Class of December 2014 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 884
Hello everyone. I didn't mean to be away for a few days. I'm really struggling with anxiety and fear. Irrational fears that are turning into sheer terror. I am afraid of being a victim of a violent crime. It sounds so stupid but I had a few incidents in my very early childhood, that really weren't atrocious but being an anxious person anyways (I have been this way since I was 6) they have really affected me. Especially since there are a lot of changes coming up in my life since graduating college.
I haven't left my room much in the last few days and I haven't been sleeping well at all. Numerous nightmares every night and waking up with full blown panic attacks. I haven't drank though even though fear has always been one of my big triggers. So today is 30 days sober for me.
I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. Another big trigger that is rearing its head is that I'm feeling very isolated and unwanted. Everyone I know treats me like I'm less important that everyone else. Nothing I say really gets listened to and I'm always overlooked. Someone even told me I'm easily forgettable. These feelings in the past ALWAYS led me to drinking. I'm trying so hard not to give in but it is getting so difficult to not listen to those thoughts.
Plus, I just found out yesterday that I will have to have another ankle surgery. This will be my 6th surgery in 2 and a half years. The stitches that are in my ankle to hold my ligaments to the bone are not calcifying like they are supposed to so they are protruding through my skin and are painful. In addition my other ankle has not healed correctly so I have to go through my physical therapy even though I've done therapy for almost a year and that ankle my require another surgery. So, I have been given more pain pills which I don't know what to do with. I truly need them as I am in pain from morning until night but sometimes they trigger me to drink.
I'm sorry for unloading a bunch of crap on everyone. I just need to get this out somewhere. No one listens to me where I live. I hope everyone is okay and sober. I have read all of your posts but it is too much to reply to. I do love how encouraging everyone is to one another. It's nice.
I haven't left my room much in the last few days and I haven't been sleeping well at all. Numerous nightmares every night and waking up with full blown panic attacks. I haven't drank though even though fear has always been one of my big triggers. So today is 30 days sober for me.
I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. Another big trigger that is rearing its head is that I'm feeling very isolated and unwanted. Everyone I know treats me like I'm less important that everyone else. Nothing I say really gets listened to and I'm always overlooked. Someone even told me I'm easily forgettable. These feelings in the past ALWAYS led me to drinking. I'm trying so hard not to give in but it is getting so difficult to not listen to those thoughts.
Plus, I just found out yesterday that I will have to have another ankle surgery. This will be my 6th surgery in 2 and a half years. The stitches that are in my ankle to hold my ligaments to the bone are not calcifying like they are supposed to so they are protruding through my skin and are painful. In addition my other ankle has not healed correctly so I have to go through my physical therapy even though I've done therapy for almost a year and that ankle my require another surgery. So, I have been given more pain pills which I don't know what to do with. I truly need them as I am in pain from morning until night but sometimes they trigger me to drink.
I'm sorry for unloading a bunch of crap on everyone. I just need to get this out somewhere. No one listens to me where I live. I hope everyone is okay and sober. I have read all of your posts but it is too much to reply to. I do love how encouraging everyone is to one another. It's nice.
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Forgive me... I tend to go from the turtle to the raptor in less then two seconds at times.
So this is a rant, but really, a rally!
I can't even begin to respond to you all, it is a lot, and sometimes I can, sometimes it is too overwhelming. My soul and brain are set to see you all as family, so everything I read, most especially when I've been neglectful, is you all, my litter mates. I have no idea why I started that, but I do know.
It's a wild wild world.
I must sit back, be honest....for several days I have been exploring YouTube, the horrors of the 2004 tsunami, of the 2011 of Japan, of 9/11, and others. Many others.
I don't know why! I feel despondent, and the knot of dread rides up in my belly.
It's a self imposed doomsday that I can't rid myself of. Yet I can and I feel happy, damned like a wild thing at times knowing I can overcome.
But oh my. Oh my. The earth under my feet isn't real, for I've still yet to let go of my addiction.
I am wild, I am turtling, I am defiant, I am grieving, I am brave, I am scared sh**less.
I am pissed off.
Have a drink of strong green tea with me.
Let us rage and cheer.
So this is a rant, but really, a rally!
I can't even begin to respond to you all, it is a lot, and sometimes I can, sometimes it is too overwhelming. My soul and brain are set to see you all as family, so everything I read, most especially when I've been neglectful, is you all, my litter mates. I have no idea why I started that, but I do know.
It's a wild wild world.
I must sit back, be honest....for several days I have been exploring YouTube, the horrors of the 2004 tsunami, of the 2011 of Japan, of 9/11, and others. Many others.
I don't know why! I feel despondent, and the knot of dread rides up in my belly.
It's a self imposed doomsday that I can't rid myself of. Yet I can and I feel happy, damned like a wild thing at times knowing I can overcome.
But oh my. Oh my. The earth under my feet isn't real, for I've still yet to let go of my addiction.
I am wild, I am turtling, I am defiant, I am grieving, I am brave, I am scared sh**less.
I am pissed off.
Have a drink of strong green tea with me.
Let us rage and cheer.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Everyone in here fighting the big fight.......sucks that it has to be such a damn battle. There was talk here yesterday of feeling suicidal while in our drinking. Almost 3 years ago, after a few hours of drinking alone at home, feeling hurt due to a Man & a "best friend" I decided to take a handful of xanex or something, someone had given me (thinking it might help me)....called my poor 70 yr old Mom who called my oldest Son......I was taken via ambulance to the hospital. That really hurt my Son a lot.....his little boy, my Grandson was just a baby.....I called him a few days later & cried, telling him that I would never in my right mind do anything that would take me away from them. That wasn't enough to make me stop though, continued on making an ass out of myself over those two. Two years ago next month....after a little stretch of sobriety I decided to "have a few" here at home on a Friday night....I ended up driving, arrested for DUII, twice the legal limit. So grateful I didn't hurt anyone. The shame & guilt of the whole things was just enormous............wanted to just throw some things in a big, walk to the interstate, stick my thumb out and disappear....if it hadn't been for the fact that would have hurt my Sons & Mom more than the other, I would have.
I did face it all....has been some tough stuff, but things are better & I know that my life with out alcohol is the ONLY way to go. Good day Peeps
I did face it all....has been some tough stuff, but things are better & I know that my life with out alcohol is the ONLY way to go. Good day Peeps
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I'm sorry your scared Copper & feeling unappreciated. I had a counselor recommend a book to me that has been helpful....."The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook" by Edward Bourne. Bought mine off Amazon. I'm not working it like I should, but a lot of helpful information & ideas for dealing with anxiety & phobias. Love & Hugs to you all -
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Much love and lots of hugs to you all!
Seems as if honesty has broken out full force in our little corner of SR. I think it's a good thing. We are learning to be vulnerable again...scary prospect...but I like the idea of practicing this among our friends here.
Xoxo
Seems as if honesty has broken out full force in our little corner of SR. I think it's a good thing. We are learning to be vulnerable again...scary prospect...but I like the idea of practicing this among our friends here.
Xoxo
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Mariah.
That's my middle name as it should be pronounced!
There was a film called 'Paint your wagon' which has the song mariah. Hey, look it up, listen to that.
I always had strength from that. Hell I just watched it.
Oh life, yes life! We wobble but let us say 'Hello there, humans, I am Alive.'
*grins*
Be strong.
That's my middle name as it should be pronounced!
There was a film called 'Paint your wagon' which has the song mariah. Hey, look it up, listen to that.
I always had strength from that. Hell I just watched it.
Oh life, yes life! We wobble but let us say 'Hello there, humans, I am Alive.'
*grins*
Be strong.
Don't Blink
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 342
taken from page 62 of the big book
Hard pill to swallow
Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Northern Illinos
Posts: 1,757
Good Afternoon Littermates.
I think we are just about all present and accounted for since the recent checking in.
JL - congrats on a week sober!
ANewDay - glad you are more relaxed today.
Della - sometimes the cleaning can wait.
BigShoe - I love the Taoist meditation. Smiling.
Tonks, you are our secret weapon. I need to go through and clean out my computer too. I do not need to wipe it but my inbox needs cleaning and I could dump some old apps. And 24 is awesome - you should do a marathon style watch. I'm totally into House of Cards now. Just watched the 2 earlier seasons in preparation for the new season starting in February.
Kitty, so sorry for your loss. I am with you on having mixed alcohol and machines too often. But for the grace of God go I.
Deserto, congrats on day 16. I quit smoking just before Christmas. Tough stuff. I do vape to ease the cravings. Just a wee bit of nicotine and I am weaning myself off that. Stay strong - we are together.
Brynn, my sister, I hope the MRI went well and the result are good. I am with you in spirit.
I think we are just about all present and accounted for since the recent checking in.
JL - congrats on a week sober!
ANewDay - glad you are more relaxed today.
Della - sometimes the cleaning can wait.
BigShoe - I love the Taoist meditation. Smiling.
Tonks, you are our secret weapon. I need to go through and clean out my computer too. I do not need to wipe it but my inbox needs cleaning and I could dump some old apps. And 24 is awesome - you should do a marathon style watch. I'm totally into House of Cards now. Just watched the 2 earlier seasons in preparation for the new season starting in February.
Kitty, so sorry for your loss. I am with you on having mixed alcohol and machines too often. But for the grace of God go I.
Deserto, congrats on day 16. I quit smoking just before Christmas. Tough stuff. I do vape to ease the cravings. Just a wee bit of nicotine and I am weaning myself off that. Stay strong - we are together.
Brynn, my sister, I hope the MRI went well and the result are good. I am with you in spirit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Northern Illinos
Posts: 1,757
Still bitter cold here. I am used to being outside and now I feel like I am sun and air deprived. Winter in norther Illinois.
Again, tonight, my husband and I have to go to yet another event held at a bar. This time it is a birthday celebration for a close friend. My husband is starting to get it and said we just have to make an appearance. Actually I am getting good at being around people in that environment. A few folks in our group either do not drink or just literally have one. Interesting to be sober and able to observe what people are really doing.
Even nicer to feel empowered.
Again, tonight, my husband and I have to go to yet another event held at a bar. This time it is a birthday celebration for a close friend. My husband is starting to get it and said we just have to make an appearance. Actually I am getting good at being around people in that environment. A few folks in our group either do not drink or just literally have one. Interesting to be sober and able to observe what people are really doing.
Even nicer to feel empowered.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Northern Illinos
Posts: 1,757
Copper, I just saw you post from earlier today. I have been thinking about you. Sorry you are going through so much. And then your ankle issue. Oh my.
You are not "unloading" on us. We care and are here for each other. Please continue to talk with us as much as you can or want.
Congrats on 30 days. That is awesome. Double awesome considering all the triggers in your life now.
Hugs to you my friend.
You are not "unloading" on us. We care and are here for each other. Please continue to talk with us as much as you can or want.
Congrats on 30 days. That is awesome. Double awesome considering all the triggers in your life now.
Hugs to you my friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Northern Illinos
Posts: 1,757
Mariah, I just saw your post too (silly I nternet).
Wow. Such a lot to handle. Sometimes we get s tap on the shoulder and sometimes we get s kick kn the a** but I am so glad you continue to stay sober. You have come a long way and we are grateful to be with you on this journey.
Hugs to you too.
Wow. Such a lot to handle. Sometimes we get s tap on the shoulder and sometimes we get s kick kn the a** but I am so glad you continue to stay sober. You have come a long way and we are grateful to be with you on this journey.
Hugs to you too.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Quiet here today - Was a nice day for me here.....went to used book store and bought a couple of books...Under The Influence, Power Through Constructive Thinking & Healing the Child Within. Went for a nice walk with My Granddaughter Dog, then a powerwalk/sprints to the gym & good work out there & walk/sprints back home. Feeling much more at ease today than yesterday & glad for that. I also got to see little Grandsons for a bit today.....my shining stars they are. Invited them for dinner tomorrow evening, so really looking forward to more time with them & also a visit with my oldest Son. I'm blessed today & hope all is OK with everyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Northern Illinos
Posts: 1,757
Glad you posted Mariah. I was beginning to think out litter had been abducted by aliens.
Your day sounds wonderful. You are truly blessed.
I decided to stay home this evening and I am so glad. Happy to be relaxing.
Your day sounds wonderful. You are truly blessed.
I decided to stay home this evening and I am so glad. Happy to be relaxing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 129
Good day all.
Just checking in. Part 5... Wow. Made it a daily ritual to at least read and stay current. I like you guys. And I enjoy the read. lots of difficult things but I think I see the strength and courage in everyone's words to make it through. I hope so at least.
Today sucked gigantic donkey balls:
was supposed to start a 17 hour drive. Leasurely over 2.5 days. Would give me time to do touristy things or worst case scenario, not have to rush in a snow storm. Prepared to leave. Sixth sense told me to replace the furnace filter. Head to basement. basement is flooded. Plumbing issue. 100 year old house. when I say basement, dank cave would better fit the bill so nothing damaged. Shop vac'd the water. Snaked the pipes. wasn't draining. Acid... I will try to disolve whatever is blocking it. water drains now but not perfect. all said and done. Didn't depart. Called it when it got dark and started snowing. Intend to depart tomorrow instead, and drive till it burns my bones. As far as the plumbing is concerned. Have to wait till March to do things properly. And hope nothing serious goes wrong in the interim.
The old me, circa three weeks ago (lost count how many days sober) would have been sitting at the bar on my who know's how manyith pint, stressed out as f _ _ _! about this. Haha, I have no desire to do that.
Still stressed but I think I passed a big test today
Stay cool my friends
P.S. I live alone and I'm too proud and stubborn to ever ask for help
Just checking in. Part 5... Wow. Made it a daily ritual to at least read and stay current. I like you guys. And I enjoy the read. lots of difficult things but I think I see the strength and courage in everyone's words to make it through. I hope so at least.
Today sucked gigantic donkey balls:
was supposed to start a 17 hour drive. Leasurely over 2.5 days. Would give me time to do touristy things or worst case scenario, not have to rush in a snow storm. Prepared to leave. Sixth sense told me to replace the furnace filter. Head to basement. basement is flooded. Plumbing issue. 100 year old house. when I say basement, dank cave would better fit the bill so nothing damaged. Shop vac'd the water. Snaked the pipes. wasn't draining. Acid... I will try to disolve whatever is blocking it. water drains now but not perfect. all said and done. Didn't depart. Called it when it got dark and started snowing. Intend to depart tomorrow instead, and drive till it burns my bones. As far as the plumbing is concerned. Have to wait till March to do things properly. And hope nothing serious goes wrong in the interim.
The old me, circa three weeks ago (lost count how many days sober) would have been sitting at the bar on my who know's how manyith pint, stressed out as f _ _ _! about this. Haha, I have no desire to do that.
Still stressed but I think I passed a big test today
Stay cool my friends
P.S. I live alone and I'm too proud and stubborn to ever ask for help
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
copper- congrats on 30 days!! That is amazing. I am sorry to hear about your ankle and that you have to have another surgury. I hope your dealing with the pain ok tonight. I am sorry your going through some hard times with aniexty and fears. I think everything will be a lot better once you get moved and settle into your new job.
Brynn- I hope your MRI went well.
Mariah- I am glad your here with us and sharing your story. It sounds like you had a great day today with family. The books sound good too.
Brynn- I hope your MRI went well.
Mariah- I am glad your here with us and sharing your story. It sounds like you had a great day today with family. The books sound good too.
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