safeandsound

Sounds like a lot of us are struggling. I can relate to looking back on the past and not liking what I am seeing. Avice, the feeling like a complete f***up is very familiar to me. That's one of the reasons I drank--I was very aware of what I had done wrong, and I couldn't handle the guilt and shame. And feeling like an outsider? I still do, all the time.

I almost hesitate to say this, but I've been feeling good lately. I keep feeling such relief that I am present for things. I used to be either drunk, hungover, or wasted. I also hurt a lot of people, and like Dee said I know that will take a long time to repair.

But I can't help feeling happy lately just to have clarity. I've noticed I'm much more creative, too--something I haven't felt in years.

Also, I've been up and down a lot in sobriety, so when I get good days like the last few, I savor them.

We have almost all the documents for the first immigration application now. What a hassle. We'll have to do another one once the provincial app is approved that is even more detailed. But for now, I'm relieved we could put all that stuff together (required a lot of phone calls, emails, money). I guess I'm able to act like an adult occasionally--even if it feels like only an act!

Hang in there, everyone! It does feel like every day is a different challenge, doesn't it? Glad to hear others feel awkward adjusting to the new patterns because I do, too. Sometimes (like today) that's a good thing, and sometimes it's overwhelming.

GentleSoul

Hey NMD It's exciting that you are seeing a glimmer of your old self. Are you finding yourself interested in other things that you used to be? I can definitely Understand those avoidance behaviours at work! I often just avoid the lunch room as I don't have much to say to people and feel more inclined to be by myself. My job requires me to interact with others constantly and speak a lot. . I have been spending more time alone or going for walks or exercising during my short breaks at work.

Hang in there everyone. I'm glad to read so many posts today. ) it's great to hear from you all. Best of luck Avice with your trial.

Avice

nmd - Glad you're starting to feel a bit more alert & productive, etc. Give it another couple months and you'll be an unstoppable force of nature.

Dee - 7 years...lucky number! I can't really imagine you as the town drunk, but it just goes to show how alcohol screws with our personalities. I've managed to alienate a few people too - luckily I did the majority of my drinking by myself or out with strangers. I was reading through a few of my drunken emails tonight. Pretty weird stuff.
I think the court thing is going to be pretty routine. I'm just stressed because I've never had to go to court before, and I'm afraid that I won't get off entirely - I haven't filed my taxes yet because I owe the govt. money. It's a big mess.
Also, I've realized that I tried to cut down on the benzodiazapines too fast. I cut my daytime dose from 2mg to 0.5, and sometimes I would leave a pill (or two) out at night. Not a good idea. As I'm sitting here, my spine feels like it's been hit with a crowbar, I'm nauseous, and my typing seems INCREDIBLY LOUD. Obviously I have to do this after I see the psychiatrist. It's a bummer though - this stuff makes me tired.

safeandsound - Glad you're feeling more creative. Man, I wish I was there myself, but I have a feeling it's going to take a bit longer for me. I miss playing music, but I just can't seem to focus right now. Glad the immigration thing is going well too - my friend had to go through that process and he had a veritable mountain of paperwork. They should have built our parlaiment buildings out of paper mache...then we'd be able to add a new wing every month or so.

GentleSoul - I just installed an app on my phone to keep track of sober days too. It's nice not having to manually calculate. Thanks for the wishes for good luck...tho I hope I won't be needing it.

Alynn

Hey all! I'm in Indianapolis tonight.. Brrr so cold! Going home to a hopefully warmer Atlanta tomorrow. Still avoiding the temptation to drink. I was just thinking about how nice it is going to sleep peacefully! Everything is packed and ready to go In the morning, no stupid texts or Facebook posts... Hope you're doing well also.

nmd

Yeah, I can't exactly make up for lost time, and I would make myself mad trying, but I've picked up a few things I used to tinker with. Right now it's learning a new programming language and tinkering with things just for the fun of it. One of my sons is very into computers and games, so I'm working on some things that he could understand and tinker with as well. He spends a lot of time writing down game ideas on paper, it would be cool if he could get a very basic idea of how it could work with an interactive program. I have dozens of other unfinished projects, but one thing at a time...

Speaking to the "wreckage" that is left when we stop drinking, I feel a lot of mine is with relationships I have with my immediate family, most importantly my children. Being a parent is difficult. Being a parent when you feel your life is spinning out of control and going down the tubes can feel unbearable. I've done the best I can for my kids, but at the same time, I've been a pretty angry/mean drunk at times, and not a whole lot better when sober but I was still drinking. They've been subject to my yelling and temper, seen me argue with my girlfriend and are old enough to remember me and my ex-wife yelling at each other. I have a much more even keel at the moment and it makes me sad to think of what I've put them through. A financial debt can be repaid or erased, trying to fix hurt you caused another person is much more difficult. I still need to be a parent and discipline my kids at times, just in a more constructive way. It's a heck of a lot easier when I'm not fighting the uphill battle with alcohol.

nmd

Avice- I'm glad you figured out it was the benzos that was causing a lot of your exhaustion, hopefully you can work with your psychiatrist to wean off them. You never know, your bankruptcy trial could bring some relief too. I personally find it's easier for me once I know the outcome of something, rather than having it hang over my head as a big unknown. It may take a while to work out, but certainly not forever. I have credit card debt that will probably take me another year to pay off. I can't attribute it all directly to booze, but I'm easily saving many thousands of dollars a year by not drinking and I wouldn't have the debt if it weren't for booze. I think you will find the small victories add up over time. :-)

FaithfulAndFree

Uh Oh, my AV has finally decided to show up. While sitting in the house today I was overwhelmed by anxiety for no apparent reason. It was one of those "search for something to worry about" kind of moments. While thinking idly I remembered a time when I went on a bender... I cringed at the thought of it but somehow my thinking transitioned into "well, it would be nice to escape for a few days...". The thought wasn't pressure filled, but I did think about it. 51 days in and this thought terrifies me. I channeled my energy into doing some things around the house and a little grocery shopping. But WOW! No ones immune to the urges. I have to keep my guards up at all time.

safeandsound

I just counted, and I had 60 days yesterday!!! Woo-hoo!!

EJM it's not funny that your AV showed up, but I had to laugh when you talked about "finding something to worry about." I'm so used to being in high anxiety mode all the time (from trying to survive days hungover) that now I sometimes feel worried and don't know what it's about!

Glad everyone is hanging in there.

I still feel strangely good. Better than I have in sobriety so far. Starting to feel calmer. Well, it's also the first time in at least 10 years that I have had two months!

Husband and I are celebrating my birthday this weekend by taking a little trip--at my request. I love staying in hotels! The last time we did this we spent a ton of money on booze and I felt embarrassed that the cleaning staff would see all the bottles in our room. We also called his mom (not sure why) and rambled at her. I'm sure I was slurring and going on and on about her new cat, giving advice, etc. Yes, I know it all when I am wasted. It's all pretty fuzzy. I'll see the family at Christmas and they'll be pretty shocked since I'm always the drunkest. Haven't told them yet. This time I kind of want to keep it to myself.

GentleSoul

Congrats on 61 days Safeandsound! Enjoy your sober weekend getaway. NMB glad to hear you are tinkering. I'm certain your kid will be thrilled if you can muster up a program for them based on "kid ideas". How fun! Looking back at what I wrote it seems funny because I said "kid" I guess I wasn't sure if there were more than one. Kids?

EJM great to hear from you. Hoping you can stay calm and just let that AV chatter away at the wind. Mine was acting up today as well. I kept thinking about going home after work and drinking. AV Saying "remember when you used to think Wednesday was a great night to be wasted?" I carried on as per usual and ignored these suggestions.

safeandsound

Love it.

nmd

Congrats on 60 days and happy birthday safeandsound! Today is my day 60 and my 40th birthday is this coming Monday, so we must be be twins. Have a great trip!

Gentlesoul, I have 3 boys of my own and 1 older boy that is my girlfriends son.

Great job ejm and gentlesoul on letting the urges go their own way!

I was planning on going camping this weekend, but I'm reconsidering with the current blast of cold weather (and snow). Kind of stuck thinking of anything without having a dog sitter. I need to get past the ideas revolving around drinking. :-( Probably will just do dinner Saturday night.

safeandsound

CONGRATULATIONS nmd!!! So cool that we have almost the same two birthdays!

Camping in the cold--eek. Hope you enjoy a nice dinner instead! It snowed for the first time here on Monday. The harsh Canadian winter is on its way.

Dee74

Congrats safeandsound and GentleSoul

Happy birthday Safe

hiya nmd, alynn avice and ejm

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FaithfulAndFree

Ending a great day... Sending peace and blessings to all my classmates! Sober or still struggling we are all worth our very best. Goodnight!

Alynn

Hey all! Still hanging in there. Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend. How is everyone feeling? Is your AV still yelling at you? I still catch myself thinking that maybe I could sometimes drink but I know that's not a path I want to go down anymore. I start debating it all out in my head and it's overwhelming until I only focus on today. That really seams to help... Just wondering how you are dealing? take care friends

nmd

Yeah, I find myself thinking about moderation more often than I like, but I mostly just acknowledge it and let it pass. When that comes up, thinking about the low points of drinking, the memory loss, arguments, hangovers, etc. also stops those urges in their tracks. I realize pretty quickly that the romantic idea of drinking that pops into my head initially is just that, a thought, and not reality. Are you still involved in the church group (not sure if it is AA or not) weekly?

Dee74

I think thoughts are thoughts - it's our response that matters

Time for a new thread guys:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html
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