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Old 09-17-2014, 10:16 PM   #201 (permalink)
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End of day 5. It has been a long, long day.

I have my mom living with me, whom I have supported with a place to live for many years now. She is very fond of stuff. There are contractors here working on the condo and they had to do some work in her bedroom, so everything got moved out into the main living area, creating a mere half-person-sized walk way through the maze of things. (I remember rooms like this from my childhood.) Well, the contractors are doing a very iffy job and I can't be here to supervise because I have to work all the time. I am frustrated because my mom expects me to do so much that she refuses to do and one of her favorite pastimes is complaining and "reminding." > She jokes to people that I'm the mother and she's the daughter because of the roles we play. All I wanted was for her to explain to the contractors what they need to do differently because I can't be here to do it. Ugh. I can't miss anymore work because I have already lost so many days being "ill" due to horrible hangovers or running other errands that had to be done during work hours. I really wish I had more help sometimes, and I feel so alone. This is too much for me right now in my delicate state.
I really wanted to drink today in the midst of all of this. This is a major trigger for me - using to "cope." or adjust my mood so I can "deal" with things. Such chaos and stress makes my head want to explode and I become highly irritable. I know that the beers will ease that tension and anger. Temporarily Sigh.. but that's a bottomless pit... full of despair and physical and emotional pain. No matter how much I drink, I will always, always, always want more. It is such a short term mask, creating a downward spiral in the rest of my life. Even the effects I seek are probably only valid for a small percentage of the time when you consider the rest of the time is either spent in a futile struggle to try to maintain some kind of "control" as to not make a fool out of myself in a drunken haze, time forgotten or fuzzy from blackouts (looking back, so much life wasted there), or time spent feeling dreadful and recovering from the prior night's "medication" session. Why does that sound so good sometimes??? That makes no sense whatsoever! How my addiction lies to me...
So, instead I went to the gym to get out of the house. Brought my earphones and watched some Futurama as I exercised. Then, I went out and bought myself a new pair of yoga pants and some body spray. Looking in the mirror at the store, I was very unhappy with who I saw peering back at me, and I felt reassured that I had made the right decision and was on the right path.
I have to say though, I feel dangerously close to the edge.
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Old 09-17-2014, 11:54 PM   #202 (permalink)
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Notsolvary,
I understand things can be tough but everything you said is true you will regret it and it will just be the same thing over and over again try something different try to deal with your stress by counting your blessings and having gratitude! I hope you choose not to drink and see the good In your life rooting for you,
YC
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Old 09-18-2014, 03:40 AM   #203 (permalink)
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NS- I'm the same way with tension...held in all in and knew that beer would numb it "briefly". But soon just make it worse... Sounds like you handled it well with the workout though! Your stronger then you realize!

Early morning here.. Day 18.. Feeling great.. Remember the times I came into work with hangover.. How miserable! I will never subject myself the that misery again!

Have a wonderful say class! Stay strong

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Old 09-18-2014, 05:39 AM   #204 (permalink)
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Yep, alcohol has always been my stress management tool of choice. Like a child hiding under a cover, I would duck under the cover of alcohol whenever things got scary. Unfortunately, at best it never solved anything and usually it made them worse. Facing life head on is still scary, but somehow much more calm.

I apologize as I have been on a business trip and unable to touch base here very much. I did get a number from a REAL LIVE person and I have been using it - actually using it and it has made a huge difference. It is strangely empowering just to know that I am connecting, especially when I am unable to connect to the internet. I can really see where F2F support would be beneficial.

I hope everyone is doing well and staying sober!
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Old 09-18-2014, 06:16 AM   #205 (permalink)
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Jazzfish- joining a support has really helped me. It was scary at first but really helpful so grateful for it as well as SR!!!

I can do all things through he who strengthens me
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Old 09-18-2014, 07:37 AM   #206 (permalink)
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Day 6

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotSoIvory View Post
No matter how much I drink, I will always, always, always want more. It is such a short term mask, creating a downward spiral in the rest of my life. Even the effects I seek are probably only valid for a small percentage of the time when you consider the rest of the time is either spent in a futile struggle to try to maintain some kind of "control" as to not make a fool out of myself in a drunken haze, time forgotten or fuzzy from blackouts (looking back, so much life wasted there), or time spent feeling dreadful and recovering from the prior night's "medication" session.
So can relate NSI! I am waking up a little and realizing just how much time I wasted on a daily basis, both drinking and recovering. And trying to control it at social functions--the worst, and it usually didn't work or if it did, I'd leave as soon as possible to get properly wasted alone. Good for you for treating yourself!! Sometimes buying a little something really helps me. The other day I bought a new lipgloss and eyeshadow on the spur of the moment because I was feeling low. Now I have them to enjoy instead of a hangover. Exercise always helps. I'm sure the endorphins have something to do with it. Congrats on staying sober!! Please update.

So today I feel hungover on Day 6. How is that possible? Headache, feel like I got run over by a truck, guilt even though I didn't drink. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had this horrible dream where I was at a bar with a friend and left her sitting alone way too long to engage in my own selfish drama. She was extremely pissed when I came back. That look in people's eyes when they go cold on you because of something you did. I said sorry, but she didn't care. I felt like I had f***ed up YET AGAIN, so I might as well get good and wasted. Self-hatred, guilt, worthlessness.

This was just a dream, I know, but I have done things like that (and much, much worse) so many times and disappointed so many people. I still remember this moment when we were at a party and my husband was looking at me laughing and warm and then he spotted the vodka pint in my open purse and his eyes went completely cold. Aack.

At least it's not a real hangover. I am very grateful for that. Maybe it's just a reminder not to go back?

Also, is anyone else crying at everything? Lately I can't even watch a TV show without getting inappropriately weepy.

Have a great sober day everyone! I'm sure mine will get better, and I already feel better after writing this.
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Old 09-18-2014, 08:10 AM   #207 (permalink)
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Your not alone in the weepy part safeandsound. I have been a emotional wreck. Trying to make sense of some of these long lost feelings.
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Old 09-18-2014, 08:29 AM   #208 (permalink)
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I wad emotional wreck also but that faded the last couple of days and doing much better on 18 ....

Safeandsound- I remember hiding beer in my bag and waking up the next morning to my husband going through it to see what I had... Ugh the worst feeling!
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:01 AM   #209 (permalink)
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Good morning friends/classmates.

Today makes 22 straight sober days. I can see the first month completion on the horizon but am NOT getting ahead of myself.

One day at time. It's what has been working so far.

Have a safe and sober day everyone. All is NOT lost.
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:10 AM   #210 (permalink)
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Well starting over again I guess. I was class of January 2014. I was over 6 months without a drink and decided I could just have 1 beer each night while I was on vacation. And I did only have 1. I had a couple glasses of wine a couple weeks later. A couple beers out with friends a few weeks ago. And I really didn't drink any other time. My husband let me know last night that he is concerned I am going back down the same road. I felt horrible seeing how hurt he is. I know I need to just not drink at all. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth the risk of going back down that road and worth seeing the hurt in my husbands eyes. So. Starting new on e again today. Considering today, September 18th, day one. One day at a time.
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Old 09-18-2014, 09:17 AM   #211 (permalink)
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NotSoIvory, you made a great decision on going to the gym. Good for you for staying sober. I know stress is a trigger for me also, but numbing that for a few hours doesn't really help anything. I would wake up in the morning with the same stress and more and then have to try and deal with it with a hangover to boot. How complicated life is when we drink. We get the opposite of what we really want. Exercise is great for the body and the mind. Keep going and congrats on making it through Day 5.

safeandsound, I can relate to the weepy thing. I am on Day Four here myself and find myself tearing up at things on television that aren't even sad! Must be the withdraw and I am sure it will pass. Normally, I am not such a weepy woman, so that must be it.

O.k., class, Day Four for me here. Yesterday was a hard one, was feeling like having a pity party for myself, but came here and posted instead. Everyone helped me and I STAYED SOBER! I am so grateful for this site and support. I cannot do this without everyone's help.

Hopefully, today will go better than yesterday and pity parties be d*mned. It is a lovely fall day here. The only thing I noticed this morning is that I am tired. I didn't sleep so well last night, just couldn't seem to shut my brain off. I was thinking about this site and the different posts, whether or not I helped anyone on here today, about drinking in general, fall decorations, how much painting I still have to do, my mind was going everywhere except to sleep. I hope to catch a nap today as I don't want being tired to be a reason to drink and I am feeling fairly tired already and it is only 10 a.m.

O.k., that's it for now I think. Just today is the only day I focus on in staying sober. Hope everyone has a great sober day as well. One day at a time!

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Old 09-18-2014, 09:21 AM   #212 (permalink)
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startingnew2, you can do this. You were sober in January, so you know that you can. For me, moderation is just flat out something I cannot do. There is no such thing. I think your husband is right in being concerned and you should be too. If you are an alcoholic like the rest of us, moderation just doesn't work. It's abstinence or flat out drunk.

You can make it through today!

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Old 09-18-2014, 09:23 AM   #213 (permalink)
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Welcome back StartingNew2! Happy to have you here...

I realized I miscounted yesterday, today is actually day 4 for me. Back to work and back to stess, gahhhh...I have to keep reminding myself just a few more months of this and then I'm on to something new...

I'm totally on the weepy and exhausted train too! I cried twice last night, at a Youtube clip about Fergueson, MI and a Netflix movie. I hardly ever cry. I've also been sleeping 10 hrs a night and waking up feeling like I've been hit by a steamroller. Just letting myself go through this, listening to my body.

Off to a spin class, then work. Have a good day everyone
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Old 09-18-2014, 10:50 AM   #214 (permalink)
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Hi class,

Busy day....just checking in on day (24).

Welcome to the newcomers!
Welcome to those re-joining!

Stay Strong Septemberites.........
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts and daily activities.....

Stay Strong, NT
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Old 09-18-2014, 12:28 PM   #215 (permalink)
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Yeah, the bar story is pretty funny all right. A few drinks and suddenly I'm an expert in restaurant management.

I'm actually saving something for myself just in case I ever get really tempted to drink again...one night I got hammered and decided to lip synch to a Billy Joel song using two bricks as props. Yes, bricks. I thought, "Yeah man, this is cool - I'm gonna upload it to Youtube tomorrow." I never did, and I haven't had the courage (or patience) to watch it. I have...probably 10 takes of that thing. I don't know what was wrong with the first take...I mean, was I not making full use of the bricks? Did I suddenly come up with innovative and exciting ways to wave bricks around? I won't know until I watch it.

Anyhoo, there's been a lot of talk lately about wanting to 'fix things' right away. I'm generally doing pretty well at taking things slow and realizing that I can't push myself too hard...but I have that very same voice in my head. Yesterday, I decided to do a cardio workout from Youtube. Read a comment: "I couldn't even make it past the first 6 minutes!" I was like: "I bet I can!" I did. I also almost puked at the end and I can barely walk today. Yay me! I've since found a beginner's workout...

Hi startingnew2!

thisibelieve. You're right...the morning after is never good. At best, my stomach hated me. At worst, I'd wake up with huge bruises and know I fell, but had no recollection of where or when. Awful stuff. It's makes you feel like something outside of yourself is waiting to attack you. The anxiety will pass once you realize that you can trust yourself.

deanyya. You're right. The last thing I need in my life is a romantic relationship in my life at this moment. I would really like to know what it feels like to be in love, but I need to learn how to trust myself first. I mean, how can you trust someone if you can't trust yourself? Sobriety comes first. Then I need to work on developing friendships that aren't based around drinking. Oh yeah, and get a job. Get stable. Then I'll be in a much better position to open up to someone.

As for you...I know exactly what you feel like, because I completed my last stint of sobriety in the middle of a very chaotic situation. Actually, this is for you too, NotSoIvory. Go for a walk if you can. Seriously, getting out for even 45 minutes was so helpful. Do it every single night (if you can). I know it's difficult to find time, but once you get into the habit you'll become addicted to it.
Just so you know, it was NOT the chaotic situation that tripped me up...I made it though that. It was something else, which is a looooonnng story that I don't feel like getting into right now.

NotSoIvory. I'm gonna send you a PM, because I have had a very similar experience and I want to share a couple of things that I learned.

Findingtheway. One of my hobbies is making up new lyrics to the Spiderman theme song...
Spiderman, Spiderman.
Trampoline and a ceiling fan.
(etc.)

gnarlyboots. Glad you're having a good time! I think I know what the problem is re: your keyboard. You must have your claws retracted. Clearly, the Apple keyboards were meant to be used by creatures with claws...cats big and small, lizard people, certain species of aliens...just look at Wikipedia:
There have been ten significant releases of OS X. Prior to 10.9 came 10.8 ("Mountain Lion"), 10.7 ("Lion"), 10.6 ("Snow Leopard"), 10.5 ("Leopard"), 10.4 ("Tiger"), 10.3 ("Panther"), 10.2 ("Jaguar"), 10.1 ("Puma"), and 10.0 ("Cheetah").
See? Just think about climbing a tree or something and use those claws to type. Too bad Steve never made a keyboard suitable for human use...

safeandsound. Yes, I did have the phantom hangover experience. Day 5 I think. It was really weird. I also had a really bad day where I absolutely could not stop crying for hours. However, I actually cried a lot more when I was drinking.

Cecilia44. Have courage. I'm past 2 weeks now and I'm sleeping like a rock...seriously. The other great thing is that I used to need 9-10 hours of sleep and now I only need 7.

Neverthought. Your avatar - is that your dog?
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Old 09-18-2014, 01:28 PM   #216 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avice View Post
Findingtheway. One of my hobbies is making up new lyrics to the Spiderman theme song...
Spiderman, Spiderman.
Trampoline and a ceiling fan.
(etc.)
Oh my...TOO Funny...You had me almost burst out laughing in my office just now. Thank you for that!

If i think up any other funny lyrics...I will be sure to share them!
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Old 09-18-2014, 03:40 PM   #217 (permalink)
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Cecilia- I can't shut my mind off some nights either. Listening to something helps me.. There is meditation apps that guide you through mind excercises, or just pays soothing sounds.. I also like to listen to scripture using you version app...

Thisibelieve- good job on the workout! I used to love spin.. Really need to get back into it

Starting new - welcome! One day at a time, just like you said!
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Old 09-18-2014, 03:48 PM   #218 (permalink)
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Hi guys. I'm going to join this thread. I was in the December 2013 group but picked up a drink last week and struggling to put it back down :-(
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Old 09-18-2014, 04:20 PM   #219 (permalink)
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Welcome startingnew2 and TL

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Old 09-18-2014, 05:22 PM   #220 (permalink)
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Today was great, no AV, felt good and was thinking "wow, this isn't bad at all". Then when I got home, I got an offer from someone to pick and use their wine grapes so they don't go to waste.... AV had been out if control for the past hour or so thinking about wine. Better now, but ugh. Day 4 I think
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