Class of April 2014 Part 15
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
Posts: 2,317
I have a networking project in my house too, trying to use a wireless hub to get wifi in a part of my house with no physical internet connection, but I may save that for my day off tomorrow, it's not half as fun as learning to make some stuff by hand 
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
ST - that sounds like a really great project (with the stones and making pendants and things)
Astrology is a neat concept too. Actually I like all lot those kinds of things...
Mariah - sorry to hear you couldn't sleep! Hope you get a better sleep tonight. But that is really nice, with your son and everything.
Thank you everyone for trying to help me yesterday.
Me? Yes, I did drink some. Okay. I feel fine today. It may sound weird, because I did end up drinking... but, the alcohol doesn't have as an emotional hold on me as it used to. I am still amazed at how long it sat there, right in front of me, and I was like "meh, I have my coffee and my writing and I feel good and I don't need this in my life..." BUT. I think at the back of my mind it kept coming up, like what WOULD it be like? How is it getting drunk again? How fun? Will it be amazing or not that great or....? I felt like I couldn't throw it out because of the "what if's" like I would regret not drinking it or something.
Although, if that friend was in town I probably would have never drank it. Or if someone else was near I probably would have given it to them. But ANYWAY. It's not that great. Drinking. Not for me. Not anymore. (And it's not because of a terrible hangover or anything because actually, it's not that bad) I just feel... like it's not something I want in my life. And the hold isn't so strong.
THAT'S why I'm really really glad, grateful, for this experience. Something truly has changed. I've never felt this way before. I've tried to feel this way, tried to pretend I felt this way, but... never truly felt this way. That life can be good sober. That I don't *need* it.
Coming back to this was like seeing an ex you hadn't seen in a long time... someone who would occasionally pop into your head, and over time you'd be like "I wonder if..." and then you meet up with them. And actually, yeah, you don't have that emotional connection to them anymore. You sit through a couple of hours just looking at them and chatting (like me looking at the alcohol) and you're like "meh". Like "I don't need you"
But then you're like "But I wonder..." and then you sleep with them BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID lolol. And then you realise that nope.... they haven't changed, but you have changed. And it feels different. And you don't need them. And they're still a jerk. And omg life really was great without them. It's a freeing feeling. You finally know that you can live without them.
SO.
That's where I'm at!! (I didn't even drink all the cider btw. Hmmm....and this morning I threw it out) Oh...but I DID end up ordering pizza and binging on things. So not good. But surprisingly, today I am not in eating disorder mode... well, the thoughts are there, but so are the thoughts about taking it slow and nourishing my body with healthy foods (and enough of them) and wondering if I can do that. I can't speak for anytime after now, but right now....I want to nourish my body (I was going to severely restrict today to make up for it). It still might be a struggle in the future to not restrict - I know that. But still... something has changed.....I want to care for myself more. I want to do what is good for me.
Astrology is a neat concept too. Actually I like all lot those kinds of things...
Mariah - sorry to hear you couldn't sleep! Hope you get a better sleep tonight. But that is really nice, with your son and everything.
Thank you everyone for trying to help me yesterday.
Me? Yes, I did drink some. Okay. I feel fine today. It may sound weird, because I did end up drinking... but, the alcohol doesn't have as an emotional hold on me as it used to. I am still amazed at how long it sat there, right in front of me, and I was like "meh, I have my coffee and my writing and I feel good and I don't need this in my life..." BUT. I think at the back of my mind it kept coming up, like what WOULD it be like? How is it getting drunk again? How fun? Will it be amazing or not that great or....? I felt like I couldn't throw it out because of the "what if's" like I would regret not drinking it or something.
Although, if that friend was in town I probably would have never drank it. Or if someone else was near I probably would have given it to them. But ANYWAY. It's not that great. Drinking. Not for me. Not anymore. (And it's not because of a terrible hangover or anything because actually, it's not that bad) I just feel... like it's not something I want in my life. And the hold isn't so strong.
THAT'S why I'm really really glad, grateful, for this experience. Something truly has changed. I've never felt this way before. I've tried to feel this way, tried to pretend I felt this way, but... never truly felt this way. That life can be good sober. That I don't *need* it.
Coming back to this was like seeing an ex you hadn't seen in a long time... someone who would occasionally pop into your head, and over time you'd be like "I wonder if..." and then you meet up with them. And actually, yeah, you don't have that emotional connection to them anymore. You sit through a couple of hours just looking at them and chatting (like me looking at the alcohol) and you're like "meh". Like "I don't need you"
But then you're like "But I wonder..." and then you sleep with them BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID lolol. And then you realise that nope.... they haven't changed, but you have changed. And it feels different. And you don't need them. And they're still a jerk. And omg life really was great without them. It's a freeing feeling. You finally know that you can live without them.
SO.
That's where I'm at!! (I didn't even drink all the cider btw. Hmmm....and this morning I threw it out) Oh...but I DID end up ordering pizza and binging on things. So not good. But surprisingly, today I am not in eating disorder mode... well, the thoughts are there, but so are the thoughts about taking it slow and nourishing my body with healthy foods (and enough of them) and wondering if I can do that. I can't speak for anytime after now, but right now....I want to nourish my body (I was going to severely restrict today to make up for it). It still might be a struggle in the future to not restrict - I know that. But still... something has changed.....I want to care for myself more. I want to do what is good for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
Posts: 2,317
Thanks lucrez...yea it's awesome stuff, I carry my stones in my pocket and I'm afraid of loosing them, so I'm gonna learn to wear them
The cosmos are amazing to me, it's so interesting to me, I love the theory of time travel and multi demensions and whatnot, and the theory on how time is woven and different planes of existence and be accessed. It's crazy stuff I know lol but I honestly believe in energies and matter more then I do the religion that was taught to me as a child. I believe what we put out comes back to us and negative energies attract negative things like a magnet. Then I could go deeper into like particles and plasma and whatnot but that's for another day haha. But yea, astrology is awesome in my eyes, and everything I've read about myself on the topic seems accurate. I have friends that practice magik but I don't partake in any of those types of activities.
The cosmos are amazing to me, it's so interesting to me, I love the theory of time travel and multi demensions and whatnot, and the theory on how time is woven and different planes of existence and be accessed. It's crazy stuff I know lol but I honestly believe in energies and matter more then I do the religion that was taught to me as a child. I believe what we put out comes back to us and negative energies attract negative things like a magnet. Then I could go deeper into like particles and plasma and whatnot but that's for another day haha. But yea, astrology is awesome in my eyes, and everything I've read about myself on the topic seems accurate. I have friends that practice magik but I don't partake in any of those types of activities.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
Posts: 2,317
Also, nano machines I think are absolutely wild, in the sense that they are real. Only a decade ago the idea that nano technology can be used in human beings was a laughable idea, and left only for sify stories and Japanese anime. But now we are actually using it, it's astonishing.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Really glad you posted Luce & sounds like a powerful shift in your thinking! I like the analogy you used....describes it perfectly. Enjoy your day!
I got the leaf blower out & blew off the front porch....went to my Aunts house down the road....she is a "collector" of sorts & I loaded up a great arm chair, little table & footstool & am now sitting comfortably on my clean porch. Going to sit here now for a couple of hours & read my book...birds are tweeting, only a slight hayes of smoke, this is nice
I got the leaf blower out & blew off the front porch....went to my Aunts house down the road....she is a "collector" of sorts & I loaded up a great arm chair, little table & footstool & am now sitting comfortably on my clean porch. Going to sit here now for a couple of hours & read my book...birds are tweeting, only a slight hayes of smoke, this is nice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
Posts: 2,317
Glad your day is going well Mariah !
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My first pendant <3
I'm really impressed with myself I like it!
It's desert rose and supposed to help with emotional outbursts
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image-2032988791.jpg
My first pendant
<3 I'm really impressed with myself I like it!
It's desert rose and supposed to help with emotional outbursts
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 361
Glad to hear some good came out of the experience Luc. And nice job ST. I hope it works with emotion regulation Mariah, your day sounds so nice. What are you reading?
So I've been complaining about feeling low and tired and bad for a week and a half now. I thought I was just super hungover and felt like I was starting from square one. Basically I was beating myself up for making myself feel tired and bad and felt like I had to work 300% to make up for it. Well, I finally woke up today and went to urgent care and I have strep. So in fact my beating myself up and making myself work to make up for it has actually been super counter productive and making me sicker! I think the lesson here is to listen to my body more and beating myself up like that helps no one. I'm now surrounded by pillows and lots of water and taking off from class tomorrow. Hopefully my throat stops killing soon. Hope everyone has a relaxing Sunday!
Mariah, your day sounds so nice. What are you reading? So I've been complaining about feeling low and tired and bad for a week and a half now. I thought I was just super hungover and felt like I was starting from square one. Basically I was beating myself up for making myself feel tired and bad and felt like I had to work 300% to make up for it. Well, I finally woke up today and went to urgent care and I have strep. So in fact my beating myself up and making myself work to make up for it has actually been super counter productive and making me sicker! I think the lesson here is to listen to my body more and beating myself up like that helps no one. I'm now surrounded by pillows and lots of water and taking off from class tomorrow. Hopefully my throat stops killing soon. Hope everyone has a relaxing Sunday!
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Love the pendant design ST very nice!
Hope you feel better soon Rocks - glad you went in. I am reading Leota's Garden.
Great job on another sober week-end Kat - First day of pre-school is a big day for you as well as your daughter!
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My new reading/morning coffee space
very nice!Hope you feel better soon Rocks - glad you went in. I am reading Leota's Garden.
Great job on another sober week-end Kat - First day of pre-school is a big day for you as well as your daughter!
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[/IMG]My new reading/morning coffee space
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,315
Hi Fools...
Mon: 1.21pm....
Weather has broken here, now the rain..... can't win!
Tripping all day about the baby.... We're due for scans on the 18th Sep. I cant get my head from thinking of all that can go wrong.
I guess the lesson is to let go and surrender to the higher power. Like that song 'cest cera' (spelling), whatever will be will be....
I've always had trouble with letting go.......
Also came to the realization that I drank so much as my nerves are half shot. Through childhood and teenage years and the many experiences I've had, I now know that the appeal of alcohol was the effect on the nervous system. I think this hit the wall and now this has resulted in my anxiety problems, nervous overload!
Some self realization coming with sobriety, not easy to really see yourself though!
There's still a lot of things I need to work through.....
Hiked 15km yesterday and back on the weights and swimming. Obo's gonna be in the right shape if he's blessed with a little obo.....
Hope you're all well.............
stay tuned.....
Mon: 1.21pm....
Weather has broken here, now the rain..... can't win!
Tripping all day about the baby.... We're due for scans on the 18th Sep. I cant get my head from thinking of all that can go wrong.
I guess the lesson is to let go and surrender to the higher power. Like that song 'cest cera' (spelling), whatever will be will be....
I've always had trouble with letting go.......
Also came to the realization that I drank so much as my nerves are half shot. Through childhood and teenage years and the many experiences I've had, I now know that the appeal of alcohol was the effect on the nervous system. I think this hit the wall and now this has resulted in my anxiety problems, nervous overload!
Some self realization coming with sobriety, not easy to really see yourself though!
There's still a lot of things I need to work through.....
Hiked 15km yesterday and back on the weights and swimming. Obo's gonna be in the right shape if he's blessed with a little obo.....
Hope you're all well.............
stay tuned.....
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Top of the Morning to you All! The new morning routine is going well....I have Son delivered to the bus & back home before 7:00 giving me more than 2 hours before I head out to work, which is really nice.
Our best work, our finest moments, our joy
happen when we're centered, listening to ourselves,
allowing our hearts and souls to guide us.
They happen when we fully, and completely,
and in love, be who we are.
Have a good day Fools!
Our best work, our finest moments, our joy
happen when we're centered, listening to ourselves,
allowing our hearts and souls to guide us.
They happen when we fully, and completely,
and in love, be who we are.
Have a good day Fools!
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Quiet here...hope all is well with everyone. It is almost 1:00 am and another sleepless night for me. I don't understand what the problem is....I don't drink ANY caffeine past about 11am....I'm dead tired from work, chores here & exercise like a fool. Just want to sleep.
Hope you had a more peaceful sleep last night Obo. By the way, you are already a Dad, worrying about the little one
Morning Kat! Where are you Luce...ST.....TS? Everyone????
Hope you had a more peaceful sleep last night Obo. By the way, you are already a Dad, worrying about the little one
Morning Kat! Where are you Luce...ST.....TS? Everyone????
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Good morning, Mariah. Obo. Dee. Check in, Fools! 
It's amazing how the mind switches to constant worry mode practically from the moment you find out you're going to be a parent.
I worry about the most random things at random times and that affects my ability to sleep sometimes! I've learned some coping mechanisms along the way.
Like right now I drive my kiddos to preschool. But my mommy brain is already insanely worried about my daughter riding the bus to kindergarten A YEAR FROM NOW! Lol.
Right now my back is majorly bothering me and this happens maybe 3 times a year. Not sure how I'm going to go play in my 2 year old's intro hour to preschool. But somehow we just do it. I can hear AV whispering at moments like this. Injury/sickness is one thing that it clings to.
No way, AV. No way.
It's amazing how the mind switches to constant worry mode practically from the moment you find out you're going to be a parent.
I worry about the most random things at random times and that affects my ability to sleep sometimes! I've learned some coping mechanisms along the way.
Like right now I drive my kiddos to preschool. But my mommy brain is already insanely worried about my daughter riding the bus to kindergarten A YEAR FROM NOW! Lol.
Right now my back is majorly bothering me and this happens maybe 3 times a year. Not sure how I'm going to go play in my 2 year old's intro hour to preschool. But somehow we just do it. I can hear AV whispering at moments like this. Injury/sickness is one thing that it clings to.
No way, AV. No way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 684
Hi Fools,
You've all been in my thoughts, even though I haven't been here for days. I'm visiting a friend right now, and having a really good time. I'll leave here and go back to FL over the weekend for another week with my grandparents.
Being out of town in the last few years has involved a lot of rationing of drugs, trying to control my intake early so I had enough to get through my trip until I got home and could get more. I was usually making calls from the gate area at one of my connecting airports, trying to work out a deal for right when I got back to town, and thinking that if I'd been able to ration through my trip so well, then I could continue to ration and reduce my intake once I got home. Of course it never happened that way...
Sometimes I can't believe I've gotten past that cycle, it seemed so impossible for so long. I could never have had this really great visit with my friend the way things were going before. I couldn't wake up feeling as good as I did this morning, I couldn't stop focusing on hiding my secrets long enough to really enjoy anything. I just feel so grateful right now.
I hope we all get there.
Have a great day everyone. I'll try to check in more than I have been.
You've all been in my thoughts, even though I haven't been here for days. I'm visiting a friend right now, and having a really good time. I'll leave here and go back to FL over the weekend for another week with my grandparents.
Being out of town in the last few years has involved a lot of rationing of drugs, trying to control my intake early so I had enough to get through my trip until I got home and could get more. I was usually making calls from the gate area at one of my connecting airports, trying to work out a deal for right when I got back to town, and thinking that if I'd been able to ration through my trip so well, then I could continue to ration and reduce my intake once I got home. Of course it never happened that way...
Sometimes I can't believe I've gotten past that cycle, it seemed so impossible for so long. I could never have had this really great visit with my friend the way things were going before. I couldn't wake up feeling as good as I did this morning, I couldn't stop focusing on hiding my secrets long enough to really enjoy anything. I just feel so grateful right now.
I hope we all get there.
Have a great day everyone. I'll try to check in more than I have been.
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