You're absolutely right Gazza. When I drank I drank to check out and I suffered as a result. My family was dismayed by how out of it I was all the time and sometimes I'd make bad decisions when I was out of it too. Plus, that became my only coping mechanism. Problem? Check out. Feeling bad? Check out. Stress? Check out. Heck, sometimes I'd even get so upset about NOT wanting to drink that I'd drink (does that make any sense?). It'd be too easy to run to that bottle than to face some issues that I more or less had no way of dealing with... because I had become weak through a quick chemical fix. I'd probably do the same thing with weed or any mind altering substance.

That's kind of why I'm doing some soul searching/ inventory stuff right now. My stinking thinking got me into trouble before. This fear/ regret/ shame/ guilt/ perfectionism crap has GOT to go.

Thats the whole thing right there. My old counsellor always would ask me what are you running away from with all that drinkng?

I never knew.

Took quite a while to figure out but I was running from myself; the one person I couldn't run from. I had to change so I didn't want to run anymore. Seems like a "duh" now, doesn't it?

I was running from my anxiety, without realizing the drinking was actually making the anxiety worse and throwing depression into the mix as well. (That's my "duh", dSober. ;) ) I lived a vicious cycle for many, many years.

Lulu, dsober, casinva - Insightful.

I started for the social lubricant booze provided, but kept coming back for the escape. I thought I was OK because I didn't drink every day (even though I wanted to) and didn't get physically sick from not drinking.

My husband feels that he is OK for the reasons that I used to think I was ok. He thinks he's moderating, and that's all he needs to do. While he's more successful at moderating than I ever was, he's not working on any of the issues that got him drinking too much; and even if he moderates successfully for the rest of his life, he's still avoiding the issues that got him to the point where he needed to.

Since getting sober, I've been lonely in my marriage. With each day that I get better, I feel like I'm moving further away from him, and there's no end to the loneliness in sight. And some days, the pain from this loneliness makes me want to drink, to numb the loneliness and feel closer to him.

((Hugs))) Glee. This has been an interesting journey for me with my marriage. I thought at one point two months ago that we weren't going to make it. Like you, I felt we were moving further away from each other and I felt very lonely. I had a long talk with my husband and laid it all out there - the resentment I had been feeling about him not speaking up about my drinking, our lack of communication, etc. etc. We're slowing finding our new normal. I hope you will too.

Thanks Casinva. He's an alcoholic too. We grew into alcoholism together over the years. He doesn't see himself as an alcoholic or see me as one, even though I identify as an alcoholic and go to AA. Denial is fierce with addiction!

We are talking about our relationship. I'm an open book about what I'm feeling and going through. He's always been more reserved, and counted on me to tease out his feelings. He's shared resentments, lots of them. I understand the recent ones, or ones related to my drinking problem. But there are some from years ago, that should have been long let go.

A friend wisely suggested that it'll take time to gain his trust that my sobriety isn't just "another passing phase." I haven't been a great partner. I've been a drunk!

Before I got sober and faced the problems with my thinking, I probably would have internalized his resentments of me, and scrambled to make it better, without thought. I have developed self respect in all of my relationships in sobriety.

I'm so mad at myself for ignoring my needs and negating my value all these years. Simply taking care of my needs, or standing up for myself, feels like a monumental act in his presence. I wonder, did I drink to make it easier to live according to that dysfunctional paradigm? Is there any hope of changing? Will I be happy even if it does change?

I'm happy sometimes. And I even feel pockets of serenity. Nights and weekends, when hubby's home, is when I struggle. Is that a bad sign?

That's what's raging in my alcoholic brain these days. Thanks for listening Febbies.

I wonder all of these things myself. I think we were in such a state of oblivion for so long that it's like waking out of a coma 10-15 years later and things are so different. I mentioned that we were slowly finding our new normal. I truly think my husband was very happy with the way things used to be and I've said that to him many times. He liked the person that would sit with her glass(es) of wine and didn't rock the boat. He actually had the nerve to say a few weeks ago that he doesn't like having to talk when he comes home from work, that he's talked all day. That's where the drunk me fit in perfectly for him. He became very comfortable with that. Well, tough noogies - the old me, pre-drinking me from 20 years ago, is back and she's not going anywhere.

I honestly can't even think about what will be a few years down the line. I think they're either going to have to learn that this is the new us and come along for the ride with us or it's their loss.

I used to be spunky way back when, too. I'm making my way back!

This may sound childish but I fear my h would rather live with me with his anger than ask to or agree to end things.

Hi everyone,

Gleefan and casinva I'm sorry to hear about your marital struggles. I had some issues with my marriage as well that are related to alcoholism. Addiction just seemed to affect every aspect of my life.
I think it's very true that after someone stops an addiction that they had been doing for so long, things aren't just all of a sudden sunshine and roses (it wasn't for me, anyway). The people around us adapted to our addiction over the years. They coped with it in their own ways. So when we stop all of a sudden, it's another change they have to deal with. I agree casinva that it's sort of like waking up from a coma. After reading so many of the Friends and Family posts I can see how hard it'd be for a family when the alcoholic just comes out and it like "Hey guys! I'm back!". I think it talks about this in the AA's Big Book.

But sometimes I think people come out of their addiction and during the recovery process they start to realize that they have to take care of themselves and even love themselves. Through that transformation I think they start to see that maybe they've been in an abusive relationship and/ or someone has been taking advantage of them while they were in that addiction. Then it's like there's this huge conflict. I can't imagine how hard it'd be to have two people with an addiction and one is in recovery while the other one is still in it.

Life is hard as is. Addiction just makes it 10x harder. I'm so glad we're all in this together.

Interesting thing is that I used to always feel like my drinking was stopping us from going places and doing things. I thought I was holding my husband back. Now it seems like it's just the opposite. He became accustomed to and comfortable with not going places and doing things and now that I do want to do them, he does do them and ends up having fun, but it seems to be a chore getting to that point for him. If that makes any sense, lol. And believe me, things have been far from sunshine and roses since I stopped drinking. It's been a long road back for me. It's really not been until the past month that I've felt truly "normal" and alive.

Hey gang, dropped in to say hi.

Congrats to all of you, I'm very proud of all you.

Hi Febbies - still in AZ; having a wonderful time caring for my grands. Completely and thoroughly exhausted, though; turns out God knew what He was doing when he gave us a biological clock.

Although I have not had time to post, I have been "keeping up" and have rejoiced in your successes, marveled at your strength and courage in the face of challenges, and shed tears with you as you faced disappointments.

I will be heading home in several days but will leave shortly thereafter to head to the Land of Lonely Shadow for several weeks.

Love to you all.

Glee i'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely in your marriage, but you have this amazing insight and strength so I'm sure you can do exactly what's right. I'm afraid I have no experience of marriage so I have no real words of advice, but in terms of words of support, continue doing what you're doing; Sobriety is the right choice, I can almost hear your AV trying to associate drinking with contentment and companionship. It is a false feeling, ignore it. If you feel uncomfortable in sobriety then something in the situation is wrong, not the sobriety itself. Hope you're doing good today, you're a continuing inspiration for me :)

SoberLeigh: You're venturing into my realm?!

Gazza, keep it up man, you're the best. Seriously.

NT, Lulu and Casinva, great to see you guys!

:ring

Yes, I certainly am; will be on England for a couple of weeks and Scotlsnd for a week. Except for UK airports, it has been decades since I have set foot in your land.

Nt good to hear from you. What's shaking?

SL - enjoy your travels!

LS - thank you :)

Enjoying a nice trip to the beach today. Love to all!

LS - It means a lot to me that you trust me enough to tell me the truth that you see.

Lulu - Nice to see you here! :)

The pain and loneliness and frustration in my marriage have become unmanageable for me. I kind of had a moment of surrender with my relationship, much like the one I had with drinking. I need to hand it over to my higher power so I can stay present in the moment. I need to be sober so I can experience it. I need to have faith that my intuition will guide me to joyous, happy and free and stop trying to guess the outcome.

(((glee)))); you continue to amaze me every step of the way along your journey. What a gift you are to us.

There really are things in life we're powerless over. Admitting it isnt defeatest its realistic.

I admit Im powerless over alcohol when I allow it in my life.

My soon to be ex and her decision to leave was certainly something I had no control over. To deal with that Ive had to hand it over many times. Im now at peace with it and looking to a single (carefully chaste) life.

Glee I hope you guys can work it out. Couples counselling maybe (Im sorry if you already mentioned it).

Be well all
G

Congratulations on six months today, Casinva!!!