michaels_w

Okay, Undies,

I'm facing a small dilemma. I am invited to a family (in-law) get-together, for later tonight. My problem, is that a family member, who is also going, is an absolute trigger for my addiction. It's actually at his house.

It's not a physical trigger, that is, where there'll be any actual chemical there, of any kind. It's not that. It is our history. It has been a rocky one The details are too long to explain for this post, but it's been difficult.

My wife understands the issue very well. She will support me in either decision. I just want to make her happy. Truly. It's not out of pure family obligation. I literally owe her my life, twice over.

I question my strength. I question my honor, as a husband. I question my integrity. This one really goes deep into my character. How far do I go to reasonably protect my sobriety and, at the same time, honor my wife?

I am certain that you all have faced similar situations. I know that you're probably going to say that you can't "tell" me the answer. (All of my candles, chants and prayers told me the same thing). I'm just a little lost. I just had to share. Thank you.

peace.

courage2

Hi Michaels -- blah blah blah I can't tell you what to do only what I would do etc blah blah -- I think if your wife will support you in either decision, you shouldn't go. There will be plenty of time when you have more sobriety to work through this rocky issue with the family member. You won't ever be able to do it if you take on challenges now that are over your head. There's no shame or dishonor here -- no one is going to die because of this decision, but it sounds like it would be safer to stay home. You honor your marriage best by building serious sober bonds, not by taking on burdens out of a sense of duty.

Saskia

Michaels - I heartily endorse what courage said. Your wife sounds like a good supporter for you and it doesn't sound like this is a situation where you are serio u sly torn in different directions. Take care of yours elf first for now.

gleefan

Dot - you nailed it. I was sad because my relationship left me dangling during a very difficult evening, and made a difficult evening worse.

My husband doesn't want to listen to me talk about my sobriety or emotional recovery; he said he doesn't like the conversations because they are "too heavy." It's out of character for him because he's always listened to me talk about heavy stuff, light stuff, any kind of stuff. He's not sober, though, and he's probably an alcoholic, but doesn't see himself as one. I wonder if it's unreasonable of me to wish he was a part of my sober life.

I don't like living with his alcoholism. I don't like the pressure of not drinking at events where most people are. That includes Friday and Saturday nights in our household! I wonder if it's unreasonable of me to feel lonely when he's drinking.

I see and hear about couples who support each others' attempts at growth and health and wellness and sobriety. My husband wants none of that. He's doesn't exercise formally or eat well, and complains when I make healthy food. I wonder if it's unreasonable of me to feel disappointed that he doesn't have the same interests or habits as mine.

I don't want to be a codependent person who makes it my husband's role to fulfill my needs. Thanks for allowing me to get it out, and for validating my feelings. It means a lot.

I'm home safe and sound (thanks North), and even managed to get in an afternoon pool party on the way home. A good friend I've known a long time made a really interesting comment about me at the party. A mom was getting fired up at the way one of the kids was treating her kid, and wanted to confront the child's parents. I told her to handle it herself a few more times before ratting out the kid, and my good friend expressed mock shock and awe, referencing the more feisty approach she's come to expect from me. Emotional sobriety at work here.

Anyway, my trip was fun. This time last year I was nursing an incredibly uncomfortable hangover. Today, I rode home, went to a party, unpacked the car, put everything away - and have energy to spare. Because I'm sober. This week I managed to go on a whale watch, eat several lobster rolls and cups of clam chowder, go shopping, take the kids mini golfing, go swimming at night, find a beach that has lots of sandbars for the kids to play in at low tide, ride my bike, float in the water while the boats sailed by, go shell collecting, take great pictures of the sunset, fly a kite, spend lots of time playing with my little nephews, read, play several rounds of Uno, lay out in the sun, and best of all stay sober.

I saw this at a gift store.


image-1717527554.jpg


Thanks for listening!!

overandoverture

Hey, just thinking that maybe I should introduce myself! I'm just finishing up day 20

gleefan

Sparky - Congrats on 30 days!

DG - Congrats on 16 months! I'm so glad you continue to share your journey with the Undies. You're a role model for me. Your commitment to sobriety and emotional growth is an inspiration.

OandO - Welcome and well done on 20 days!

Mw - I echo what courage said. Your wife is supportive, and you could honor that by doing what keeps you sober.

Courage - You sound like you're in a peaceful sort of place.

Gilmer - You have abundant wisdom, strength and courage. I wish you all the best with your Bull.

I hope all the assorted Undies are having a good, sober weekend!!

overandoverture

Thanks Gleefan! Glee, as in the show? Or the emotion :p

gleefan

Both.

A few years ago when I decided to quit drinking after a DUI I did so by locking myself in my bedroom and watching the first season of glee on DVD. It was an honest attempt but I was drinking by episode 3.

A couple years after that I made another honest attempt to stop drinking. I found SR, had to come up with a username, and my hungover brain thought of my previous attempt at sobriety watching Glee in my bedroom. I think the show is ok, but I'm not it's biggest fan or anything.

This year I quit again, retuned to sr, and the website remembered my computer.

The username has been a delightful coincidence because one of the things I'm beginning to find on this sober journey is something I didn't know I was seeking: joy, happiness and freedom. And I'm thinking of getting a tattoo symbolizing glee.

Dee74

welcome overandoverture

D

overandoverture

That's a really interesting story! I wish my username had as interesting a story.

I'm actually thinking of getting a tattoo to symbolise my struggle and newfound sobriety. An Emily Dickinson quote: "We grow accustomed to the dark when light is put away".

Elseware

Michael, I was in a similar situation earlier this year and by not listening to myself and staying away from a situation, I had a short relapse. If your wife truly is ok with you staying home, stay home from this situation. I went ahead against my better judgement because I didn't want to let any one down and I ended up letting everyone down. Mostly myself.

There are times when you just can't do a certain thing or event because your priorities have changed. You and your sobriety are the priority. Especially if you have the support of your wife. Maybe the two of you could make a special time of doing something else that night. My "shoulda, woulda, coulda" advice comes from experience. A learning experience for sure so I pass the lesson on to you.

Gleefan, great post! I always wondered about your name. And it sounds like your vacation was mighty fine! You are to be congratulated! I'm sorry your husband is not there for you. That must be hard to take sometimes.

Saskia

Welcome overandoverture!

Gleefan, I would suspect that your husband doesn't want to hear about your sobriety and emotional recovery exactly because he isn't on the same path. Perhaps he isn't interested or possibly he doesn't think he can. I don't have any pearls for you -- that's a tough situation. I hope you can find ways to deal with it. (((Hugs)))

DrakeCKC

Welcome to the Undies Over.... Oh that is confusing!

courage2

Welcome, over&overture!

Carlos, it just so happens that I've been hacking at my own hair with scissors & to judge the state of things in places I couldn't see, I took some pictures. So you get what you ask for, just this once.

SparkyMcSparky

Michaels, I'll be the d!nk here and tell you to go.

Maybe it's my personality, but I like facing my challenges head on and defeating them. Sure, some times this overconfidence has bit me in the butt, but most of the time, I feel it's made me stronger.

To me, I'd rather knowingly go into a challenging situation, prepare myself for it mentally, and make sure I defeat the crap out of it. To me, this is like exercising my muscles - by flexing them at times when I'm prepared to flex them, then I have the built in strength and confidence when I'm not prepared and the situation pops up on me.

Plus it would make my wife happy, not just that I'm going for her, but also she gets to see firsthand how what normally used to make me drink no longer does. My DW has been so happy to see me around campfires, out on the boat, off on golf night, and out with friends not drinking.

Only caution I'd throw is make sure you have a plan. If you cannot come up with a plan, don't go. You have to be able to think of a way not to drink in advance - if you can't think of a way, well, you know the answer.

As I say often though, YMMV.

SparkyMcSparky

I'd be drinking by episode 3 too.....

LOL

Dee74

Well, for me, the thing about challenges is - life already gives me plenty of those.

If I have an optional challenge, and it's not something I really should do to improve myself, I think it's ok to take the no thanks option - particularly if you feel you'll have a miserable time there and afterwards.

just my .02

D

SparkyMcSparky

Hey! I've been known to give bad advice......

"You should marry me" pops to mind. LOL.

Dee74

Just different personality types I think Sparky

D

courage2

Much as I love the young dudes flexing their muscles, as a sober woman I'd go every time with the thoughtful man who doesn't rush in to danger when he doesn't have to, and protects me from even the harm that's in him.

Not to be argumentative or anything.