One Year & Under Club Part 36
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 397
Originally Posted by Elseware 
Hi Pals! About this thing of dating while in early sobriety. I have been on the other side of this. Long time ago before things got too out of hand for me I started dating a man who was fairly new to sobriety. I was still drinking with no intention of stopping…
Last night was the meeting I was talking about that can be annoying, but we go out to eat after it, making everyone OK. Best burrito I’ve ever had. The meeting though, I was in a bit of a mood, and nothing was wrong with the meeting, just something agitated inside me… they alternate each week between step and discussion on a short reading and lead. Last night was step one and my eyes roll back in their sockets in anticipation of drunk-a-logs / war stories, babble about the “we” of the program, the past tense of the wording, and lack of manageability.
Whatever gratitude I had earlier just kind of slipped away. I heard myself sharing, “I’m not even slightly excited to be sober.” I feel more of a balance that’s barely in favor of not drinking. I don’t really like being sober, I just hate it more when there’s chaos from drinking, like the cops coming over (at least twice when I was wasted and nuts); like the fire department coming over because I passed out with something on the stove; I don’t miss things like that. I like not being hung over, that’s good. But there is a kind of emptiness right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Good morning, Undies!
LS, might I suggest that you widen your circle of friends? From what you said it sounds like you've been isolating. So when one person comes into your life, it can be too easy to invest everything in that relationship. It might help to find ways to widen your circle.
I'm just starting to recuperate from selling condo. Closing was yesterday and ahead of time I thought the relief after would be a high-risk time for me and I needed to do grocery shopping on my way home - and that's where I would often buy wine. I was happy to note that I had absolutely no cravings at all yesterday. I'm not assuming that all is now easy - I've learned that I may always need to be conscious of the temptations. But this is progress!
LS, might I suggest that you widen your circle of friends? From what you said it sounds like you've been isolating. So when one person comes into your life, it can be too easy to invest everything in that relationship. It might help to find ways to widen your circle.
I'm just starting to recuperate from selling condo. Closing was yesterday and ahead of time I thought the relief after would be a high-risk time for me and I needed to do grocery shopping on my way home - and that's where I would often buy wine. I was happy to note that I had absolutely no cravings at all yesterday. I'm not assuming that all is now easy - I've learned that I may always need to be conscious of the temptations. But this is progress!
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Just a quick check on.
Glad you enjoyed the moshing BeFree, still able to have fun!!
LS, totally agree with Sass, increase your social circle. If you go looking to do things that interest you, night classes, hobbies, you will find like minded people you can bond with. If this lass is meant to be in your life, that's fine, just don't be over reliant on her for your emotional fulfilment.
When I stopped drinking, I warned hubby that he might feel resentment towards me, as he immediately chose not to drink around me, even though he does enjoy a drink. ( as a normie) fortunately it never really came about, he would go out with friends or family for a drink, I would fetch him at the end of the night, or if it got late he would get a cab. Now I am comfortable enough in my sobriety to be happy for him to drink in the house if he wants one, and to go to bars with him and stick to club soda. I would not do any of this if it jeapordised my sobriety, but it doesn't. When I get occasional desires to drink. They come at any time and no longer last. I regret that I am not someone who can drink socially, I never regret not drinking and missing out on being able to drink is nothing compared to missing out on life.
Sass I'm glad everything went smoothly for you in the end, I know this has been a really stressful time for you.
Gilmer when do you go camping??
Ok folks, I have to leave y'all I have another busy day ahead. X
Glad you enjoyed the moshing BeFree, still able to have fun!!
LS, totally agree with Sass, increase your social circle. If you go looking to do things that interest you, night classes, hobbies, you will find like minded people you can bond with. If this lass is meant to be in your life, that's fine, just don't be over reliant on her for your emotional fulfilment.
When I stopped drinking, I warned hubby that he might feel resentment towards me, as he immediately chose not to drink around me, even though he does enjoy a drink. ( as a normie) fortunately it never really came about, he would go out with friends or family for a drink, I would fetch him at the end of the night, or if it got late he would get a cab. Now I am comfortable enough in my sobriety to be happy for him to drink in the house if he wants one, and to go to bars with him and stick to club soda. I would not do any of this if it jeapordised my sobriety, but it doesn't. When I get occasional desires to drink. They come at any time and no longer last. I regret that I am not someone who can drink socially, I never regret not drinking and missing out on being able to drink is nothing compared to missing out on life.
Sass I'm glad everything went smoothly for you in the end, I know this has been a really stressful time for you.
Gilmer when do you go camping??
Ok folks, I have to leave y'all I have another busy day ahead. X
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Longshadow and R1ck, I can feel your loneliness from here. This is a tough one. I am very much an introvert and tend toward solitary pursuits, too. I'm very shy. But I do feel better once I kind of force my self to get out and be around people. I've learned some new social skills because I had to do it. I always tended to let alcohol and drugs break the ice for me on any occasion. And I do mean any. So now with a year of practice under my belt things have gotten so much easier. The hardest part is getting out of the house. Or having someone over. Just that first step. I'm careful not to be the first one to arrive at a gathering and have become adept at asking people about themselves to get them to talk so I don't have to say a whole lot. You just have to get out there and practice and I know it is hard.
Recovery, besides stopping the substance abuse, IS rebuilding your life and learning social skills and this takes time. It's called PAWS and I've had it bad. I'm making it, though, little by little. Your life has to heal and healing takes time. There's no way around it. Today I'm having a much easier time of it. Allow yourself to just BE for a while. Say yes to small bits of social interaction that come your way. Don't rush it. Be careful with yourself. You're a newly minted coin. You're the most important person in your new way of life.
Recovery, besides stopping the substance abuse, IS rebuilding your life and learning social skills and this takes time. It's called PAWS and I've had it bad. I'm making it, though, little by little. Your life has to heal and healing takes time. There's no way around it. Today I'm having a much easier time of it. Allow yourself to just BE for a while. Say yes to small bits of social interaction that come your way. Don't rush it. Be careful with yourself. You're a newly minted coin. You're the most important person in your new way of life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Toots - Good to hear from you between your day trips! I hope you had fun at the amusement park yesterday, and let me tell you that if you were at Six Flags, you were super close to my neck of the woods.
LS - It sounds like you're yearning to widen your social circle, but maybe not sure how to? Learning how to reach out may take some time. Someone shared at a meeting last week that AA was a safe place to practice those skills. Toots has some good suggestions on things to do in addition to that.
R1ck - It took time for me to transition from staying sober to avoid negative consequences to staying sober to maintain good things in life. It happens, eventually, with a combination of physical and emotional healing.
DG - I love to travel too. There's nothing wrong with taking a day off! I'm glad you enjoyed your trip.
Sass - Great to hear that you were anticipating your trigger - and also great to hear that it didn't come to fruition.
Gilmer - Sounds like a nice bonding time with your Dad.
M_w - Gratitude is a powerful tool. I'm glad you're working on finding things to appreciate about yourself. Keep sharing with us!
Carlos - Have fun at your golf tournament. I hope you break 80, and chompers hopes you break 70; you'd be well advised to sleep with one eye open near chompers.
BFree - A mosh pit? Oh my goodness! I hope that knee gets better quickly.
As the first day of school rapidly approaches, I am feeling very motivated to secure some different work. This is when I'm fortunate to have that all-or-nothing energy. I'm asking my HP, who I can neither describe nor quantify, but I figure what the heck, why not, for guidance towards work that is well suited for me. I'm gonna pound some pavement this morning, hopefully slip in a bike ride with a friend, then take the kids out for dinner and a movie this afternoon - all free from the bondage of alcohol.
Have a great day, Undies!
LS - It sounds like you're yearning to widen your social circle, but maybe not sure how to? Learning how to reach out may take some time. Someone shared at a meeting last week that AA was a safe place to practice those skills. Toots has some good suggestions on things to do in addition to that.
R1ck - It took time for me to transition from staying sober to avoid negative consequences to staying sober to maintain good things in life. It happens, eventually, with a combination of physical and emotional healing.
DG - I love to travel too. There's nothing wrong with taking a day off! I'm glad you enjoyed your trip.
Sass - Great to hear that you were anticipating your trigger - and also great to hear that it didn't come to fruition.
Gilmer - Sounds like a nice bonding time with your Dad.
M_w - Gratitude is a powerful tool. I'm glad you're working on finding things to appreciate about yourself. Keep sharing with us!
Carlos - Have fun at your golf tournament. I hope you break 80, and chompers hopes you break 70; you'd be well advised to sleep with one eye open near chompers.
BFree - A mosh pit? Oh my goodness! I hope that knee gets better quickly.
As the first day of school rapidly approaches, I am feeling very motivated to secure some different work. This is when I'm fortunate to have that all-or-nothing energy. I'm asking my HP, who I can neither describe nor quantify, but I figure what the heck, why not, for guidance towards work that is well suited for me. I'm gonna pound some pavement this morning, hopefully slip in a bike ride with a friend, then take the kids out for dinner and a movie this afternoon - all free from the bondage of alcohol.
Have a great day, Undies!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,027
Hi Undies, what a great group! Loving the posts – I’ve been away and am catching back up on SR gradually, please forgive any oversights!
sober1ck – congratulations on passing 3 weeks and making growth. I think we all feel bad about our mistakes and the time we wasted making them. But all we can do with that sadness is learn from it and use it to show empathy to others who are suffering more than we are. You’re doing both of those things by posting about it
Gilmer, I’m glad you had a good afternoon at the movies with your dad. That’s a hard role that you’re in. Your posts show a lot of caring and sensitivity and good sense.
Carlos, your recent posts have been great to read, esp. #206. Thanks.
Toots, I hope your visitors are showing you a good time!
Gleefan, the news about your job must be hard to cope with, even though you’re putting a brave face on it. You’re doing all the right things by reaching out to different leads. Just keep putting yourself out there and things will get better. You probably feel pretty exposed, but with practice, it gets (sometimes) to feel kind of fun just to lay your weakness & need on the table so to speak, and say, I’d be grateful for some help of any kind, and I’m open to suggestions. Good luck!
Welcome, Rickh54! Welcome, casinva! And welcome back, calichris & madbird! This is kind of an intimidating group at first ‘cause it moves so fast, but you’ll get used to it & then you won’t be able to do without Undies!
Siesta & Northof49 – re skipping important events for others – sometimes it’s for the best. I skipped a retirement party for a close colleague (he’d say a friend but I still have a hard time with that word) and still feel badly about it. But I had recently relapsed, there would have been a lot of strangers, he’s a wine geek. I made time to have a private lunch with him before he left town, and we were able to say our goodbyes without the drinking environment. It was for the best for me, and didn’t matter to him at all. I think my bad feelings about it are more shame about my weakness than concern for his happiness. And that’s just my pride trying to undo me (again).
Carlos, my doctor told me that I should probably stay on a maintenance dose of anti-ds for the rest of my life, and as far as I’m concerned, if I start arguing with that, that’s the first sign that I’m headed for a relapse. We’re each different and I’m not saying what’s good for you, but I’ve been on 6 months and the change continues to be astonishing. I just got back from a 3 day holiday – I took EXACTLY the same holiday in 2013 with 8 months sober & I was a nervous wreck. This was so different, I can’t even describe it. I was there instead of in my head. I resisted psychopharm for 30 years to my detriment – anti-ds are part of accepting instead of fighting now, for me.
Dorothy, I hope you feel better and send us a nice, long post!
Boozefree it’s great you were in the mosh pit and having a blast! I love your post #316 – you go get some more of that!
Lonelyshadow, I’d suggest staying away from relationships, romance, and new partners until you’re quite solid in sobriety, at least a year. That stuff messes with your head seriously – it’s like a drug of its own, and can be a gateway to a relapse.
Altoids, I’m in the slow lane too!
AFree, Drake, Saskia, Sparky, Boozefree, DG, michaels_w, Elseware, and everyone – thanks for filling up my a.m.!
sober1ck – congratulations on passing 3 weeks and making growth. I think we all feel bad about our mistakes and the time we wasted making them. But all we can do with that sadness is learn from it and use it to show empathy to others who are suffering more than we are. You’re doing both of those things by posting about it
Gilmer, I’m glad you had a good afternoon at the movies with your dad. That’s a hard role that you’re in. Your posts show a lot of caring and sensitivity and good sense.
Carlos, your recent posts have been great to read, esp. #206. Thanks.
Toots, I hope your visitors are showing you a good time!
Gleefan, the news about your job must be hard to cope with, even though you’re putting a brave face on it. You’re doing all the right things by reaching out to different leads. Just keep putting yourself out there and things will get better. You probably feel pretty exposed, but with practice, it gets (sometimes) to feel kind of fun just to lay your weakness & need on the table so to speak, and say, I’d be grateful for some help of any kind, and I’m open to suggestions. Good luck!
Welcome, Rickh54! Welcome, casinva! And welcome back, calichris & madbird! This is kind of an intimidating group at first ‘cause it moves so fast, but you’ll get used to it & then you won’t be able to do without Undies!
Siesta & Northof49 – re skipping important events for others – sometimes it’s for the best. I skipped a retirement party for a close colleague (he’d say a friend but I still have a hard time with that word) and still feel badly about it. But I had recently relapsed, there would have been a lot of strangers, he’s a wine geek. I made time to have a private lunch with him before he left town, and we were able to say our goodbyes without the drinking environment. It was for the best for me, and didn’t matter to him at all. I think my bad feelings about it are more shame about my weakness than concern for his happiness. And that’s just my pride trying to undo me (again).
Carlos, my doctor told me that I should probably stay on a maintenance dose of anti-ds for the rest of my life, and as far as I’m concerned, if I start arguing with that, that’s the first sign that I’m headed for a relapse. We’re each different and I’m not saying what’s good for you, but I’ve been on 6 months and the change continues to be astonishing. I just got back from a 3 day holiday – I took EXACTLY the same holiday in 2013 with 8 months sober & I was a nervous wreck. This was so different, I can’t even describe it. I was there instead of in my head. I resisted psychopharm for 30 years to my detriment – anti-ds are part of accepting instead of fighting now, for me.
Dorothy, I hope you feel better and send us a nice, long post!
Boozefree it’s great you were in the mosh pit and having a blast! I love your post #316 – you go get some more of that!
Lonelyshadow, I’d suggest staying away from relationships, romance, and new partners until you’re quite solid in sobriety, at least a year. That stuff messes with your head seriously – it’s like a drug of its own, and can be a gateway to a relapse.
Altoids, I’m in the slow lane too!
AFree, Drake, Saskia, Sparky, Boozefree, DG, michaels_w, Elseware, and everyone – thanks for filling up my a.m.!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Courage, I agree about the anti-d's (among other things). I resisted them for a long time but haven't had a major depressive episode since. That's a priceless gift. Sometimes I get a bit down but it's nothing like what I used to deal with :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
BFree- Glad to hear you enjoyed the moshing! I've never been a fan of crowds and don't think I could enjoy such a thing.
Carlos- Passing up a date for golf... well, at least she knows from the get-go where your priorities lie!
AFree- Glad to hear you're enjoying being a good parent.
Wheww.... I thought I just hit something to make my reply entirely disappear, but then found that there are some small little arrows to the top right that let you hide or show where you are typing a reply.
LS- I can definitely understand the temptation. Perhaps, whatever you do about this girl, it would be a good idea to get out more and make some other friends. Otherwise, you set ourself up to fall hard when she leaves.
Carlos- Passing up a date for golf... well, at least she knows from the get-go where your priorities lie!
AFree- Glad to hear you're enjoying being a good parent.
Wheww.... I thought I just hit something to make my reply entirely disappear, but then found that there are some small little arrows to the top right that let you hide or show where you are typing a reply.
LS- I can definitely understand the temptation. Perhaps, whatever you do about this girl, it would be a good idea to get out more and make some other friends. Otherwise, you set ourself up to fall hard when she leaves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Saskia- Glad to hear you were craving-free after the condo sale. Sometimes when we are prepared for cravings, they fail to materialize, but rather show up when we are least expecting.
Toots- I like what you said about missing out on drinking being so much less than missing out on life if you were drinking.
Elseware- I think yoru advice was spot on!
Glee- Your day sounds like a nice one. Good luck on the job hunt.
Courage, it's good to see you stopping by.
Toots- I like what you said about missing out on drinking being so much less than missing out on life if you were drinking.
Elseware- I think yoru advice was spot on!
Glee- Your day sounds like a nice one. Good luck on the job hunt.
Courage, it's good to see you stopping by.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Well, I'm thinking about how sometimes I tend to second-guess my choices a lot. It can be really hard for me to make simple choices, particularly if there are a lot of options. For example, picking what I want to eat at a restaurant. It's kind of silly since a lot of times, these decisions really don't have a huge impact on my life.
I heard a quote at my work conference earlier on my trip- "The best thing you can do is the right thing. The next best thing you can do is th wrong thing and the worst thing you can do is nothing." Sometimes, it's best just to make a decision, stick to it and be able to move forward.
I think I want to work on making faster decisions when it comes to things of relatively little importance rather than wasting time considering all the options. I make myself almost kind of nervous and anxious when I am faced with some decisions like menus at a restaurant, or deciding what to start on first when I have a lot of things to get done at work.
I'm thinking I need to come up with some decision making procedures that make it easier to decide. For example, I could just decide that I'm always going to do a certain type of task first at work and then stick to that.
Anyway, just my thoughts for this morning after trying to book my room for tonight. So many questions- should I drive all the way home and have one super long drive, or break it up and stop along the way? Should I stop in town x, y, or z along the way if I do stop? Should I book the room now, or wait until later in the day and see how I'm feeling? What if I wait to book it and the good deal on priceline I wanted is no longer available? Should I go for the 2-star motel that is cheaper or the 3-star that would be a bit nicer? And then once I've decided it all and booked the room, I wonder if it was the right thing to do!
I make it all ridiculously complicated and then worry about it when next month, none of it will make a difference in my life. And the room I ended up booking this morning was the same one I almost initally booked last night before deciding that I would 'sleep on it'.
I heard a quote at my work conference earlier on my trip- "The best thing you can do is the right thing. The next best thing you can do is th wrong thing and the worst thing you can do is nothing." Sometimes, it's best just to make a decision, stick to it and be able to move forward.
I think I want to work on making faster decisions when it comes to things of relatively little importance rather than wasting time considering all the options. I make myself almost kind of nervous and anxious when I am faced with some decisions like menus at a restaurant, or deciding what to start on first when I have a lot of things to get done at work.
I'm thinking I need to come up with some decision making procedures that make it easier to decide. For example, I could just decide that I'm always going to do a certain type of task first at work and then stick to that.
Anyway, just my thoughts for this morning after trying to book my room for tonight. So many questions- should I drive all the way home and have one super long drive, or break it up and stop along the way? Should I stop in town x, y, or z along the way if I do stop? Should I book the room now, or wait until later in the day and see how I'm feeling? What if I wait to book it and the good deal on priceline I wanted is no longer available? Should I go for the 2-star motel that is cheaper or the 3-star that would be a bit nicer? And then once I've decided it all and booked the room, I wonder if it was the right thing to do!
I make it all ridiculously complicated and then worry about it when next month, none of it will make a difference in my life. And the room I ended up booking this morning was the same one I almost initally booked last night before deciding that I would 'sleep on it'.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North. Where it snows.
Posts: 702
Elseware love your new way of life post. It's very sweet and true.
It's true LS, the first year is all about learning new social skills, feeling raw, abnormal but wanting love. You're allowed to like being liked, let a friendship/love blossom. Maybe it will last as a first important relationship in sobriety, to help you find someone when the time comes.
Toots, your posts are always so wise and nice to read. I hope you're enjoying your visit with your family.
GF, like what you're saying about resentment. It's something I'm trying to eradicate in my life, more like sad bitterness that I then turn into depression. I think you,re wise and seeing clearly that that post is no longer fit for you. People have identified you in a way you're not happy with and you're right to look elsewhere.
So!! My fever is gone, my voice is back, still raw and cold-like but back. It's the cough I'm enduring now. Can't say I'm in top shape and I tend to minimise events that happened this year so I guess my body is telling me to take it easy. It's hard because I'm NEVER sick physically. It's my mind that needs healing usually.
I've tried many antidepressants and I can't stand them. They created havoc for me in all areas of my life. It's while being on them that I was truly suicidal. I'm grateful that I don,t need to take any today. Meditation has saved me. Yoga too. and frankly stopping drinking is my best AntiD ever. I do feel calmer, happier. Joyful in spite of the pain I feel. I've caught myself being grateful twice about something specific this week. For this I'M grateful
To the person who is looking for a job, I send TONS and TONS of positive vibe. I've been there 8 months, needing to rely on friends for food. Looking back, my mistake was to apply to all these lowly jobs in desperation when in fact, all along, a job for my skills as an executive was waiting for me. It's easy to say looking back but I think I might have wanted to hone my skills in my field (which I adore) while waiting for the perfect (or the best I could hope for) to come around. Life is a cycle. and the good inevitably returns. It's the waiting game that is cruel at times. So hang in there.
Have a happy Saturday dear undies. Here's my longish post to you Courage. xox
It's true LS, the first year is all about learning new social skills, feeling raw, abnormal but wanting love. You're allowed to like being liked, let a friendship/love blossom. Maybe it will last as a first important relationship in sobriety, to help you find someone when the time comes.
Toots, your posts are always so wise and nice to read. I hope you're enjoying your visit with your family.
GF, like what you're saying about resentment. It's something I'm trying to eradicate in my life, more like sad bitterness that I then turn into depression. I think you,re wise and seeing clearly that that post is no longer fit for you. People have identified you in a way you're not happy with and you're right to look elsewhere.
So!! My fever is gone, my voice is back, still raw and cold-like but back. It's the cough I'm enduring now. Can't say I'm in top shape and I tend to minimise events that happened this year so I guess my body is telling me to take it easy. It's hard because I'm NEVER sick physically. It's my mind that needs healing usually.
I've tried many antidepressants and I can't stand them. They created havoc for me in all areas of my life. It's while being on them that I was truly suicidal. I'm grateful that I don,t need to take any today. Meditation has saved me. Yoga too. and frankly stopping drinking is my best AntiD ever. I do feel calmer, happier. Joyful in spite of the pain I feel. I've caught myself being grateful twice about something specific this week. For this I'M grateful
To the person who is looking for a job, I send TONS and TONS of positive vibe. I've been there 8 months, needing to rely on friends for food. Looking back, my mistake was to apply to all these lowly jobs in desperation when in fact, all along, a job for my skills as an executive was waiting for me. It's easy to say looking back but I think I might have wanted to hone my skills in my field (which I adore) while waiting for the perfect (or the best I could hope for) to come around. Life is a cycle. and the good inevitably returns. It's the waiting game that is cruel at times. So hang in there.
Have a happy Saturday dear undies. Here's my longish post to you Courage. xox
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,027
Yay, Dorothy! I'm glad you're starting to feel better. I do a little bit of meditation daily ~5 minutes but yesterday for the first time I went to an AA meditation meeting with 20 minutes group meditation. It was much different & much better than I'd expected.
LOL someone could write that on a lot of stuff post-sobriety for me -- like my tombstone, maybe: It was much different & much better than I'd expected.
LOL someone could write that on a lot of stuff post-sobriety for me -- like my tombstone, maybe: It was much different & much better than I'd expected.
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