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Dee74 07-28-2014 08:50 PM

Moms and Mums Club Part 11
Last part here:


JustSarah 07-29-2014 01:15 AM

Hey ladies, first of the thread - woohoo :)

Well I'm sat at the hospital as I need to get a chest X-ray for immigration - it's not the most exciting place in the world but at least it's just me, my phone and some magazines. I ended up going to bed in the biggest funk last night. I put my headlines in and watched orange is the new black and barely spoke to the hubby - I know it's all me, and I'm frustrated at myself as I can't find the words to explain to him how I feel. I'm bored of being at home all the time and do frustrated that I can't work, add in the fact that he now sees is as my job to do everything around the house as I 'don't do anything else'. I also feel so uninteresting as I do the same thing daily and we've spent so much time appart since feb that I currently find it easier when he's away - I get to miss him and only have 2 kids to look after - he comes home and It's all just a bit flat emotionally and chaotic in the house.

Sorry if this post is all over the shop - I feel a bit messy. I'm going to go in a huge walk with the small one when I get home and try and walk the frustration out of me

Catch you all later xxxxx

GettingMeBack1 07-29-2014 03:54 AM

Hi ladies,
I can totally relate to the relationship issues. I think I mentioned earlier that I've been having some real doozies with hubby since tackling my alcohol issues. When I take away the self medicating of my stresses, I realise a lot more what I'm not happy with between us. And yes, relationships go through ups and downs and hopefully we're able to change in ways which bring us back together again and not just further apart. But of course that's not always going to be possible. I hope you find ways to reconnect Dolly.
Sometimes I feel like my husband treats me like a flatmate and not a lover. I am really missing the intimacy we had before we had kids. Both the physical, but also emotional intimacy we had. Sometimes I feel like to him I'm just a piece of furniture that cooks and babysits.
Sarah - I really relate to the frustration of being 'home' all day and having a guy who expects that I do everything because I'm not working. It took me a long time to get my hubby to ackowledge that being home with kids all day IS work - full time. And therefore we should split the 'house' work between us. It never really happened, and now I'm back working full time as well he still expects me to do it, even though many days he works from home and I don't. Of course he would never say he expects it from me, but the reality is if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Fortunately my counsellor now is an old school feminist! She's helping me to really start setting some boundaries and demand more participation from my husband.
How are you dealing with the isolation? I don't know how you're doing it in Sth Africa, but I know I find it hard living in a country that's not my home, away from my networks etc.
Anyway. I'm also a little down today - feeling unmotivated and crappy and not wanting to (again) do all the cleaning up etc on my day off. Sigh.
Good luck to all of us.

SoberLife2014 07-29-2014 08:32 AM

Good morning ladies,

Sounds like there are a lot of relationship issues going on. I think just about everything that has been said I can relate to. Unfortunately I'm not very good at giving out any sort of relationship advice so I'm not even going to try. But I will say that we just can't control the other person. All we can do is control ourselves and communicate what we want and don't want then go from there. Easier said than done, I know.

I hope everyone is doing well otherwise. I'm just taking it easy today. I haven't been feeling well lately. I've been feeling really drained and a little under the weather. Tired, sore throat, achy muscles. I thought I was getting my baby's illness, and maybe I still am, but I haven't gotten any worse over the past few days. I think I've just been over doing it. Giving all my energy to my baby, the house, hubby, etc. I need to recharge my batteries, so despite there are things that I think I need to do, I am forcing myself to take it easy today. No cleaning other than the dishes. Dinner will be something easy. I'll take a trip to the store because we are out of absolutely everything.

I've also been having some fairly intense cravings. I'm pretty sure it's coming from this "emotional makeover" I've been doing. Being tired adds to it too. Yesterday I got to a very dangerous place where I started getting emotional over the cravings. I felt like the fear was just seeping in that I wouldn't be able to control myself. Like my mind was getting clouded by the thought of drinking to just get out of my head. That's all I wanted to do. Just stop thinking. That's what it always boils down to. I just want the voices in my head to shut up. That feeling of "I NEED to drink" was coming back. It's a very powerful feeling. I didn't want to do anything that I'd normally do to help me through the cravings. I didn't think they'd work. I didn't even want to get on here and tell you all about it. I ended up just locking myself in the house, not allowing myself to go anywhere, and it eventually passed.

It was scary, and obviously this emotional makeover isn't working. Maybe I'm just not ready for it. Maybe I got overwhelmed. So, I'm wearing make up today, damn it. I like the way I look with it on. It makes me feel comfortable and I think it's fun to put it on. You could even say it's a way I express myself. I'm getting to a place where I can accept that I'll probably never be on the cover of Vogue, some people may not like the way I look, some people may, and I'm aging. And some of my friends are aging better than I am. There's just nothing I can do about that. I'm not 20 anymore. I don't get the attention I used to. I have crows feet. I have bags under my eyes. Whatever. I just can't help it. I am who I am. I didn't choose this body or this face so why should I be judged on it?

sunnyc5 07-29-2014 08:37 AM

Hi I am back!!!

sunnyc5 07-29-2014 08:42 AM

Having crappy relationship issues too!!! Was doing really well physically sober but the emotional sobriety takes a lot lot longer...anyway he started having a go last week saying I am an emotional zombie and need to do more around the house and blah blah blah ... I actually dont know if I love him any more he irritates me soooo much long story short I slipped and now he is saying he isn't sure he wants me to come on hols with him and the kids I really hate him..... this illness has turned him in to a neurotic control freak or was he always like that?

Dollyangel17 07-29-2014 02:27 PM thread:-)

Yeah...I can relate Sunny with those feelings and questioning my own towards hubby too.

Just have to take it day by day I guess and hope we can get back to where we were.
Welcome back by the way Sunny;-)

Having a few quiet minutes on my deck with some coffee, and I love it. Really needed it after today. Was a hectic day that started with me oversleeping. I haven't used an alarm click since my daughter was born..I just wake up only own around the same time every day.,,regardless. It really set my day off to an uneven keel today..and now I need some down time.

Hope all is well with you gals...waving to all:-)

Bebetter 07-29-2014 07:06 PM

Lulu - There has been research done that shows that we only have so much willpower in a day, and if we use it up, it's gone for when we might need it. It's very possible that all your changes are too much right now, but it doesn't mean you have to stop completely. Maybe just stop wearing one bit of makeup. Like blush, or eyeliner, or maybe keep doing your color and just stop with the foundation. Or just try to change your frame of mind on one aspect of your life. Right now, I'm trying this thing where I remind myself to smile while doing whatever I'm doing (grocery shopping, mowing the lawn), and it's amazing how my mental state shifts to happier thoughts when I'm smiling, even though the smile is forced to start. I automatically start seeing things in a better light, and the enjoyable aspects of life come to the surface, rather than the drudgery. I only remember to do it like once or twice a day, but it helps!

Lady - I forgot to answer your question from like, last week. We live in the Nazareth school district, which is a fantastic district to be in, and she's in the best (read: wealthiest) elementary school in the district (just by luck - we are not remotely wealthy ourselves, but there is a lot of $ around us). What district are you in?

Just got back from an overnight vacay during which I ate like a pig, ending with a giant ice cream sundae just before typing this. Sugar is so freaking addicting, I just gave up the rest of the day and figure I'll start eating normally tomorrow. I'm heading to bed after a not so restful sleep in the hotel last night, and hope to wake up to kids in a good mood. I had a dream last night that I was drinking white wine, and I was totally conflicted about it - feeling guilty, but not stopping. And then, in my dream, I did all sorts of awful things I would never do sober, and felt all the guilt and worry over getting caught. I swear, our minds do a ton of work while we sleep. I feel like my brain is rewiring against alcohol, reminding me (with this fairly squeamish dream) why I don't drink anymore.

Ladybug2 07-29-2014 07:39 PM

Hi ladies,

Just chilling in bed with my daughter and a bowl of popcorn (hubby is working). Wish it were ice cream, but seeing as I gained 10 lbs this last month, I need to cut down on sweets. Was doing so well with my weight gain and then all of a sudden 10 lbs in 4 weeks, yikes!! I know the baby is growing and all, but 10 lbs?! Oh well, it is what it is.

BeBetter, we are in the East Penn school district, which is very good as well. Is your daughter excited about starting kindergarten?

Sleep well everyone and will check back later. Xxxx

21reeves 07-30-2014 06:03 AM

Hi Ladies,
It's funny how things ebb and flow with spouses. We also go from being really tight and on the same page to feeling like we are room mates. I sometimes joke with my husband about labeling his shelf in the fridge like college. He loves that.

I think the most important thing to remember in any kind of healing is there will be a few steps forward and some steps back. If we all took on a healthy change and moved forward without issue, we would all be super healthy emotionally. There is a reason we all abuse alcohol. We are numbing/self medicating because of something. Allowing ourselves to be in the moment and feel the discomfort during those steps back is what will get us to the next place in our healing. It's when we start to feel the discomfort that we turn to something to make it all feel better or numb it, that's when we don't move on. Then the cycle continues. Hopefully, that when we practice this, and succeed with the knowing that nothing bad happens (other than the feeling) that we start gaining power. Now, I just have to figure out how to do it.

I'm thinking about eliminating sugar from my diet. I have totally gone from tons of wine sugar to every other kind of sugar. I was giving myself a break in the beginning because I felt like I needed to replace wine with something else, however, it's been 43 days and it might be time to get real. I also don't want to be extreme with things because that's my addictive personality talking and I can be one of those people that gets hyper-focused on something but can't sustain it. I hate not knowing what is "right" or how to get there.

I'm hoping today brings you all a little sense of peace!

lucygoose 07-30-2014 10:28 AM

Hey ladies- so great to hear from all of you! I have loved to have read all of your posts. Hubby issues and all.

I'm currently in Oregon at my in laws. We had a wonderful time up until coming here. Hubby's brother is a non sleeper and kept me up most of the night. Walking around upstairs. I cannot stand fighting for my health! People need sleep to survive and I'm all my kids have at the moment and I need my sleep!

The first 3 days were amazing! We went to my moms house and then to the beach. It was so wonderful. I too had to fight for what I wanted! I wanted to go to the beach. Everyone else had a different opinion but I wasn't giving in and the kids had an amazing time!!!!

Do any of you feel like you have to fight for what you want????? I wonder if that's a trait only to me. My hubby used to say I was being controlling by not doing what everyone else wants to do but I say screw it. You only live once.

My mother n law thinks I'm crazy going to Portland today but it's been at least 7 years since I've been. I don't live here anymore. I don't why people don't let me have freedom!!!! I feel so tied down. How hard is it to drive an hour and 1/2? The last thing I want to do is be stuck here.

My life is my life. I'm not going to let other people dictate what I'm doing from now on.

Have a nice day!!

JustSarah 07-30-2014 12:42 PM

Hi ladies,

Well I had the mother of all fall outs with the hubby last night, it sounds ridiculous and a total couples thing to fall out over but he's been obsessed with completing the Rubix cube, it's up there with being able to name the fifty states of America (which we can both do but is hilarious as neither of us are from there - anyways, I digress) so his latest thing is learning to do the rubix cube and he has spent hours pouring over algorithms on the internet and has now done it - yay him. I may have brought up the fact that if he spent as long figuring out my 'workings' as he did the rubix then maybe I'd be a whole lot happier. Not to mention your point (which I really liked Babbs) I do things for him cause I love him and same goes for the kids but it's all one sided at the moment and no-one does anything for me, highlighted with the fact that the last time we hugged was when I dropped him at the airport a week ago...until this morning that was. Anyways, he doesn't take criticism lightly, so he stormed off to bed after hearing enough so I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 1am and came to bed. Anyways, this morning I think he'd had time to digest and was lovely, and since he's gone back on his travels, we've talked loads and he's booked holiday to spend time with us and has got me a maid (South african term I guess) to come in once a week to deep clean this place and do my ironing. I feel like a load has lightened already, I know we need the bad times to appreciate the good, but man this move has taken it's toll. I love capetown and don't want to go back to the uk for a minute but I miss the support of my friends and family and with hubby not being present mentally or physically I think we needed this bust-up to get us back on track. I have given up my career to do this and am trying to change so much about me, drinking, and as of today smoking, I'm cool with it all as long as he can try to understand where I'm at.

Anyways, enough of me - Lucy, I am a people pleaser by nature and have had to really find a back bone to say if I do or do not want to do something, especially when it comes to family, so good for you for pleasing yourself and your kids. As you say you only live once. Also if people won't alter their plans for you, then why should you alter your plans for them - you sound good right now and I'm glad the kids loved it too :)

How are you getting on chickster? And welcome back sunny! :)

Helloooo to everyone else and catch you all soon :) cxxxxxxx

Babs78756 07-30-2014 01:47 PM

Good afternoon Friends -

Hope you all are having a good humpday.

Lucy - go to Portland. Enjoy it! Don't think twice about it.

Lulu - You're doing so much work on yourself and your family, its more than okay to slow down and enjoy the adjustments we're making. It's not all going to happen over night. Take a breath, let everything click. You'll be able to start again tomorrow.

Welcome back Sunny!

Tired, Tired, tired today. Baby was up all night. She had the throw-ups. Not even sure what caused it. She woke crying, husband went in to change her and when he put her back in her crib she wasn't having it. i went to give her her tylenoyl (her molars are coming in) and after she swallowed it, she threw up and continued to throw up most of the night. I finally got her settled about 5:00. I "slept" most of the night with her in her rocker. I went back to my bed at 6:20, alarm went off at 6:40. So begins Wednesday.

We have tickets to go to a concert I've been looking forward to for months tonight and I cannot tell you how many times I thought of bailing already. I'm so tired. But we have a sitter, the tickets were expensive and haven't had a date night with my husband in ages. So, pass the concealer... I'm going to this damn concert.

Think I might cut out of work shortly and go home... debating it.

Hoping you all are having a good Wednesday.



lucygoose 07-30-2014 10:23 PM

Just Sarah- Yes, I'm a people pleaser! Oh- we've got to grow out of it:-)

Babs-Have fun at the concert! I haven't even seen my hubby in ages but I'm very strong solo at the moment!

I went to Portland!!!!!!

My 15 year old and I had a blast! He got an early birthday present at the Moda Center. Then we had a fantastic lunch at my favorite restaurant, then did a tour of a mansion then to the Rose Gardens at Washington Park. It was the perfect day! My daughter stayed here with grandma who took her to the fair! So it worked out for everyone.

All the little voices around me are on mute!!!

Well wishes to all you beautiful ladies:-)

Bebetter 07-31-2014 05:58 AM

Hi all,

Today is my son's birthday. I had a craving last night when I pulled into the shopping center with a massive liquor store. I just wanted to drink this sadness away - not even get to the day. But I didn't want to be hungover today. When he died, I promised to act like the mother I would have been. Within 8 months, I was abusing alcohol and starting my second long period (and what has been the longest jaunt in sobriety I've ever had, at 26 months) of sobriety. I hate this part of my life. I hate that my house feels empty on days like this... as much as my girls fill my life with joy, I miss him terribly. I think back to that time, 7 years ago, and can't believe I endured. Since then, whenever something stressful happens in my life, I say to myself "I got through my child's death. I gave birth - laboring for 18 hours, knowing I would be holding my son who has no breath in him." and everything else falls away. Gaining sobriety has been the second hardest thing in my life. I hope that nothing will ever be as hard as that moment I was told there was no heartbeat.

sunnyc5 07-31-2014 07:01 AM

Hi all went to great AA meeting last night 'It could have been worse in BigBook @ I id sooooo much with it. Am struggling with hubby not sure I love him anymore BUT at advice of sponsor going to give it 2 years alanon mum said her friend it will take him ALOT lot longer to recover than me!! Anyway getting hair done after work so looking forwarsd to that!!!!!!!!!

Ladybug2 07-31-2014 07:16 AM

BeBetter, my heart goes out to you today. Hope you are able to do something today that you enjoy.

Babs78756 07-31-2014 07:26 AM

BeBetter - Your story brought tears to my eyes. I am wrapping you all up in goodness in my mind. Thinking of you.

21reeves 07-31-2014 10:36 AM

BeBetter- I am so sorry for your loss. You are giving yourself, your girls, and your son an amazing gift by staying sober.

JustSarah 07-31-2014 11:36 AM

Be better - I hope you're ok, I can't imagine the pain you've been through and re-live every year. I think you're doing an amazing job. I'm lost for words xxxxxx

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