Babs, I'm so sorry about your "friends" behavior. I have great difficulty shaking that kind of thing. I tend to sit with it and hyper-focus on the bad feeling. I hope you can let it go...burning sage is a great idea to rid yourself of the negative energy.

I just started reading the book Drinking to Distraction which seems to tell my story so far. In the beginning, the author describes the feeling of the first glass of wine...the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes in the beginning of an evening of drinking. I know the point is to tell her story and (I think) help others who may relate to the issue. However, her description of drinking made me want to jump on board with a bottle of wine too :) I'm sure that will change the further I get into the book.

I finished the book Wine: A Love Story- which was good but I was disappointed in the end. She seems to go from slobbering drunk to sober in a flash. It seemed super easy for her (which maybe it was) and then the book was done.

I'm also reading Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore. That one hasn't captured my interest as much so far. Hopefully, it will get better.

It's funny, I love books and I'm often asked by family and friends what books have I read lately. Recently, I've chosen to say nothing much. It's hard not to talk about books when you love them. Any recommendations from you all?

Oh, we are planning a family vacation for next summer. Something bigger than normal...a cruise or tropical location. As I started to plan yesterday, it was hard not to focus on a vacation like this with no alcohol. Hopefully, a year from now it won't feel so painful. Any suggestions on places to vacation?

Have a great Saturday.

Hi ladies,

Babs- That person on Facebook sounds like she has a lot of issues going on. Who knows why she felt the need to say something bad about your friend. Maybe she was jealous? Whatever the case may be I wouldn't take anything she said personally. By letting her get to you you're only giving her power. I know, it's easier said than done, but harboring resentments will only harm you. I hope the sage thing worked. I might have to try it out sometime.

21reeves- Those sound like great books to read. I really need to check out that "A love story" book. I keep hearing about it. A vacation sounds wonderful too. Let us know what you decide!

As for me, I had a pretty good weekend here. I've been trying really hard to work on not taking personally and being more patient. I try to remember that no one can judge me and I can't judge anyone else because only we know our stories. So, I really can't take ANYTHING personally. The patience thing is very challenging. I mean, I didn't lose my temper very often before but I would definitely say some negative things when I was upset. Lately I've tried to just not say anything until I've thought about it first... and sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes I'm so mad I feel like I'm going to implode if I don't release that anger somehow. I never had any idea how mad I get lol. For example, we gave our pack n play to the babysitter so I didn't have anywhere safe to put the baby when I needed to do something. I told my husband that I wanted to buy either 1) a new pack n play or 2) a baby gate to keep the baby wrangled in one spot. Well, my husband, being the engineer/ money saver that he is decided that he was going to BUILD a baby gate. End of story. Soooo... after spending the same amount of money on supplies that we would have spent on a baby gate, several hours of labor (and cussing) on his part, and a huge mess in the front room, I'm left with a baby gate made out of PVC pipe with some fabric adhered with duct tape. Plus, dinner was late because it was his night to make it and he didn't help at all with the baby. A good part of the day I was pretty pissed off because I knew this exact thing would happen. BUT I'm glad I didn't say anything because after thinking about it I see that he was trying to make something for me and my convenience. Plus, he loves to have projects, AND he let me pick out the fabric. I had to stop and change my thinking a little and I was able to prevent an argument. At the end of the day I still got what I wanted out of the deal which is a place to put the baby if need be and he got to do a project. I'm still a little mad that he wouldn't let me have any say in the whole deal but maybe I didn't communicate my needs enough? Either way, what's done is done and when he was finished he did say he regretted not just buying a baby gate lol. Maybe he'll learn a lesson...

So that's where I'm at today. I think it'll take practice, but I think in the long run it'll be a good thing for me and my family. My husband has already mentioned that he has noticed some good changes in me lately, and I feel better too.

I got some new loose tea at the Indian grocery a few days ago for my morning chai. I've been unsure how much to put in, and today, I had a nightmare experience. I made the chai, and just couldn't seem to get the color right by adding milk, but I didn't think anything of it, and drank it all - 4 cups or so (my usual). About 2 hours later, I started having waves of panic. The worst panic attacks of my life. TMI, but... I was hovered over the toilet trying to make myself throw up because my stomach felt so queasy, and I had diarrhea. I was dizzy and my heart was racing. I was utterly thirsty, and kept taking sips of water, while still feeling like I wanted to puke. My eyes couldn't focus on a book or computer screen, My thoughts were racing out of control. I have never felt more out of control or crazy. I begged my husband to take me to the ER. Multiple times. He put the TV on for the girls and stayed with me. I got super hot and stripped to my undies. I lay on the bathroom floor. He counted my heartrate, and it was relatively normal - just a little high at 75 bpm (I'm usually around 60-65). I couldn't take any position for long. I was pacing, hovering over the toilet, in the fetal position in bed. This all lasted for about 2 hours, but when it started to let up, I looked at the clock, because it felt like it lasted for like 6 hours. I am now feeling almost normal. I was so, so, so scared. I can't remember feeling this scared before. I literally thought I was going to die. And I don't say that lightly. I mean literally. I feel a little weird now, but not at ALL like I did. Just really fragile and a little scared right now. Ugh... I hope I never ever have something like that happen again, and I'm swearing off caffeine now. I don't even need it anyway. A glass of water usually does the trick.

Bebetter, Yikes! Yeah, I'd say stay away from that chai! I'm glad you're feeling better. That must have been a really scary experience.

I hope everyone is doing well. It seems like it has been so quiet on here lately.

Everything is going fine here. I haven't been going on my morning walks lately because it's so hot, plus my foot has been hurting a lot. It makes me sad because that was my "zen" moment. Baby was quiet and I was able to reflect on a lot of things. I can't wait until it starts cooling down a little. Hubby and I had a bit of a disagreement today, and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to respond to it. Baby woke up from his afternoon nap and was fussy. He has been doing that off and on for the past couple of weeks. I just chalked it up to a little baby tantrum as a result of who knows what. The way I was dealing with it was to first try to meet his needs and if he was still upset after eating/ diaper change/ cup of milk/ etc. I'd just speak to him quietly and try to get his mind off of it. Well, today hubby got him out of his crib and he also tried to meet his needs but when he was still fussy his solution was to put him back in his crib. He said that baby needs to learn that if he's still going to cry he's going to have to go back to his crib. I didn't say anything, I just took baby and told him I'd try to see if I could get him to eat something and then I'd take him for a drive. Hubby didn't like that idea. He mentioned something about how baby will never learn. We've had a similar disagreement like this in the past and the result was very very very ugly. HUGE fight. On retrospect I think I was a little disrespectful toward him because I more or less told him I was right and he was wrong. I'm starting to realize that 1) my hubby may indeed be a sheep in wolf's clothing and 2) I'm afraid of him and as a result I often try desperately to avoid conflict so I don't always communicate well with him and 3) sometimes I'm ignorantly insensitive to his feelings and inadvertently put him down. So... I'm just not sure how to deal with this conflict. In my opinion, putting baby back in his crib as a punishment would backfire because then he'd hate his crib even more than he already does, plus I don't think he's old enough to understand that he's being punished for crying by being put back in his crib AND I don't think that his crying should even BE punished. He can't even make his needs known yet. He hasn't learned how to talk. I don't think he's throwing a fit just to **** mom and dad off. I think there's something he needs and/ or he doesn't know how to control his emotions yet. What do you all think? Any suggestions? I see this issue coming up in the future and I don't want it to end in another fight. I think he's an excellent father, but I don't think this particular idea is going to work out very well.

Evening mommies-

I'm home relaxing in the couch with a signs asleep baby. Yea! I saw this and thought immediately of sharing with all of you: 20/20's Elizabeth Vargas Checks into Rehab for Alcohol Problem

It goes to show this struggle is everywhere and it's encouraging to see people, women no less talking about it and getting help.

Big hugs to all of you.

Hi moms...

Bebetter...that tea experience sounds frightening!!!! Glad it calmed down, and yeah....toss out those exotic tea blends. Yikes!

Lulu...how old is your little guy? If he isn't talking yet, I assume still a baby under 1? Generally babies at that age don't cry unless there is a reason. Maybe teeth coming in? I agree...punishing for crying at this age isn't going to help, and would likely backfire in you as you suggested.

Well I have been so very busy. Work has picked up, and end of summer activities have me running:-).

Tomorrow I have a business lunch with colleagues I haven't dined out with yet, and hoping they do not drink. In work lunches past, I would always strategize so that I could order last in the hopes that someone else would be brave enough to order a drink so I could jump on that bandwagon and not look like a "alky" being the only one drinking. Will be nice not dealing with that stress:-)

Lulu - you are right on this one. Babies aren't trying to manipulate for their own gain. They just miss you, want you, want to eat, want a diaper change, want... something. And that's normal! My daughter is now 29 months, and it's only been since she turned 2 that I have any handle on disciplining her. They can't be disciplined much earlier - they just don't get it or make the connections. I do very short time outs (and time out means that she is just sitting somewhere close by - not banned to a bedroom or something), and she gets that. If she hits her sister, she gets time out until she feels she can say "I'm sorry." (which she actually can't say, but she will approach her sister with an "I'm sorry" face and give some kind of random vocals.) At your baby's age, it's all about cuddling. It's all about security, and I believe (and research backs this up) that babies who feel more secure, become more secure as they grow older. They don't become less secure or more manipulative if you cuddle and attend to their needs - they become more secure, because they can handle the new things coming at them in the world better.

Lulu, I agree with the other ladies. That's one of the things I love about kids under 2....there's is no disciplining...it's all about redirection, love, and meeting needs. That doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want, however, finding the route of the issue or "changing" the subject to get the behavior you want works way better than punishment, IMO. Perhaps your husband feels like he can't fix the issue or that there should be a direct solution. I can imagine that he could be frustrated and just putting your baby back in the crib as his only solution right now. I think that parenting is super hard, but it's really super hard when mom and dad have different ways of handling a situation. Could you have this conversation in general terms at a time when it's not happening. You both would be more receptive to coming up with an action plan. I thought about the book The 5 Love Languages when I was reading your post. I haven't read the book yet, however, I listened to the author on a radio show. The concept sounds brilliant to me, and could help any marriage.

BeBetter, That sounds horrible. Do you think there was something in the tea or was it all the caffeine? I once took Miralax (DR recommended) and I had an awful reaction. I had waves of horrible chest pains, like a gall bladder attack if you've ever had that. I was stretched out on the bed (naked) and groaning/wiggling in pain for hours. I truly thought I would die. Your post reminded me of that. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, toss those leaves in the trash.

Dolly, I know exactly what you mean by hoping other would order wine so I could. It does feel nice to be free of that.

I'm doing well...63 days. I don't think about drinking so much these days. However, I still struggle with social events. We are making plans to go to dinner with some friends and my first thought is always how the wine thing will feel. I also can't imagine cruising
without alcohol. That vacation isn't until summer of 2016 so I have plenty of time to get "normal". I read about people who are sober a long while and they get true enjoyment from life...I hope that is true.

Bebetter- So sorry about the chai!! So scary! I once had green tea and I thought I was going to pass out. My hubby was out of town so I literally called a neighbor. I sat on the couch for hours. Luckily the kids were at school. I love the chai at the super market that looks like milk. I guess we all need to be careful all drinks!!

Can you believe we still have not heard from the court??? It's been since July 9th. I'm beginning to think nothings going to happen? Still it's in the back of my mind.

Hubby has been home from rehab the last 2 weeks. It's like I'm in a dream. Our love has come back in every way. He's so level headed, loving and is going to meetings daily and has a sponsor. When he walked in the door for the first time my jaw dropped. He was so beautiful. His eyes so blue and clear. He was the person I fell in love with.

For today I'm so happy alcohol is out of our lives!

Happy Wednesday:-)

Hi ladies,

21Reeves congratulations on 63 days! Isn't it awesome when you start to see big numbers like that? "I read about people who are sober a long while and they get true enjoyment from life...I hope that is true.". I don't know if I qualify as being sober for a long while, but I can say that I really feel like I get true enjoyment out of life now. When it comes to recreational things like camping or going to the beach I do still get some cravings but then I realize that I can just ENJOY myself and not have to worry about drinking too much or not getting enough to drink. I used to get so frustrated because unless everyone around me was getting absolutely blitzed, I had a very hard time getting a good buzz or maintaining a buzz. I felt like I was in chains with alcohol. My fun depended on whether or not there was alcohol there. Now I TRULY get excited for things. I look forward to hearing the waves crash on the beach or smelling the trees while camping. I'm actually present for things now. I remember one thing that used to make me feel bad during my alcoholism was that I didn't get excited for things anymore. While I was busy numbing myself to other emotions I numbed my ability to experience joy as well.

Speaking of joy. I had a really great day yesterday. Nothing extraordinary happened, but it was good. I took my baby to the babysitter and I cleaned the house. I was able to relax for a little while. I took some time to put on my make up (yes I'm wearing make up again) and pick out a cute new outfit I bought for myself. Then me and baby went to the grocery store, came home and played for a while. I just felt good all day. I felt happy. When my husband got home he said "Wow honey! You look really pretty! What did you do?". I didn't think I had done much different other than I just dressed myself up the way I thought I looked pretty. In other words, I did it for ME. Later he mentioned something about how I got dressed up for him and I had to tell him that I got dressed up for me, not him lol.
Then today I continued to feel good and I started thinking about how far I've come since I quit drinking, and how I felt back to "myself" again. The way I felt BEFORE I started drinking heavily. (See, I was pretty happy before my alcoholism and during my alcoholism I missed that a lot). Then I thought "No, you were still you during your alcoholism. That was YOU". I realized that it's not like I'm 2 different people. It's not like there's the alcoholic Lulu and the sober Lulu. We're one in the same. Deep seated parts of me and my beliefs lead me to drink alcoholicly. The "old" Lulu, in all her happiness, picked up the bottles of alcohol and decided to drink them. I have the capability of going back into alcoholism. I have the capability of wallowing in myself and my grief. I have the capability of victimizing myself, blaming others, and judging myself. I have the capability to let go of myself and abuse myself. And for once in a very very very long time I can accept that because I have also shown that I have the capability to love, to respect others, to respect myself, to FORGIVE, to listen, to empathize, and to experience joy. And it's all MY choice. Hardly anything changed externally for me before, during, and after my alcoholism. Good things happened and bad things happened throughout the whole experience. Today I'm choosing to experience life with tolerance, patience, forgiveness, confidence, love, and joy instead of with alcohol.
So, I feel pretty good today. I realize that I'm not going to feel fabulous every day, which is fine, but I still have a choice in how I'll deal with those days. Just because I feel crappy on the inside doesn't mean I have to put a bottle of wine to my lips or to wallow in it either.

Lulu - I am SOO happy to read your post today! You sound like you are doing amazing, and feeling amazing! You are so right that being sober allows us to grow - to be free to change on progress in life. IT sounds like having a sitter is doing great things for your head, too.

Oop - hit enter twice and it posted...

Wanted to say also that I'm FINALLY feeling normal myself, today. I had weird anxiety the past 2 days after that attack on Monday, and I woke up today in grateful relief that it is gone. It was scaring me that my panic disorder had returned after a decade of being without it. My BIL and SIL and the kids are coming for an overnight, and I thought about getting a bottle of wine for them because they are fancy wine drinkers - no craving for me, but then decided not to, because this is my house, and if they want wine, they can bring it. I don't think I need to be responsible for buying alcohol for other people. I bet no one will even care if there is no wine, so why bother?

I am just feeling really thankful for being back to my normal self. Really, really grateful for my health.

Hi ladies!

Hope you are all doing well. Quick question - any ideas on what to get your hubby for 5 year anniversary? We recently got new bedroom and living room furniture, which was kind of supposed to be our anniversary gift, but I have a feeling he is still getting me something. Any ideas on something small, yet meaningful?

Hi moms..

How is everyone? Lulu and Lucy...glad to hear you are both doing so well, and Lucy...glad your hubby is doing well too!!

Bebetter..so glad you are feeling better again. That anxiety stinks!

Lady... I am so out of practice when it comes to gift giving for the hubster. We were broke for so long (thanks to my drinking problem) that we haven't done gifts for any occasion in 5-7 years! Now that we have a little more money, trying to get back in the swing of decent gift giving. Lol...all the things that popped into my head as ideas...socks, underwear...very unromantic:-)

Wish I could be more helpful:-). How are you feeling by the way? Are you really blooming yet with your belly? Hope you are feeling well!

Well, it's time for this gal to finish her tea and get some shut eye...grocery shopping at 7:00 when the stores open their doors...only way to avoid the crazed masses!

Thanks, Dolly :) I'm sure I'll figure something out. We're going out for a nice dinner so looking forward to a night alone. That and a nice card may just have to do. Was thinking about getting something sexy from VS, but not feeling very sexy at 6 months pregnant ;)

Thanks for asking about me and the pregnancy. I'm feeling good, but definitely getting bigger and more uncomfortable by the day. Won't be long now. Hubby and I spent all day yesterday cleaning out our basement and going through totes of baby clothes and toys. My daughter had fun looking through her old baby clothes, etc. It is definitely going to be easier having another girl:)

Is your daughter excited to go back to school? What grade will she be in?

Hope everyone is doing well!

Happy Sunday morning all!

Lady...it's so cute how excited your daughter was looking through her old clothes...I'm sure she feels like an important bug sister passing her stuff on:-)

My daughter is going into the second grade...school for her doesn't start back up til the Wednesday after Labor Day, so another week and a half!

Went grocery shopping early today. Our regional chain has been under a strike/customer boycott for 5 weeks now, so the other chains we have been forced to shop at have been mobbed! Hoping the end is near...resolution is almost official, and hoping to have our store back by next weekend.

Well off to church...chat later.

Today is my daughter's 1st day of Kindergarten. She hopped on the bus with her little friends with no hug or kiss and didn't look back! I was a little sad about that, but so, so relieved that it was not a clinging, crying separation. I'm so proud of her!

Lady - I have no ideas for you... we don't do a lot of gift giving, and when we do, it's usually really practical stuff that we already need. Our house is so small that we don't really like to accumulate stuff, I suppose.

I'm ready to get back to the gym and get my health back in order. Dragging a bit today mentally, but I'll go and see what I can do!

Thanks, BeBetter. I think hubby may have actually stuck to our deal of new furniture being our anniversary gift so I'm not going to worry about it.

You sound really strong about your daughter starting K. I start crying just thinking about it, but we still have another year before it happens so maybe by then I will be ready? That's great your daughter got on the bus without any hesitation/emotion. That means she is ready and I'm sure that makes it easier for you :) Does your school district do half days? Hope you have a nice workout!

Lady - we do full day kindergarten, which makes for a long day for a 5 year old, IMO... she LOVED it yesterday, but the early mornings are going to take some getting used to for all of us. She goes to the bus stop at 7:15 and the bus drops her off in the afternoon at 2:45.

Wow, BeBetter, that is a long day for a 5 year old. Glad she had a fun first day! Just think now miserable you would be if you had to do these early mornings with a hangover?! I keep remembering things like that when my AV starts chattering. I used to HATE mornings, but now I love them :)

I need to go back to the gym when my daughter starts school in a couple of weeks. I've gained 24 lbs so far with this pregnancy and I am only in my 6th month. I really don't want to gain 50 lbs again, like I did with my daughter. The ice cream cravings aren't helping either ;)

Hope everyone is doing well. Been very quiet here lately? :(