Moms and Mums Club Part 11
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 369
Good Morning Mamas.....
It's Friday! Thank God! I need it!
Last night I drank one of the juices (I juice fruits and veggies almost daily) I had left over from a few days ago. Big Mistake. I was up throwing up most of the night. I finally got to bed about 2:00 am but was achy and tense all night. I have been really shaken all day.... So, the juice had beets in and beets are red. Anyway, coming back up it was all too familiar from the many times I'd vomit from too much red wine. I haven't thrown up since my last very drunken night and so many thoughts came rushing back and I've been on the verge of tears all day. Maybe I'm just tired? But I'm an open wound right now. All of the things I've done, the dangerous situations I got myself into, the lies, the drama, the people I hurt, the danger I put my daughter in. It all came back and has buckled me. I don't know what else to do other than sit with all of these emotions and wait for them to pass. I just keep thinking of my daughter's face and how I could ever put her in danger or my family in danger. God, you think everything is moving along so smoothly and something will just buckle you....
Today alcohol is not a part of my life and I'm so, so thankful.
XO
Babs
It's Friday! Thank God! I need it!
Last night I drank one of the juices (I juice fruits and veggies almost daily) I had left over from a few days ago. Big Mistake. I was up throwing up most of the night. I finally got to bed about 2:00 am but was achy and tense all night. I have been really shaken all day.... So, the juice had beets in and beets are red. Anyway, coming back up it was all too familiar from the many times I'd vomit from too much red wine. I haven't thrown up since my last very drunken night and so many thoughts came rushing back and I've been on the verge of tears all day. Maybe I'm just tired? But I'm an open wound right now. All of the things I've done, the dangerous situations I got myself into, the lies, the drama, the people I hurt, the danger I put my daughter in. It all came back and has buckled me. I don't know what else to do other than sit with all of these emotions and wait for them to pass. I just keep thinking of my daughter's face and how I could ever put her in danger or my family in danger. God, you think everything is moving along so smoothly and something will just buckle you....
Today alcohol is not a part of my life and I'm so, so thankful.
XO
Babs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 316
Bebetter- I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby boy. What heart break. I had 2 co workers and good friends give birth to babies still born 3 days apart. Luckily they too have given birth to healthy babies since. But you never get over it. Good for you not to drink your pain away. I'm so sorry for your sadness and sorrow!
Babs-I'm sorry you got so sick! Throwing up is the worst but especially after a hang over!!! I'm so glad we are all over that....feel better:-)
My kids and I are driving home in terrible traffic in Mt Shasta. We were making such good time. I can't wait to be home to see my animals.
Happy Friday!!!
Babs-I'm sorry you got so sick! Throwing up is the worst but especially after a hang over!!! I'm so glad we are all over that....feel better:-)
My kids and I are driving home in terrible traffic in Mt Shasta. We were making such good time. I can't wait to be home to see my animals.
Happy Friday!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
Hi ladies,
Aw Bebetter...so sorry for your heartbreak:-(. I too remember laying on a cold table while the ultrasound quietly took her images before calling in the doctor who so casually said.."well that doesn't look good" as I lay there crying. It's been 12 years and I still wish I could go back in time to kick him in the balls! That was Valentines Day, and that pain still rears it's ugly head sometimes. I also delivered, and I still can't talk about it for too long without crying.
My alcoholic drinking/coping began after that,
I wish I could come give you a hug, but will send a virtual hug anyway.
Babs...ugh, the red vomiting,,,yeah, that was a regular occurrence for me too. Every once in a while I am reminded of my poor decisions and how I put my daughter at risk too. You get further away from that with each sober breath, and I know that some day we will all be able to get to a point where we no longer let that guilt shadow us. I live for that now, and it's what keeps me going:-)
How are all you other lovely ladies?
Happy it's Friday, and looking forward to sleeping in a little:-)
Aw Bebetter...so sorry for your heartbreak:-(. I too remember laying on a cold table while the ultrasound quietly took her images before calling in the doctor who so casually said.."well that doesn't look good" as I lay there crying. It's been 12 years and I still wish I could go back in time to kick him in the balls! That was Valentines Day, and that pain still rears it's ugly head sometimes. I also delivered, and I still can't talk about it for too long without crying.
My alcoholic drinking/coping began after that,
I wish I could come give you a hug, but will send a virtual hug anyway.
Babs...ugh, the red vomiting,,,yeah, that was a regular occurrence for me too. Every once in a while I am reminded of my poor decisions and how I put my daughter at risk too. You get further away from that with each sober breath, and I know that some day we will all be able to get to a point where we no longer let that guilt shadow us. I live for that now, and it's what keeps me going:-)
How are all you other lovely ladies?
Happy it's Friday, and looking forward to sleeping in a little:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone. We visited the rose garden where my son's ashes were laid, and I made an ice cream cake for his birthday. It was a sad day, as it always is. I'm defined in a lot of ways by his death - even as much as I define myself as a mother, I define myself equally as a baby-loss-mother. But it's not like I live in the grief... it just shows up strong around this time of year. My husband had his bloodwork done and will get results on Monday. My brother and his wife and kids are coming to stay over tomorrow night. I hope it is fun for them... I'm usually up until the wee hours drinking with them and doing/saying stupid things. They are very well aware and supportive of me not drinking, but I just hope it's not a weird night, you know?
Babs - Ugh... I am so sorry for you. There are days I don't sleep enough because one of the girls is up all night, and the next day, I feel hungover - the dehydration, headaches, stomach upset... and it takes me back to those days too, and I hate it. It's always a good reminder of how much I don't ever want to be there again, though. It sounds awful to be puking up juice until 2am! I hope tomorrow finds you in a better place. The end of your post really reminded me of all the dangerous things I did with my girls, and how careless I was with the two people I love more than anything else in the world. It's a slippery slope towards letting the addiction take more headspace than your own children do...
I practically shiver every time I think of the nights I breastfed my youngest after having WAY too much to drink. She's totally fine, but I was stupid and selfish. And I'm ashamed of it. And all the nights I got upset when one or both of them wouldn't go to sleep because it was cutting into my beer time. Really? It's amazing now, when they won't sleep, and my patience is so much greater, because there's nothing else nagging at me to take my attention away from the present time of being with them.
Babs - Ugh... I am so sorry for you. There are days I don't sleep enough because one of the girls is up all night, and the next day, I feel hungover - the dehydration, headaches, stomach upset... and it takes me back to those days too, and I hate it. It's always a good reminder of how much I don't ever want to be there again, though. It sounds awful to be puking up juice until 2am! I hope tomorrow finds you in a better place. The end of your post really reminded me of all the dangerous things I did with my girls, and how careless I was with the two people I love more than anything else in the world. It's a slippery slope towards letting the addiction take more headspace than your own children do...
I practically shiver every time I think of the nights I breastfed my youngest after having WAY too much to drink. She's totally fine, but I was stupid and selfish. And I'm ashamed of it. And all the nights I got upset when one or both of them wouldn't go to sleep because it was cutting into my beer time. Really? It's amazing now, when they won't sleep, and my patience is so much greater, because there's nothing else nagging at me to take my attention away from the present time of being with them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ma
Posts: 46
Babs- That must have been awful. Sometimes it's really a good thing to get a reminder like that. But I know the feeling of being shaky and on the verge of tears after the fact. Hopefully, once you get some rest you will feel better.
I have been struggling with the idea of going to meetings. AA in my area is also like someone else mentioned (sorry, I can't remember who), lots of older men and it doesn't seem to be a good fit for me. As I mentioned before, I've substituted wine for ice cream and other junk. Which on the surface doesn't seem horrible, but I noticed the other night I had the same feelings with my kids I used to get at bedtime when I wanted to them to just go to bed so I could sit and start/continue without hiding my self medicating. I didn't have ice cream with the family after dinner, I decided to save it for later. So it was time for bed and they were delaying and taking their sweet time and all those agitated, angry, less than patient feelings bubbled up. The feelings shocked and scared me. How could something so benign have that influence on me? I realized that addiction is addiction. I can take away the vise I am using at that time, however, it doesn't take away the reason I drank or binged to begin with. So... I'm toying with the idea of attending overeaters anonymous. From what I've read, that program follows the same steps as AA. But I am ashamed to admit that I am embarrassed to walk through the door. I had myself prepared to go on Thursday, but I backed out. I have done plenty of individual therapy, however, it was generalized. We do have addiction therapists in my area, but they are really backed up and have a long waiting list.
I have been struggling with the idea of going to meetings. AA in my area is also like someone else mentioned (sorry, I can't remember who), lots of older men and it doesn't seem to be a good fit for me. As I mentioned before, I've substituted wine for ice cream and other junk. Which on the surface doesn't seem horrible, but I noticed the other night I had the same feelings with my kids I used to get at bedtime when I wanted to them to just go to bed so I could sit and start/continue without hiding my self medicating. I didn't have ice cream with the family after dinner, I decided to save it for later. So it was time for bed and they were delaying and taking their sweet time and all those agitated, angry, less than patient feelings bubbled up. The feelings shocked and scared me. How could something so benign have that influence on me? I realized that addiction is addiction. I can take away the vise I am using at that time, however, it doesn't take away the reason I drank or binged to begin with. So... I'm toying with the idea of attending overeaters anonymous. From what I've read, that program follows the same steps as AA. But I am ashamed to admit that I am embarrassed to walk through the door. I had myself prepared to go on Thursday, but I backed out. I have done plenty of individual therapy, however, it was generalized. We do have addiction therapists in my area, but they are really backed up and have a long waiting list.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hi ladies,
Bebetter, you've been so strong through all of this. I can't imagine what you ladies had to go through. My heart goes out to you.
Babs, the first time I threw up after I quit drinking was really awful for me too. And I still have some pretty awful memories that I have to deal with in regards to things I did while drinking too. But, I've come to realize that those really nasty memories can also be my salvation. Even though they are awful, I hang on to them because I'm afraid that the day I forget how awful it got will be the day I think it might be ok to drink again.
There's something that has been bothering me a little. It's so ridiculous. It's a Facebook thing. So, I've been trying to not take things personally but this is bothering me for some other reason I think. I used to go to AA with these 2 ladies, mother and daughter, and I befriended them on Facebook a while ago. I talked to the mother every once in a while through text and we got along really well. When I saw the daughter at the meetings she was always very friendly. Well, one day I noticed that the mother unfriended me on Facebook. I thought it was a bit odd. I saw she put something on her wall about how she doesn't have time for people that are self absorbed so if you don't hear from her then "reality check!". Now, it probably didn't have anything to do with me, but being the sensitive person that I am I can't help but wonder if it was. Then, all of a sudden her daughter starts posting all this stuff about sitting on the porch with a beer or drinking a glass of wine, etc. I was thinking "wait... why was she in AA?". Then I thought maybe she had a narcotic problem and she was really in NA (there were people in NA that would attend our AA meetings). I knew her mother had a drug problem so maybe she just had a drug problem, not an alcohol problem... but I thought you didn't drink in NA either... Well, I finally put her posts on ignore because every single day she would post something about having a glass of wine or a beer. It started to kind of irritate me. Like, OK we get it, you drink wine every single night. Almost like she's throwing it in everyone's faces that "HEY I'M DRINKING AGAIN!!!!" Anyway, who knows what's going on in their lives. I have no idea why her mom unfriended me. If it's because she thinks I'm self absorbed then so be it. Sounds like they're both really following the steps of AA/NA.
I just wanted to vent a little. At the end of the day it's absolutely none of my business.
Bebetter, you've been so strong through all of this. I can't imagine what you ladies had to go through. My heart goes out to you.
Babs, the first time I threw up after I quit drinking was really awful for me too. And I still have some pretty awful memories that I have to deal with in regards to things I did while drinking too. But, I've come to realize that those really nasty memories can also be my salvation. Even though they are awful, I hang on to them because I'm afraid that the day I forget how awful it got will be the day I think it might be ok to drink again.
There's something that has been bothering me a little. It's so ridiculous. It's a Facebook thing. So, I've been trying to not take things personally but this is bothering me for some other reason I think. I used to go to AA with these 2 ladies, mother and daughter, and I befriended them on Facebook a while ago. I talked to the mother every once in a while through text and we got along really well. When I saw the daughter at the meetings she was always very friendly. Well, one day I noticed that the mother unfriended me on Facebook. I thought it was a bit odd. I saw she put something on her wall about how she doesn't have time for people that are self absorbed so if you don't hear from her then "reality check!". Now, it probably didn't have anything to do with me, but being the sensitive person that I am I can't help but wonder if it was. Then, all of a sudden her daughter starts posting all this stuff about sitting on the porch with a beer or drinking a glass of wine, etc. I was thinking "wait... why was she in AA?". Then I thought maybe she had a narcotic problem and she was really in NA (there were people in NA that would attend our AA meetings). I knew her mother had a drug problem so maybe she just had a drug problem, not an alcohol problem... but I thought you didn't drink in NA either... Well, I finally put her posts on ignore because every single day she would post something about having a glass of wine or a beer. It started to kind of irritate me. Like, OK we get it, you drink wine every single night. Almost like she's throwing it in everyone's faces that "HEY I'M DRINKING AGAIN!!!!" Anyway, who knows what's going on in their lives. I have no idea why her mom unfriended me. If it's because she thinks I'm self absorbed then so be it. Sounds like they're both really following the steps of AA/NA.
I just wanted to vent a little. At the end of the day it's absolutely none of my business.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 316
Lulu-That would bug me too. I do not think you are being too sensitive. But maybe they both relapsed and she didn't want the reminder of AA on her Facebook. Facebook is such a strange thing anyway. It could be pure jealousy. I sometimes get jealous!!! Especially of couples photos. Also when I relapsed I wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone in AA, including my neighbor. That might be it. It just made me feel worse about the choices I was making. I'm sensitive too and it's okay. I love animals, and the earth and I take things to heart too. The key is to find your balance. Xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
You're right Lucy, I thought about that too. But she was still friends with a lot of other people who we went to AA with. Thinking back on it it's really ridiculous and this is just a prime example of why I'm trying not to take things personally and I'm working on some of my own insecurities. Who knows why she unfriended me. It could just be because I haven't been to a meetings in a long time. Maybe she deleted me on accident. Maybe she's sick of seeing the pictures I post of my baby all the time. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with ME and something that is going on with HER. Who knows!
But her daughter posting things about alcohol all the time bothered me because I just don't like having to hear about people drinking all the time. It's one thing for someone to occasionally post something about having a drink, but to do it almost every night is too much for this alcoholic. Plus, it doesn't help that I went to AA with her. Of course I don't frown upon someone having a slip. I've certainly had my fair share of slips! But it's hard to see someone who allegedly had the same problem as me having a grand ol' time cooking up some Italian and drinkin' a glass of wine or having a few because they deserve it after a hard day of work.
But her daughter posting things about alcohol all the time bothered me because I just don't like having to hear about people drinking all the time. It's one thing for someone to occasionally post something about having a drink, but to do it almost every night is too much for this alcoholic. Plus, it doesn't help that I went to AA with her. Of course I don't frown upon someone having a slip. I've certainly had my fair share of slips! But it's hard to see someone who allegedly had the same problem as me having a grand ol' time cooking up some Italian and drinkin' a glass of wine or having a few because they deserve it after a hard day of work.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 316
Lulu-you can't be loved by everyone. If you don't have an enemy you really haven't lived! But I'm sure it had NOTHING to do with you. I hit buttons all the time by mistake. You could always ask her if it keeps bugging you.
It's amazing how you can just pick out all the alcoholics on Facebook. They are the people who constantly post photos of drinks or anything drink related. It irritates me too. But I now just feel sorry for them because it's a progressive disease and it's only going to get worse. I see the red puffy faces like mine used to be.
This lady was in line at the grocery store. She had so much wine and vodka. She was an older wealthy lady. You could just see the alcohol in her blood. Can any of you see that too?
But we each have our own struggles and time frames to get healthy and some of us just don't and die of alcohol poisoning.
My husband said his rehab showed them a video of all the people who have left that rehab and died. It was staggering. He didn't think it was very reassuring but it's reality. Addiction is a killer.
Stay healthy and clean ladies! Let's live this life for real!!!
It's amazing how you can just pick out all the alcoholics on Facebook. They are the people who constantly post photos of drinks or anything drink related. It irritates me too. But I now just feel sorry for them because it's a progressive disease and it's only going to get worse. I see the red puffy faces like mine used to be.
This lady was in line at the grocery store. She had so much wine and vodka. She was an older wealthy lady. You could just see the alcohol in her blood. Can any of you see that too?
But we each have our own struggles and time frames to get healthy and some of us just don't and die of alcohol poisoning.
My husband said his rehab showed them a video of all the people who have left that rehab and died. It was staggering. He didn't think it was very reassuring but it's reality. Addiction is a killer.
Stay healthy and clean ladies! Let's live this life for real!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ma
Posts: 46
Lucy-Congrats on the 20lbs. This week I started drinking green smoothies. I love them. I actually feel myself craving them, in a good way. I have had a slight headache, which I guess is normal when you first start adding that much spinach or kale type green leaves to your diet. That's shocking though, it's a form of detox.
I never realized that I had that alcohol swelling in my face. My husband commented on that being gone when I was maybe 3 weeks sober. I can certainly now see it in other people. Also, many of the actions I never realized were alcohol addiction related I see now in other people. I wonder if everyone can see those signs or is it just people who have been addicted and now are sober?
I never realized that I had that alcohol swelling in my face. My husband commented on that being gone when I was maybe 3 weeks sober. I can certainly now see it in other people. Also, many of the actions I never realized were alcohol addiction related I see now in other people. I wonder if everyone can see those signs or is it just people who have been addicted and now are sober?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 316
21reeves- please give me your recipe for smoothies!!! If I have fruit ones I feel like I'm still just eating sugar. That sounds amazing and healthy to put kale in. It's supposed to help with weight loss.
It's finally a cool day here this morning. So lovely to feel a cool breeze throughout the house and some cloud cover.
Happy Sunday!!!
It's finally a cool day here this morning. So lovely to feel a cool breeze throughout the house and some cloud cover.
Happy Sunday!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ma
Posts: 46
I got all of my smoothie knowledge and recipes from Simple Green Smoothies - Drink your veggies and feel incredible!. It's a beautiful website. Enjoy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
O.M.G. Dolly. Beautiful. I could eat 3. We made s'mores last night, and I thought I was all Martha Stewart for making homemade graham crackers! Your whoopee pies are gorgeous and I'm sure taste even better than they look.
About FB winos... I always assumed people who posted pics of drinks on FB were perfectly healthy drinkers, because I NEVER would have done it - let people in on my dirty little secret. But now, after having convos IRL, I've learned it's a mixed bag. Some healthy drinkers, some who abuse.
About FB winos... I always assumed people who posted pics of drinks on FB were perfectly healthy drinkers, because I NEVER would have done it - let people in on my dirty little secret. But now, after having convos IRL, I've learned it's a mixed bag. Some healthy drinkers, some who abuse.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 316
Bebetter- I always thought I was cool when I drank so I have loads of photos with my big beers!! I'm small and I could drink good beer with the guys. That's my only reluctance to my sobriety, is feeling not cool!!
Worrying about people not wanting to invite me places because I'm not drinking along with them. I've found that other people seem uncomfortable drinking around me when I'm not. I never say anything but it can be awkward.
Worrying about people not wanting to invite me places because I'm not drinking along with them. I've found that other people seem uncomfortable drinking around me when I'm not. I never say anything but it can be awkward.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ma
Posts: 46
Lucy- I feel the same way. There have been a few times I've thought about inviting someone to something and then backed out because I figured they won't think I'm as much fun or they won't have as much fun if I'm not drinking wine. Sad!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
I never really thought about that - that I haven't organized a girls' night since getting sober... I've been to a few, and no one seems weird about me not drinking (especially a year out...)
My brother's family came to visit, and really, only my brother was drinking enough to notice. My SIL says in the past few months, she's stopped drinking almost everything but tequila because it makes her sick the next day - even just 2 or 3 glasses, so she just sipped one shot of tequila after drinking boatloads of water. We all still stayed up ungodly late chatting, and had a great time!
My brother's family came to visit, and really, only my brother was drinking enough to notice. My SIL says in the past few months, she's stopped drinking almost everything but tequila because it makes her sick the next day - even just 2 or 3 glasses, so she just sipped one shot of tequila after drinking boatloads of water. We all still stayed up ungodly late chatting, and had a great time!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Nazareth, PA
Posts: 453
My husband has had a migraine for 3 days in a row. Well, today was more of the hangover, rather than a full-blown migraine. It's been awful... I get super stressed when he's sick, and I was a bear to the kids. Lots of mini-cravings. Tomorrow is a new day, right? I'm going to be sure to get to the gym, as that helps my mood a ton, and I skipped the last 2 days.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
Hi all...
Bebetter...I'm sorry hubby is not feeling well. One of my triggers for wanting to drink is when my daughter gets sick. It's not as bad, but anytime she is sick I don't sleep, and I always think if I could just have some brandy I would relax a little.
If course the opposite is true. I used to drink to cope with the fear that something would happen to my daughter, and the booze which used to help me relax became the thing that made me the most anxious.
Not much going on here. Busy day at work, then some candy crush to unwind with my tea:-)
Hope all is well.
Bebetter...I'm sorry hubby is not feeling well. One of my triggers for wanting to drink is when my daughter gets sick. It's not as bad, but anytime she is sick I don't sleep, and I always think if I could just have some brandy I would relax a little.
If course the opposite is true. I used to drink to cope with the fear that something would happen to my daughter, and the booze which used to help me relax became the thing that made me the most anxious.
Not much going on here. Busy day at work, then some candy crush to unwind with my tea:-)
Hope all is well.
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