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Moms and Mums Club Part 11

Old 01-23-2015, 05:36 PM
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Hi all....

Very quiet here...hope everyone is doing okay.

I am okay. I have been wrestling with something for a while and I think I need to get it off my chest. I'm afraid I don't love my husband anymore:-( At least not in the way I should..,in the romantic sense.
I feel since I have been sober, I have changed so much, I feel a distance from him I can't explain. This makes me so sad because he is a wonderful husband and father.

The thing is...I absolutely wouldn't want to separate though....I don't want to do that to my daughter. I was very young when my parents divorced, and it was terrible and confusing...don't want that for her.

I do love him...and feel terrible for how I am feeling. I wish I could just bring our relationship back to where it was, but not sure that I can. I was always a drinker...from the time we started dating up until I got sober last year. It's just different now, and don't know how to fix it.

I won't drink...sure about that, but just wish things were different. I feel the poor guy put up with the boozer me for years, and now that I am sober, he should be enjoying the best of me, but he us still getting the shafts somehow.

Maybe I need to think about therapy...oh I don't know. Well....that's my bomb she'll for the night. Have to tuck my little girl in now. Back soon.
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Old 01-26-2015, 08:58 AM
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Hello Moms....

It's been awhile since I checked in. I hope everyone is okay. It's quiet here.

Dolly, I think as we get sober, a lot of the relationships around us change. They changed when we were drinking, it's just we weren't as checked in as we should have been to notice and perhaps it happens so slowly over time, those who love us don't see it either? I would definitely recommend therapy, for you or both. Therapists, the good ones, provide such a great resource and helpful sounding board to get out of your own head. I still see mine on a maintenance basis but I know I could go back to seeing her weekly if things get overwhelming and I give myself room to do that.

Today is ONE YEAR SOBER for me. It actually snuck up on me. I knew it was sometime this week but my 'sober tracker' let me know this morning. 'You've been sober for 1 year today.' Wow. I feel numb in a way. Everyday, I know I won't drink and that's it. Now when I go out, I really don't think about it. I get my non-alcoholic beer and I'm just fine. There are still those thoughts that haunt me in the middle of the night, 'what if I'd been pulled over?!' 'I was so drunk at that party, I can't believe I said that!!' 'People must have known how sloppy I was!' 'I'm one glass of wine from making a total fool of myself.' That's how close I think it is to me, one glass of wine to it all going back to how it was but the weirdest thing is, I still don't want to say I'm done drinking forever. That just doesn't work for me. I know I won't drink. I know how bad drinking can effect my life. I don't feel like I'm missing anything anymore. But do I want to say I'll never drink again? Nope. That might be twisted but that's what has to happen in my brain to make this all jive.

The anxieties still come in waves, the anxieties that I used to numb with booze. Now, I say, out loud to those around me, no matter who it is, 'this whole thing is making me anxious.' 'I'm feeling overwhelmed by all this anticipation.' 'I think I'm going to get swallowed up by all this, I need a minute.'

We're still trying to get pregnant and we'll see what happens then. Pregnancy was the darkest time in my life, the last go round and those are the emotions, the changes I fear the most. How messed up is that? I worry about how I'll handle myself mostly when I'm pregnant, if I get pregnant.

Well, today is a happy day. I'm going to let myself be proud of me and this accomplishment. There is a point when the days start to add up, like a snowball.

Thank you to all of you. I truly love each and every one of you. It's amazing how much I have grown to count and rely on each of you.

XOXO

Babs
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Old 01-28-2015, 06:21 PM
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Hi all..

Hope everyone is good.

Babs...congrats on hitting one year!!!! That is so great...you have worked so hard, and have much to be proud of:-)

Big blizzard here the last few days, and that was always a prime opportunity to drink plenty of booze. Now it's a cooking marathon which is fun, but not good for the diets:-)
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Old 01-28-2015, 07:47 PM
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Babs congrats. Dolly., I feel you. This part of the journey (sobriety) has just begun for me. I'm scared to face my first social event without booze in hand. I'm also scared what will happen to my relationship with my hubby when he sees that I've truly changed. For so long, he has "taken care" of me, covered for me, whatever it was he did. I'm worried about going in different directions as well. I've been on my own spiritual path for some time now and although I've wanted to share it with him, have had to mostly go it alone. He listens,'doesn't mock, but is not an active participant. I'm certain his drinking will not change. It is not toxic, like mine, but it is also not in empathy with what I am faced with. Time will tell, but I feel you. I too have a loving, caring husband and father and can't imagine anyone else, but am worried about our connectedness
Hang in there all you moms and know I'm sending love to all.
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Old 01-29-2015, 09:16 AM
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Congratulations babs. Xx
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Old 01-29-2015, 05:23 PM
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Dolly!!! You've been on my mind today. Congrats on another month sober today! I am so sorry you are confronting such a difficult time - a difficult dilemma. I would guess there are deeper issues in your marriage that a therapist could really help you with, and if not as a couple, at least help you to see how the marriage really is. Like you said, you've been drinking the whole time, and maybe now that the rose colored glasses have come off, and even if he's a fantastic father and wonderful man, perhaps the passion was wrapped up in your drinking. The fact that he stood by you all these years when he was drinking says something about him, too... maybe he's too comfortable, or too much of a push-over - maybe it's hard for you to respect him for that, especially now that you have your sh!t more than together. Obviously I'm just throwing things out there, since I don't know you or him more than the chat we have going on here! I do think relationships can be saved in therapy. I don't believe in love at first sight or soul mates. I think we can make amazing connections from everyday relationships. My husband and I were headed to divorce 10 years ago, and did about 6 weeks of therapy, and a LOONNGG time of rehabilitation - lots of work on both our parts, and honestly, I can't imagine my relationship not having gone through that time. I think all relationships (in which people are being thoughtful) must come to points where people either choose to walk away or to solidify it. Therapy can help you determine where yours will go, I think.

Babs - HUGE Congrats on 1 year sober!! I love how many of us are hitting that mark. Your post about pregnancy being your darkest days is really forboding. Do you have a rough time being pregnant? Emotionally? Physically? Though my pregnancy outcomes are horrendous, I am lucky to be a very happy pregnant person. I wish I could bottle up pregnancy hormones and take them all the time.... It would be really hard, I think, to expect awful times for 9 months. I hope you conceive when the time is right and it goes well for you. And about the never drinking again - I'm the same way. I don't think like that - I don't think about never having a drink again. I don't plan on having a drink again, but laying an eternal line in the sand doesn't work for me. I'm too rebellious against myself, and would wear myself down over it.

Lady - how are you doing? You must be coming up on a year too, right?

AFM - My husband's mother's memorial service was 2 weeks ago. It went as well as it could. A few days after the service, I thought back on the reception part afterwards, and realized that I didn't once look at the wine wistfully, or wish for a cocktail. There was loads of top-shelf everything going around, and in retrospect, I'm pretty amazed that none of it even pulled me for a second. I used to think a drink helped in social situations, but it really hit home that I am just fine on my own. I kind of feel like I've arrived. Like I said before - I don't feel like an addict anymore. I feel like a non-drinker. Slowly, I've let more people know, as the timing is right, that I don't drink - as I meet new friends or whatever - and the response is always so.... understated. No one cares. It's nice.
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Old 01-30-2015, 04:21 PM
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Hello all! Hope all the moms are doing well tonight.
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Old 02-14-2015, 06:33 PM
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Wow...sure is quiet. Hope all the moms are doing well.

Not much going on here...buried beneath mountains of snow and are in the midst of yet another blizzard which won't end until tomorrow night with another foot if the white stuff promissed:-(

Had a few weak moments where I wished I still drank. I never really was afraid I would drink, but it's still unsettling to have those moments.

Anyway...hope to hear from you all soon:-)
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Old 02-21-2015, 05:07 AM
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Hi all,
VERY quiet here! We're heading to FL today to visit hubby's dad. Two years ago this weekend we went, and I got totally trashed with his dad the night before we flew home and we talked until 1am about god knows what. This year, I'm feeling very relaxed rather than anxious about flying (a former trigger) and am so happy to be sober! I'm also really hoping this is our month for getting pregnant. Fingers crossed everyone! I'll know in a few days...
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:17 AM
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Hi everyone, sure has been quiet here, but I haven't been good with checking in either. Struggling a bit ATM. Not drinking, but there are days when I really want to. Baby is almost 3 months old and doing well. I think bf her 24/7 is the only thing keeping me from caving and I'm not happy about that because eventually that won't be the case. My older daughter just turned 5 and all of sudden does not want to go to preschool. She has always loved it, but the last week or so she has not wanted to go and she cries and clings to me when I drop her off. Dr said it is most likely separation anxiety - not wanting to be away from me and her little sister. We both drop her off and then maybe she feels like she is missing out? Anyway, it has been really hard on all of us and there are days I just want to escape and have that calm, relaxed feeling wine always gave me. Trying to remember where that all will lead though. The negatives far outweigh that one positive.

Hope everyone else is doing well. BeBetter, any good news this month? Keeping my fingers crossed for you Will check in again later.
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:54 AM
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Hi moms. Still getting my "stuff" together and keep slipping up. The positive side is it makes me realize why I need to change my life. Hope all are well and sending a huge hug out to all.
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Old 03-01-2015, 02:53 PM
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Hello Moms, I am a mom with two kids of ages 4 and 14. Just stopping in to say hello and hope you all are doing well.
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Old 03-02-2015, 06:27 PM
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Hi Moms...

Welcome Jen! I am a mom to an 8 year old girl, and I just hit 22 months sober the other day. I was a daily drinker since my daughter was born with the last year or 2 of my drinking getting really bad with sneaking drinks in the morning before work and drinking nips of brandy in the bathroom stall at work.

Never thought I could live without alcohol, but here I am close to 2 years sober with my life improved in almost every way. I am so much healthier, I am a better mom, we are financially comfortable again, and more importantly...I am no longer being kept awake at night worrying I wouldn't be alive to see my daughter graduate high school...get married...all the important events a girl needs her mom around for!!

So in short....this sober life has been worth ever struggle getting here. It's not easy...especially in the early stages, but if you just hang in there....we can do this:-)

Welcome again.

Hi Lady....can't believe your little one is 3 months already!! Yeah...you older girl is probably just feeling some separation and afraid she is missing out on mommy time. I'm sure it'll won't last long.

Well I had a drinking dream the other night....first one in a while, but it was still unsettling. I dreamt I got a pint of brandy, took a swig then stashed it under my mattress. I woke up and was soooo relieved it was a dream, but as I said...still bothered me because under the mattress was one of my hiding spots. I would stash it there so during the night when I had my usual insomnia I could reach down and grab it so I could swig from it while hubby slept...having it so close to me in bed was handy because I wouldn't have to get out of bed and risk waking my husband up...how sad is that?

Well...hope all is well. Check back later
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Old 03-03-2015, 05:24 PM
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Hi all,

Great to see some activity here.

Lady - Loved the pictures of your baby on FB. She is getting so big! I didn't let breastfeeding stop me from drinking with my last baby. When she was 2 months, I had my first drink, and did the whole waiting for my blood alcohol level to return to normal before breastfeeding again. But soon enough, I was breastfeeding after a few beers. I read a lot about it at the time, and found plenty of evidence to justify my actions. It was dangerous. And I still believe most of what I read - the alcohol content of my breastmilk wasn't the most dangerous thing- it was my competency to be sleeping with and nursing a baby. I often wonder if her delay in speech is my fault. I don't dwell on it - she's perfectly above average in all other ways, but it's a guilt I live with. And also, knowing that it's likely she'll be my last baby, I feel terrible guilt at not soaking it all up, but instead, escaping with my nightly drinks. That's a much bigger regret that I haven't forgiven myself for.

I don't have any advice about the preschool drop-off issue. Do the teachers say she keeps crying after you leave? I leave my youngest in a child-watch when I work out, and she sometimes cries, but I peek back in literally 1 minute later, and she's fine. I wonder, though, what's changed for your daughter. Could just be a growth spurt of sorts. I know my oldest would sometimes go through these spurts of big independence followed by what seemed like regression back to a baby, but in retrospect, you could see it was all part of the same growth spurt.

And no...not my month. I was pretty sad about it. Timing was perfect, cycle seemed healthy. We're not very young anymore. I never thought I'd be desperate for a baby at my age... my youngest will be going to pre-school next year, and part of me wonders if I even really want to do it again, or if I'm just stubborn and refuse to give up on an old dream.

Dolly - how are you doing with things at home? I'm sorry you had that dream. Dreams can hold onto you in a weird way... I had a dream last night that I had another baby and she was in the NICU, and I woke up feeling really unsettled, and it didn't really go away. And for your dream to mimic your old real life. Ugh.... I hope you and hubby are figuring things out - in whatever way is best for you. Are you still dieting or are you at your goal weight?

Jen - Welcome! I'm mom to 2 girls, ages nearly 3 (2 weeks!) and 5.5. I'm 20 months sober, and like Dolly said, it's been worth every struggle. Especially because after awhile, it's not really a struggle. Would I still love to have a margarita? Yes. But it doesn't nag me like it used to. I feel much more in balance in my life, and lots of my anxiety, which initially peaked when I quit drinking, has gone away.

Babs - thinking of you! I hope all is well.

We had a good trip to Florida - the warm weather was a fantastic break from this awful cold. I've been eating like I plan to hibernate, and haven't hit the gym much. The weather is really getting me down, along with some strange aches and pains in my legs. I really do feel old. I've been grappling with that since my husband's mom died. I feel confused about what my life should be like right now. Like, I see all these people my age who really seem to have it together, and I don't feel like I do. I guess I do, but I just can't convince myself. Or, I'll think - maybe we should move, start new, live life like we used to when we were young and carefree. And THAT is definitely mid-life crisis thinking! (And technically, I might be midlife, at 37!). I feel like lots of my life is waiting for the next stage, like "When E is in Kindergarten, I'll feel more balance." And that's not a good way to live. I want to appreciate all the moments - or at least, all the stages. Life goes so slow some days, and so fast over the years.
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Old 03-07-2015, 10:40 AM
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Party last night at a winery. Can't say I didn't have my moments.... open bar, wine tastings... the cake was good, and I held strong.
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Old 03-10-2015, 12:16 AM
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Well done bebetter . Glad the cake was good. X
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Old 04-23-2015, 06:40 PM
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Nor sure if anyone will see this, but wanted to say hi.

Our cozy little moms thread seems to have fizzled out. I myself haven't even logged onto SR in a while, but something clicked in my brain tonight to check in.

All is well with me for the most part...still worried about my marriage sometimes, but other than that...things are good.

I am still sober, in fact, I am coming up on 2 years next week!!!! Hard to believe, but I lI've my sober life!!!

To all my old friends here Ladybug, Bebetter, Babs, Lucy....I miss our nightly check ins and hope you are all doing well.

to the ladies that joined more recently...hope you are doing well too.

Well...hugs to you all, and keep on keeping on:-)
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Old 04-23-2015, 11:47 PM
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Hi dolly, I'm sure that this thread can be refreshed.
Sorry I've not been here much..... Black dog of depression has me firmly in his jaws.
I'm finding it difficult to reach out.
Life is a huge struggle right now but I'm sober so at least one thing is going okish. Av is trying all sorts of things to trick me though. X
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Old 04-25-2015, 07:00 PM
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Hi Petals....

Sorry you are feeling down. If you don't mind me asking...how long hAve you been sober? I know I struggled with bouts of depression in the early days, and still do now, but not as much.

for me, I needed a hobby....I took up baking when I quit drinking, and having that outlet to focus on, and feel pride in, helped immensly!

I just had a few days recently where it was a struggle for me...I traveled to Pennsylvania on vacation, and traveling is always a bit harder.

Anyway...glad you are stll here, and hope to chat again.
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Old 04-26-2015, 12:46 PM
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Hi all,
I am also really suffering with depression at the moment - the worst I've had actually and wondering how I am going to get through it without drinking. Snapping at my son and crying a lot and not sleeping well at all. Feeling extremely overwhelmed by everything at the moment... Slipped up the other day and felt awful the next day. Trying to remind myself it's all about getting back up and starting again.
Anyway, just wanted to check in and say I would be sad to see this thread disappear.
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