Class of June 2014 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 406
I'm sorry JL it sucks to reset and be back at the beginning. However that doesn't change the 80 or 85 days that you were indeed sober. It's still valuable experience and nothing or no one can take that away from you. However it's now up to you if you want to keep moving forward towards sobriety or start moving back to where you were before.
If you are truly an alcoholic (and only you will know that, we can't identify it for you) you will not be able to stay at occasional. At least I was not able to and you can read countless stories here that say the same. When I was drinking for a few weeks between each sobriety stint. I spent more time worrying about how much I was and could drink that I had time for little else. It consumed me as much as drinking freely.
I really hope you pick yourself back up and just use it as a learning experience. Write down how you feel now. Then the next time you are thinking about it pull the paper back out.
If you are truly an alcoholic (and only you will know that, we can't identify it for you) you will not be able to stay at occasional. At least I was not able to and you can read countless stories here that say the same. When I was drinking for a few weeks between each sobriety stint. I spent more time worrying about how much I was and could drink that I had time for little else. It consumed me as much as drinking freely.
I really hope you pick yourself back up and just use it as a learning experience. Write down how you feel now. Then the next time you are thinking about it pull the paper back out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Noolan, kiya, jl2014, how are you guys???hoping your doing well! I'm doing well 111 days now and getting better, finding new interests, connecting with people in my life so much more. Thinking of you guys and hoping your doing well!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 406
I'm doing pretty good Hereandnow thanks for asking. Today marks 114 days which is 10-12 more than the last time I went back to drinking. I thank God many times every day for the strength to make it as far as I have. And while I still have some of those moments when I think I would really like to sit at the picnic table out back with a drink they are coming less frequently.
I work today then I scheduled vacation days Tuesday and Wednesday to do some work around the house going into fall. In the past my best of intentions would have turned into drinking and sitting on the computer all day by 930am. Then around 3 or 4 try and rush through some stuff to make it look like I was productive before my wife got home. I really look forward to being completely productive this time.
It's truly amazing how different my outlook on life is becoming but it also scares me quite a bit. Before I was fine taking things as status quo because I would just drink and ignore it. More and more I find myself bothered deep down by things and I have to actually deal with them. I'm feeling like I stunted myself to some extent over the past 8 years from 21-29. I never learned to have an actual meaningful or difficult conversation. I simply avoided them and now I'm having to work my way through that process. I feel like I rambled and I'm not sure it all made sense trying to write down my thoughts. It does make me feel better when I take the time to write here though.
Praying for all of you that you have a great week coming up.
I work today then I scheduled vacation days Tuesday and Wednesday to do some work around the house going into fall. In the past my best of intentions would have turned into drinking and sitting on the computer all day by 930am. Then around 3 or 4 try and rush through some stuff to make it look like I was productive before my wife got home. I really look forward to being completely productive this time.
It's truly amazing how different my outlook on life is becoming but it also scares me quite a bit. Before I was fine taking things as status quo because I would just drink and ignore it. More and more I find myself bothered deep down by things and I have to actually deal with them. I'm feeling like I stunted myself to some extent over the past 8 years from 21-29. I never learned to have an actual meaningful or difficult conversation. I simply avoided them and now I'm having to work my way through that process. I feel like I rambled and I'm not sure it all made sense trying to write down my thoughts. It does make me feel better when I take the time to write here though.
Praying for all of you that you have a great week coming up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Wow, it's been a while!
I've been trying to stay away because I knew visiting the board would make me aware that what I was going was wrong. I haven't been sober, I have been drinking and often. Everything was good until this Saturday. I went out for dinner with a friend and had drinks... I don't remember much after that... Everyone said I left "looking sober" but I somehow drove my car several blocks away, parked it (safely,thank God)... And began drunk wandering aimlessly around the downtown area. Calling friends and family. I can't understand my logic of that night nor can I remember anything. I'm so horrified... Luckily my mother came to pick me up and we got up the next day to search for my car. I was trembling at the thought that I may have hit someone.... Or something... I just knew my car was wrecked... When we found it in blocks away in a more residential area I was elated... Safe and sound... But why did I park there?... I'm so blessed that both myself and my car were unharmed but I have extreme anxiety over what caused the nights events... I know I will never get that back, and I am trying to move on. I try so hard to be a good person, I really do. These screw ups make me feel not worthy and low. I'm disappointed in myself and my actions..I've been here before, I've been saved before. I don't want this, I want a alcohol free life. You support would be greatly appreciated. I need you guys. Today is day 3.
I've been trying to stay away because I knew visiting the board would make me aware that what I was going was wrong. I haven't been sober, I have been drinking and often. Everything was good until this Saturday. I went out for dinner with a friend and had drinks... I don't remember much after that... Everyone said I left "looking sober" but I somehow drove my car several blocks away, parked it (safely,thank God)... And began drunk wandering aimlessly around the downtown area. Calling friends and family. I can't understand my logic of that night nor can I remember anything. I'm so horrified... Luckily my mother came to pick me up and we got up the next day to search for my car. I was trembling at the thought that I may have hit someone.... Or something... I just knew my car was wrecked... When we found it in blocks away in a more residential area I was elated... Safe and sound... But why did I park there?... I'm so blessed that both myself and my car were unharmed but I have extreme anxiety over what caused the nights events... I know I will never get that back, and I am trying to move on. I try so hard to be a good person, I really do. These screw ups make me feel not worthy and low. I'm disappointed in myself and my actions..I've been here before, I've been saved before. I don't want this, I want a alcohol free life. You support would be greatly appreciated. I need you guys. Today is day 3.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Hereandnow2 
Ejm, it's ok ! Things like help us realize we are not capable drinking . I think you know that now . It's part of the process,. Your guilt won't help recreate that night. Try to let it go and focus on the futute!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 406
EJM that sounds completely terrifying I'm glad to see you back in one piece though. When you fall and get back you you need to try and reassess the situation with what you've learned. What do you feel that you need to change vs the last time in order to best equip yourself for making it through?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Kiya
EJM that sounds completely terrifying I'm glad to see you back in one piece though. When you fall and get back you you need to try and reassess the situation with what you've learned. What do you feel that you need to change vs the last time in order to best equip yourself for making it through?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Dang, and here I wondered if I was all alone again on this board !
First of congrats on day 3 EJM(4 now maybe ?). It was hard for me to get to 3 days sometimes and if others got the guts to tell you, it's hard for them too. I just posted on another part of this board how I'm struggling so hard at not drinking.
What I'm seeing with myself and other ppl is that there will come a time, and since everyone is different, it appears a little different to each person, that you will, if you never NEVER give up, that you will begin to stop drinking.
For some it's a scary incident, for some it's something horrible, for some it's just a day that's gone by and that was their day 1.
What I'm sure of is that your brain and mind on alcohol does NOT function the way it's supposed to. I drank for yrs, and felt depressed for yrs. I mean bad. Blamed it on all kind of stuff, except my "hideaway medicine". I didn't call it that then. That's what it was though.
Point is, that being down on yourself and feeling hopeless and not worth crap (me), was mostly my brain on booze. Only after 60-90 days was I able to go " hey ! I don't feel like @&)$!! 24 hrs a day!"
I'm only at about 105 days or so and it's still in my face, but I'm here and have hope. The reason I'm telling you all this is that I'm not coming at you with the I'm sober 20 yrs thing. If stay sober 20 yrs, I don't want to REMEMBER. These times !! Haha
I've just out of where you are and I've had to crawl the whole damn way for me to do it.
Tools that may help : 1- forgive yourself, let yesterday go, it's over and gone-poof!
2- focus on what is real, not what you "were, or did, or whatever"--- right now is where you are. Right now is what you hold on to.- later will get here. That's in the bible ( I read it cause I need it)
3- finally, "worry is a down payment on what hasn't happened yet"
Worry isn't real because its not what's happening right now.
You. Don't. Have. To.worry.
You. Can. Choose. Not.To.
- I'm hoping this helps, even for 1 sober day. It will be a day nobody can ever take from you ...
First of congrats on day 3 EJM(4 now maybe ?). It was hard for me to get to 3 days sometimes and if others got the guts to tell you, it's hard for them too. I just posted on another part of this board how I'm struggling so hard at not drinking.
What I'm seeing with myself and other ppl is that there will come a time, and since everyone is different, it appears a little different to each person, that you will, if you never NEVER give up, that you will begin to stop drinking.
For some it's a scary incident, for some it's something horrible, for some it's just a day that's gone by and that was their day 1.
What I'm sure of is that your brain and mind on alcohol does NOT function the way it's supposed to. I drank for yrs, and felt depressed for yrs. I mean bad. Blamed it on all kind of stuff, except my "hideaway medicine". I didn't call it that then. That's what it was though.
Point is, that being down on yourself and feeling hopeless and not worth crap (me), was mostly my brain on booze. Only after 60-90 days was I able to go " hey ! I don't feel like @&)$!! 24 hrs a day!"
I'm only at about 105 days or so and it's still in my face, but I'm here and have hope. The reason I'm telling you all this is that I'm not coming at you with the I'm sober 20 yrs thing. If stay sober 20 yrs, I don't want to REMEMBER. These times !! Haha
I've just out of where you are and I've had to crawl the whole damn way for me to do it.
Tools that may help : 1- forgive yourself, let yesterday go, it's over and gone-poof!
2- focus on what is real, not what you "were, or did, or whatever"--- right now is where you are. Right now is what you hold on to.- later will get here. That's in the bible ( I read it cause I need it)
3- finally, "worry is a down payment on what hasn't happened yet"
Worry isn't real because its not what's happening right now.
You. Don't. Have. To.worry.
You. Can. Choose. Not.To.
- I'm hoping this helps, even for 1 sober day. It will be a day nobody can ever take from you ...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
@JL2014
Oh My! This is exactly what I needed. Your words have inspired me. I feel crazy, almost insane. But you summed it up with
"What I'm sure of is that your brain and mind on alcohol does NOT function the way it's supposed to"
That gives me hope. That I won't be this miserable person if I just don't drink. Today is the beginning of day 5.
Oh My! This is exactly what I needed. Your words have inspired me. I feel crazy, almost insane. But you summed it up with
"What I'm sure of is that your brain and mind on alcohol does NOT function the way it's supposed to"
That gives me hope. That I won't be this miserable person if I just don't drink. Today is the beginning of day 5.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 406
Good Morning everyone. How's Saturday (morning for me) finding you all? It's just me and the boys today. My wife is gone to Women of Faith this weekend and was gone last night & most all of today. My project today is to see how much I can just get cleaned up around the house to surprise her while she gets back. It's something that she won't expect, generally my projects need done but make as much of a mess as anything (power washing the house, replacing the bathroom fan, replace the shed doors, etc). It's rare the I just clean without her around and us doing it together.
I've shared this poem before but I don't believe I have in the June thread. It's just titled 'The Builder' by an unknown author. It was a favorite of my Grandpa and my wife framed it and put it in our bathroom where I can see it every morning. It reminds me that it's definitely not the easy path trying to build something (sobriety, relationships, faith, anything) but it's so worth it. And it's also so much easier to destroy or tear it down. And you see it every day around you where people focus on what everyone is doing wrong and not supporting each other.
I've shared this poem before but I don't believe I have in the June thread. It's just titled 'The Builder' by an unknown author. It was a favorite of my Grandpa and my wife framed it and put it in our bathroom where I can see it every morning. It reminds me that it's definitely not the easy path trying to build something (sobriety, relationships, faith, anything) but it's so worth it. And it's also so much easier to destroy or tear it down. And you see it every day around you where people focus on what everyone is doing wrong and not supporting each other.
As I watched them tear a building down
A gang of men in a busy town
With a ho-heave-ho, and a lusty yell
They swung a beam and the side wall fell
I asked the foreman, "Are these men skilled,
And the men you'd hire if you were to build?"
He gave a laugh and said, "No, indeed,
Just common labor is all I need."
"I can easily wreck in a day or two,
What builders have taken years to do."
And I thought to myself, as I went my way
Which of these roles have I tried to play?
Am I a builder who works with care,
Measuring life by rule and square?
Am I shaping my work to a well-made plan
Patiently doing the best I can?
Or am I a wrecker who walks to town
Content with the labor of tearing down?
A gang of men in a busy town
With a ho-heave-ho, and a lusty yell
They swung a beam and the side wall fell
I asked the foreman, "Are these men skilled,
And the men you'd hire if you were to build?"
He gave a laugh and said, "No, indeed,
Just common labor is all I need."
"I can easily wreck in a day or two,
What builders have taken years to do."
And I thought to myself, as I went my way
Which of these roles have I tried to play?
Am I a builder who works with care,
Measuring life by rule and square?
Am I shaping my work to a well-made plan
Patiently doing the best I can?
Or am I a wrecker who walks to town
Content with the labor of tearing down?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
I love the poem! Beautiful. Kiya how sweet for you to clean up for your wife !! My husband did that for me with the boys the other day and it was great! Ejm I'm glad your feeling a little Bette! I think that first week is the hardest and your almost done with it ! JL why have you been struggling? Cravings/temptations? My sponsor and others in aa say change if season is hard for most alcoholics. I am noticing it! We went camping and I was really wanting one of those pumpkin ales by the fire! But what I noticed is when I drank around a fire w my kids it's as if the alcohol encased me in a bubble. I was more engaged in my buzz than them? I would sit outside alone while my husband would put them to bed and drink some more enjoying my buzz looking at the fire, calling a friend. Not in the moment with my husband and kids!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Advice! I am a school social worker and am developing a new community holiday program for needy families. A colleague whom loves to push my buttons says." I won't be contributing bc the last time you has us help that black family they came back and asked for help for the following year! So who know what kind of families your going to be helping!" I said that's fine don't help! He said "I'm helping a family from my church" I said "oh so you go to church and live by god yet you pick and choose who your going to help! You give with strings attached! Well this continued for a bit and escalated till I was red in the face and walked away. I was so upset by the argument that I was in tears. I am about his age , female and he always has something to say either sexually or digs at me. We get along most of the time and he us very tight with the administration. They view me as part of their team and seem to accept his insensitivity and rude remarks. I'm afraid if I report him to human resources he'll retaliate or I'll be shunned from the group. I wish I could stop engaging with and most of the time I do but a few times a year for the last 8 years I just lose it!!! Sorry this is so long!
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