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Class of June 2014 Part 4

Old 07-31-2014, 10:49 PM
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Congratulations on 60 days hereandnow.

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Old 08-01-2014, 02:26 PM
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Good afternoon Juners,

I've been trying all day to get on and finally have a few minutes.

Congrats to H&N- wow, 60 days. Keep up the good work and don't let your guard down. Let's all push through August sober.

I just realized that last night was the first time in almost two months that I went the whole evening without a thought about alcohol. Usually every night the AV voice hits when I get home from work and sometime in the evening. I won't drink tonight, but it's Friday so the AV voice will come and I will just ignore it.

I hope everyone has a great sober weekend. I will try to get on and check in. I hope some of the Juners we lost will come back, alcoholism really sucks. I was thinking the other night that it would be nice to turn the clock back and never take that first drink.

Stay strong,

Scottydog
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Old 08-01-2014, 02:56 PM
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Here&Now- Congrats on 60 days! That's amazing. I'm no math whiz, but if you do that again you'll be at 120 in no time.

Scotty- Glad your AV has been at bay. Watch your back, though!

Day 49, 7 weeks, holy ****!

Day started off strange; I woke up sort of nervous, because today I'm having dinner with my Ex. She's moving away for school, so I do want to say goodbye and maybe even apologize. I have in the past, but they were under the influence and those words have become trite at this point. Also it was a fight with her that really made me realize how self absorbed of a person I was. Both to my problems, addictions, and to my self created world of delusion. So I'm not going to push subjects that are only going to give me closure. Yet, I also want to be completely honest and real. So that's what I will do.

Anyways, back to how I felt this morning. My AV has found a hole in my new found armor. I still harbor raw feeling and unprocessed emotions in connection with my Ex. Mainly how my addiction impacted what might have been something amazing. Yet, my AV seems to have inserted itself deep in these feelings, because I've had multiple thoughts of "well if it goes bad I'll just go drink". Now as I type that out it's easy to see how the second statement is exactly what caused the problems of the first, but somehow it's been a battle all day to suppress those thoughts. Good news is I'm about to meet with my therapist and I have you all in my pocket, so if I start thinking crazy, I'll retreat to sr. Stay strong kids!
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Old 08-03-2014, 04:21 PM
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Day 51.

Hope you all are doing well. The past 48 hours have been really great. I went to dinner with my ex on Friday and it went as well as it could have. We caught up and I was able to apologize for some items I was holding onto. She didn't seem as hurt or as bothered as I thought, which was quite a relief. She is leaving for school, so I didn't want this meal to be all about me or absorbed by negatives from the past. There was a lot of good times and I think more so than bad.

Once I was over my nervousness and in the moment, my AV had no power over me. The idea of drinking away pain was laughable then. Even when I got home, I was overcome with powerful sadness. Seeing her was also a great reminder how amazing of a person she was and reaffirmed the feelings of "what could have been". Yet, as painful as some of those moments were, I felt them and I'm ok. And after getting over myself, I get to see an amazing person go off and achieve their dreams. That's awesome in its own way as well. I doubt I'd be posting this right now had I never met her. She made me realize how unhappy I was and pushed me down the road to wanting to change. I didn't start therapy to get her back, I started seeing a therapist because she was the light that cast different hue on the path I was on. It became clear to me at 26, that partying and binge drinking was something that was not making me happy.

Unfortunately, losing her wasn't enough. It took a serious struggle and battle with addiction and lower lows to reach this point. But through all that, I'm finally able to cast aside my addiction's influence and am starting to feel strength I didn't know I possessed. As scary as it is to be starting from square 1 and rediscovering myself, hopes, dreams, aspirations, hobbies, character flaws, doubts, strengths, etc... It's also amazingly inspiring; a new lease on my life has been granted simply by making a choice not to drink or use ever again. That's a pretty fair deal. Stay strong kids.
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Old 08-03-2014, 09:36 PM
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Noolan I love your posts! You are such a good writer. It's great that you can go through guilt, anxiety, sadness, and not pick up! That is a real accomplishment and you are even happy for her!
I went to my small hometown festival on fri night in which they serve beer in buckets . Literally small metal buckets! It was tempting but I happily drank my fresh squeezed lemonade and a funnel cake, mmmmm. Also went to cardinals game with my kids and husband and felt like is be having more fun if drinking. Then I b&);()(? Slapped my av and moved on. Glad there are a few of us still in this thread.
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Old 08-03-2014, 10:33 PM
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Congratulations Noolan and to all you guys - some great milestones here

great stuff!

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Old 08-04-2014, 06:39 AM
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Good morning Juners,

The thread seems to be getting pretty sparse. I hope everyone made it through the weekend sober.

H&N, glad you made it through the baseball game. I also enjoyed beer during ballgames. Oddly enough, this is one place I would hold myself to one or two, mainly because they're so expensive.

This was a good weekend for myself. The first time I didn't have a lot of cravings and the AV was hardly there. I'm hoping this is a turning point.

I won't drink tonight and pray everyone here stays sober another day.
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Old 08-04-2014, 11:48 AM
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Scotty glad to your av was quiet for the weekend!!
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Old 08-04-2014, 03:39 PM
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H&N- Congrats on making through the baseball game! I'm a cardinals fan, by the way, so bonus points for you.

Scotty- A sober weekend is a great thing; even more so when your AV is in check. Keep. It. Up.

As for the lack of updates from others, hopefully we see some Juners return. I'll be here waiting!

Day 52.

Pretty easy work day. Sort of busy, but nothing too crazy. I'm headed to a concert tonight with a friend. He's not yet aware of the sober choice I've made, but I know he will be supportive. Sobriety use to feel like an awkward hat I use to have to put on. Each day I gain for confidence in that hat. Stay sober kids.
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Old 08-04-2014, 07:57 PM
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Figured I would check in, I'm still moving along and staying busy. Up to 65 days currently. I'm doing pretty decent. I had a really tough weekend two weeks ago but it seems to have passed.
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Old 08-04-2014, 08:15 PM
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Good to hear from you Kiya

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Old 08-04-2014, 09:35 PM
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Well my first day back at work! I thinking working could be slightly easier in regards to my av because I'm soooo busy with work then home to the kids , dinner, taking a online course for salary advancement ect! I really do need to put the ice cream down though! I haven't gained weight but eat ice cream almost everyday. I bought some healthy food to have at work and plan on planning meals for dinner now that things are a little more structured with working and kids going back to school. Hoping everyone had a good day.
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:25 AM
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Hi there, Junies.

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and well wishes. I wanted to check in days ago, but to be honest, I just didn't know what to say. Dee's post about relapses brought me back to posting, so I felt it high time I write some words here.

So glad that all of you are moving forward! Keep it up.

I started to drink on what would've been my day 51; and I didn't stop until 6 days later, when my grandmother passed away. I went through the services and seeing all the family stone cold sober. Detoxing that week, needless to say, was beyond no fun. But here I am closing day 8, and am determined to move forward in my sober life. It wasn't my worst detox, but how can I truly gauge that when my mind/body had to be at least somewhat present for my grandmother's funeral? I was so completely immersed in family, and getting back to attending AA meetings, but now I'm left with dealing with me, and whatever is left of a 4 year relationship. And to be honest, I've been thinking a lot about alcohol. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's the truth. And that really frightens me because it's only been 8 days since my last drink! In the past, I've never thought about a drink so close to my stopping drinking.

Well, I just wanted to check in and say thank you all, again, for your kind words. And while my new quit date is in July, I hope you all don't mind if I keep posting some in here. I feel a connection with you all; after all, we did start trying to change our respective lives at the same time, right? Right.

Much love.

Last edited by rachelle77; 08-05-2014 at 03:31 AM. Reason: Added more words
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:36 AM
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Noolan--your post from 8/3 was amazing. You seem to have found some sort of peace in that area of your life, and I'm very happy for you.
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Old 08-05-2014, 03:42 AM
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And right on Hereandnow! 60 days is awesome!

Sorry for the late reply about it, but I'm still trying to catch up on the June news!
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Old 08-05-2014, 06:08 AM
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Day 53, crosseyed tired from work and life drama. Realizing that I really drank to self medicate and hide from problems. Problems suck
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Old 08-05-2014, 09:41 PM
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Jl2014 I'm dealing with the same thing! I really thought I was so self aware and dealing with life and all this time I wasn't! Wow.

Rachelle so glad to here from you. How are you?
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Old 08-05-2014, 11:43 PM
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Hereandnow--I'm doing pretty okay today. Attended two meetings, one of which had the topic of how to deal with difficulties in recovery. While I took the low road and drank, it was really inspirational to hear how others have weathered life's difficulties. Support and community kept coming up over and over to help aid our sobriety.
Other than that I haven't been sleeping very well; only day 9 so I'm still adjusting. Spent the afternoon with some friends, and felt myself to be more quiet and reserved than usual. Just trying to get through all of this and move forward as best I can.
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Old 08-06-2014, 05:26 PM
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H&N-Work can be a great distraction from your AV. Also hats off for balancing a work/family life. I'm single and have struggled just keeping myself in line, so kudos.

Rachelle- Welcome back! I cannot imagine getting sober under those conditions, I'm at my weakest in times of withdrawal and likely wouldn't have even attempted to completely abstain. Keep it up.

JL2014- "Heard Dat", i.e. I understand exactly where you're coming from.

Day 54 in the books. Work has been kicking my butt this week. I've had to cover a co-worker who is out, which has translated to double the work. Last night I was so tired, I read/liked all your posts, but I couldn't muster the energy to post.

The previous night I went to an amazing show by the singer Jenny Lewis. This led to less than 5 hours of sleep and then an intense work day. The show however was amazing; it also was a break through. During some of my other sober breaks, I went and enjoyed the music, but there was part of me conscious to all the booze around me. While it's obvious the majority of the crowd was drinking, Ms. Lewis was my drug. She reminded me of why I started to go concerts to being with way back when. Alcohol numbs these feelings for me and I don't feel the things I felt Monday drunk. Let's be honest, I drink to excess and once my drink is gone, I'm back to the bar to get my next fix. The whole reason I came falls to bathroom and booze runs.

So the show was amazing and I had a very pretty, but highly intoxicated girl next to me. She quickly lost her charm and I wondered how often someone had that opinion of wasted me. Alas, I'm not on any sober high horse. I just smiled and danced/swayed my way around/away from her.

The climax and high of the show was when she did a song Acid Tongue. It hits home regarding my recovery and everything I've felt during all of this.

"To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XajpuQliptc

Stay strong kids.
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Old 08-06-2014, 09:17 PM
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Rachel so happy you are back at it! That is awesome. You are strong!

Noolan that concert sounds really cool. I had a similar exp at a concert . I was waiting in line in the bathroom and these women were very drunk, obnoxious and slurring. I did not want to be that way and felt good being in control of my body and mind. However that was me many many times!

I went to dinner tonight w my husband and another couple. They had several drinks and I really was very jealous and a hard time with it. I felt like I would be having more fun if I was drinking. My husband reminded me of how I would feel getting up at six in the morning. We got home and the boys were still up. I tucked them both in and laid with them an extra long time. Being sober for that was soooooo worth it. I breathed in their smell, soft skin and rubbed their little backs. It was heaven....
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