gracette

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say hello, hopefully a few of you remember me. I wasn't coming on the forums for a little while, for some reason I had it in my head that therapy + AA + SR was too much, and maybe it was for a bit. But while I do get a lot from the first two, I realized that reading and posting here helps so much with a key part of my recovery, which is gratitude. You all really help me remember that even when I'm feeling bad, I've come a long way and have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm still sober, 43 days now. (I reset my sobriety date because of a day when I took more of my antidepressant than prescribed.) Won tickets to a concert tonight, going with a friend who I've already hung out with once sober at a drinking-type event, so I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Hope everyone has been well, looking forward to being active here again!

gleefan

BoozeFree, DG, Else, Sparky, Siesta - Thanks!

Gilmer - Wow, you're up to 10 minutes of reflective prayer already. Impressive. I used your image of swatting away flies with my son last week, to brush away some intrusive negative thoughts he was having. You must be excited to start the Hebrew class; I get the impression you enjoy rising to the challenge.

Sparky - Chandler smoking - Ha! About a year and a half ago I quit drinking for two weeks, the longest I had gone without drinking in about 9 years at that point. I felt good and strong and like life was on the right path. I started drinking again with the intention to moderate, but what happened was I immediately fell into the same pattern I had been drinking before I quit.

My cravings were intense and frequent in the first month of sobriety, and they were usually when I was feeling well. My pattern was drink, recover, detox, eat right, exercise, then binge again. Drinking after a particularly intense exercise session - or on an empty stomach - gave me even more bang for the buck.

Else - The calm, flat line of affect that comes from not using is an adjustment when we're used to feeling high, then dropping, then high, then dropping. Plus, there are the physical depression from PAWS. Depression can look like irritability, and boredom is essentially irritability over the perception that there's nothing fun to do. And addicts, who equate "fun" with "using", may feel in recovery like there's nothing fun to do. I see a growing appreciation on your part of the peaceful things in sobriety. I get the sense lately that you're coming from the perspective of abundance, rather than being focused on what you're missing by not using.

Have a great day undies!

gleefan

Gracette - Good to hear from you! I was wondering how you were doing!

Gilmer

I know you're growing increasingly secular, Sparky. This place is a very loving and tolerant melting pot of all types of beliefs. No one is judged or scorned or stifled--it's a very "live and let live" environment with an attitude of "take what you need and leave the rest."

I thoroughly enjoy secular-minded people. I don't really resonate to overly sentimental or treacly expressions. I am not bothered if other people don't share my worldview.

It kind of goes with the territory for Christians to evangelize at least a little--but I make an effort to be considerate and respectful, and I will shut up immediately if somebody indicates that I've crossed a line. Pushiness and boorishness don't make for a good "ambassador of reconciliation."

Gilmer

Hi, Gracette! Just read your update! Have a great time at the concert! Glad you'll be hanging out here more often!

SparkyMcSparky

Gilmer, why do I somehow think you'll never cross that line.

And from my end, although I have chosen a secular recovery, this does not make me any less a Christian. However, this brief dive into secularism has inspired me to look more into the faith I profess to have. I enjoy respectful discussion of the different approaches - not because I want people to agree with me, but because someone sometime (maybe even now) is thinking about quitting drinking and has not found a way to do so.

Reading posts that discuss these concepts in a healthy and respectful way hopefully allows them to see that they too can recover, as there are others who believe in the same things they do, yet are able to maintain sobriety.

Going through the boards before joining, one of the main things that stood out to me was that so many people who have drinking problems suffered from anxiety. One could apply a chicken or egg argument to this (anxiety causes drinking/drinking causes anxiety), but the prevalence of the word "anxiety" is what drew me to this community. As I mentioned in my blog, anxiety is the constant companion of a child raised by a non-functioning alcoholic.

This makes me consider the nature of anxiety. What really is it? I would state that to me, anxiety is caused by fear of the unknown. And for the child of the alcoholic, this starts at an early age. Will Mom be drunk? Will we have money for school supplies? Will there be bread for me to make lunch? Will the bill collector call?

See, we develop these fears based on things that happen to us, and we retain these fears, even when bad things quit happening to us. So like ticking time bombs, we walk around waiting for the hammer to fall, when it actually never will. And so we drink to self-medicate, as we can't deal with the waiting. We'd rather be drunk and numb when the latest in our line of life's disappointments hits us.

Where am I going with this?

I'm kind of a long-term approach guy. I don't just look at the decision I'm making as a "now" thing; I also look at is "If I continue to follow this path, then where logically will I end up?". Part of this ended up being analysing my faith, and how it fits into a recovery model, I kind of weighed two different thoughts:

- If I have genuine faith as a Christian, then God will help me, and as a Christian I should ask for this help. I should give my life to God, and allow him to do with it as He sees fit. This path does not challenge any lifelong beliefs I've held about God or the afterlife.

- God won't help me and I'm supposed to help myself. But this means that I may have to acknowledge my lifelong system of beliefs is false, and that this is it. I am right now nothing more than self-propelled worm food.

As someone who has had numerous existential crises (finally "conquered" with booze I may add), I discovered something very surprising. See, as a Christian, we are to have confidence about the afterlife. If we accept the Gift of Jesus, our sins are forgiven, and we receive eternal life.

However, it appears that the uncertainty of what happens after we die is a source of huge anxiety for me. See, what if there is no afterlife, or I have sinned badly enough that I burn in a lake of fire forever? What if we fail the test that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven? Heck, by worldwide (and Biblical-time) standards, we're all rich. We're on computers talking about our drinking problems for goodness sake.

In many cases, some of my weeklong binges have been fuelled by trying to wrestle with a question that I do not and will not ever have an answer for. At least my "alive" self never will.

So in reading more about secularism, I found myself oddly attracted by the concept that this is all there is, nothing more or nothing less. I don't have time with loved ones in the afterlife - any time I have with them is now. I have no fears about what happens in the afterlife as nothing happens. You go to sleep, and don't wake up. And I find these thoughts pervasively comforting. And for my anxious personality, knowing there is nothing (which can be empirically proved physically) is somehow better than not knowing if and what awaits me on the other side.

Have to say, this has been two of the most interesting weeks of my life.

Gilmer

Good news--I got an appointment tomorrow for a second opinion on my problem root canal. The guy's name is Dr. Chong! I thought that was amusing.

Gilmer

We posted simultaneously, Sparky!

Forgive me!

I didn't mean to co-opt your deeply personal share with a picture of those two clowns!

SparkyMcSparky

LOL, no issues.

If he offers you a gas mask before looking at the teeth, think I'd be a bit cautious.

sober1ck

Wow, miss a day and you miss a lot around here. I have a lot of posts to catch up on. I just attended my first meeting in over a year... had been checking out well, a lot of booze, and alternate recovery methods. But I just said, "hey, I like people..." and when things were going well, I was involved socially. It was a pretty good feeling, and it was a comfort to see a few familiar faces.

It's a little bittersweet to think if I had stayed sober when I first got sober, I'd have like 9 years. I did have a chance to talk to a man who worked with me in the past who has been sober a long time now... but he said he drank like I did (blackouts) and that it also took him 9 years to finally hang it up and commit to some changes.

sober1ck

I totally get this. Been there a millions times. But the low that sometimes follows can be hard to recover from.

courage2

Congratulations on 5 months, Gleefan!

Gracette, it's great to see you in your Undies! My friends in AA don't understand SR & I've stopped trying to explain it or justify. If someone made me choose AA or SR, I'd go with SR -- fortunately I don't have to choose. Both can be great support if used well.

I'd post more but frankly don't have the attention. My husband's been sick and I've had a non-minor episode with what I refer to as my "legal issue", plus various blah blah blahs. He's out of the hospital and I'm not charged with anything, so all is working towards being well. But not quite there yet.

Will catch up more soon. Hugs to all!

Alysheba

Just popping in to say HI! Hope all is well and I think of you often.

Love, Aly xxoo

Congrats Pan and Gleefan!

I'm off to bed, nite nite.

Elseware

Alysheba!! Hello, my dear! I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering how you are doing? Really well, I hope. Lots of love to you.

Alysheba

Thank you so much Elsewhere!. I'm doing ok, better I think. Still a ways to go, but I've missed the undies. How are you??

Elseware

Well, I'm ok, Aly. Been feeling sort of nostalgic for some reason. Listening to old music and dreaming the dreams of days gone by. But I see the future opening up. Sun at the end of the tunnel. That's why I'm the sunflower opening up, you know.

Life has become more than just hanging on. I'm feeling some peace and quiet for the first time in a long time. Accepting the things I cannot change as the saying goes.
India and I go out for long walks. Nothing exciting. Yoga class has been kicking my bum. I'm working hard to get my body tip top. But it's painful. Yow! My strength is slowly returning. And I'm gradually cleaning my dirty house and at the same time allowing healing to happen to my being. So yeah, I'm ok. I hope you'll check a little more often. I miss you here.

Alysheba

How is India? I wonder about you two sometimes. I took my horses for granted for so many years, in a way and I loved them with all my heart, but now that I don't have any, my heart aches for missing them. If you feel like it, please post another pic of India and you. You're so lucky you have your friend. Nothing used to soothe me like my crazy horses. . I sometimes feel nostalgic for the past too. But I figure God has me in this new place and I must learn to adjust, but it doesn't keep me from missing my German Shepherds and my horses. Tell me a story about India any time, PM me if you want. I've been thinking about you two as well. I really admire what you're doing in you're own time.

All my love, Aly

Elseware

India is lovely. Her coat is like spun gold and her black mane is very long and her luxurious black tail brushes the ground. She has soft brown eyes and little dancing feet. She is an exceptional horse. A Missouri Fox Trotter. I love to press my nose into her side. She smells heavenly. I prefer to ride her alone or with just my husband right now. Sometimes other horses acting up will upset her. I call her my "delicate flower"! I don't feel like any upset right now so we just take it easy.

Someday you might have another horse, Aly, never say never! Horses get in your blood. You never forget that thrill of energy that comes from a frisky horse. Nothing like it, is there?

Dee74

let's canter over and continue here with Part 35:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-35-a.html

D