Class of April 2014 Part 13
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Too far up North
Posts: 284
Day 1
I really need to make an effort to come on SR regularly while I am here.
I had a scary realization . I have slipped up quite a bit since my mom passed and I've been using my grief as an excuse.
It is so hard being here in this house and my mom not being in it. It is so hard to know the pain that my father must be going through. I cannot emphasize enough how close he and my mom were. I have an extremely difficult time showing my emotions or talking about them, so I fear that I am not giving him enough comfort. It's hard not having my husband here to comfort me.
I have been shoving my feelings so far deep inside of myself that I can almost forget they're there. I have been turning a blind eye to the fact that I'm self destructing in the process.
This isn't supposed to be easy. It's going to be nearly unbearable at times. If I don't deal with it while I'm here, I'm going to take it all back home with me. That's why I realized my little "maybe I'll just drink while I'm here" plan was BS. No more exceptions. Back to square one. Zero tolerance.
I really need to make an effort to come on SR regularly while I am here.
I had a scary realization . I have slipped up quite a bit since my mom passed and I've been using my grief as an excuse.
It is so hard being here in this house and my mom not being in it. It is so hard to know the pain that my father must be going through. I cannot emphasize enough how close he and my mom were. I have an extremely difficult time showing my emotions or talking about them, so I fear that I am not giving him enough comfort. It's hard not having my husband here to comfort me.
I have been shoving my feelings so far deep inside of myself that I can almost forget they're there. I have been turning a blind eye to the fact that I'm self destructing in the process.
This isn't supposed to be easy. It's going to be nearly unbearable at times. If I don't deal with it while I'm here, I'm going to take it all back home with me. That's why I realized my little "maybe I'll just drink while I'm here" plan was BS. No more exceptions. Back to square one. Zero tolerance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 361
Nice shopping list Stormi! All that talk of food is making me hungry!
I'll try and catch up on everything this weekend. I'm in the middle of some hellish finals (four hours of sleep every night so far this week), a sick dog and now today we heard that my boyfriend's grandfather has stage IV cancer. It's been a weird and sad day. My boyfriend is close to his grandfather and has been leaning on me hard today, but I'm glad that I'm present for it. Beginning of day 9 for me. I feel okay right now, no real cravings, but I'm not a daily drinker, more of a horrible binger, so talk to me in a week when my finals are done and I feel like "partying"... I worry about future me. But me today is okay! Just exhausted.
I've spend the past half hour reading and now have no time to comment. All of you are in my thoughts and wishing you well! Let's have a great start to our weekend, even when the sad news keeps knocking at our door. G'night!
I'll try and catch up on everything this weekend. I'm in the middle of some hellish finals (four hours of sleep every night so far this week), a sick dog and now today we heard that my boyfriend's grandfather has stage IV cancer. It's been a weird and sad day. My boyfriend is close to his grandfather and has been leaning on me hard today, but I'm glad that I'm present for it. Beginning of day 9 for me. I feel okay right now, no real cravings, but I'm not a daily drinker, more of a horrible binger, so talk to me in a week when my finals are done and I feel like "partying"... I worry about future me. But me today is okay! Just exhausted.
I've spend the past half hour reading and now have no time to comment. All of you are in my thoughts and wishing you well! Let's have a great start to our weekend, even when the sad news keeps knocking at our door. G'night!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by StormiNormi 
Omg omg... Did I ever have FUN today. It was a rain day, so an unexpected day off work. *****; I so needed this DAT. Spent pretty much every cent I would have spent on alcohol this past 9ish weeks but here is what I got!
1. $250. Worth of artisan yarn.
2. Meat market top grade bison and bacon.
3. Lee Valley garden novelties.
4. Health store supplements.
5. Lunch out the with a friend.
6. Farmers market fresh farm cream and produce; Cherries are out! My treat
7. A Full tank of gas!
8. New Candles for my deck.
I spent way more than I should have, but still not as much as if I had been still actively buying alcohol this past two months.
What is everyone else doing with their new found wealth?
1. $250. Worth of artisan yarn.
2. Meat market top grade bison and bacon.
3. Lee Valley garden novelties.
4. Health store supplements.
5. Lunch out the with a friend.
6. Farmers market fresh farm cream and produce; Cherries are out! My treat
7. A Full tank of gas!
8. New Candles for my deck.
I spent way more than I should have, but still not as much as if I had been still actively buying alcohol this past two months.
What is everyone else doing with their new found wealth?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Long Beach, NY
Posts: 2,317
I can't find a link for it, but I was in a CVS by me (drugstore) and they sold like a tough kinda plastic case for smartphone and kindle/iPad...they had a zipper kinda top and protected the device from sand and water while being able to be used...I remember a while back a few here were trying plastic bag methods, take a look these things look perfect and were under 20$...I'm gonna buy one this weekend and try some at home tests to see if they work well
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by Soliloquy
Day 1
I really need to make an effort to come on SR regularly while I am here.
I had a scary realization . I have slipped up quite a bit since my mom passed and I've been using my grief as an excuse.
It is so hard being here in this house and my mom not being in it. It is so hard to know the pain that my father must be going through. I cannot emphasize enough how close he and my mom were. I have an extremely difficult time showing my emotions or talking about them, so I fear that I am not giving him enough comfort. It's hard not having my husband here to comfort me.
I have been shoving my feelings so far deep inside of myself that I can almost forget they're there. I have been turning a blind eye to the fact that I'm self destructing in the process.
This isn't supposed to be easy. It's going to be nearly unbearable at times. If I don't deal with it while I'm here, I'm going to take it all back home with me. That's why I realized my little "maybe I'll just drink while I'm here" plan was BS. No more exceptions. Back to square one. Zero tolerance.
I really need to make an effort to come on SR regularly while I am here.
I had a scary realization . I have slipped up quite a bit since my mom passed and I've been using my grief as an excuse.
It is so hard being here in this house and my mom not being in it. It is so hard to know the pain that my father must be going through. I cannot emphasize enough how close he and my mom were. I have an extremely difficult time showing my emotions or talking about them, so I fear that I am not giving him enough comfort. It's hard not having my husband here to comfort me.
I have been shoving my feelings so far deep inside of myself that I can almost forget they're there. I have been turning a blind eye to the fact that I'm self destructing in the process.
This isn't supposed to be easy. It's going to be nearly unbearable at times. If I don't deal with it while I'm here, I'm going to take it all back home with me. That's why I realized my little "maybe I'll just drink while I'm here" plan was BS. No more exceptions. Back to square one. Zero tolerance.
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
I had another drinking dream last night. This time, I really was going to drink... still hadn't, but was planning. I was so excited. I had decided. And it wasn't wine, but whiskey! And maybe, I could buy more vodka if I wanted to! I had money! I was excited also because hard liquor is so much stronger... and has a more 'fun' drunk, I guess. I don't know... but wow....when I woke up, I really really really wanted to drink.
Now, I am sort of ok. Distracting myself. Though talking about this again doesn't really help..... it's just getting stronger every day.... like, why can't I handle this once or twice a month? Aaaahhh......... I know this isn't good. I shouldn't *need* it this way. Even once or twice a month. I shouldn't even need that.
But what is wrong with some fun, and relaxation, once or twice a month? (I mean, like two days in a row...so like once a month I'd have a binge time of like two nights....whatever)
The consequences might not be that bad.... the enjoyment, could be very good.....
Or not. Because really. This is like my heroin. And I believe it will always feel good. So why even do it? After those two days of drinking, what would stop me from wanting to continue drinking? Why not just keep drinking, every day??? Just because it feels good, doesn't mean I have to do it.
And anyway. After having a really good coffee, I do feel pretty good. I just miss all that 'fun' with drinking... I believe my brain is blocking out all the NOT FUN that comes along with it!!! aaahhhh....brain is in tug o' war.
EDIT: This is my day 30!!!
Now, I am sort of ok. Distracting myself. Though talking about this again doesn't really help..... it's just getting stronger every day.... like, why can't I handle this once or twice a month? Aaaahhh......... I know this isn't good. I shouldn't *need* it this way. Even once or twice a month. I shouldn't even need that.
But what is wrong with some fun, and relaxation, once or twice a month? (I mean, like two days in a row...so like once a month I'd have a binge time of like two nights....whatever)
The consequences might not be that bad.... the enjoyment, could be very good.....
Or not. Because really. This is like my heroin. And I believe it will always feel good. So why even do it? After those two days of drinking, what would stop me from wanting to continue drinking? Why not just keep drinking, every day??? Just because it feels good, doesn't mean I have to do it.
And anyway. After having a really good coffee, I do feel pretty good. I just miss all that 'fun' with drinking... I believe my brain is blocking out all the NOT FUN that comes along with it!!! aaahhhh....brain is in tug o' war.
EDIT: This is my day 30!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Luc - congrats on day 30. What an accomplishment. I understand the feelings you are having. But I know I'm an addict and while even my few slips I have had have been short and uneventful ('why can't I then just drink a couple beers or couple glasses of wine on Sundays' or 'hey I could just let loose a couple times a month and have a nice lie-in the next day no big deal, everyone does') I know what it will turn into - maybe not today or next weekend, but at some point, I'll be finishing the bottle on Monday, then I'll be buying an extra for Monday night just because. Etc. etc. You are 30 days today, and tomorrow you will be at 31. Tell that AV to shut it. Also, I finished OITNB - what a crazy ending.
ST - Hope it went well.
Soli - Hugs. Take it slow and keep well.
ST - Hope it went well.
Soli - Hugs. Take it slow and keep well.
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
Well, I happen to be spending the night at a family members tonight, going out in the morning....and then sunday I'm doing something in both the morning and the afternoon (so drinking the night before is a bad idea) so....atleast, I think maybe I can survive the weekend?
But monday. That will be 33 days exactly!!! That's when I caved last time. And I have nothing planned that day. Also, this horrible thought of "just having a cooler or two" this afternoon/evening is in my head.... I know that usually never works though. Ok, I'm going to go eat something right now. Then see how I am. Food usually helps. I've already had my coffee.
But monday. That will be 33 days exactly!!! That's when I caved last time. And I have nothing planned that day. Also, this horrible thought of "just having a cooler or two" this afternoon/evening is in my head.... I know that usually never works though. Ok, I'm going to go eat something right now. Then see how I am. Food usually helps. I've already had my coffee.
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
Soli - I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.... hopefully coming here to SR can help a tiny wee bit. 
Rocks - I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriends grandfather. That must be tough on him. Good luck on your finals. Also, I know what you mean about the "talk to me in a week" thing.... it's the same with me. I guess we really, really can only focus on the present moment. I'm feeling pretty weak right now. I hope you can stay strong! Congrats on day 9.
Applekat - oh yeah I've definitely finished OITNB!! What an ending, yes.... I don't want it to be over already!! I need to see what happens next!
So I've had my coffee, my food, my ice cream, and I also just finished a movie. Chernobyl Diaries. It's not that good... I mean, I personally didn't enjoy it that much. The acting was terrible. There were a lot of times when nothing was happening. But, I can see others maybe liking it. The premise for the movie is pretty great!!! So I guess I was wanting more to happen. Oh well.
So I still would really love to drink. This is my AV right now -->
Rocks - I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriends grandfather. That must be tough on him. Good luck on your finals. Also, I know what you mean about the "talk to me in a week" thing.... it's the same with me. I guess we really, really can only focus on the present moment. I'm feeling pretty weak right now. I hope you can stay strong! Congrats on day 9.
Applekat - oh yeah I've definitely finished OITNB!! What an ending, yes.... I don't want it to be over already!! I need to see what happens next!
So I've had my coffee, my food, my ice cream, and I also just finished a movie. Chernobyl Diaries. It's not that good... I mean, I personally didn't enjoy it that much. The acting was terrible. There were a lot of times when nothing was happening. But, I can see others maybe liking it. The premise for the movie is pretty great!!! So I guess I was wanting more to happen. Oh well.
So I still would really love to drink. This is my AV right now -->
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Welcome back Solil
Luc - I missed it too - then I realised I hadn't really done anything different in my life - I was living the same life with this huge void in it.
The more you make a new sober life, the less you'll moss your old drinking life, I promise.
and remember - that AV has no arms or legs - it's powerless without you helping it to get what it wants.
so...don't help
'grats on day 30!
D
Luc - I missed it too - then I realised I hadn't really done anything different in my life - I was living the same life with this huge void in it.
The more you make a new sober life, the less you'll moss your old drinking life, I promise.
and remember - that AV has no arms or legs - it's powerless without you helping it to get what it wants.
so...don't help
'grats on day 30!
D
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
I have been doing MANY things to change my life... I am in full time therapy (that in itself is a lot of work), I actually have two therapists at the moment, and am in groups, and just signed up with someone else for volunteering, and am with another day centre where I spend my time, and have a spiritual group on sundays, and have been working on my inner life, thoughts, actions, feelings, thoughts, habits, etc.
But yeah.... it is hard. The AV takes over my mind, and then my mind is what moves my limbs for me and then all of the sudden it is "I" who has decided to drink.
Anyway, thank you Dee.... you are a very kind and thoughtful person. I appreciate everything you say.
I guess I can only keep doing what I'm doing, and then add more and more things to that....and hope that someday it all works for me.
But yeah.... it is hard. The AV takes over my mind, and then my mind is what moves my limbs for me and then all of the sudden it is "I" who has decided to drink.
Anyway, thank you Dee.... you are a very kind and thoughtful person. I appreciate everything you say.
I guess I can only keep doing what I'm doing, and then add more and more things to that....and hope that someday it all works for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,315
8.38am
It's raining, like it does in S E Asia in summer.......
Wet and hot!
Just filled my 2nd 28 day calendar yesterday, making today day 57!
Sol: I think you are being so brave, you're showing real character!
Dee: The comment on the highlights package was very, very true! Thanks.
stay tuned...........
It's raining, like it does in S E Asia in summer.......
Wet and hot!
Just filled my 2nd 28 day calendar yesterday, making today day 57!
Sol: I think you are being so brave, you're showing real character!
Dee: The comment on the highlights package was very, very true! Thanks.
stay tuned...........
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Yeah sorry - I phrased that clumsily.
I didn't mean you hadn't been doing things. You've been way smarter than I was
It will take time to build a new life tho - and to get over a relationship of however many years it's been.
We can miss toxic relationships too.
D
I didn't mean you hadn't been doing things. You've been way smarter than I was
It will take time to build a new life tho - and to get over a relationship of however many years it's been.
We can miss toxic relationships too.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Dee - I think that's so true and probably a reason Caroline Knapp's book is so true for me - "Drinking: A Love Story". I was in love with wine no matter how terribly it treated me. Like a bad boyfriend. I'd come crawling back time and again, no matter what it had done to me or how it had made me feel. This breakup needs to be for good.
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