rockstonic

I'm really pretty pissed at myself. What worries me is that I drank A LOT with the intent to just disappear. I kept blacking out alone, not eating and then kept drinking. That kind of behavior will literally be the death of me. And it always starts as a fun social thing and it always ends up with me blacked out and alone. I'm exhausted. And scared of myself.

Applekat

Rocks - Is there anything you were doing differently during any longer sober periods? I know for me (my 'longer' periods were not long, but you know what I mean) I was logging in here a ton, and also reading a recovery related book - it helped me to be constantly reminded of exactly the stuff I wanted/needed to avoid. For some reason it hadn't been enough yet to just remember how *I* felt after a bender. Reading other's stories helped. Also having something very specific and very early in the morning planned. Meet someone for an early breakfast. Walk or run an early 5K race. An early AM loooooong bikeride or canoe/kayak/fishing. Anything you have to commit to nice and early, that will remind you how much you won't - CAN'T - drink the night before in order to function at and enjoy.

rockstonic

I got food poisoning? Haha, don't want to do that again. I was doing a lot of outside of class reading. And exercising more. I think I'm just burnt out. It's all just too much. I came clean to my mom last night, which was really hard. I'm going to call my dad this morning. That's going to be a more difficult conversation. I'm kind of dreading it. But at the same time hiding that I've had this problem has been exhausting and made me feel like two different people.

Applekat

Yeah food poisoning isn't the way to go. Books, exercise, talking - those are great though! There's been a couple of times where I've felt so down all of a sudden that I've just plugged in headphones and got comfy in bed and listened to guided meditation I found on youtube.

I bet that was SUPER hard talking to your Mom. Good for you for opening up.

Upward2Enlightenment

Morning Fools

Throughout our lives we make choices, take actions, love, hate, win, and lose. These things define who we have become by how we have responded to life and our own actions. We have made a "name" for ourselves which stretches beyond the name we where given at birth.
Changing our name, hair color, clothing, etc. Does not define us. These things have nothing to do with who we are, at the most they may effect how others view us.
So the question would remain, what about us are we really trying to change?
Be happy with whom you have become for you can not change or hide the past, you can only control who you will become in the future. Every day is a chance for change, embrace it!

rockstonic

My mom is being super aggravating. She's telling me that I should finish class and then we can deal with me getting help. She also asked me if I really thought I had a problem and told me that I have to be more responsible with my choice to not drink. I did downplay how bad it is because I don't want her to freak out about my drinking and driving and three day benders. But it's just a little discouraging, especially because I'm somewhat financially dependent on my parents. I guess we'll see what my dad says.

izzy8

Beautiful words, Up! Rock- I know it's hard but I think you're really getting somewhere by being honest with your family. That must be challenging- but I think you're really headed in a strong direction by dealing with that challenge. Kat- we love wizard of o too, esp the cowardly lion. Free- thx for the weekend reminder. Adna- sorry to hear that your welcome home was not very welcoming. Moving a thousand miles maybe not a bad idea ?... Btw, thank you for your non-exclusivity here. Means a lot, esp on a site like this. Top- Is your wrist doing better? Hope you have a better day today. You definitely have what it takes to make that happen! Obo- you're really racking up the days, great job DD- I've had to learn to stand up to controlling people too. One of the scariest things I ever did(the worst were my in laws)- and one of the most freeing. Luc- do you really live in a castle ? Mariah- glad you're back! I continually struggle too- doing better though and more sober days than ever so I feel like I'm at least headed in the right direction. so sorry about your dog. Soli- how are you? I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Your mom must have been a beautiful person and blessed to have a daughter to love her so much like you do. Chick- hope you're feeling better! I was up all nite keeping my daughters fever down- no fun. ST- I'm a book lover and I used to swear off the anti-real-book-evil-kindle! Now, of course it's my favorite possession. I will agree w Kat, it's way too easy to push the buy button! Hope everyone has a fabulous fools day

Applekat

Adna - I too feel like I want to shout to the world sometimes what I am working on here. But no one truly knows except this group. I even started a little journal ticking off my days. It feels amazing and it's my replacement for telling others. It doesn't seem like a huge thing to my hubby for example. If he doesn't want a drink he just doesn't have a drink. I feel like I should get a gold star and pat on the back everytime I refuse. And those fairies sound awfully cute.

rockstonic

I know I'm a little post happy today, but I sure was right when I said that bender was one of my worse. I just looked in the mirror for the first time and it's kind of terrifying. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish anything today. Today feels impossible.

izzy8

Rock- of course, you shouldn't feel pressure to tell anyone you're not comfortable sharing with!(imho). But if you're feeling the need to talk to your parents, I applaud you for doing that even tho it may be hard. As a mom, I will say that I would want to know! My mother didn't respond very well either. But I know she loves me and for me, it felt good with her to get it off my chest(eventually). But then, in my family, I've always been the one to push the, "it's ok to not be perfect guys!" Rule . But esp when you're recovering, I do think it's really important to listen to your own feelings and comfort level.

izzy8

You can do today, Rock. Just today. Would it help to write out what you'd like to get done- even some kind of schedule for the day so that you could see it and work on writing it until you felt good about it?(make sure to include at least one way to be good to yourself).

rockstonic

Yeah, I just have a long day of class and I really can't miss. I might have failed already due to too many lab absences. I just feel really weak and out of sorts and I have to drive an hour. I just really wish I had today off so I could get it together a little bit more before facing the world. The three days of drinking and not eating has really done a number on me. But at least I'm sober.

rockstonic

I found some gin I had stashed so my boyfriend wouldn't take it. But I was so drunk I forgot where I hid it. I'm glad that I found it this morning and not last night when I was searching. Because last night I would have drank it. This morning I poured it down the sink. It was hard.

MariahGayle

Wish you didn't have to go to class Rocks - I'm glad you are going to talk to your Dad & I think taking a break from school this summer is a good idea. Be good to yourself today when you get back home....rest & drink lots of water & a good meal. Thinking about you.

Thank you for the welcoming posts everyone. Gotta get ready for my day.

MariahGayle

Good job Rocks.

Present4614

Good morning! Funny you brought up the subject of change... I have changed my name because I no longer feel Overwhelmed. I feel like I need positive reminders and that old name was too negative for where I am at now. Hope I didn't break any rules

SolitaryThinker

Morning everyone, worked late crawling out of bed now, rock I'm glad you are here and posting everything that is bothering you, I really think it's gonna end up helping you in the end, it really is.

SolitaryThinker

I have to catch up!

SolitaryThinker

nice name change! I don't think it's against the rules at all...I think that's an awesome idea too

Soliloquy

D you are absolutely right.

I've mentioned before that my boyfriend died some years ago. I drank a lot after that. When I think of that time, the only way I can describe it is like I was in a dark cave. I was in serious grief in mourning for many many months. It made me so angry and upset when people suggested that it was time to move on and start living life. I surely would've began healing sooner if I didn't try to numb the pain when it got to be too much. Well the circumstances of his death are bizarre and mysterious so that had a lot to do with me having such a hard time letting go. Regardless, I am doing much better this time.
Although I have drank, I see that it is bad. When he passed,I saw nothing wrong with it, I would drink even in the middle of the day all by myself and not eat. All I did was feel sorry for myself and mad at the world. That lasted many painful months of absolute Hell and depression.
Well I didn't get all crazy drunk and depressed this time. I did drink and I did get drunk a couple of times. Of course it left me feeling worse than before. I can't afford anything that makes me feel worse right now. It's time to get healthy and start healing. I still have the Xanax left for emergencies. I didn't mix alcohol with them.
I brought a bunch of my drawing stuff here and I plan to do some artwork.