Venecia, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a truly special man. My thoughts are with you through this difficult time. I hope your mom is doing ok. I can't imagine.

Hugs, hugs and more hugs.

Hi Sheknits--good to see you.

V--I'm thinking of you too. When you feel able, please check in to let us know how you're doing. Sending love.

Thanks, guys. Doing all right. Very brief note here as I need to get in the shower and get ready ... Dad's funeral is in about four hours.

Will post more later.

With appreciation,
V.

I never liked LV.. such an artificial environment.. but my senior team always picked LV when I asked where they wanted to meet.. hard to believe they would turn down Vail for LV, haha. Saved me money though.

I rode through on the motorcycle from Arizona this time last year and it was the same 104 deg, on the pavement, according to my gauge, and I just kept going.. up toward Death Valley, lol. Just don't like the place...

Hang in there JD.

Well, my dear ones, I'm going to tell you something wierd. I have been reading in the newcomers forums for the opiate abusers. It is really intense there. I looked in there to see if there was some thing I could offer in the way of help. But what is happening is that I'm learning a lot about the different ways people handle detox. As you know, I was sick to the point of prostration. And I was tapering my dose and I did not stray from it. I thought I was doing the right thing but these other people seem to be doing so much better than I did. I felt so frightened and alone. At one point in a sweaty bed for 5 days without eating or bathing. I'm thinking now I should have been in a hospital. They are joking around and SEEM to be doing ok, going about their usual business. How is this possible? I guess the way I detoxed says a bit about my personality in that I do everything I do in a big way. And don't mind telling everyone about it.

I'm going to keep reading there I think, because to say the truth, it's like looking at the scene of a disaster. I can't look away. I'm so curious about how this is going to play out for these people. I've been sickened to look too closely in that area before because I have wanted to put those horrible days out of my mind. Now I feel like looking at it real close for some reason. Do I want validation for my experience? What I'm seeing is that we are all different. Was I a big whiny baby? Yes. I couldn't have physically or mentally done it any other way.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm completely confused. I would like to be of some help to people there but I'm afraid if I say much it will be disheartening for them. To me they just seem to be in one big state of denial. I learned as a nurse not to try and deprive people of their denial in many cases because it is a defense mechanism. One that their psyche might very much need at certain points.

Well, I am rambling. However, my urge to use has for the most part dissipated lately. And that is good news. Hope you're all doing well, especially you JD and Venecia in this time of extra trials. Thanks, Pals

Elseware, nothing weird about your observations. It is my understanding that opiate withdrawal symptoms carry vary widely between individuals. I'm glad to read your urges have subsided.
I have not ventured into the New to Recovery forum much the past several months. I find it depresses me. Thankfully, there are people like Dee who work tirelessly to help these newcomers.

What would we do without Dee?

Vegas has been harder than I thought. The memories are strong and a pull towards debauchery or even the release of being at a conference and in meetings and a cold drink by a pool as still so strong. I find telling others of the past has helped as a constant reminder but the wiring seems strong. For me its about the cocaine although the image starts with a drink by the pool. I am pulling out all my tools but it is really really hard. I had two more days but now am leaving in the morning. I now have tonight to get through, which will include a dinner.

It must be really hard to be in that environment right now. I think you have the tools tho JD?

D

I am heading down to the spa to get a massage and meditate. I am then going to swim 2K meters in the pool before dinner. I am on the first flight out in the AM - I don't have a legit reason to stay longer and was honest with myself about this. I feel like the ground is a bit shaky and this mindfulness might be the growth I have hoped for or the tools I refer too. Seems so silly when I write it out like I am being a baby about this but the urges are so strong - I am actually concerned I just break and grab a drink. Its all around me and I know where that will lead.

I feel like outing myself here is making me more accountable.

JD, good call on leaving early if you're feeling a strong pull. I have the utmost confidence in you about getting through tonight. You can do this.

Thanks for the kind words Else :)

I dunno about other people but I forced myself to be cheery here in the early days - I was terrified I was going to die and I wanted normal things - laughing and joking with folks.

I really felt very very ill and frightened tho.

D

Jdooner, good call on getting out of there on an early flight tomorrow. It doesn't sound like you need to stick around and make it hard on yourself.
I'm in Boston next week for a few days and I'm planning my early morning runs around the Public Garden and Boston Common, I have a good book to read in the hotel room at night, some favorite podcasts to listen to, a few clothing shops I can walk to from the hotel, etc. I'll keep my dance card full.

JD, I'm not much of a pray-er but I've been sitting here meditating and praying for you. You have been in my thoughts all day. Your desperation is coming through your posts. Please get through this. You need to do this. I know you can. You've been such a strong force in my recovery! I can't tell you how much. You are bigger than s*** face Vegas. Maybe if you called home and talked to your kids? Remember you're their Daddy? They need a strong, present Dad. It's the greatest gift you can possibly give them. I'm so glad you're getting out of that place at the earliest possible moment. I think the swimming is a great idea. Wear yourself out. And think about that ski trip last winter. That's what YOU are made of! !((((JD)))!

Thanks everyone...I will be okay. I have laid the groundwork not to relapse and have reached out to you and others. I had a massage and meditated and am now going for a swim. I have canceled on the dinner tomorrow night and just have one dinner to get through tonight. I have made arrangements with a sober friend to meet tonight so I cannot be dragged out to after hours events.

Its ironic things are going so well. Yet, I have really had a strong desire to sabotage everything. Hmm, maybe complacency? Anyhow, I am keeping my faith in doing the next right thing and have worked my program. Now it is up to my HP to carry me the rest of the way - never looked forward to a middle seat in economy so much as I do tomorrow's flight:-)

The call to chaos is a strong one for a while. I think it's the ultimate ' eff it worry about it tomorrow' escape.

Now, the more I've built a life I love, the less I want to escape it?

D

Thank you, Dee, for addressing my confusion. I get it now. I sort of have raw feelings these days and could not understand what was going on in the newcomers posts. I don't have much self-esteem anymore and sometimes things upset me for no good reason. I'm working on that. A work in progress. You are so good at what you do. Thank you again.

Well that was my experience anyway Else. and that's what I suspect here....and it really does good to joke and laugh like 'normal people' :)

Yes I forget that sometimes

Good move JD.