Class Of February 2014 Part 9
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 226
DI, you are so right about outside appearances. The more I talk to other people the more I realise we all have issues. We keep them secret from each other and so when I have an issue I always think Im so abnormal but this is probably not the case or at least not as abnormal as I think I am.
Jenny glad your legal stuff is getting sorted, that helps with the certainty. Drinking doesnt help panic attacks, well didnt help mine. Meditation was good and counselling.
Hamg in there
thanks
G
Jenny glad your legal stuff is getting sorted, that helps with the certainty. Drinking doesnt help panic attacks, well didnt help mine. Meditation was good and counselling.
Hamg in there
thanks
G
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 134
Thanks Dee!!
I just want to be the way I was before. I liked people, had a good outlook on the world, wasn't scared of people, had a iota of self esteem. That all seems to be missing at the moment. I have been sober for two weeks. It is hard. My go to when I felt panicky was to drink. It is like I conditioned myself to do it. I stopped AA meetings because I just felt overwhelmed with all the people. I still do a once a week IOP meeting that is kind of cozy but there is only one other female in there so I do have her number there is no speaking to the others outside of the meeting. I am going to attempt to go to a Church thing this weekend. Baby steps I guess.
I also am going to try a 3 day silent retreat outside of St. Louis in two weekends. It's for AA members run by Jesuits. I am searching for something...maybe three days to clear my head will do it!!
I just want to be the way I was before. I liked people, had a good outlook on the world, wasn't scared of people, had a iota of self esteem. That all seems to be missing at the moment. I have been sober for two weeks. It is hard. My go to when I felt panicky was to drink. It is like I conditioned myself to do it. I stopped AA meetings because I just felt overwhelmed with all the people. I still do a once a week IOP meeting that is kind of cozy but there is only one other female in there so I do have her number there is no speaking to the others outside of the meeting. I am going to attempt to go to a Church thing this weekend. Baby steps I guess.
I also am going to try a 3 day silent retreat outside of St. Louis in two weekends. It's for AA members run by Jesuits. I am searching for something...maybe three days to clear my head will do it!!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I think sometimes getting back to where we were takes a little time Jenny - we didn't end up where we were when we quit over a week, it built up over time.
The retreat sounds intriguing
D
The retreat sounds intriguing
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Jenny - Three days of silence and contemplation could be incredibly healing. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling but I'm glad you found your way back to us for support. I don't think things ever "go back" to the way they were, but I do have faith that in recovery we will grow stronger. I never drank because of panic attacks, but drinking made them worse, ever so gradually.
Gazza - You sound relaxed and peaceful about your romantic life. I'm glad you're feeling well.
DI - I am guilty of being preoccupied with my image. In recovery I've been spending that time reacquainted with myself.
Hi Bobquin!
Gazza - You sound relaxed and peaceful about your romantic life. I'm glad you're feeling well.
DI - I am guilty of being preoccupied with my image. In recovery I've been spending that time reacquainted with myself.
Hi Bobquin!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 436
Hi Febbies! Sorry I've been MIA - been working out some health issues. I ended up in the ER last Saturday night with dangerously high blood pressure and heart palpitations. It wasn't a panic attack and that's what freaked me out. Blood pressure came back down to normal within 6 hours without any medication but they still ended up admitting me so they could do a nuclear stress test and because of the holiday I was stuck there until Tuesday. Yes, while others were tanning on the beach this Memorial Day weekend, I was vacationing in a hospital bed eating bad hospital food, lol. Stress Test came back great and I still have the heart palpitations, which they tell me can be common in folks and not dangerous, but I have to still follow up with a cardiologist next month.
I just find it so ironic that for the past 10 plus years I abused my body daily and when I finally stop drinking it seems I started falling apart, lol. Yes I'm half joking because I really am grateful because had I not stopped drinking I would have never gone to the doctor and would have never known my iron levels were dangerously low and would never have had the transfusion. I've probably had the heart palps all along but they were masked by the low iron and by being drunk every night.
The very GOOD news is that the rest of my blood work was all perfectly fine, including my liver. That's one tough organ!
I hope to be more active here now that life is getting back to normal. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
I just find it so ironic that for the past 10 plus years I abused my body daily and when I finally stop drinking it seems I started falling apart, lol. Yes I'm half joking because I really am grateful because had I not stopped drinking I would have never gone to the doctor and would have never known my iron levels were dangerously low and would never have had the transfusion. I've probably had the heart palps all along but they were masked by the low iron and by being drunk every night.
The very GOOD news is that the rest of my blood work was all perfectly fine, including my liver. That's one tough organ!
I hope to be more active here now that life is getting back to normal. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
What a breath of fresh air to hear from so many of our family. So glad to hear from each and every one of you. I truly missed you all. Even hearing your struggles makes my heart full. Stay with us. We think about you, we care about you. Today was like an impromptu family reunion!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
Oh, and I spent the evening finishing up something I promised my former boss I would do for her! All communications with anyone in the old job are officially on my terms now! To quote a song in a bad movie. . . 'What a Feeling!!'
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,857
Cass - my goodness, four days in the hospital - ugh; so glad all of your test results were okay; I am sure that is a relief. Hope you continue to feel better.
Jenny - so nice to hear from you; glad to hear that some of your legal matters have been resolved; seems the load is getting lighter for you. I imagine it will take some time for your trust issues to be resolved; you were emotionally and financially violated - it takes time to recover. I think the silent retreat sounds great; hope you are able to attend.
DI - glad to hear work is going so well; you sound so much happier and so much more relaxed.
Bobquin - thanks for dropping in.
Hi Glee, LS, Gazza, LuLu, FABL. Delphine, are you out there somewhere?
Jenny - so nice to hear from you; glad to hear that some of your legal matters have been resolved; seems the load is getting lighter for you. I imagine it will take some time for your trust issues to be resolved; you were emotionally and financially violated - it takes time to recover. I think the silent retreat sounds great; hope you are able to attend.
DI - glad to hear work is going so well; you sound so much happier and so much more relaxed.
Bobquin - thanks for dropping in.
Hi Glee, LS, Gazza, LuLu, FABL. Delphine, are you out there somewhere?
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
(((JENNY))) - It is good to hear from you. I'm also intrigued by the retreat, three days of no cell phones, work, that sounds like a great opportunity to reflect and work on one's innerself.
Casinva- I'm soo sorry you had landed in the hospital but am super relieved that you are out and doing OK now. I bet that liver being OK was a relief too. I totally understand getting sober and falling apart. I'm glad you are getting the care you need.
Hi Bobquin- thanks for those kind words of support. The Febbies do rock. I'll never regret finding this site and the nice people on it including you.
DI - It sounds like your job is going well and you met the obligations of your old one with your boss. That's got to be a stress relief.
Gazza - I'm glad you're less emotional than a week ago, time really does help. I'm just hoping you are feeling better overall and I'm also glad to hear AA is still working for you and you are going to meetings. I think I'm stubborn in my attitude towards AA so I've done everything in my power to avoid it like IOP and therapists, only to be disappointed over and over. AA might be it - but I'm not ready to concede yet - maybe - ahhhh - I'll keep watching how you are doing.
My new back doctor did a crack and didn't insist on a 90 day, 2 grand therapy plan and the sharp pains keeping me on the floor in my cube and the car commutes horrible - is greatly reduced. I can't believe it- still sore and a bit of paint but I can walk again. I can't do Yoga, Pilates, or running - his orders. Looking forward to pain-free sobriety soon. And exercise. I'm giving myself Sunday to start this OVER. I know, why not now? I dunno, I just picked Sunday to try and end this madness again. Have a good night Febbies!
Casinva- I'm soo sorry you had landed in the hospital but am super relieved that you are out and doing OK now. I bet that liver being OK was a relief too. I totally understand getting sober and falling apart. I'm glad you are getting the care you need.
Hi Bobquin- thanks for those kind words of support. The Febbies do rock. I'll never regret finding this site and the nice people on it including you.
DI - It sounds like your job is going well and you met the obligations of your old one with your boss. That's got to be a stress relief.
Gazza - I'm glad you're less emotional than a week ago, time really does help. I'm just hoping you are feeling better overall and I'm also glad to hear AA is still working for you and you are going to meetings. I think I'm stubborn in my attitude towards AA so I've done everything in my power to avoid it like IOP and therapists, only to be disappointed over and over. AA might be it - but I'm not ready to concede yet - maybe - ahhhh - I'll keep watching how you are doing.
My new back doctor did a crack and didn't insist on a 90 day, 2 grand therapy plan and the sharp pains keeping me on the floor in my cube and the car commutes horrible - is greatly reduced. I can't believe it- still sore and a bit of paint but I can walk again. I can't do Yoga, Pilates, or running - his orders. Looking forward to pain-free sobriety soon. And exercise. I'm giving myself Sunday to start this OVER. I know, why not now? I dunno, I just picked Sunday to try and end this madness again. Have a good night Febbies!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,857
So glad your back is doing better, torn. I have never suffered from chronic pain but I have had some acute spasm back stuff and the pain was debilitating but short term (couple of days); I can't imagine experiencing it day to day; my heart goes out to you, torn.
Keep posting; you have been missed.
Keep posting; you have been missed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,857
Dear Febbies - wrote this poem after my son died; it was written towards the very end of my grieving process. I thought I would share it with you as recovery from alcoholism is very similar in a way (except for the last stanza).
The “Victory of Recovery” speaks to the triumph of recovery from outrageous grief ~ the resurgence of self ~ the “end” of a very difficult and painful process – the emergence of the ability to “manage” loss and memories and of the incorporation of the loss into self and being ~ into who you are and who you are yet to become. Recovery comes slowly and without drama; its roots are thin; its shoots tender; it is painstakingly nurtured and encouraged to grow; it evolves. Never is recovery an end to memory or love.
The Victory of Recovery
Recovery beckons from the horizons
As grief kindly, slowly softens
Subtle rays of hope and optimism
Intensify ~ shatter agony’s prisms
Vitality sprouts from dormant gardens
As springs of kindness nurture ~ softly christen
Tender shoots of reclaimed spirit
Strengthen, grow ~ shed misery’s thicket
Inspiration stirs in caverns ~ in deep recesses of the mind
As thoughts and visions focus ~ weave and wrap ~ entwine
Scattered pieces ~ jagged shards of memory’s puzzle
Assemble, merge ~break nightmare’s cycle
Courage taunts with its opponent
As fortitude and righteousness form battle’s garment
Valor and brawn take up mutual fortress
Seek out enmity ~ weaken, destroy, redress
Individuality seeks out anonymity
As character and strength bid up their ante
Conviction and identity form alliance
Attain compassion ~ heightened conscience
Harmony silences notes of discord
As tranquility and peace calm warring drums
Melodies and songs of hope and promise
All are proof positive ~ I have won.
Oh merciful, kind and glorious Recovery
How bittersweet thou art
For you are yet one more reminder
That of with him I live without
The “Victory of Recovery” speaks to the triumph of recovery from outrageous grief ~ the resurgence of self ~ the “end” of a very difficult and painful process – the emergence of the ability to “manage” loss and memories and of the incorporation of the loss into self and being ~ into who you are and who you are yet to become. Recovery comes slowly and without drama; its roots are thin; its shoots tender; it is painstakingly nurtured and encouraged to grow; it evolves. Never is recovery an end to memory or love.
The Victory of Recovery
Recovery beckons from the horizons
As grief kindly, slowly softens
Subtle rays of hope and optimism
Intensify ~ shatter agony’s prisms
Vitality sprouts from dormant gardens
As springs of kindness nurture ~ softly christen
Tender shoots of reclaimed spirit
Strengthen, grow ~ shed misery’s thicket
Inspiration stirs in caverns ~ in deep recesses of the mind
As thoughts and visions focus ~ weave and wrap ~ entwine
Scattered pieces ~ jagged shards of memory’s puzzle
Assemble, merge ~break nightmare’s cycle
Courage taunts with its opponent
As fortitude and righteousness form battle’s garment
Valor and brawn take up mutual fortress
Seek out enmity ~ weaken, destroy, redress
Individuality seeks out anonymity
As character and strength bid up their ante
Conviction and identity form alliance
Attain compassion ~ heightened conscience
Harmony silences notes of discord
As tranquility and peace calm warring drums
Melodies and songs of hope and promise
All are proof positive ~ I have won.
Oh merciful, kind and glorious Recovery
How bittersweet thou art
For you are yet one more reminder
That of with him I live without
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,857
Originally Posted by tornrealization 
SL you are the strong rock in our group. I have tears reading that. I think you are like Dee, saving people. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 316
Good morning!
I hope everyone is well. I am surviving the visit from my inlaws so far. Although that wine is sitting constantly on the counter staring at me, the visual of my mil being tethered to the box - refilling continuously from 5pm until bedtime - has been a deterrent. It has outweighed my need to join in. Plus I am playing that tape out thinking about all of the progress I would lose.
Wish me continued strength to see the positive in remaining steadfast and sober!
Have a lovely Sunday, Febbies!
I hope everyone is well. I am surviving the visit from my inlaws so far. Although that wine is sitting constantly on the counter staring at me, the visual of my mil being tethered to the box - refilling continuously from 5pm until bedtime - has been a deterrent. It has outweighed my need to join in. Plus I am playing that tape out thinking about all of the progress I would lose.
Wish me continued strength to see the positive in remaining steadfast and sober!
Have a lovely Sunday, Febbies!
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