Class Of February 2014 Part 9
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
TR- I hope you see this. It is sooo hard. I am so sorry. I hope that you come back soon and that you come right back to THIS group. We will be here for you.
Gazza- hang in there and let yourself feel the emotions. It isn't easy. But very slowly it does get better.
Gazza- hang in there and let yourself feel the emotions. It isn't easy. But very slowly it does get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Originally Posted by Gazza 
Trying not to text my pretty sure soon to be ex. Im guessing its actually ethical to not break up with someone over the phone or via text. She has to come back anyway Im picking her up from the airport in about 10 days. The thing is take two alcoholics add in the damage being an addict does combine it, then if one quits and the other doesnt, the chance of breakup is pretty high. Im starting to think I should be grateful its being ended for me instead of me having to initiate the process. Im just gonna let it go cold. No more texts until I get a reply.
I read an article about how men who do everything for their women end up being loved by them as brothers instead of lovers. Maybe thats been a problem for my marriage and this, my ex wife told me as much. I need to learn to be single, fill my life with things I want to do and then if I feel like it start dating again. Im thinking a year of solid recovery time might work.
Theres a lot of rationilizing in this, but I think its sound. Im just gonna let it die peaceully and trust my HP that its actually for the best. I have worries and fears about the financial division of things of course. Thats actually more of an issue that heart break now. Thats pretty telling really maybe my feelings werent that deep anyway.
ayway just felt the need to express some thoughts.
I hope everyone is doing ok especially TR.
thanks
G
I read an article about how men who do everything for their women end up being loved by them as brothers instead of lovers. Maybe thats been a problem for my marriage and this, my ex wife told me as much. I need to learn to be single, fill my life with things I want to do and then if I feel like it start dating again. Im thinking a year of solid recovery time might work.
Theres a lot of rationilizing in this, but I think its sound. Im just gonna let it die peaceully and trust my HP that its actually for the best. I have worries and fears about the financial division of things of course. Thats actually more of an issue that heart break now. Thats pretty telling really maybe my feelings werent that deep anyway.
ayway just felt the need to express some thoughts.
I hope everyone is doing ok especially TR.
thanks
G
When we stop drinking, our new "sober eyes" quite often give us an entirely new perspective on situations and relationships; there is definitely an adjustment period as we re-evaluate. Sounds as though you may be at that point of re-evaluation.
Stay close to the Febbies; we are hear to see you through this, whatever way it progresses.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Gazza - It sounds like you're approaching your situation with your soon to be ex rationally, which is all you can do. I'm sorry you're hurting emotionally, questioning your fitness as a partner, and worried about your finances. If there's something I've noticed about you, it's that your losses and pain lead to growth. I am confident that you will come out of the other side of this a better person and partner.
Fabl - How was your weekend? Did you get a chance to talk to your friend's children? Your story weighed heavily on me because Needyfriend, the toxic, codependent friend that I've been working to untangle myself from, whose kids are growing up with mine, has had Stage 4 cancer for 7 1/2 years. I feel better for not having her neediness in my life, but I promised to keep an eye on her children when she dies. I know how she operates, from having watched her relationship with her sister and in laws disintegrate: She gives the person who she's mad at the cold shoulder. Then she blames the other person for not being in her kids' lives. Them not being present for her kids makes her feel uncertain as to who will keep an eye on them when she dies. That person is making her death that much more tragic. I feel a little less guilty from just writing it down and seeing how illogical an argument it is. What a process! I decided to admit to a guilt that's weighing heavily on me, then realized I was falling into someone's psychological boobytrap. Wow.
I didn't come on the thread to talk about my pressing guilt over Needyfriend. I was going to mention that I was feeling kind of down and lonely last night, so I went to AA. I hadn't felt particularly connected the last couple of sessions, but last night I shared how I related to the story, welcomed a newcomer, and volunteered to open the building and make coffee for the next four weeks. Connections don't happen over drunk nights at the bar anymore. I'm taking steps to make connectedness with other sober people happen.
I was reading my first few posts last night, where I tore into what a bunch of hot messes I thought the AA'ers were when I went for my mandatory meeting as part of my DUI class. Last night there I was, an overweight mom nearing 40, who could barely keep herself from crying during the reading, wearing sneakers while carrying a dress purse, who was so fragile during her share that she kept her eyes averted to the floor, who was way too eager to volunteer to make coffee. I am so broken right now, an gaping open wound. Yet I'm seeing things a little more clearly than before, and for the first time since I can remember, I have hope.
Have a great day/night, all.
Fabl - How was your weekend? Did you get a chance to talk to your friend's children? Your story weighed heavily on me because Needyfriend, the toxic, codependent friend that I've been working to untangle myself from, whose kids are growing up with mine, has had Stage 4 cancer for 7 1/2 years. I feel better for not having her neediness in my life, but I promised to keep an eye on her children when she dies. I know how she operates, from having watched her relationship with her sister and in laws disintegrate: She gives the person who she's mad at the cold shoulder. Then she blames the other person for not being in her kids' lives. Them not being present for her kids makes her feel uncertain as to who will keep an eye on them when she dies. That person is making her death that much more tragic. I feel a little less guilty from just writing it down and seeing how illogical an argument it is. What a process! I decided to admit to a guilt that's weighing heavily on me, then realized I was falling into someone's psychological boobytrap. Wow.
I didn't come on the thread to talk about my pressing guilt over Needyfriend. I was going to mention that I was feeling kind of down and lonely last night, so I went to AA. I hadn't felt particularly connected the last couple of sessions, but last night I shared how I related to the story, welcomed a newcomer, and volunteered to open the building and make coffee for the next four weeks. Connections don't happen over drunk nights at the bar anymore. I'm taking steps to make connectedness with other sober people happen.
I was reading my first few posts last night, where I tore into what a bunch of hot messes I thought the AA'ers were when I went for my mandatory meeting as part of my DUI class. Last night there I was, an overweight mom nearing 40, who could barely keep herself from crying during the reading, wearing sneakers while carrying a dress purse, who was so fragile during her share that she kept her eyes averted to the floor, who was way too eager to volunteer to make coffee. I am so broken right now, an gaping open wound. Yet I'm seeing things a little more clearly than before, and for the first time since I can remember, I have hope.
Have a great day/night, all.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
Gleefan, I am sorry about your friend, I didn't realize that she was sick. And that is a really tough, guilt inducing situation for the people around her. Wow. Keep it in perspective because it almost seems like you can't do anything right in her eyes, especially when you need to do what is right for YOU. And what a beautiful observation about house far you have come since your first Aa meeting. Sobriety really gives us so much clarity, doesn't it?
I did call my friends mother and left a message. She didn't return my call, which I kind of expected. I will reach out again in a week or so.
I am finishing day 8, and to be honest have had more considerations of drinking than I am comfortable with. Almost like I am planning it already. Like my AV is -once again- telling me that I'm making too big a deal out of all this and how can I expect to not drink all summer with all that time off. I know better, I know where drinking leads me, my mind, my life, my thoughts, and my physical being. I don't want to go there again. Just hating this insidious battle today.
To combat these feeling, I have been eating too much the past couple of days. I know it's better than drinking but ugh.. I hate feeling full all the time.
Gazza, I also admire your attitude and handling of your situation. You are inspiring me to be stronger, and take my own advice. The relationship I am struggling with is at a dead and unhealthy for me. His actions over the past few years really have made me question his character and seriously wonder why I would even want to be with someone who is so selfish, cruel, untrustworthy, dishonest, and fickle. It's obvious, I just need stop holding on, and let go.
I did call my friends mother and left a message. She didn't return my call, which I kind of expected. I will reach out again in a week or so.
I am finishing day 8, and to be honest have had more considerations of drinking than I am comfortable with. Almost like I am planning it already. Like my AV is -once again- telling me that I'm making too big a deal out of all this and how can I expect to not drink all summer with all that time off. I know better, I know where drinking leads me, my mind, my life, my thoughts, and my physical being. I don't want to go there again. Just hating this insidious battle today.
To combat these feeling, I have been eating too much the past couple of days. I know it's better than drinking but ugh.. I hate feeling full all the time.
Gazza, I also admire your attitude and handling of your situation. You are inspiring me to be stronger, and take my own advice. The relationship I am struggling with is at a dead and unhealthy for me. His actions over the past few years really have made me question his character and seriously wonder why I would even want to be with someone who is so selfish, cruel, untrustworthy, dishonest, and fickle. It's obvious, I just need stop holding on, and let go.
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 226
Thanks everyone for the feedback it really helps.
SL your right the 'unfinalised breakup' is always in my mind coming up over and over again very time consuming, depressing and tiring. But it is getting better like Im getting used to it.
Gleefan your sharing about Needy friends 'booby trap' is amazng really. I reminds me of something I read once, that everyone is just trying to be happy but some people have very flawed strategies, including us as ex substance abusers. But it amazes and saddens me what people try in pursuit of happiness. Its a terrible sickness. Nice work on building those AA connections I need to do the same. My partner really dislikes AA thats another problem Im gonna lose maybe. I have a guys number but can never reach him on the phone. I didnt even know there was such a thing as a dress purse :-). When I get emotional in a meeting like that (the last one I went to I cried openly) real progress usually follows. Seems like noone gets through AA without a cry sometime.
Dee thanks but I dont feel inspiring just trying not to plead and jibber to her is hard to be honest.
FABL Fickle is the worst thing for me, I hate that, the uncertainty really gets to me.
Take care all and thanks.
SL your right the 'unfinalised breakup' is always in my mind coming up over and over again very time consuming, depressing and tiring. But it is getting better like Im getting used to it.
Gleefan your sharing about Needy friends 'booby trap' is amazng really. I reminds me of something I read once, that everyone is just trying to be happy but some people have very flawed strategies, including us as ex substance abusers. But it amazes and saddens me what people try in pursuit of happiness. Its a terrible sickness. Nice work on building those AA connections I need to do the same. My partner really dislikes AA thats another problem Im gonna lose maybe. I have a guys number but can never reach him on the phone. I didnt even know there was such a thing as a dress purse :-). When I get emotional in a meeting like that (the last one I went to I cried openly) real progress usually follows. Seems like noone gets through AA without a cry sometime.
Dee thanks but I dont feel inspiring just trying not to plead and jibber to her is hard to be honest.
FABL Fickle is the worst thing for me, I hate that, the uncertainty really gets to me.
Take care all and thanks.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,074
Hi everyone! Catching up on the posts here.
I just wanted to let you all know that I've been thinking of you and lurking around reading your posts. I hope everyone is doing well today. Reading your posts is so inspiring for me.
I just wanted to let you all know that I've been thinking of you and lurking around reading your posts. I hope everyone is doing well today. Reading your posts is so inspiring for me.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Gazza - I have one AA's number, the only other woman who regularly attends the meeting I go to. She seems nice. I haven't called her, nor her me. I'm going to text her later this week to tell her that I am in charge of the coffee and that I hope to see her there. I feel like I'm testing horrible pick up lines.
The emotional openness of AA surprised me. At least one of the guys cries each time, and I tell you, their pain is palpable. I have been to therapy before, in my late teens/early 20's, and cried there, but never in a group setting. Laying myself bare to a roomful of strangers is new for me. The conversation starters are a surprise to me, as well. "How long have you been sober?" "Your share reminds me of the time I messed up." "I live with my sister." I know some in AA try to impress and on- up each other, but no one who's reached out to me has any game, or maybe I am far too broken to notice.
Keep hanging in there Febbies!
The emotional openness of AA surprised me. At least one of the guys cries each time, and I tell you, their pain is palpable. I have been to therapy before, in my late teens/early 20's, and cried there, but never in a group setting. Laying myself bare to a roomful of strangers is new for me. The conversation starters are a surprise to me, as well. "How long have you been sober?" "Your share reminds me of the time I messed up." "I live with my sister." I know some in AA try to impress and on- up each other, but no one who's reached out to me has any game, or maybe I am far too broken to notice.
Keep hanging in there Febbies!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
Good to hear from you Lulu.
I'm concerned about our February mia's. Thinking of you all.
Work continues to go well. Being given more responsibility. I'm doing ok, especially in the day. Still too much time alone, but it is my lot in life.
I'm concerned about our February mia's. Thinking of you all.
Work continues to go well. Being given more responsibility. I'm doing ok, especially in the day. Still too much time alone, but it is my lot in life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Well guys, I lost a friend to complications of alcoholism today. He fell down a flight of stairs 14 months ago and suffered severe and irreversible brain damage; he was very inebriated when he fell although no one knows for sure. . . . . He was never able to go home and spent the last 14 months in a trauma center, rehab facility, and three nursing homes.
His wife is one of my very best friends.
His wife is one of my very best friends.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
SoberLeigh - I'm so sorry for your loss. This situation sounds difficult on many levels - your closeness to his wife, sharing his alcoholic diagnosis, and just plain losing your friend. We don't hear a lot about you on the Febbie thread. Do you have a support system in place? Thinking of you.
DiggingIn - I'm glad to hear how well you're easing into your new job.
DiggingIn - I'm glad to hear how well you're easing into your new job.
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 226
Sorry to hear about your friend Leigh. Its a good reminder for me, one of my main reasons for getting sober was a bad fall. The stats dont even scratch the surface of alohol related deaths.
Went to a strange type of meeting tonight, They were using a study guide that involved reading a question then reading a sentence of the BB as the answer to that question. It was strange cant say I cared for it much. Picked up a 3 month chip which was nice first one Ive ever seen.
take care all
G
Went to a strange type of meeting tonight, They were using a study guide that involved reading a question then reading a sentence of the BB as the answer to that question. It was strange cant say I cared for it much. Picked up a 3 month chip which was nice first one Ive ever seen.
take care all
G
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Thanks, Gazza. You are so right about the stats. My friend suffered from PTSD and GAD (was a Viet Nam vet) and did what so many of us did - self-medicated. Very painful and tragic.
Congrats on your 3 month chip. That meeting did sound strange but I guess it made sense to the person who thought of it - never know what is going to help someone.
So glad you are staying strong and focused; you flexing those sober muscles.
Congrats on your 3 month chip. That meeting did sound strange but I guess it made sense to the person who thought of it - never know what is going to help someone.
So glad you are staying strong and focused; you flexing those sober muscles.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
Originally Posted by DiggingIn
Good to hear from you Lulu.
I'm concerned about our February mia's. Thinking of you all.
Work continues to go well. Being given more responsibility. I'm doing ok, especially in the day. Still too much time alone, but it is my lot in life.
I'm concerned about our February mia's. Thinking of you all.
Work continues to go well. Being given more responsibility. I'm doing ok, especially in the day. Still too much time alone, but it is my lot in life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 316
Hello, everyone! Checking in today finally. The kiddies last day of school was yesterday, so our summer has begun. Like a crazy person, I adopted a new puppy last week from the shelter. He's a beagle mix and so adorable! But lots of work. No sleeping in this summer, I guess. It certainly helps to be sober. I imagine how impatient and resentful I would be hungover. Not only to the puppy but my kids as well.
Still sober, but I had a few temptations. Last Sunday, if the stores sold alcohol and my husband had been home so I could have gone out, I feel like I would have given in. IDK, maybe not. Today, my inlaws are coming for their first visit since I quit. There will be lots of beer and wine flowing. Wish me strength!
Soberleigh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. I hope you and your friend's family find comfort in each other. Such a tragic accident!
Gazza, I'm not on here much but I keep up. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you well in your recovery. I've never been to an AA meeting but have always been curious. Maybe someday I'll go if I feel like I need some more support.
DI, hope you are well in your new job. It sounds both challenging and interesting. Mine could be if I had more time to invest in it. Glad you survived the race. It irritates me to no end that they black it out here! We're only an hour away but I'm not going to it just because I can't watch it on tv!
Glee, you're insightful support on here is an important part of this group. I enjoy reading it. Most of the time I just feel like I want to quote your posts and say "What she said!" How are things with your husband? Mine has been really supportive but I'm noticing that he's buying beer a little more often this last couple weeks. Maybe I'm paranoid. He only has one or two a night, but I worry it will escalate. Maybe I'm a bit jealous, as well.
LS, good luck on all of your projects. I thought I was busy! I'm sorry about your parents. I hope you can get out soon and find your own place. Then I can live vicariously through you. As much as we moms love our families, sometimes we have very guilty fantasies about single life. Maybe I shouldn't admit that. The grass is always greener, right?
Torn, don't go! There's no reason for you to leave - even if you've picked up. You seem to have formed a bond with this whole group and whether I'm posting or not, your struggles have been inspiring to me. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself!
Whew! Out of time! To everyone I've missed, I hope you are well. Take care!
Still sober, but I had a few temptations. Last Sunday, if the stores sold alcohol and my husband had been home so I could have gone out, I feel like I would have given in. IDK, maybe not. Today, my inlaws are coming for their first visit since I quit. There will be lots of beer and wine flowing. Wish me strength!
Soberleigh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. I hope you and your friend's family find comfort in each other. Such a tragic accident!
Gazza, I'm not on here much but I keep up. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wish you well in your recovery. I've never been to an AA meeting but have always been curious. Maybe someday I'll go if I feel like I need some more support.
DI, hope you are well in your new job. It sounds both challenging and interesting. Mine could be if I had more time to invest in it. Glad you survived the race. It irritates me to no end that they black it out here! We're only an hour away but I'm not going to it just because I can't watch it on tv!
Glee, you're insightful support on here is an important part of this group. I enjoy reading it. Most of the time I just feel like I want to quote your posts and say "What she said!" How are things with your husband? Mine has been really supportive but I'm noticing that he's buying beer a little more often this last couple weeks. Maybe I'm paranoid. He only has one or two a night, but I worry it will escalate. Maybe I'm a bit jealous, as well.
LS, good luck on all of your projects. I thought I was busy! I'm sorry about your parents. I hope you can get out soon and find your own place. Then I can live vicariously through you. As much as we moms love our families, sometimes we have very guilty fantasies about single life. Maybe I shouldn't admit that. The grass is always greener, right?
Torn, don't go! There's no reason for you to leave - even if you've picked up. You seem to have formed a bond with this whole group and whether I'm posting or not, your struggles have been inspiring to me. Whatever you do, take good care of yourself!
Whew! Out of time! To everyone I've missed, I hope you are well. Take care!
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