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Class of November 2008 Part 14 |
HA HA HA!!!!!! I'm First!!!!!!!!! :WE1Relaxing2::abcg::funjump: (random smiley attack) |
I really do feel like I'm going under for the 3rd time.... I have not been in such a state at work as I am now (waiting for the house of cards to fall) since way back when I bought this house and work was falling apart. My boss gets it...knows it's not my fault...but things are falling through the cracks cause I just can't get it all done! I almost cried I was so humiliated yesterday. I forgot to turn in a payroll paper to get someone some money! I think he'll still get it in time, but it might be 2 weeks late. I have 5 stacks of "do now" files sitting on the floor and 2 desks of "waiting for response" items spread out on them... Wednesday I had to do lunch with my boss and my staff member (which I hate doing) and they had a bar....I actually wasn't tempted, but I'm really glad it wasn't today, cause today I'm just not sure how I would react. Even last night I had to remind myself that as much as the small ah moment, followed by being black out drunk and not thinking about work....the worst thing I could do right now is drink. There was a time when I believe I was better at my job drunk than sober, but those days are long gone. The last few times I've drank it has been so obvious to me how poor my work performance becomes. It's not really any concelation that this overwhelming work situation isn't due to me drinking or me at all. I guess it should be. But I do know that if I were to drink I would end up messing things up worse and probably end up having to miss at least 3 days to shake rattle and roll my way into a new sobriety (provided I could even do that). Additionally, I think it would be likely I would end up in the hospital because I don't drink lightly...I go straight to a liter a day and my body chemistry and my pancreas just can't take that anymore. OK...I need to remember... I AM sober right here and now...No one has yelled at me yet....The house of cards has not yet fallen.... I got my new vacuum yesterday, so I will have that to help me try to get the house in order the next 3 weekends for my son's graduation. I was arranging for someone to come help me clean, but of course that didn't pan out. I actually have really noticed this week that I was right long ago when I realized that I really can't count on anyone else. Sometimes help is there, sometimes not...in the end I have to rely on doing it all myself. But I don't have to be bitter or angry about that...it's just life. Everyone tries, but everyone (including me) fails at times and people have their own lives to live...I'm not the center of the universe (LOL) OK ... I'll be more up next time! |
Pixy, Every detox/early sobriety is different. But it seems to me that the really bad part of the angry and frustrated part doesn't ususally last longer than a few weeks...and sometimes only one week. That said, in general, if I am sober I tend to hit "prickly patches" where everything seems to rub me the wrong way. I have listened to a Buddhist teacher who talks a lot about not taking it personal even when it effects you personally. People will do and act the way they do regarless of who you are. If Chris had someone else for a mom...well he would still do the same irritating things..it has nothing to do with me I just happen to be there :lmao OK ... gotta go to work :grouphug: |
Yo, I'm a women a few words. Sending love and hugs. |
Hope next week is better for you Nands :) PD..'zup? D |
Nands I remember well the last time you felt overwhelmed with work. The key here is to keep things simple. Focus on one task at a time. It's all you can do then move on to the next. Yes you are sober now! Now is all you have so you need not do any more than what you are doing ;) I was a little snappy and resentful earlier but it past and I'm so damn happy to be sat in bed typing this sober! My priority has to be keeping occupied from 4pm-9pm every day. It's the only way I'm going to do this. Hi PD :grouphug: Need to sleep now as I can hardly keep my eyes open...Ahhhh the joy of not passing out......bliss!! Night all |
I just got really sarcastic with my brother/his wife... I told them I didn't have time to do a mother's day lunch with mom (2 hours there 2 hours for lunch and 2 hours home). The response I got was "I know you said you weren't going make it but we are still hoping that you might be able to at least come over for lunch." I wrote back: "I know you said you couldn't make it, but I'm still hoping that you might be able to at least come over for graduation." It is going to **** everyone off, but I can't stand the friggin guilt trip sht. It's a long story, but I'm tired of this bull. I DONT HAVE TIME OR ENERGY to go to Lawrence next week end! The "at least" comment just blew it. Now I have to pay the consequence for responding...but hey ... that's life :( Sorry...I just don't need this crp right now...sorry to whine. I shouldn't have sent it, but I get a bit tired of "being nice" and avoiding conflict. OK .. on the bright side :) I got through the day and didn't buy a bottle...but like pix I am having a lot of trouble reigning in the anger when stuff comes up. I'm so gonna regret this over the next few days, but I don't know...I think it was the right response despite how angry it was. At some point I think I have to cut through the BS even though it causes more problems...I don't know...Just thinking out loud Sht ... phone is ringing ... probably them :( |
Nands I don't think that was a bad response. Aside from the anger you feel, your response simply allows them to think and feel from your perspective. Aside from the anger, your response would probably have been the same but with a different energy attached to it. You don't have the time and energy and thats absolutely ok. Don't fight to be kind to yourself, let it go with love as my mum used to say. You will feel much better and stronger as a result of being kind to yourself. Having said that everyone is annoying me this morn :headbange:gaah ;) |
OK... It wasn't a "bad response", but here is the deal. In the end all I did was cause pain to my brother and sis'inlaw. I was actually right. And my response made them feel like I felt. So now we have a bunch of hurt people instead of one hurt person. That is what Karma is all about. passing things on to others (not it coming back to you). I won't do that again. I keep thinking of the oath Drs take ... "first do no harm". As most of you know, I've ruined many a relationship by being "right" and hurting someone. I need to pay attention to my Buddhism and stop that crp as much as I can. Pix! I'm glad you are here and posting. Wish we could talk (despite the heavy accent LOL), but I can't afford the charges on my phone :( . OK ... next post is positive :) :a213: |
I got a dyson I got a dyson I got a dyson :wild It is amazing! I had a gift card from a professor at work so it only cost me 250 which is what I paid for my last vacuum (a bissal that never really did the job). The down side is after sweeping about a 3 ft square patch....I had to dump the bagless canister twice lol . The good part is that it really is picking the stuff up! I don't know if I said but I have help coming next weekend to help me clean up the house. I'm paying a lot, but this time it isn't someone with a drinking problem so hopefully it will go well. Gabe is a grad student in our department and he totally understood that this was private and I don't want anyone to know in the department how bad my house is. He and his wife will come next Saturday and spend a day helping me get things more clean. Gabe has been the one grad student that has always stepped up to the plate to help. I had someone ask him if he and his wife would be interested in a job (not telling who it was) because I didn't want him to feel like he "had to" cause I'm someone who might have some sort of power over him (I do payroll, travel, etc.). He talked to his wife and they are happy to help and I will pay them well. I sure hope alley is ok....I tried to email her for her birthday, but the email I have is no longer valid. If anyone has contact with her, let her know I'm thinking of her and would love to communicate. :grouphug: |
The good old Dyson! I love mine, sad I.know but it does the job.and guaranteed for years :scoregood I'm struggling with my moods Nands :( I ruined everybody's day yesterday. Even managed to convince them it was their fault. I feel bad about that. I'm still physically withdrawing too, especially at night. Withdrawals have never lasted this long before. In Way it's good as its making me not want to drink despite the part of me that does. How about Skype nands? Not sure how it works though but I've heard people talk about it :lmao I've not heard from ally for years? I did have her number somewhere I'll have a look for it. When was the last time you heard from her? Or LB? |
Hi all! Just wanted to do a quick check-in. I'm at San Francisco airport about to go back to Portland. I did the balloon release for Soos yesterday in Berkeley and it all went really well. I will post more details later - I also have pictures if someone can tell me how to post them. :lmao I was just thinking about Ally and LB too. I hope they are okay. |
Thanks for the update CG :) Depends if you're hosting the Pics somewhere or just on your PC - lemme know :) D |
Looking forward to seeing the pictures CG :) |
I haven't heard from alley or LB in a long long time. It's amazing how quickly it turns to years.... I've lost so many phone numbers.... I really hope they are ok, as well as timmy. I think it was about a year ago that I heard from tim... I've had some contact with donkey. I guess people move on. It's ok ... So I didn't get a lot of cleaning done... mended the fences with my brother...he is going to England in about 3 weeks, and I am jealous lol I've already sent out some emails for work... and it was 6 am here when I did that. I'm just eating the elephant one bite at a time. I really really want to call in sick, but I'm not sick. I'm just still overwhelmed. The best option is to go in and do what I can. Then I need to come home and do what I can. I need to clean up some stuff that is "gross" before the cleaning crew comes on Saturday. that would be the gross laundry from my bout of diarrhea, and anything moldy in the fridge. geez ... how embarrassing. I'm not gonna work on vacuuming the floors cause that is really the least gross thing. Pix ... you'll be fine. You have a strategy to stay sober and you are getting past the worst part. detox is hard on those around us, but in the end it's worth it. you can make amends later...for now just stay sober and try to realize that being the nice guy by drinking isn't gonna get you anywhere...you may be prickly and cause some problems now, but in the end you will be better off and so will they (hug) Oh...and yep I was wrong...help did come through (cleaners). I just lost belief right before the help came through :) Everyone have a great day....Paperdoll I'm a bit worried about you, but then I'm a worry wart (hug) CG ... I'm glad you were able to honor Sooz and look forward to pictures (get with Dee on that lol). Nands |
Nah, don't worry about me. I'm doing good. Just normal life stress stuff. I'm sober as can be and mostly sane. I just don't have much to say these days I guess but I'm here, reading, checking up on you all! |
Just on my PC, Dee... or, they will be once I figure out how to get them there from my phone. I could put them somewhere hosted if that's easier though. Feeling really emotional about the whole thing today. I had a great therapy appointment today where I got to talk about the whole experience. I'll try to get the pictures here tomorrow and tell you guys the story. |
You can just have the pics as attachments to your post CG :) you need to be in full reply mode, not quick reply...if you scroll down you'll see an 'attach files' box...then a 'manage attachments' button... Hit that and you can upload from your PC there, assuming it's within the prescribed limits of size (you'll see them there when you upload). There may be a way to attach more than one file per post but I've never done it lol do just start a new post for each pic if there's not too many D |
Evening all :) Just coming to the end of day 8 :dance6: I'm not quite sure how I've done it but I have. Apart from the evening cravings between 4-8pm I haven't missed it. Just feel so tired a lot of the time but I suppose thats normal. CG looking forward to seeing the pics and hearing all about your experience. Nands hows your day going? Dee & PD :grouphug: |
CG ... I can't wait to see the pics and hear the story. I know Soozies death was very hard for you, and relate after having Connie die in February (although for different reasons I'm guessing...but death is death regardless of the how (hug)). It's so weird to get older and start to see death happening to people you know. Because we are all in contact with alkie/addicts...we probably see more of it earlier than some. I know it's just the cycle of life...if we are born we will die. But it sometimes gets a bit freaky. What is awesome is that soozie has inspired you in your sobriety. Connie did the same thing for me. I still miss her. But I also know that I was lucky to have her in my life for the time I did and that is a "blessing". I feel we are blessed by every interaction we have with each other. As I was once told... "people come in to your life for a while and then they go". I can focus on the "then they go" part and suffer (which I do at times) or I can focus on the joy of having people a part of my life for whatever time they can be. How lucky am I to have the people I have had travel with me! "blessed" is the best word I know to describe it. Looking forward to your pics if you can figure it out...but if not...just having you share what you do is good enough (hug). Nands |
Pix! Day 8 is awesome!!!!!! I'm betting you are past the worst of some of this :) The challenges shift and change but you really have done awesome in getting through this first part! I'm still struggling with the tired and then the not able to sleep thing....but I have to remember that's ok. I'm getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night and although that isn't really sufficient for me, it's not at a level that I need to have medical help. If it doesn't straighten out or gets too bad I will talk to the dr. and get some medication to get me back on a proper sleep schedule. that has worked in the past and I'm not afraid of taking medically indicated meds. Lack of sleep can kill (per my Dr) in indirect ways...depression, bad driving, etc. Obviously since I'm posting at 3 am it is a bit of an issue, but tonight is the worst I've had since the first week of detox...I'm figuring a blip in the road. I had an attack of "moral indignation" yesterday....someone doing what we call "double dipping". Submitted for reimbursement for travel expenses that were paid by her home department...but since she isn't being honest about things...well we didn't know we were double paying something. I have worked hard at this job to remember that I am NOT the moral compass for the department or for anyone. It's simply an allowable payment or not. But inside I am horrified when I see this sort of thing...pssed off to see someone double submit expenses... I'm going to try and sleep for a few hours now. I woke up at about 1am and I'm learning how to judge when I'm not going to go back to sleep...then I try to get up and do something...post, watch TV, do some dishes....and then go back to bed later when I'm more relaxed. I got a lot of work done yesterday, but didn't get some stuff done that needs to be done. I'm sorta ok with that...I can only do what I can do and like I said I got a lot done...just not the thing I wanted to get done lol Today is a new day and I have a plan...but I will expect the unexpected and roll with how the day unfolds :) Hope you have a good day :ring |
I'm struggling ... but still sober. I hyperventilated after a meeting today (but no one saw) and then burst into tears. I know I have to change...but I don't know if I can. I take doing everything to help people at work real seriously...but it means I take on to much...which puts me in danger of collapsing and drinking....ok I know that's an excuse. But I have to find a way to stop taking on the "elephant". I talked to mom a bit (trying to down play how hard it is cause she doesn't need that). I'm going to go to chat and try to vent a bit. My house is clean and I'm sober. I just get scared I won't be able to keep this going. My professors are supportive of how hard things are work wise, but as a professional I try to be sure I don't lean too heavy on them. I just keep coming back to this feeling like a moral issue that I'm somehow being a wooze. I don't know....I'm confused. For tonight ... I've put my car keys in my son's hands (which he doesn't need to deal with) and I'm gonna try and decompress. I think I may be the oldest of us. I've been fighting this a long time and I'm not willing to go down again. I still have health issues even when I'm sober (as I know others of you do). feeling sorry for myself won't help. I need to buck up and do the deal (put my big girl pants on). I guess I just have to MAKE A DESISION to NOT DRINK...no matter what. That seems to be the bottom line. Sorry to whine, but better to whine the actually go to the liquor store! I think I'm safe for tonight, but really worried about doing this deal long term :( |
Can you delegate some of the workload Nands? D |
That is what I have to work on... We are a 2 person office. When I delegate to the other person, she checks back every little step of the process and it just doesn't seem to work. She isn't independent and lacks the confidence to just take it on. I have permission to hire a student hourly, but I'm really a poor person at choosing the right employees...has never worked well. But! On the bright side! I did hire one really good employee once and did delegate A LOT to her (mostly cause at that time I was off on family medical leave and missed 3 months twice in about 18 months...so she had to do it). I stayed home and cried for several hours and so woke up sober but shaking with some anxiety. I have always struggled with that when I get discouraged I go supper down...I get paranoid...I emotionally react inapproprietly. But it actually only lasts 6 hours tops...but I've learned you can destroy relationships and really create havoc in 6 hours (LOL). My boss has really helped by taking the lead on some of the budget stuff (which is my favorite part, but something he is capable of doing with very little help from me) and several professors will be placing their own orders and getting reimbursed IF I tell them it's ok...I'll do that today. I even think I may be developing a new face to face friendship with the woman who came to clean my house with her husband. You probably remember my "drunk housekeeper" time (and Rach died from this disease about 6 months after I had to fire her). This couple are not drinkers and seem like just steady nice people. The wife has emailed me several times now and said that she hopes we will stay in contact :) OK ... gotta go try and clean up some work emails so I'll be a bit less overwhelmed when I go in this morning. Thanks for being here Dee. I know you know it matters (hug) |
Not always sure I do much LOL but always glad to be here Nands :) D |
God I'm so screwed ... I've struggled for months with difficulties getting in chat...now I'm in crises and can't get in... I'm sure I'll be fine but boy do I need to talk :( ok ... I'll try it one more try. sorry to be a pain. Sober but struggling to not give up...(and as said before I just have to wait out the 6 hour mind fck lol ) |
I hope you got in Nands. The usual problem is your version of Java - sometimes using a different browser helps? D |
I'm ok ... just over reacting as usual...I'll check back in the morning (hug) thanks for caring. |
Have a good night Nands :hug: D |
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