LonelyShadow

10 hour shift then hit the gym, absolutly knackered but it feels great!

Just found out I'll be starting my voluntary work experience at the gym on Tuesday, so I'll essentially be working two jobs at the same time. I'm confident I can handle this as the gym position is my absolute dream career, so with a little experience plus the qualification i'm getting soon should start me in the right direction, it's ALL thanks to sobriety.

Girls at work have been a nightmare trying to convince me to come out at weekends and saying that my not-drinking is 'Boring', but I don't care really, I've made my choices and that's the last word. Whenever I find myself questioning my sobriety, I play my tape and shudder at the consequences, great little tool that one.

Hope all are well out there!

Stay strong friends.

tornrealization

Good job for not listening to the pressure of being boring. I've heard that one before. Honestly a drinker won't care after they've had a couple what you're up too.

gleefan

Hi Febbies

Torn - how was your women's AA meeting? I hope you felt comfortable there, and like you could relate to people.

DiggingIn - I find sobriety easier when I have structure and plans. You sound like an ambitious gardener/landscaper. I can't remember to water houseplants, never mind the complicated stuff.

LS - Work socializing can be tricky, but as I understand it, you are feeling isolated, right? It's got to be flattering that your coworkers like you and want to include you in their after hours social life. Why are you saying no? Are you offended that they are accusing you of being boring? Are they not the type of people you enjoy spending time with? Do you think spending time with them would trigger you to drink? Is there something different that the group could do? Good job not drinking. I'm glad that playing the tape through is working for you.


I had a rough week at work, especially the last couple of days. Tonight was my book club meeting. It's really more of a social event than a literary one. Last time I had a Friday evening social gathering at the end of a difficult week, I got so drunk that I wasn't making sense at the end of the night, then came home and passed out on my kitchen floor. Tonight was different. I talked a little but about what happened, then enjoyed the good company of my book club pals for the rest of the night. I'm home, sober and awake way later than I ever was while drinking, doing one of my favorite things - catching up on sr friends.

Gazza

Checking in sober but lonley. Ill get used to it. House seems empty without my SO.

Glad your book club went well Glee.

All will be well
G

Dee74

It takes some getting used to but you will Gazza. 6 weeks is not that long, in the end

D

LonelyShadow

GF Yeah it's great to be included in a social group again, the only issue is that the culture of 'going into town' on a weekend is ENTIRELY about the alcohol, with a huge effort of will I could probably attend and not drink, but it would be very uncomfortable and I don't want to risk it. But don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to be making new friends and I'm sure soon I'll be able to attend the smaller, sober social activities that must happen here and there!

Sorry to hear it's been a rough week Hope you're well!

Gazza

Dee I have no idea how you keep track of all the different people in all the different threads. I cant even keep a track of just this one! Hats off to ya. Seriously.

SleepyDots

Hi all! Just checking in. Still doing good here, I'm at 2 months and 2 days sober. I have been busy with my kids activities, running, and gardening. I do container gardening on our back deck, right now I've got lettuces, radishes, sugar snap peas, basil, and carrots all going strong, in a couple of weeks I will plant tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, and maybe squash. It has been so fun to get back into it. I am always in awe when things grow for me, I could just stare at my plants, inspecting every little leaf and vine, for hours. I find it so calming.

gleefan

Hi Febbies!

Sd - your gardening sounds nice!

LS - I'm well, thanks for asking. If the work situation unfolded when I was drinking, it would have given me ample "reasons" to drink. But, drinking at book club didn't cross my mind. I've spent the past couple of months recalibrating my responses to my life's situations, and yesterday I knew what I needed was to be with people who care about me and appreciate me, where I could vent a little, then get my mind off it. Book club is just that.

What happened was I started this job seven months ago. In my previous job I was a teacher and supervisor at a small childcare center. I was laid off due to lack of enrollment, and within two weeks was offered a job at the top rated center in my small community. Folks have been there "for years" and were used to doing things "their way". The thing is, because of my experience, I know all the tricks and tactics that staff use to cut corners, and watched as they manipulated the system to their gain while the crap fell on me. I am friendly to work with, and am willing to have some give and take, but I assert my rights when they are consistently stepped on.

I just want to have a good day, do our work, laugh a little, and have a fair and balanced workload. I'm a friendly and chatty person by nature, but at work, I feel awkward making even the simplest small talk with my coworkers. There's nothing quantifiably wrong, it's just a "sense" I feel. Many of them get together outside of work, and I just figured that my awkwardness came from not being part of their social circle.

This week I had to assert my rights a couple of times, for the same types of situations as I spoke about above. I found out that the reason I feel awkward is because ....(drumroll).... my peers don't like me and spend a great deal of time complaining about me to each other.

For an insecure person like me with a pathological fear of missing out, this would have broken me to pieces as recently as a couple of months ago. I would have self destructed.

I admit I tossed around the notion of confronting a few of these coworkers. It passed quickly. Confrontation won't help me achieve the ends I'm hoping for -- to have a good day, to do my work, to laugh a little, and to not take on an unfair workload. To not devolve into confrontation marks MAJOR personal growth. This growth is 100% the result of conversations I've participated in and advice I've received on SR over the past two and a half months. I'm glad I got over my initial discomfort in talking about myself because of my "high bottom", opened up to you all, and felt worthy of asking for help.

tornrealization

Glee The new guy at work takes a hit and the guy who wants the fairness or a rule follower. I am glad you are asserting yourself, and I'm sorry that you learned they are talking behind your back. It is one of those things we are supposed to shrug off and not worry about. I can't imagine why people wouldn't like your work ethic. I'm glad you aren't drinking. Work is so many hours of our day, we have to try and be happy.

tornrealization

I think I've had drinking on my mind, the relapse plan for weeks now. Last night I went to the women's AA, nobody there. I drove past again, saw two cars with drivers in them five minutes before meeting. Decided something was off, left. Went to eats. Mexican food place was filled. Went to Jimmy Johns, they made my sandwich wrong, ok. Then a girl my hubby knows walks in, doesn't know me. I leave embarrassed. Decide, eff this, I'll go to another meeting. Drive out to different town thirty minutes away, no lights, no cars. I wait in car and get text from hub to fix his brothers PC. I hate doing tech support outside of work. It's angry text cause PC I never agreed to fix has been in our house four weeks. I drive by the AA house again, five minutes till, nobody. I didn't get the memo AA was cancelled this Friday night. I go home to bed, angry. Oh and my back did something weird where I'm in great pain walking.

Saturday comes. Hubby came home last night and tried to talk to me with beer breath. We go to breakfast and I painfully walk. Try another AA, it's a sober house and like two cars there. Hubby is going to beerfest I paid for.

Bored, tired,angry. I had tried to find friends today, all are moms, work weekend jobs or my best bud, new boyfriend, already said, she's busy for next many weeks.

I got a case of the eff it's, I'm guilty feeling, but not, but I started drinking. I'm promising myself it's just today and it hope it's horrible so I learn, but for now I feel ok the it. There goes forty five days. Feels like I'm not happy sober or drunk. Hopefully the rest of the group is doing better.

gleefan

Torn,

It sounds like there are a lot of difficult factors that led you here. Since drinking isn't making you feel any happier, would you consider pouring it out?

You don't need to have a horrible experience while drinking in order to learn to quit. This doesn't need to be a horrible binge.

casinva

Torn, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. How frustrating that you were trying to get to a meeting and none were available! I wish I had some words of wisdom for you..... Just know I'm thinking about you and hoping you're OK.

bobquin

Torn, I appreciate the honesty of your post. Everything you listed after the words above explicitly spell out how your AV (sadly) eventually won out.

Sending good thoughts your way, and I hope that you manage to get back on track. Nothing can take those 45 days of sobriety away from you. If you decide to go back to AA, I'd strongly suggest that you find a sponsor...having one could have made a critical difference for you in the past day or so.

Be well.

SoberLeigh

Hey sweet torn. I am so sorry to be catching this post late. You made a really valiant effort to locate an AA meeting; you recognized a relapse at your door and tried to escape it; how frustrating, discouraging and maddening that no meetings could be found.

Torn, those 45 days are yours and you worked courageously to obtain them. They are yours and will be a foundation for future sober time.

Would you consider throwing away the rest of whatever it is that you are drinking? As glee has already said, this doesn't have to be a prolonged, horrible binge.

We are all crazy about you, torn. Let us help you.

SayAnything

I'm so sorry, Torn. Sounds like an awful couple of days. You really reached out for support and didn't find any in the meetings. Maybe if you let your friend(s) knew how much you need them right now, they would have made time. Sorry your friend's new boyfriend gets to decide for her what she does. Sounds like a putz.

I hope you'll start over again from here on out. 45 day is a great foundation! I'll be thinking of you.

rudy68

I'm sorry Torn but you drinking does not negate the 45 days you didn't. Just start again. Problems don't disappear when we're sober that's the big disappointment. Thinking of you!

DiggingIn

Sorry Torn, we are all here for you. You are strong and have come so far, don't let this slip define you.

courage2

Hi Febs, I lost track of this thread for a bit. I hope no one minds if my check-ins here are a bit randomly timed.

I have 82 days now -- when I had 80 days last time around, a little more than a year ago, was when my mother died. That's a weird thought. The best I can say for anyone who has recently gone back to drink or drugs is, you don't have to live that way. If you want to quit, you can, even if you've tried and failed countless times. Don't stop seeking and getting help -- SR, AA, NA, counseling, whatever it takes.

((Torn)), I just read your experience yesterday and drinking today. God do I ever know the eff-its. That's the worst -- the feeling that it really doesn't matter, you don't matter, no one will care or even notice. I'm sorry the feeling got to you. The only solution to the eff-its is to throw yourself harder into sober connections, in any way you can.

Soberleigh, I'm glad you're feeling better. I don't quite understand this thing about waiting to do AA with your sister. I'd just say, if it's something that can help you, don't wait. When I was active, I told myself I was waiting to go to AA until they started holding meetings in a church a block from my work LOL. When I admitted that I really had a problem I couldn't solve alone, I just took my butt to a meeting. Wherever. (Fortunately, I have to admit, in NYC they're everywhere & all the time.)

Gleefan, I'm glad that you seem to be making steady progress working through some of your stuff. I'm a big fan of baby steps. Asserting your self without confrontation is HUGE and I hope you rewarded yourself with a nice latte or whatever's your pleasure. I think at work, over the long haul, it's not about making friends but about earning respect. If the organization is a good one, you & the co-workers who last will learn to tolerate personalities and recognize each other's expertise and professionalism.

Lonely, volunteering at the gym sounds excellent if it will put you on the path to a career you want -- and you can always use it as an excuse to those girls at work with their "borings"

Gazza, I sympathize with you on the alone time, that's a hard thing for me. What kinds of plans for extra support do you have? I think it's important just to find positive, interesting (and preferably tiring) things to fill some of those extra hours.

For the rest of the Febs, I'm still getting to know this crew, but I wish you all the best!

Dee74

Hey Torn

I think when we make our recovery dependent on other people...the counsellor, the IOP programme, whether people are there at meetings...it's almost like creating an 'out' for when folks let you down..

That AV is a crafty SOB.

I just want to remind you that there is always support here, there are people who will listen and who want to help

Whatever you're drinking 'at' right now - it's not gonna work.

I really hope you decide to ditch the rest. You deserve to be treated well - by yourself most of all.

D