Sparkos

How are things today Toddle?
Hope you're OK.
I'm still out of sorts. Annoyed with myself and wishing I could erase that stupid drunken mistake. It wasn't even that strong a craving. I just got a thought into my head that I wanted vodka and drove 20 minutes to get it. Opened it before I even got back into my car and drank a good slug as if my life depended on it.

Such madness.

I know that negative thoughts don't help, but they are there, so denying their existence is futile.
Reading Bimini, Calichris, Ilya, Mr F, Kimsfriend, Armitage, Aarry and others who are doing well helps (I think). Well it should, but sometimes it just highlights my failure.

Look, I'm just spiffing. For goodness sake don't stop sharing everything, success or otherwise.

I WILL get back to a better frame of mind. Just got to get through those early days of poo again. Remember them............ Insomnia, brain fog, insecurity, feelings of self loathing, helplessness, oh god this is too hard I'm never going to do this etc. etc. etc

Please don't take that first sip (thought), friends.

Sparkos

Oh, and Discovery too. My bad

calichris

Good morning on day 35 here Marchers.

I have lots of posts to catch up on but I will have to do so later. Right now I am packing for my business trip. Thank God it is only 2 nights this week at the old trigger hotel (Tennis hotel, sorry -- my sober brain is being re-wired ) .

I did glance at a few posts and Bimini thanks so much for your 40 day post. So beautifully put!

Sparkos, regarding your comment : "Reading Bimini, Calichris, Ilya, Mr F, Kimsfriend, Armitage, Aarry and others who are doing well helps (I think). Well it should, but sometimes it just highlights my failure."
...Sparkos, I just have to say that the AV will try to make you drink by "comparing" you to others. (we are only human... you can always find something in someone else's posts which may want to make you fail or succeed. Learn from mistakes and choose success. You deserve it!) Just focus on you, one day at a time. It adds up and your confidence will add up too. I still face some challenging days (usually the evenings after work during my business trips away from home), but then I RUN to SR and get my cravings down from the danger zone back down to Earth.

I love you all ! Sorry I did not have time to catch up on the other posts yet.. I know there must be some great ones.

Have a blessed day! -Chris

biminiblue

Sparkos, I've had many a day where I didn't feel all that great, and I've posted about my struggles here too. It isn't easy, but it is worth it.

I don't want to go back to that day on March 4th when I was weaning myself off the alcohol and still felt like the biggest loser on the planet every minute of every day. I felt I had wasted the last four years of my life being out of it. (I had.) I really did feel like I wanted to die, and like I was on the verge of losing my home and my mind.

It was really difficult to stop. Had I not been so broken I would not have done it. I was on my knees broken. Maybe you are not there - yet. I pray you never are; it was a very dark place. I want to remember that and I want to remember how absolutely terrifyingly awful I felt in the first ten days after I stopped. How easy it would have been for me to drown that terror in more alcohol. Luckily I was going to two AA meetings a day and that kept me sane. AA meetings are extremely difficult, no two ways around that, but I have to be there right now. It is in my face just how much I stand to lose or gain. I still have problems with some people in the program but just like real life I have to learn to deal with them as they are.

I hope none of you continue to struggle, but I had to get to the place where I felt I could drink no more. That place is different for each person.

Sparkos

Spell checker don't know hip hop.

MrFixit63

Hello everyone how are you today?

Sparky I am glad you're back I have done the same thing I think we all have that's why we all show up. everyday next time you find yourself on the drive to the liquor store just pull over take a couple deep thoughts think about us and turn and go to the ice cream shop instead

Bimini as always great post I remember being in the same place I hope I never go back I hope I lost the directions.


Aarry I think I had a stroke by proxy looking at that great meal you ate yesterday.

Ilya I wish I could have the dedication that you have for your personal workouts and running hopefully you'll finally get everything straightened out with the printer.

Calchris I hope you have a great fun and sober trip at the tennis Hotel.


Toddle beautiful picture you're very breathtaking.

PS Aarry after that breakfast I would have been sleeping in the bookstore instead of hanging out.

KimsFriend

I can relate to this.
Sparkos - I have been struggling through this sobriety - this is the first time I have attempted to truly quit drinking in over 20 years. 23 days is the longest I have ever gone in those years - and that counts when I was pregnant.
I have some really tough moments. Sobbing, soul-crushing moments. The emotions that are bubbling to the surface after being sedated for so long are unbearable at times. Literally - brings me to my knees.
But thanks to AA, when I land on my knees, I am now praying to my higher power. For me, this is what is getting me through. (I know AA is not for everyone - and I would never push one method of recovery over another. I am just relaying what is working for me.)

This weekend was full of tests for me. We had 3 social/ family dinners in a row. Those were always my favorite excuses for getting completely wasted - especially the two that we held at our house.
But long before the first guest arrived, I was on my knees praying to my higher power to help keep me sober. Just for today - just for that dinner. It felt good to have someone on my side. And whether or not a person believes is not my worry - I am still sober today. That is all the proof I need.
Because 23 days ago - I could not do it on my own.

So lots of love from here. Some day the clouds will be lifted for all of us. Some day we will no longer have to have these long conversations about the cravings and the loneliness and the shame. Some day. Not today - but some day.

InsertNameHere

Hey everyone, I just figured I would offer a word of encouragment to some fellow Marchers. I joined the March 2012 class and stuck with that group after a few failures, even so my sobriety date is Jan 2013. I am a slow learner I guess lol as it took me more than a year, probably a year and a half to finally quit drinking. However I got here though I am a year plus sober now and it is totally worth it. Here's hoping you all don't have to stumble in and out like I did but if you do, as they say, don't quit quiting. Its probably the hardest thing I have ever done but I very much enjoy my new way of living and thinking. Hang in there guys and gals, it gets better, even if it gets worse it gets better.

This has been a random message of encouragment from a complete stranger lol

Sparkos

As I've posted before, I have been to AA on numerous times and a 12 step residential recovery programming.
It's not that I haven't tried. I am really envious of the way a number of you have a relationship with god or a higher power.

I simply don't feel it!

Step 1 admitted we were powerless over alcohol...... No question, absolutely!
Step 2 came to believe that a power greater than ourselves. ........ Failing now!
Step 3 turned our will over to the above power that I couldn't find...... You've lost me.

I reiterate I am envious. I am in no way belittling your strength over mine, nor in any way criticising any belief system. I truly wish I could share it.

But, I will continue to share and, if I may, take strength from you.

Peace

MrFixit63

Sparky your higher power does not have to be a God or an Idol it can be anything that gives you inner peace and strength.

Sparkos

Yeah, I know all the platitudes.
But, how on earth can I turn my own free will over to something that I simply don't acknowledge???????
I won't say anymore on this as I don't want to discourage anybody.

My best to you all.

No more on this please.

Dee74

I'm going to ignore your request Sparkos- not because I want to annoy you but because the HP is something a lot of people get stuck on, and discussing it might help someone else.

You can skip this post if you like - I have absolutely no agenda to make you do anything

I didn't 'do' AA ...but I had to accept that I wasn't the greatest power in the Universe...if I was, everyone was in trouble because I'd really messed up my life.

I wasn't sold on the God idea either - not then. I had a lot of resentment for my Catholic upbringing.

But...I found a higher power - the love and support I found here...or some people find in AA, or SMART or any of the other meeting based groups.

It made a difference to me

D

biminiblue

I'm going to continue on this discussion because I think it is a big sticking point for a lot of people and a block for many who would benefit from AA or some other spiritual secular program.

I wasn't thrilled with the whole idea either. The "God" I was raised to believe in was punitive and harsh. But that God was taught to me by other people, they had their own agenda. I'm an adult now and able to formulate my own belief system.

I also know that even the staunchest believers still have free will. No one can ever take that from anyone else. I just choose to align my will with what I believe is the Power Of Good. God/Good, same difference. In AA the power is often described as Good Orderly Direction. It can also be seen as the group consciousness of AA or Humanity in general. I think we all want the best for our fellow man. I know I want the best for all of you and for myself as well. I don't totally understand the world and life, it's a mystery. That's how I see God. It's a mystery. I don't understand it and my conception of God changes frequently but I know it to be a benevolent force for my good. When I align myself toward the good, good things happen.

There are some great thoughts about this here on SR, long discussions.

Here is a good blog post from an agnostic - it's all sciency and stuff:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...96-step-3.html

Sparkos

Crikey, Dee.
I genuinely hope you don't misunderstand my wish not to talk about the HP/god issue.
It seems to me that the people who've succeeded better in our March class are people who have embraced this, or at least not dismissed the idea, and it is most certainly not my wish to make anybody who has come this far to question their beliefs at this early, tentative stage.

I do note the lack of responses tonight.

I was just hoping that it was not my post that had caused this.

biminiblue

It's the middle of the day here in Merica.

And it's Spring here in the Northern Hemisphere.

Mostly people are outside for the first time in six months, Sparko.


You can't scare me off my beliefs from your keyboard halfway across the globe.

xox

Aarryckha

I just got a computer up and running so I'm trying to catch up on the thread here.

Sparkos, I'm not doing a 12 step plan either. It doesn't make sense to me. The higher power thing is something I struggle with also. I started reading the Rational Recovery book and so far, that's made sense to me.

You have to find what works for you. Just because it may not be the way most people chose, doesn't mean it won't work for you.

Edit: I also don't follow a conventional belief system either.

calichris

I am a hybrid situation... in other words I happen to believe in God but I do not attend AA. I do however strongly know that something outside of me must be involved with my staying away from drinking alcohol. I find that the SR support and certain meetings (like the Lifering meeting I attended) to be critical to my success. If I leave it all up to me alone, I may get by for sometime on not drinking but eventually I will succumb to the AV that is trying to trick me 24/7. Without the global support I get from you all, I would never have made it past the first 15-20 days which for me were the hardest. Tonight I expect there to be temptations at my hotel after work and tennis and I will RUN (not walk) to my computer and log in to SR to get the support I need to stay away from that dreaded first drink which steers us so rapidly to the person we all don't want to be.

biminiblue

I think only KimsFriend and I are doing AA in this thread.

Definitely not the only show in town. I just need humans right now. They have the most meetings and the most opportunity for me to meet people. I don't agree with every single thing said in every meeting and people being people, they all have different interpretations of a simple program, so there is lots of room for everyone.

Each of us has to work our own recovery: even in a group setting it's still an inside job. The meetings are one hour a day out of 24, lots of time to get it right or screw it up.

biminiblue

Chris, I was on the way to a meeting at 9:30 this morning. I drove by a store with huge "Buy LIQUOR here" signs. Dangit if I didn't want to swing right in there.

Sunny day, sounds like time for - - - NO!!!

Dee74

Oh, I wasn't having a go at you Sparkos

I don't 'do' AA myself but the HP issue is a sticking point for a lot of people.

I wanted to throw my 2cents in but I didn't want to annoy you in doing it.

I think there's a variety of approaches in this thread - the common denominator is a desire to stay clean/sober.

What you add to that, in the way of support to make it easier for you, is entirely up to the individual

I don't think you've run anybody off or annoyed anyone sparkos.

I think you should lighten up on yourself a little, actually

You drank. Now you're back.

think about what you need to add to your own personal programme and get down to it
D