Croissant

Congrats on 9 months Leshar. Forgot to mention that. (I just reread the post where Bob questioned that he didn't realise you were pregnant - hilarious Bob!)

Leshar

Oh, Croissant,

What a beautiful blossom! Thank you so much, it brightened my day and I need this.

I'm feeling a bit sad and lonely and going thru a phase of intensely missing my husband. These waves of grief come and go, and thankfully, I am now at a stage where I recognize I will pass thru it and that I don't have to drink over it.

I had a poor rehearsal yesterday, flubbed my lines, forgot my movements across the stage. I just felt off. Then getting off the bus on a Friday night, and seeing people being met, hugged, I just felt an aching sadness, remembering the times my hb used to meet me off the bus.

I miss the quiet togetherness we had. Sometimes, even with good friends its just too much stimulation. I miss just being able to "be" with someone who totally gets me, and I can relax and be quiet and feel like I've just put on some comfy jammies and slippers.
I do feel privileged to have had that experience, though. Many ppl never know this joy in a relationship.

I'm meeting my gf for lunch. I don't think I will put up with too much of her complaining though. I'm trying to breathe and centre myself. I don't want to lose it and get cross with her.
I guess at the end of the day, we are all alone.
I'm learning and growing as I continue on this journey. I am getting better at rallying. Hurts pass. There is still a beautiful unexplored world out there!

Oh on that note, Croissant, you are most welcome to visit me in Canada! I do think you'd tire of snow quite quickly though!

Thanks, guys, I appreciate this forum to share my ups and downs. It would be mighty lonely without you all!

Leshar

I had a nice visit with my friend. It was good. We laughed. Good food.

So why I am beside myself with anguished loneliness? There are things on in town tonight that I would love to go to, a good play, a musician that I like, but I just am tired of going to so many things alone. I'm mired this aft in regrets about the past, wasting my education.

I do hope I'm not spiralling down into another depressive episode.

SnoozyQ

Leshar , you are not spiralling sweetheart .

It's ok to feel sad and to grieve .

You relationship with your husband sounds lovely , keep him close , he's alwYs there in your heart :-)

Remember those fond things like him meeting you at the bus and smile . What a lovely man .

Tell us more about him , what did he do , how long were you married . It's normal to feel sad honey .

We are all here for you , every day , any time you need us .

We love you xxx

Leshar

Aww, Snoozy, thank you so much, dear friend.

Larry was a true gentleman. I will never know his like again. He knew I would struggle with loneliness after he died. He left me a card which he wanted me to find after his death, and it had a cartoon in it that he'd cut out of the paper, with a lion saying "The worst thing about loneliness is that you have to deal with it all by yourself". I look at this from time to time, and I know I have to just struggle through, but you know, I don't feel as if I have to deal with it completely alone thanks to you wonderful people!

I know too that he worried about me becoming an alcoholic after his death, and he was right to be worried, although really, I'd been an alcoholic for some time before that, but just denied the whole thing as I was "high functioning", haha, what bs!

Anyway, he was a good man and it was a gift in my life to have known him for just over 15 years, and I'm so happy that I was able to care for him at home and be with him as he took his last breath.
I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of the terrible pain of depression which makes me feel as if I want to die to just not experience that torment.
I'm doing my best at the moment. I know I will rally, just feel out of sorts the last day or two. Thanks, Snoozy, it feels good that you have buoyed me up by saying that you don't think I'm spiralling down.

I just a cringe inducing moment viewing my DVD from my acting class, but as I replayed it, I actually got a chuckle out of it! Heck, we gotta laugh at ourselves, and never lose our sense of humour!!
Love you guys, ta so much dear Snoozy!

Dee74

I don't think you are either Leshar

I conditioned myself over a lot of years to see being sad, or down, or blue as something bad - it was a clarion call for me to apply booze.

Now I know it's just another feeling, and bad feelings can pass as easily and as quickly as good ones

D

Leshar

Thank you, Dee, I know you are right, and I will pass through this phase and good times will be again!

Croissant

Oh Leshar....I just woke up and have cried my eyes out over your post about your husband (this did turn into hysterical laughter by the time I got to the end and read about your audition video .)

I'm so sorry you've felt off. Grief comes in all sorts of waves and is different for everyone. You know that. And, it's better to feel it let it pass over, like you say. If it makes you feel better I've randomly cried every morning this week over losing my stepmother. Not the same as a partner, for sure, but just saying grief is random sometimes! it would come like a wave, I'd cry my guts out, then go about my day...I think that was part of the sadness - life relentlessly goes on, and some days you just want to scream that something really horrible happened and life just isn't the same. But you've said it, you just have to keep going.

I'm wondering how long is it since your husband passed away, Leshar?

resolute50

Leshar,

It's funny how depression can wash over all of us like that.
We can have everything going for us and that ole feeling just comes all of a sudden.
I will get really quiet and kind of retract for a while.
But, eventually I'll think of something funny that has happened in the past. Or the feeling will just lift as soon as it came.

We just recently got a WII fit game for my daughter's WiiU.
OMG, there is nothing like having a machine tell you that you're overweight and your sense of balance sucks.lol
I couldn't stop laughing while doing the Yoga. Well,maybe I will actually try doing it again...maybe.
I decided to refinish my daughter's hardwood bedroom floor. So I tackled sanding that all day with a random orbit sander.
So screw you Wii,I got my exercise anyways.

Anyways, I hope all the ladies here are doing well this fine night/day.
And the guys, wherever you are.
If anybody wants to chat I'll be checking back here on and off tonight.
Take care everybody.

And Leshar, cheer up my friend.
We're all beating up on a terrible addiction that we were slaves to.
That is an awesome accomplishment.

resolute50

Oh Croissant,

I that a hibiscus?
The reason I ask is because while I was driving to the local home improvement store I noticed a bumper sticker with what looked like that flower.
And my wife said "hhhhmmmmm that's a hibiscus flower on the sticker".

Croissant

Yes Bob, it's a Hibiscus flower. They do quite well in hotter areas of Australia. Every second house used to have them just about, where I grew up in Queensland, next to the sea.

I just always think of them as happy flowers, Island holidays...ha! And I think Leshar likes hot pink, so yeah...seemed appropriate. Funny you saw one...must have been sending my positive vibes all the way over there!

Do we need to go on a recruiting drive for some males, Bob...apart from Dee, that is. Maybe we need a "Class of July", recruiting now, thread??

resolute50

Nah, I'm very happy with the people that hang out in the class.
I am definitely not complaining about being the only guy.

SnoozyQ

Hi lovelies

I had to take my ipad into work now we have wifi to check in on you on my lunch break Leshar you sound a lot better love xx

See all this love in the room , from lovely Crois , Dee and Bob ;-)
You will NEVER be alone again .

Lol I've snuck into the chapel - for a brief moment I'm sure i felt the pillars crumbling and lightening out the corner of my eye! It's been a Long time since I've prayed to god .

But i feel a sense of peace and serenity in here ( and a bit of naughtiness ) cos its a good hiding place ...muhahaha .

;-) xx

SnoozyQ

For you Leshar and all my Julyers xx i love you all muchly :-)

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SnoozyQ

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SnoozyQ

Holy crap ! I cant post pictures for shittt ...sorry guys better do an exorcist and turn your heads 360 degrees !

Better be offski before they send out a search party ...hehehe xxxx

Dee74

D

Croissant

Too cute Snoozy.

I had to lie my iPad flat on the sofa then stand up and move around to read it. But worth the effort. :*

SnoozyQ

Hahahaha Crois ;-)))) xx

Leshar

Oh, Snoozy, you darling girl! You are so sweet, and thoughtful. I absolutely love the prayer. I copied it, and rotated it, and this picture now graces my ipad as my screensaver.
You have the loveliest handwriting!

I had to laugh about us doing an "Exorcist" routine, too funny!

I'm like you, not religious, but there is something soothing about being in a holy place like a church, and I have a wonderful sense memory of the smell of incense lingering about many churches. I love to visit churches when I travel and even genuflect like a good Catholic! Although, somewhat like you, I ponder if I might receive a smite from above for my lapsed Catholic ways!

Oh, you guys are the best, I feel like this place is such a safe haven to share and be supported, support where I may.

Croissant, you're right, I do love hot pink! And I especially love the hibiscus. Is this in your garden?

I do feel for you regarding your grief and sadness about the loss of your beloved step mother. It is all so raw for you. It does sound as though you're managing well though, given all that is going on in your life at present.
My husband died 7 years ago, this past February. You're right, and Bob too, the emotions arise unexpectedly sometimes, I could be sad or happy at the time, it doesn't matter.
What I do know, is that I complicated my healing all these years by drinking over my loss.
I can't undo that, no point in lamenting the past. The best we can do is to remain mindful, be present, and create new healthy supports. Like you guys! I do feel blessed that you are in my life!

Oh Bob, you're a card! I'm still chuckling over the idea of the game telling you you're overweight. How's the speedo diet going?!
Seriously, yoga and meditation are marvellous and do help with inner and outer balance.

I'm feeling much better today. I'm seeing a pattern. Saturdays alone seriously suck, for some reason, over and above any other day, so I need to plan around this and do things which may distract me of a Saturday!

Thanks again, sweet Snoozy, you're a darlin' girl. (Ever thought about stand up!)