Class of September 2013 - Part 28
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by LillianGish 
OK, so you're eight hours behind me. No need to lose sleep over this. 
So the answer is quite simple....I'm on here at night after children go to bed....let's say oh.....10 pm Pacific USA. That would be 2:00 pm Strailya time. Right after lunch just *poof* you could think...new thread time!
Don't worry, I'll send you a reminder.
Aww, I just realized that would be after midnight for our friends eastward from me....tsk tsk...you guys would probably be in bed asleep. 
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I feel like the villain in the movies who always shares his secret evil plan of mayhem with the good guys - giving them plenty of time to thwart said evil plan.
So the answer is quite simple....I'm on here at night after children go to bed....let's say oh.....10 pm Pacific USA. That would be 2:00 pm Strailya time. Right after lunch just *poof* you could think...new thread time! Don't worry, I'll send you a reminder.
Aww, I just realized that would be after midnight for our friends eastward from me....tsk tsk...you guys would probably be in bed asleep. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I feel like the villain in the movies who always shares his secret evil plan of mayhem with the good guys - giving them plenty of time to thwart said evil plan.
It's that serious.
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
I've been having a rough time worrying about my mom. She and I are so close and now that our relationship is healing we are in a great place. So much is being revealed and we laugh and joke and sometimes cry and have meaningful conversations every time we talk.
She sees me getting better and I am grateful that I am sober and improving my life and that she is in my life.
I went to a meeting tonight after my writing class and the speaker was talking about his grandiosity and how he always had greater expectations of things than were realistic. He always felt entitled and like the world should hand things to him on a silver platter without him having to work hard.
I have always been the same way. I was a B- student because I could make those grades with zero effort. I always tried to take the easy way out or find the short cut and BS my way through life.
On the flip side, whenever things were going well and I came across one unanticipated obstacle or difficulty, I would self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
The thing about sobriety is that there is no easy way out. It takes hard work in order to have the quality of life that I want and I am realizing that hard work for a good quality of life applies across the board.
I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA which is "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him."
I have always wanted to have MY way and MY will. I still do. More and more I am trying to turn my will over to God's care. I genuinely believe that God will take care of me, even if it isn't in the way that I want.
I want my mom to live forever. If she were to die tomorrow, I would be DEVASTATED, but that does not mean that God doesn't care for me. It is God's will and not my own at work. It does not mean that I have to self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
I can get through difficult times with vigilance and faith and love and support. I just have to remember that.
She sees me getting better and I am grateful that I am sober and improving my life and that she is in my life.
I went to a meeting tonight after my writing class and the speaker was talking about his grandiosity and how he always had greater expectations of things than were realistic. He always felt entitled and like the world should hand things to him on a silver platter without him having to work hard.
I have always been the same way. I was a B- student because I could make those grades with zero effort. I always tried to take the easy way out or find the short cut and BS my way through life.
On the flip side, whenever things were going well and I came across one unanticipated obstacle or difficulty, I would self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
The thing about sobriety is that there is no easy way out. It takes hard work in order to have the quality of life that I want and I am realizing that hard work for a good quality of life applies across the board.
I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA which is "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him."
I have always wanted to have MY way and MY will. I still do. More and more I am trying to turn my will over to God's care. I genuinely believe that God will take care of me, even if it isn't in the way that I want.
I want my mom to live forever. If she were to die tomorrow, I would be DEVASTATED, but that does not mean that God doesn't care for me. It is God's will and not my own at work. It does not mean that I have to self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
I can get through difficult times with vigilance and faith and love and support. I just have to remember that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 225
Dearest Brooksie, it could have been me you were describing in that post; I really identified with it. This all becoming so much clearer without the wine brain clouding the issue. And combined with what Kane said when he talked about accepting negative emotions, rather than pushing them away, I feel with some practice there is great progress to be made. SR really is like therapy for me!
Cherish the time with your mum, it is beautiful to hear how your relationship is blossoming.
Lilian I do hope your children are feeling better today. It must be very stressful for you having to work when they are unwell.
Great poem PBC!
Cherish the time with your mum, it is beautiful to hear how your relationship is blossoming.
Lilian I do hope your children are feeling better today. It must be very stressful for you having to work when they are unwell.
Great poem PBC!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,178
Originally Posted by LillianGish
OK, so you're eight hours behind me. No need to lose sleep over this. So the answer is quite simple....I'm on here at night after children go to bed....let's say oh.....10 pm Pacific USA. That would be 2:00 pm Strailya time. Right after lunch just *poof* you could think...new thread time!
Don't worry, I'll send you a reminder. Aww, I just realized that would be after midnight for our friends eastward from me....tsk tsk...you guys would probably be in bed asleep.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I feel like the villain in the movies who always shares his secret evil plan of mayhem with the good guys - giving them plenty of time to thwart said evil plan.
Dee, I see you are about to hit 83,000 posts. That's amazing....truly...to think how many people you've helped.
So the answer is quite simple....I'm on here at night after children go to bed....let's say oh.....10 pm Pacific USA. That would be 2:00 pm Strailya time. Right after lunch just *poof* you could think...new thread time! Don't worry, I'll send you a reminder.
Aww, I just realized that would be after midnight for our friends eastward from me....tsk tsk...you guys would probably be in bed asleep. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I feel like the villain in the movies who always shares his secret evil plan of mayhem with the good guys - giving them plenty of time to thwart said evil plan.
Dee, I see you are about to hit 83,000 posts. That's amazing....truly...to think how many people you've helped.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,178
Originally Posted by Br00ksie
I've been having a rough time worrying about my mom. She and I are so close and now that our relationship is healing we are in a great place. So much is being revealed and we laugh and joke and sometimes cry and have meaningful conversations every time we talk.
She sees me getting better and I am grateful that I am sober and improving my life and that she is in my life.
I went to a meeting tonight after my writing class and the speaker was talking about his grandiosity and how he always had greater expectations of things than were realistic. He always felt entitled and like the world should hand things to him on a silver platter without him having to work hard.
I have always been the same way. I was a B- student because I could make those grades with zero effort. I always tried to take the easy way out or find the short cut and BS my way through life.
On the flip side, whenever things were going well and I came across one unanticipated obstacle or difficulty, I would self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
The thing about sobriety is that there is no easy way out. It takes hard work in order to have the quality of life that I want and I am realizing that hard work for a good quality of life applies across the board.
I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA which is "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him."
I have always wanted to have MY way and MY will. I still do. More and more I am trying to turn my will over to God's care. I genuinely believe that God will take care of me, even if it isn't in the way that I want.
I want my mom to live forever. If she were to die tomorrow, I would be DEVASTATED, but that does not mean that God doesn't care for me. It is God's will and not my own at work. It does not mean that I have to self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
I can get through difficult times with vigilance and faith and love and support. I just have to remember that.
She sees me getting better and I am grateful that I am sober and improving my life and that she is in my life.
I went to a meeting tonight after my writing class and the speaker was talking about his grandiosity and how he always had greater expectations of things than were realistic. He always felt entitled and like the world should hand things to him on a silver platter without him having to work hard.
I have always been the same way. I was a B- student because I could make those grades with zero effort. I always tried to take the easy way out or find the short cut and BS my way through life.
On the flip side, whenever things were going well and I came across one unanticipated obstacle or difficulty, I would self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
The thing about sobriety is that there is no easy way out. It takes hard work in order to have the quality of life that I want and I am realizing that hard work for a good quality of life applies across the board.
I was reminded of the 3rd step in AA which is "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood Him."
I have always wanted to have MY way and MY will. I still do. More and more I am trying to turn my will over to God's care. I genuinely believe that God will take care of me, even if it isn't in the way that I want.
I want my mom to live forever. If she were to die tomorrow, I would be DEVASTATED, but that does not mean that God doesn't care for me. It is God's will and not my own at work. It does not mean that I have to self-sabotage and throw my hands up and bury my head in the sand.
I can get through difficult times with vigilance and faith and love and support. I just have to remember that.
First of all, I love what you said about your relationship with your mom. Isn't it cool how God makes beauty from ashes? He takes our addictions -- these ugly, miserable things that we feel are complete failures -- and uses them to create precious diamonds that could have never existed without the the dirty, ugly coal of our alcoholism.
And about step 3 ... our topic of discussion in my AA meeting yesterday was turning things over to God. Here are my thoughts on it:
In order for me to turn my life over, I need to first acknowledge that I don't know it all. Shoot!
But it's true. I do NOT see the big picture ... I'm incapable of that. I only see my little corner of the universe. Every day I pass people who have complete lives that I am oblivious about. So, when I turn thing over, I believe that God DOES know the big picture. I trust that He's in control, and that He knows more than me, and that He has my and others' best interests at heart. That means that I just need to do the next right thing, all the time, and let Him worry about the results. The results may not be at ALL what I want or think is right, but I just admitted that I don't know it all and He does, so that's okay.
What if my discomfort or even my pain means that my children one day is saved in some way? What if they escape pain because I went through it for them? Would it be worth it? What if it were someone else's child? I need to trust.
And, honestly, when I simply focus on doing the next right thing and let God handle the outcomes, I have MUCH more peace and serenity. And that's mighty helpful to my sobriety.
And now that I've written a novel ... ha ha! I think anyone who reads this entire post should get a sticker for endurance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,178
I could go back an fix all my typos, but I'm not going to. You all are smart enough to figure it out. 
And guess what? It snowed last night. Ugh.
Dh had a rough day at work yesterday and ended up having drinks with our neighbor and getting a little toasty. It was kinda interesting sitting chatting with him later and being the sober one. I liked it! Maybe summertime stuff will be more manageable than I thought.
Actually, something I've been noticing is that, so far, pretty much ALL of my recovery has been more manageable than I'd thought it would be. Go figure. I'd blown it up into a pretty big monster in my head while I was still drinking ... and I'm not saying it's always easy, but it's not been the monster I thought it would be. Life really is good without alcohol.
Some things I was really worried about that turned out just fine:
AA
My daughter's wedding
holidays
dining out with my hubby
playing Euchre with our friends
sleeping
driving home late after work and NOT stopping at the party store
It's been okay. Really. And that gives me hope that I'll create new normals for summertime, too.
The one thing I really want to work on is finding ways to connect and laugh with dh that don't revolve around drinks. That was our main form of entertainment, so we need to keep working on expanding our horizons.
And guess what? It snowed last night. Ugh.
Dh had a rough day at work yesterday and ended up having drinks with our neighbor and getting a little toasty. It was kinda interesting sitting chatting with him later and being the sober one. I liked it!
Maybe summertime stuff will be more manageable than I thought.Actually, something I've been noticing is that, so far, pretty much ALL of my recovery has been more manageable than I'd thought it would be. Go figure. I'd blown it up into a pretty big monster in my head while I was still drinking ... and I'm not saying it's always easy, but it's not been the monster I thought it would be. Life really is good without alcohol.
Some things I was really worried about that turned out just fine:
AA
My daughter's wedding
holidays
dining out with my hubby
playing Euchre with our friends
sleeping
driving home late after work and NOT stopping at the party store
It's been okay. Really.
And that gives me hope that I'll create new normals for summertime, too.The one thing I really want to work on is finding ways to connect and laugh with dh that don't revolve around drinks. That was our main form of entertainment, so we need to keep working on expanding our horizons.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Brooksie, you are growing so much. I am sorry you are so worried about your mother. But you are right, it is not in your hands, so try to let it go and cherish what you have and work on what you can control. And, well, you are doing that. You are working very hard at it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
PBC, yes, sobriety really is just fine. All of the things you mention, celebrations, vacations, day to day social situations, are all fine sober. I agree.
I only really post about my feelings when I am struggling, which is less and less, but may seem worse, because i tend to not say much about it when it is going well. Day to day, sobriety just makes such sense. I feel better, I look better, I have more awareness and energy to do things better, like parenting, and volunteering.
The thing that plagues me, and drags me down is really rather seperate from my drinking. I ma just at a crossroads in life. Time to figure out what to do as my kids grow older and I no longer need to be here for them as much as I used to need to be. Due to having no family support at all(no siblings to help, mother passed away, father too old, etc...), I never went back to work, even part time, after having kids. My daughter had a few severe food allergies and I needed to be there as room mom, in class parties, on field trips, to be sure she was safe. Then, my dad needed me, and I had another child, etc...
So, now, I have simply been out of my field for too long. Also, the area where I could re-enter most easily is home care, and I think my chronic back issues are not suited to that. So, I need to find a new thing to do. I am at a crossroads in life.
Drinking had allowed me to numb out or distract myself from dealing with things, but really, it did not cause this dilemma. So, for me, sobriety does not solve all my deeper problems. Sobriety just needs to be there to move forward, to be healthy, and to live longer, be more alert and attentive to life.
So, what should I be now, in my midlife crisis years? I think I first need to throw myself into some home improvements. I am not handy, nor is my husband, so that essentially means clearing the way for and hiring some contractors. But we have a big job or two to do. There is still lots of work in finding and hiring someone, as well as clearing the way for the work to be done. Maybe I need to pour myself into that. get my home all in order then look into life options, like a career, or at least, a job. Something to build back a resume for the future.
I only really post about my feelings when I am struggling, which is less and less, but may seem worse, because i tend to not say much about it when it is going well. Day to day, sobriety just makes such sense. I feel better, I look better, I have more awareness and energy to do things better, like parenting, and volunteering.
The thing that plagues me, and drags me down is really rather seperate from my drinking. I ma just at a crossroads in life. Time to figure out what to do as my kids grow older and I no longer need to be here for them as much as I used to need to be. Due to having no family support at all(no siblings to help, mother passed away, father too old, etc...), I never went back to work, even part time, after having kids. My daughter had a few severe food allergies and I needed to be there as room mom, in class parties, on field trips, to be sure she was safe. Then, my dad needed me, and I had another child, etc...
So, now, I have simply been out of my field for too long. Also, the area where I could re-enter most easily is home care, and I think my chronic back issues are not suited to that. So, I need to find a new thing to do. I am at a crossroads in life.
Drinking had allowed me to numb out or distract myself from dealing with things, but really, it did not cause this dilemma. So, for me, sobriety does not solve all my deeper problems. Sobriety just needs to be there to move forward, to be healthy, and to live longer, be more alert and attentive to life.
So, what should I be now, in my midlife crisis years? I think I first need to throw myself into some home improvements. I am not handy, nor is my husband, so that essentially means clearing the way for and hiring some contractors. But we have a big job or two to do. There is still lots of work in finding and hiring someone, as well as clearing the way for the work to be done. Maybe I need to pour myself into that. get my home all in order then look into life options, like a career, or at least, a job. Something to build back a resume for the future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
I wish I had time to write all that I want to this morning, there is so much good stuff! I will just say a big Amen to Brooksie, PBC, and Rochele. I can relate to your thoughts on savoring time with parents, finding a way to connect with hubs without the old crutch, and being at a crossroads, respectively. Nice to know we are not alone!
Have a beautiful day, all!
Have a beautiful day, all!
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
A really big gas explosion that leveled a small apartment building happened 6 blocks from my apartment this AM. I can smell the burning. It's awful. Saying a prayer for the people in that building.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Brooksie, I just saw that on my news here in the greater Boston area. Prayers for the missing, injured and their friends and families. 
They are reporting that was a large gas leak. It had been reported and Fire Dept. was on the way, and never made it to the building before it blew. Awful.
They are reporting that was a large gas leak. It had been reported and Fire Dept. was on the way, and never made it to the building before it blew. Awful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,021
Originally Posted by rochele
The thing that plagues me, and drags me down is really rather seperate from my drinking. I ma just at a crossroads in life. Time to figure out what to do as my kids grow older and I no longer need to be here for them as much as I used to need to be. Due to having no family support at all(no siblings to help, mother passed away, father too old, etc...), I never went back to work, even part time, after having kids. My daughter had a few severe food allergies and I needed to be there as room mom, in class parties, on field trips, to be sure she was safe. Then, my dad needed me, and I had another child, etc...
So, now, I have simply been out of my field for too long. Also, the area where I could re-enter most easily is home care, and I think my chronic back issues are not suited to that. So, I need to find a new thing to do. I am at a crossroads in life.
Drinking had allowed me to numb out or distract myself from dealing with things, but really, it did not cause this dilemma. So, for me, sobriety does not solve all my deeper problems. Sobriety just needs to be there to move forward, to be healthy, and to live longer, be more alert and attentive to life.
So, what should I be now, in my midlife crisis years? I think I first need to throw myself into some home improvements. I am not handy, nor is my husband, so that essentially means clearing the way for and hiring some contractors. But we have a big job or two to do. There is still lots of work in finding and hiring someone, as well as clearing the way for the work to be done. Maybe I need to pour myself into that. get my home all in order then look into life options, like a career, or at least, a job. Something to build back a resume for the future.
So, now, I have simply been out of my field for too long. Also, the area where I could re-enter most easily is home care, and I think my chronic back issues are not suited to that. So, I need to find a new thing to do. I am at a crossroads in life.
Drinking had allowed me to numb out or distract myself from dealing with things, but really, it did not cause this dilemma. So, for me, sobriety does not solve all my deeper problems. Sobriety just needs to be there to move forward, to be healthy, and to live longer, be more alert and attentive to life.
So, what should I be now, in my midlife crisis years? I think I first need to throw myself into some home improvements. I am not handy, nor is my husband, so that essentially means clearing the way for and hiring some contractors. But we have a big job or two to do. There is still lots of work in finding and hiring someone, as well as clearing the way for the work to be done. Maybe I need to pour myself into that. get my home all in order then look into life options, like a career, or at least, a job. Something to build back a resume for the future.
This resonates a lot with me. I also wondered about what is my future direction aside from work and family. I know that I have always desired spiritual development. I have wanted this since my early 20s. I guess one of the benefits of being unemployed is that I have had the time to focus upon this ! Studying buddhism and meditation has been very enjoyable so far. I feel as if its filling a void inside myself which is more gratifying than any material or external factors.
Looking inside rather than outside can sometimes provide a path !
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