Class of October 2013 - Part 10
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Thanks everyone for the support. It's amazing to me how many have been touched by suicide. This latest experience is my second in less than 12 months. I suppose I was committing a slow suicide with my drinking. I'm so grateful to be living now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
WhoDey,
It's funny you should say slow suicide because when I was drinking I didn't care even though I knew that. That is what alcohol does though, it takes away your soul. I would argue most addictions do that though. Also, when I was drinking I wasn't eating very good either. There has been so much to gain over the last six months.
It's funny you should say slow suicide because when I was drinking I didn't care even though I knew that. That is what alcohol does though, it takes away your soul. I would argue most addictions do that though. Also, when I was drinking I wasn't eating very good either. There has been so much to gain over the last six months.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I'm sorry for your loss whodey.
I was just thinking of my uncle yesterday. He committed suicide back in the 80s. He was younger than I am today.
It's an incredible decision to make, believing that things will never get better.
Very sad.
I was just thinking of my uncle yesterday. He committed suicide back in the 80s. He was younger than I am today.
It's an incredible decision to make, believing that things will never get better.
Very sad.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Who- thanks for the kind word, and yea I'm still alone at it, but not alone IN it. Gotta get better for the family counting on me.
Reason I went on welbutrin last week: was feeling really dark and out of control- I think that's the way ppl get went its bad. Never been there before, but I'll never forget what it was like. Feeling like that plus a couple of life hits and you really wouldn't feel like staying around.
Pls don't get me wrong, I'm an old Jarhead, and seen a LOT, but this was a new one on me. I hurt so bad for those ppl that hurt themselves, because I can totally see where they are in their struggles.
Reason I went on welbutrin last week: was feeling really dark and out of control- I think that's the way ppl get went its bad. Never been there before, but I'll never forget what it was like. Feeling like that plus a couple of life hits and you really wouldn't feel like staying around.
Pls don't get me wrong, I'm an old Jarhead, and seen a LOT, but this was a new one on me. I hurt so bad for those ppl that hurt themselves, because I can totally see where they are in their struggles.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 429
Sorry to hear that news, WD. It's very true that we don't know what is really going on for people. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with. From the outside it might look like someone has enough to keep them from suicide (kids, spouse, good job, money, whatever), but when you're feeling that low, it can seem like there is no other way out. There is, of course, but if you don't talk to someone about what is going on, no one can help you out of it. I can attest that drinking doesn't help. In fact, it made things much, much worse for me. JL, I hope the Wellbutrin works for you. If it doesn't, go back to your doctor and try something else (very common to have to adjust meds and dosages to get things to work right). Therapy is also very helpful. It's not easy, but it can work. Most of all, I want you to know that you aren't alone in this. I'm not just saying that. We really are here for you. Post here as much as you need (heck, post more than you think you need). I still have bad days (today wasn't exactly my best and I'm hiding under blankets for the rest of the day), but there are so many more good days in between now that I've stopped drinking. I know it might sound cheesy, but it's true.
QOTD: I'm definitely a judging type. I like to plan, and I like things to be very organized. My degrees are in science and now I'm an editor. What can I say, I like rules. I can be flexible and laid back at times, but my anxiety often gets the best of me. If I'm driving somewhere, I need to have my exact route planned out for both ways before I leave the house.
QOTD: I'm definitely a judging type. I like to plan, and I like things to be very organized. My degrees are in science and now I'm an editor. What can I say, I like rules. I can be flexible and laid back at times, but my anxiety often gets the best of me. If I'm driving somewhere, I need to have my exact route planned out for both ways before I leave the house.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
JL - I'm glad that you're getting help from the doctor. Can you share what you've been going through? You have a lot of responsibility and put a lot of pressure in yourself. That by itself can isolate a fellow. Toss in alcohol and the isolation is deeper. Sorry if I'm prying.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
JL - I mentioned earlier that my brother in law is dealing with something similar. His weakness is marijuana. I know that since he got out of the military he has somewhat lost what he felt his purpose was and hasn't done too well in his college efforts. I think without the purpose and pride he felt from being in the military he is floundering for some sense of self worth. He is a wonderful dad, but I don't know...feels as though he is more of a burden than a help maybe? All I know is that those little kids' lives would be shattered without him. I am sure the same goes at your house too. You matter to people, man. Seriously. Me included!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: South East US
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by JL2014 
Who- thanks for the kind word, and yea I'm still alone at it, but not alone IN it. Gotta get better for the family counting on me.
Reason I went on welbutrin last week: was feeling really dark and out of control- I think that's the way ppl get went its bad. Never been there before, but I'll never forget what it was like. Feeling like that plus a couple of life hits and you really wouldn't feel like staying around.
Pls don't get me wrong, I'm an old Jarhead, and seen a LOT, but this was a new one on me. I hurt so bad for those ppl that hurt themselves, because I can totally see where they are in their struggles.
Reason I went on welbutrin last week: was feeling really dark and out of control- I think that's the way ppl get went its bad. Never been there before, but I'll never forget what it was like. Feeling like that plus a couple of life hits and you really wouldn't feel like staying around.
Pls don't get me wrong, I'm an old Jarhead, and seen a LOT, but this was a new one on me. I hurt so bad for those ppl that hurt themselves, because I can totally see where they are in their struggles.
Don't mean to pry bud, but you have me a little worried.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
JL, obviously we care a whole bunch about you and we are just a little on-line group who have grown to really get to know and like each other. Like you said, your life is full of people who love you. You will overcome this, because you have hope, faith and perseverance!!! I was looking through one of my spiritual books yesterday. I started keeping it, after my husband was laid off. In it, I kept record of any tidbits of hope I could find. (spiritual quotes that touched me, coincidences, feathers, lucky pennies, chants, prayers) The thing that struck me, was that there was an obvious theme of having to stop resisting. Every time I finally let go of trying to control a situation, it amazingly worked itself out. When I really said, "God (Universe, Guiding Force, Eternal Love, whatever), you've got this one. I am tired of thinking, feeling and straining against this," and I truly gave it away is when the problem seem to fall away miraculously. They call this the Law of Indifference. It goes like this: Be undisturbed by a situation and it will fall away of its own weight. Whey you can no longer be disturbed, all disturbances will disappear from the external.
You are taking the prudent steps to help your depression and alcohol problem, JL. Now do what you need to do, is put it (the fear and urgency) out of your mind. Give it to the higher power and when you feel your stomach tighten and your head hurt and your fear set in, say to these feelings and physical sensations, "I have set you aside. I have given you to my Higher Power," and then do everything you can to turn your thoughts to anything else, even the mundane. (my sister practices mindfulness with jelly bellies. She puts one in her mouth and she intently focuses on describing to herself the flavor and the sensation she is experiencing - it sounds crazy, but it does help her turn her mind from fearful thoughts.)
We are all praying and pulling for you!!!!
You are taking the prudent steps to help your depression and alcohol problem, JL. Now do what you need to do, is put it (the fear and urgency) out of your mind. Give it to the higher power and when you feel your stomach tighten and your head hurt and your fear set in, say to these feelings and physical sensations, "I have set you aside. I have given you to my Higher Power," and then do everything you can to turn your thoughts to anything else, even the mundane. (my sister practices mindfulness with jelly bellies. She puts one in her mouth and she intently focuses on describing to herself the flavor and the sensation she is experiencing - it sounds crazy, but it does help her turn her mind from fearful thoughts.)
We are all praying and pulling for you!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
I went through a serious bout of depression 20+ years ago. It is odd to type "20+ years" because in many ways it doesn't seem like it was that long ago. The experience has never really left me.
DD your post touches on an aspect of what eventually allowed me to make progress. For a long time I fought the depression. Loved ones assisted me in that fight ... "you have so much to live for ... to be grateful for." It was unintended, but their words only reinforced my depression and isolation. What I heard was "you shouldn't be depressed! Get over it!"
While there were several events that led to my recovery, I can remember the exact moment when a particularly heavy veil was lifted. There was a very clear moment when I accepted the situation. I accepted that I was depressed and, honestly, I had reasons to be depressed. Once I stopped fighting and just accepted where I was at, I began the process of healing. It was a huge ... perhaps life saving ... realization. Instead of fighting my feelings, I accepted that I was in a dark place and then began the journey to light.
As usual, I find it difficult to find words to convey what happened at a deeply personal level. I'm writing, however, because I've heard similar words from others who have battled mental illness and substance abuse. Acceptance leads to healing. We are taught to fight, but sometimes fighting gets in the way of acceptance.
DD your post touches on an aspect of what eventually allowed me to make progress. For a long time I fought the depression. Loved ones assisted me in that fight ... "you have so much to live for ... to be grateful for." It was unintended, but their words only reinforced my depression and isolation. What I heard was "you shouldn't be depressed! Get over it!"
While there were several events that led to my recovery, I can remember the exact moment when a particularly heavy veil was lifted. There was a very clear moment when I accepted the situation. I accepted that I was depressed and, honestly, I had reasons to be depressed. Once I stopped fighting and just accepted where I was at, I began the process of healing. It was a huge ... perhaps life saving ... realization. Instead of fighting my feelings, I accepted that I was in a dark place and then began the journey to light.
As usual, I find it difficult to find words to convey what happened at a deeply personal level. I'm writing, however, because I've heard similar words from others who have battled mental illness and substance abuse. Acceptance leads to healing. We are taught to fight, but sometimes fighting gets in the way of acceptance.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 429
I'll echo the sentiment of acceptance. For me, that's where meditation and therapy really helped. Both got me to acknowledge the validity of my depression. By talking/thinking some tough things through and realizing that I couldn't change them, I was able to accept them and then let them go. I honestly hadn't realized that I had been holding on to so many bad childhood experiences (which is when my depression started). Of course, the other part of depression is the brain chemistry side. Depression isn't our fault and it can affect anyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Itold my wife about that weird come-out-of nowhere feeling I was having. Told her about 2days ago. I don't really tell others simply because it seems like ppl have enough going on without my whiny junk added. What I can look back at the past 5 months is that I've been bouncing all over the place. That looks bad at first, then I think " oh yeah; I was in the slow downward spiral ever so slowly increasing with each drink". I think the self medicating over all these yrs is harder to beat than I thought, and my prides been keeping me stupid. I see that my wife is suffering from terrible nerves as it runs in her family (mom and dad both). She's s wonderful mother/wife, best ever, but our good and bad days usually hit opposite one another and we pick up each other's slack. If I can figure out how to post a pic from my iPhone photos, I'll put the little guys on here.
That worthless feeling stuff was so alien to me that I immediately out it off ( that's not me), but some little pressure addon triggered it. Trying out for a FireDept job soon, so the heat is on to make sure I get on the cardio every morning I can, and start plyometrics THIS week. I'm 42, not 22, so it's gonna get grueling for a little while. Evenings are out, as supper, 5yr old, 8 month old, cleaning house, laundry - blahblah. They're a blur, without being drunk, sometimes! It's so not bad, but my bad habit for all these yrs is showing now.
Ok. T
That worthless feeling stuff was so alien to me that I immediately out it off ( that's not me), but some little pressure addon triggered it. Trying out for a FireDept job soon, so the heat is on to make sure I get on the cardio every morning I can, and start plyometrics THIS week. I'm 42, not 22, so it's gonna get grueling for a little while. Evenings are out, as supper, 5yr old, 8 month old, cleaning house, laundry - blahblah. They're a blur, without being drunk, sometimes! It's so not bad, but my bad habit for all these yrs is showing now.
Ok. T
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
JL, staying sober and on the medication your doctor gave you will help out sooner than you think. Please don't mix Wellbutrin with alcohol. I had a visit to the ER when doing this about 10 years ago. I was prescribed Wellbutrin to quit tobacco and didn't bother researching side effects.
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 465
JL, I can identify with the bouncing around. In fact, after feeling quite even-keeled for a couple months now, yesterday at my appointment with my personal trainer I broke down and started to cry when he pushed me just a bit - the rest of the day pretty much ate sh*t after that. Luckily, I had my monthly therapist appt. last night, too. She specializes in addiction and is great at helping me realize that this is a very common emotional place to be in the recovery process. So, I'm here to let you know that while it's certainly not easy, the bumps will be there and so are your 'Tobers, lean on us. I'm also glad you're getting some additional assistance with the Wellbutrin.
Oh, the other thing my lady mentioned was around goals. I have some goals that I've been talking about for years and years and trying to accomplish, but never succeeding (mostly around diet and exercise). She helped me to understand that I was trying to achieve those things while drinking and that now, sober, it's like starting all over again; I get a new, sober perspective and I get to choose how I move forward - every day, one day at a time, one minute at a time. It was so helpful to hear that perspective, especially when it's easy to get caught up in projecting into the future or beating myself up for past years' follies.
QOTD: At work and when I'm dealing with stuff I have to do, I'm a J. With my friends I'm a P. Although now, with some of my friends, I lean toward J.
Oh, the other thing my lady mentioned was around goals. I have some goals that I've been talking about for years and years and trying to accomplish, but never succeeding (mostly around diet and exercise). She helped me to understand that I was trying to achieve those things while drinking and that now, sober, it's like starting all over again; I get a new, sober perspective and I get to choose how I move forward - every day, one day at a time, one minute at a time. It was so helpful to hear that perspective, especially when it's easy to get caught up in projecting into the future or beating myself up for past years' follies.
QOTD: At work and when I'm dealing with stuff I have to do, I'm a J. With my friends I'm a P. Although now, with some of my friends, I lean toward J.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
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Originally Posted by Bilr44
JL, staying sober and on the medication your doctor gave you will help out sooner than you think. Please don't mix Wellbutrin with alcohol. I had a visit to the ER when doing this about 10 years ago. I was prescribed Wellbutrin to quit tobacco and didn't bother researching side effects.
Hugs JL!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Originally Posted by Cynderino
This happened to me too. Felt like a mental breakdown of sorts.
Hugs JL!
Hugs JL!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2,049
Came home tonight and folded/hung up half of a huge pile of clean laundry. Last weekend my wife told me what a good father and husband I was. Tonight she told me I was a bad father. I think she had been doing the wife thing and building a file on the issue, then fired it off. Like have a bag of plates to throw at you! Haha. Have to say that all of those issue aren't mine, I'm quite sure she's angry because when the baby whines, I let him whine, if there's not an issue I can find. That really makes her mad but he doesn't whine as much around me as her. That REALLY makes her mad. I love my wife, and we both need to be slapped for what we fuss about. It probably stems. More from me drinking than her emotional issues. I think I notice it more cause I'm not drunk whereas I was trashed and didn't care. Going to bed. On my side ��
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Wow, a lot of stuff going on here today! And I find myself (as usual) trying to catch up. And then my computer freezes and I have to start all over again . . . and now I'm late. Oh well.
The main thing that hits me is something I've mentioned before and that is that we don't share our "stuff" enuff. And that is one of the WONDERS of SR -- it's a place where we DO.
I know many clergy friends who hear, too late, that there is a problem in someone's life (it could be anything from addiction to a parental death to a child's illness to a job loss). Clergy question: "Why didn't you TELL me????" Answer: "Oh, I know how busy you are." Clergy response: "B . . . S . . . ! That's why I'm HERE! I'm NOT HERE to worry about the carpet color or what to serve for lunch at the Women's Group meeting!"
So, I wonder if we mask our own "stuff" by claiming that other folks are "too busy" to listen when WE'RE afraid to own up to our brokenness -- even if it's not our own "fault"? We'd rather "be an American and deal with it ourself!" And then we're left alone to self-medicate, feeling that there's no other option.
There is another option. We're living it, Tobers. Talk about it! But not just with us "virtual-types" (as valuable as we might be) -- but with real flesh-and-blood folks who can touch you, give you a hug, punch your shoulder, walk with you. As Mick Dundee said in "Crocodile Dundee" when confronted with a someone who sought out chemical solutions to his problems: "Doesn't he have a 'mate'? [think "Australian lingo"]"
Fishy
The main thing that hits me is something I've mentioned before and that is that we don't share our "stuff" enuff. And that is one of the WONDERS of SR -- it's a place where we DO.
I know many clergy friends who hear, too late, that there is a problem in someone's life (it could be anything from addiction to a parental death to a child's illness to a job loss). Clergy question: "Why didn't you TELL me????" Answer: "Oh, I know how busy you are." Clergy response: "B . . . S . . . ! That's why I'm HERE! I'm NOT HERE to worry about the carpet color or what to serve for lunch at the Women's Group meeting!"
So, I wonder if we mask our own "stuff" by claiming that other folks are "too busy" to listen when WE'RE afraid to own up to our brokenness -- even if it's not our own "fault"? We'd rather "be an American and deal with it ourself!" And then we're left alone to self-medicate, feeling that there's no other option.
There is another option. We're living it, Tobers. Talk about it! But not just with us "virtual-types" (as valuable as we might be) -- but with real flesh-and-blood folks who can touch you, give you a hug, punch your shoulder, walk with you. As Mick Dundee said in "Crocodile Dundee" when confronted with a someone who sought out chemical solutions to his problems: "Doesn't he have a 'mate'? [think "Australian lingo"]"
Fishy
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