Class of October 2013 - Part 10
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Sometimes I think the further we get from that last drink, the less we think about the bad consequences. Kind of like that girl I used to go out with, and we broke up for a reason. Looking back, it's a lot easier to remember the good times. Maybe it's time to break out that list of all the negative consequences that drinking brought on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Well, for me, in a sense, Billr is right. I always thought that I would be able to "control" my drinking "this time". Time after time, each time I relapsed after a long period of sobriety, I thought I "know better", now. Honestly, there was also always a part of me that WANTED to be able to drink NORMALLY. I kept seeing other people do it, and I am a pretty strong woman, so....I had those thoughts of "Why can't I"?????? followed by....."I CAN do this". Ultimately, quitting this time was not so much about "accepting I was an alcoholic", but more about, "I don't like ME, and I don't want to feel this way anymore". Deep down, I KNEW that I felt like crap, was filled with remorse and self-pity, was not performing up to my OWN expectations, and ONLY I could change that. It has been my experience, over the many years of battling alcohol, that the longer I stayed sober, the more complacent I became. I thought, "I've got this", or (in retirement) I rationalized it by (thinking and) saying, "Who cares? Who am I hurting? So what if I feel like crap and I wake up hungover? I'm retired. I'm not hurting anyone else." So, there is not really one answer to this question for me, DD.....I used all sorts of rationalizations to continue to drink. Like Billr, I drank to get drunk, though. Having "a couple" always seemed pointless to me....just like "non-alcoholic" beer, wine, etc. What's the point? Now, I must say, I DO enjoy my virgin pina coladas each day as we sit outside and watch the sun set. I enjoy them mainly for just a different taste though....since I drink either iced tea or water all day.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thanks, guys. I have to admit my emotions are a little all over the map. My parents visited yesterday and they will be in town for Easter. Just being around them triggers all sorts of feelings in me: guilt that I can never please them, guilt that they blatantly favor me and my family over my sister's, anger and annoyance that they want me to fill my mother's black hole of need, pity and pain for my mother because I believe that she is mentally ill and then fear that I am just like her, guilt that I have so much anger and resentment against people I should love and revere, self pity that I can't shake all the turbulent feelings I have about them. I tend to pull into myself a lot after visits with them and then I feel sorry for my immediate family that I do that. Anyway, in the past, I definitely used alcohol to tamper all the feelings that get stirred up. So, now (no temptation to drink, don't worry) I am having to learn how to deal with these feelings and my relationship with my parents and frankly, I am at a loss. I pray about it a lot. I am very frustrated. 
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