Class Of December 2013 - Part 4
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
I understand Muhv. I spent 20 years doing that myself.
I wish I could telepathically send my experience to you and save you the trouble but that's not possible.
All I can say, honestly, is I hope you decide that sobriety is all you need, without having to test the other side again.
It never got any better going back for me.
D
I wish I could telepathically send my experience to you and save you the trouble but that's not possible.
All I can say, honestly, is I hope you decide that sobriety is all you need, without having to test the other side again.
It never got any better going back for me.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Zero - I am hot on your heels. I will be 11 weeks tomorrow.
Muhv - In my first attempt at AA in 2008, it took me a while to get my head around the idea that I couldn't drink ever again. I spent a long time grieving, in fact. It was like ending a relationship. I can tell you that after some sober years and some relapses, I never want alcohol in my life again in any capacity. Even if science came up with a pill you could take that made you drink normally and eliminated addiction, I wouldn't want to drink. Alcohol destroyed my life, took away my self respect, my dignity, my will to live, it made me selfish and self centered. I neglected people and relationships so I could stay at home and drink. It made me a person I never want to be again. Any fond memories of drinking are long gone. Any thought that a drink would be a good thing, or that I could again drink socially or have just one have been shown to be a lie and a false promise of my AV. There is nothing in the bottle for me but death and I believe that with every fibre of my being. If I start drinking again, it will either kill me or I'll kill myself. I will be of no use to anyone, lest of all myself.
Muhv - In my first attempt at AA in 2008, it took me a while to get my head around the idea that I couldn't drink ever again. I spent a long time grieving, in fact. It was like ending a relationship. I can tell you that after some sober years and some relapses, I never want alcohol in my life again in any capacity. Even if science came up with a pill you could take that made you drink normally and eliminated addiction, I wouldn't want to drink. Alcohol destroyed my life, took away my self respect, my dignity, my will to live, it made me selfish and self centered. I neglected people and relationships so I could stay at home and drink. It made me a person I never want to be again. Any fond memories of drinking are long gone. Any thought that a drink would be a good thing, or that I could again drink socially or have just one have been shown to be a lie and a false promise of my AV. There is nothing in the bottle for me but death and I believe that with every fibre of my being. If I start drinking again, it will either kill me or I'll kill myself. I will be of no use to anyone, lest of all myself.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I'm okay, I guess. I was better earlier but I had one of those days that turned me into an alcoholic. I got fed up in a meeting and dropped some truth on my "superiors" they didn't want to hear. Lots of other stress already, then a major screw up, various players pointing fingers, and then deciding who to throw under the bus. I tried to take the heat, but they weren't buying it. The scary thing is I'm pretty sure my supervisors know I don't care enough about my job, so when I say something was "probably my fault" or I try to share the blame they just walk away and attack someone else. I can't tell if they respect me for not trying to dodge bullets, or just think I'm full of it. Anyway, I had to listen while an innocent sweetheart of a loyal and quality employee got berated next door for something that was clearly not her fault. That and other more global job issues weighed heavily when I left work, got home, and bellowed, "Where's the lead! I need to walk the dog!"
In the past I would have chugged a beer or cheap glass of wine and poured another. So, I tried some walking meditation, focused on my touch points and breathing, played with my sweet doggie-dog, and suddenly realized I had walked right up to the front door of my favorite bar. I stopped, looked in the window, and there stood my old crowd bellied up to shots and pints, chumming it up, and waving hello and "come on in!" And it's St. Paddy's Day. Good thing I had the dog with me (not allowed - the bar is also a restaurant), and there is NO WAY I would tether my dog outside the bar, not in this neighborhood (she's actually a unique grand champion show dog).
So, I'm home feeling odd. Not upset anymore. Not craving alcohol. But kind of sad. Just...sad. I have a holiday starting Friday, so that's something to look forward to, but going to work tomorrow - SERENITY NOW! Sometimes I just want to walk out of there and never go back. I feel so stuck sometimes. The pay is good, and sometimes I enjoy it, but for the most part it's just a job I do because comparable pay in these parts would be hard to come by. Life is short, though. Dang.
So, I'm going to spend my Paddy's Day packing for vacation. Some meditation would be a good call. Maybe I'll surf SR or write haiku about angry bosses from hell.
In the past I would have chugged a beer or cheap glass of wine and poured another. So, I tried some walking meditation, focused on my touch points and breathing, played with my sweet doggie-dog, and suddenly realized I had walked right up to the front door of my favorite bar. I stopped, looked in the window, and there stood my old crowd bellied up to shots and pints, chumming it up, and waving hello and "come on in!" And it's St. Paddy's Day. Good thing I had the dog with me (not allowed - the bar is also a restaurant), and there is NO WAY I would tether my dog outside the bar, not in this neighborhood (she's actually a unique grand champion show dog).
So, I'm home feeling odd. Not upset anymore. Not craving alcohol. But kind of sad. Just...sad. I have a holiday starting Friday, so that's something to look forward to, but going to work tomorrow - SERENITY NOW! Sometimes I just want to walk out of there and never go back. I feel so stuck sometimes. The pay is good, and sometimes I enjoy it, but for the most part it's just a job I do because comparable pay in these parts would be hard to come by. Life is short, though. Dang.
So, I'm going to spend my Paddy's Day packing for vacation. Some meditation would be a good call. Maybe I'll surf SR or write haiku about angry bosses from hell.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
I'm glad you made it through. The more of those days I handled sober the less odd I felt not being drunk, so keep going - you're definitely onto something 
Congrats beanie and TL
D
Congrats beanie and TL
D
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
Zero I feel exactly the same about my job. I also work in a crazy place with irrational people. Nuts, I tell you. Nuts.
I wish I had a dog :-) One day I'll live someplace with a yard and I'll get a dog. Just a little one :-) I have a indoor cat and she's lovely. She sleeps all day though. I suggest the puts on a load of washing or does the dishes while I'm at work, but she never does. Lazy thing.
I wish I had a dog :-) One day I'll live someplace with a yard and I'll get a dog. Just a little one :-) I have a indoor cat and she's lovely. She sleeps all day though. I suggest the puts on a load of washing or does the dishes while I'm at work, but she never does. Lazy thing.
Pure Radio Rental
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Off course, of course.
Posts: 952
Well, no one can take away the fact that I've gone more than three months without a drink of alcohol.
And the fact that within those months were Xmas, New Years, and St. Patty's - three big holidaze.
This weekend was a long one. At one gig someone bought me a drink and I actually carried it to the stage and set it by me with the intention of drinking it.
But, I chose not to.
Waking up clean this morning was such an accomplishment.
It's a good ride.
And the fact that within those months were Xmas, New Years, and St. Patty's - three big holidaze.
This weekend was a long one. At one gig someone bought me a drink and I actually carried it to the stage and set it by me with the intention of drinking it.
But, I chose not to.
Waking up clean this morning was such an accomplishment.
It's a good ride.
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