Class Of February 2014 Part 4
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
DiggingIn
Hoping your situation will seem more clear to you in sobriety. Drinking won't improve it! Please come here or the newcomer boards if you feel triggered to drink. You'll be in my thoughts today ((hugs)).
Hoping your situation will seem more clear to you in sobriety. Drinking won't improve it! Please come here or the newcomer boards if you feel triggered to drink. You'll be in my thoughts today ((hugs)).
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Hi everyone,
Day 24 and finally starting to feel more like myself today after having this awful virus for 4 days. Yesterday was another miserable sick day for both me and my daughter. Had to take her for her 4 year checkup with Dr and she did great. Didn't even cry during shot. Took her for her favorite treat (Wendy's Frosty) afterwards and then came home and just vegged on couch all day/night. She fell asleep around 5 and woke up with another fever. Hubby had to fend for himself for dinner (which he is pretty good at
) These last 4 days have been a not so pleasant reminder of my hangover days (minus the guilt). Makes you appreciate sobriety and your health even more.
Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday! Thank you all for being here and for all of your posts. Good or bad, they do help us all. This class is about being there for one another during our up days and our down, not so good days
Day 24 and finally starting to feel more like myself today after having this awful virus for 4 days. Yesterday was another miserable sick day for both me and my daughter. Had to take her for her 4 year checkup with Dr and she did great. Didn't even cry during shot. Took her for her favorite treat (Wendy's Frosty) afterwards and then came home and just vegged on couch all day/night. She fell asleep around 5 and woke up with another fever. Hubby had to fend for himself for dinner (which he is pretty good at
) These last 4 days have been a not so pleasant reminder of my hangover days (minus the guilt). Makes you appreciate sobriety and your health even more.Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday! Thank you all for being here and for all of your posts. Good or bad, they do help us all. This class is about being there for one another during our up days and our down, not so good days
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Charlotte
Posts: 50
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. Today's challenge is my little yorkie decided to eat string sometime between 330am and 930. I have cancelled my own doctor appointments due to lack of a job, and now I will have a vet bill. I can't get the string out of his mouth! Can't tell if it is caught on a tooth, wrapped around the back of the tongue...or stuck on something in his little belly. Irriations such as these were usually just another reason to have a glass. And, I just heard the garbage trucks...and I forgot today is trash day. Great.
So, Jenny, you are so fortunate you got out of a life with your ex. I think perhaps there was some gaslighting in my relationship, too. I had so many blackouts, though, that I can only go on what he told me. I would wake up with bruises, sore fingers, and no memory. He is 350lbs, but said I would hit him when upset. My hands hurt, maybe I was. I just can't imagine that being me, but I have fragments of memory that tell me at times it was me. My memory also tells me that there were times he had his hands around my throat choking me that my "hitting" was self defense. With blackouts, though, I will always have to believe that I was the "demon" that he said I was. Another guy had said I acted out, too. It was never physical, but he did say I was full of rage. Anyone that knows me would never think I'm capable of that. I don't see myself as that, but in the last few years, I was that person. I don't understand it myself.
Once my bf, went to the store, bought me alcohol, came home and made me a great big, tasty drink. We had been discussing my feelings. Whenever that would happen he always deflected, would get angry, etc. This one time it felt really bizarre. He made me the drink, then sat across from me and watched. I felt like I was being studied under a microscope. He had made the drink really strong. As we talked, I got up and re-filled the drink a few times, but not every time did I add alcohol. Before long, he was pushing every button and the outcome was disastrous. His response later, was that it got out of hand, but that he could tell I was tense and that the volcano needed to erupt. I wasn't feeling that way, at all. I wanted to talk about my feelings in regards to his behavior. He created this "event" so he wouldn't have to discuss his own behavior. I have never forgotten how he sat there and watched me. He was waiting for the point where HE could push me over the edge. I love him, but that kind of intentional pushing of buttons is very dangerous. That particular event turned into something out of a horror movie. Unfortunately, I remember most of it. I don't think he thought I would, but because of how he was watching me, I had not continued adding alcohol to my drink. This incident has caused many questions in my mind of what may have "really happened" when I was in a blackout. But, again, I can't know for sure.
My mother has MS and she lives with quite a bit of stress with my Dad. It makes your illness so much worse. Being free of the abuse and his mind games will definitely improve your MS. I am so happy for you that your eyesight is getting better and that you are driving!
Don't let him back into your life. I'm struggling to do the same. It is hard to turn away the people you love, even when you know they are unhealthy for you. Let's remind each other of that when we start to get weak from missing them.
So, Jenny, you are so fortunate you got out of a life with your ex. I think perhaps there was some gaslighting in my relationship, too. I had so many blackouts, though, that I can only go on what he told me. I would wake up with bruises, sore fingers, and no memory. He is 350lbs, but said I would hit him when upset. My hands hurt, maybe I was. I just can't imagine that being me, but I have fragments of memory that tell me at times it was me. My memory also tells me that there were times he had his hands around my throat choking me that my "hitting" was self defense. With blackouts, though, I will always have to believe that I was the "demon" that he said I was. Another guy had said I acted out, too. It was never physical, but he did say I was full of rage. Anyone that knows me would never think I'm capable of that. I don't see myself as that, but in the last few years, I was that person. I don't understand it myself.
Once my bf, went to the store, bought me alcohol, came home and made me a great big, tasty drink. We had been discussing my feelings. Whenever that would happen he always deflected, would get angry, etc. This one time it felt really bizarre. He made me the drink, then sat across from me and watched. I felt like I was being studied under a microscope. He had made the drink really strong. As we talked, I got up and re-filled the drink a few times, but not every time did I add alcohol. Before long, he was pushing every button and the outcome was disastrous. His response later, was that it got out of hand, but that he could tell I was tense and that the volcano needed to erupt. I wasn't feeling that way, at all. I wanted to talk about my feelings in regards to his behavior. He created this "event" so he wouldn't have to discuss his own behavior. I have never forgotten how he sat there and watched me. He was waiting for the point where HE could push me over the edge. I love him, but that kind of intentional pushing of buttons is very dangerous. That particular event turned into something out of a horror movie. Unfortunately, I remember most of it. I don't think he thought I would, but because of how he was watching me, I had not continued adding alcohol to my drink. This incident has caused many questions in my mind of what may have "really happened" when I was in a blackout. But, again, I can't know for sure.
My mother has MS and she lives with quite a bit of stress with my Dad. It makes your illness so much worse. Being free of the abuse and his mind games will definitely improve your MS. I am so happy for you that your eyesight is getting better and that you are driving!
Don't let him back into your life. I'm struggling to do the same. It is hard to turn away the people you love, even when you know they are unhealthy for you. Let's remind each other of that when we start to get weak from missing them.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Felt awful today when I found out I havn't even got to interview stage for two jobs and I'm rapidly running out of my overdraft. I fear I am about to fall on tough times.
Naturally my AV came out to play and I wrestled with thoughts of collecting my final £'s and grabbing enough cider to kill a moose.
But, I recognise what it is now, and I know that just holding on through a craving is enough to beat it. I'm still under anxiety about my employment situation, but I just have to keep firing out these applications until something happens. Been in this situation before and gotten out of it so I know I can do it again.
I havn't checked my day count but I think i'm around Day 18, feeling good about it but as bad luck would have it I have a completly empty house for a whole weekend bang on my troublesome 30 Day mark, going to have to put some serious thought into putting plans in place.
Hope everyone is staying strong, you all feel like genuine friends during this bleak and lonely time.
Still I climb this mountain.
Peace to you all.
Naturally my AV came out to play and I wrestled with thoughts of collecting my final £'s and grabbing enough cider to kill a moose.
But, I recognise what it is now, and I know that just holding on through a craving is enough to beat it. I'm still under anxiety about my employment situation, but I just have to keep firing out these applications until something happens. Been in this situation before and gotten out of it so I know I can do it again.
I havn't checked my day count but I think i'm around Day 18, feeling good about it but as bad luck would have it I have a completly empty house for a whole weekend bang on my troublesome 30 Day mark, going to have to put some serious thought into putting plans in place.
Hope everyone is staying strong, you all feel like genuine friends during this bleak and lonely time.
Still I climb this mountain.
Peace to you all.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 346
Findtheanswer and Jenny, can I get in on that support? I was not in an abusive relationship, but the root of my drinking started with feeling the relationship slipping away. And it is still the single hardest thing to deal with.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
FindTheAnswer Often we don't act ourselves when blacked out it can be really scary, you don't seem like a demon to me, the alcohol can make you act in ways you wouldn't normally act. Do you ever get angry or full of rage when sober?
DiggingIn Forget that damn wine bar, remind yourself of all the pain and suffering alcohol causes, the bar is a false friend, it'll eat you alive! Maybe plan a reward for yourself for this evening for managing to not give in to temptation?
DiggingIn Forget that damn wine bar, remind yourself of all the pain and suffering alcohol causes, the bar is a false friend, it'll eat you alive! Maybe plan a reward for yourself for this evening for managing to not give in to temptation?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Charlotte
Posts: 50
LS: I did notice that the week I was sober that he was still here, that he would say things he knew were hurtful and upsetting to me. I would feel my insides tense up and the urge to act out. It was pretty strong, but being sober, I didn't act upon it. It made me realize that if I felt it that strongly when sober, I could see how I wouldn't be able to hold it in while drunk. Granted, it was my first week sober, too, so I may have been more reactive inside. However, I think the truth is that the man intentionally poked the bear every time he got a chance. He was the type that would tell you how much he loved something one minute, then the next he hated it and was throwing it away. I've never experienced anything like it. In the beginning,though, I have never felt such a love. Still, even with all the ugliness, he is the one that even with all the craziness, he is the one that made me feel the most loved. Sad when you think about it.
DiggingIn--why allow them to win a second time??? Take away their power to bother you by getting through today sober!
DiggingIn--why allow them to win a second time??? Take away their power to bother you by getting through today sober!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 134
DiggingIn and FindtheAnswer-
Yes we need to stay and touch and regroup!! Scary thing about my ex was I WASN'T drinking with him. He literally made this **** up and tried to blame it on medicine I wasn't taking. He thought he could get away with it. I would always apologize thinking it was something I did-until he said medicine so I knew he was lying. Gaslighting will mess with your brain like no other. That's why I started drinking and went downhill spectacularly fast. he would even say you asked me to hit you but I wouldn't- I actually believed it and apologized. I am greatful that I am out of there. Friend me on here!!
Yes we need to stay and touch and regroup!! Scary thing about my ex was I WASN'T drinking with him. He literally made this **** up and tried to blame it on medicine I wasn't taking. He thought he could get away with it. I would always apologize thinking it was something I did-until he said medicine so I knew he was lying. Gaslighting will mess with your brain like no other. That's why I started drinking and went downhill spectacularly fast. he would even say you asked me to hit you but I wouldn't- I actually believed it and apologized. I am greatful that I am out of there. Friend me on here!!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: San Jose, California
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by LonelyShadow 
Felt awful today when I found out I havn't even got to interview stage for two jobs and I'm rapidly running out of my overdraft. I fear I am about to fall on tough times.
Naturally my AV came out to play and I wrestled with thoughts of collecting my final £'s and grabbing enough cider to kill a moose.
But, I recognise what it is now, and I know that just holding on through a craving is enough to beat it. I'm still under anxiety about my employment situation, but I just have to keep firing out these applications until something happens. Been in this situation before and gotten out of it so I know I can do it again.
I havn't checked my day count but I think i'm around Day 18, feeling good about it but as bad luck would have it I have a completly empty house for a whole weekend bang on my troublesome 30 Day mark, going to have to put some serious thought into putting plans in place.
Hope everyone is staying strong, you all feel like genuine friends during this bleak and lonely time.
Still I climb this mountain.
Peace to you all.
Naturally my AV came out to play and I wrestled with thoughts of collecting my final £'s and grabbing enough cider to kill a moose.
But, I recognise what it is now, and I know that just holding on through a craving is enough to beat it. I'm still under anxiety about my employment situation, but I just have to keep firing out these applications until something happens. Been in this situation before and gotten out of it so I know I can do it again.
I havn't checked my day count but I think i'm around Day 18, feeling good about it but as bad luck would have it I have a completly empty house for a whole weekend bang on my troublesome 30 Day mark, going to have to put some serious thought into putting plans in place.
Hope everyone is staying strong, you all feel like genuine friends during this bleak and lonely time.
Still I climb this mountain.
Peace to you all.
What helped me was setting aside a chunk of time per day to search, submit resumes, make calls etc... and trying to do fun, relaxing activities when I was done with my "job hunting shift" for the day. Before that I tirelessly searched all of the time, got burned out, depressed and drunk, and got nowhere. But I am really sensitive to rejection and don't exactly have a go getter personality, so ymmv.
You have been in this situation before, so you definitely have the tools to get out of it. Plus you are getting stronger each day that you stay sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
That's good advice Delphine thanks! I set my alarm early to make sure I get up, and I try and send at least one application off a day, sooner or later something will come up.
I handle rejection very badly too, always take things far too personally and give up so quickly. Gotta work on that, need thicker skin. A friend called me 'over-sensitive' the other day and I told him to 'f#*k off' which kind of proved his point.
Hope everyone's well tonight, sounds like some of y'all are in real tough circumstances!
You're in my thoughts everyone
Stay strong
I handle rejection very badly too, always take things far too personally and give up so quickly. Gotta work on that, need thicker skin. A friend called me 'over-sensitive' the other day and I told him to 'f#*k off' which kind of proved his point.
Hope everyone's well tonight, sounds like some of y'all are in real tough circumstances!
You're in my thoughts everyone
Stay strong
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1,277
Congrats on day 24 ladybug! Hope you feel better soon! And congrats to everyone celebrating another day sober.
Welcome find the answer! Sorry to hear many of you are dealing with rough relationships. I hope the best for you. This is a great place to let it out.
Sorry to hear about the job prospects LS. I also don't take rejection very well. At least with sobriety you will moving in a forward path. A job will come your way when it's right.
Personally, my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm crying the next I'm hopeful and happy haha Feeling a little crazy but glad I'm feeling something. Day 14 for me. Take care team February
Welcome find the answer! Sorry to hear many of you are dealing with rough relationships. I hope the best for you. This is a great place to let it out.
Sorry to hear about the job prospects LS. I also don't take rejection very well. At least with sobriety you will moving in a forward path. A job will come your way when it's right.
Personally, my emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm crying the next I'm hopeful and happy haha Feeling a little crazy but glad I'm feeling something. Day 14 for me. Take care team February
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Hey Lily, I was the same way around the 2 week mark. My moods were all over the place and a couple of times I even wondered if I was pregnant, lol. It definitely gets better.
Way to go on 14 days!!
Hope everyone is having a good and sober day. Quiet here today
Way to go on 14 days!!
Hope everyone is having a good and sober day. Quiet here today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Congrats on day 24 LB and congrats on 2 weeks Lily
sorry about your dog FTA - hope all is well
hang in there DiggingIn and anyone else struggling - forward really is the right direction
continued best wishes on the job hunt LS
D
sorry about your dog FTA - hope all is well
hang in there DiggingIn and anyone else struggling - forward really is the right direction
continued best wishes on the job hunt LS
D
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Originally Posted by LonelyShadow
That's good advice Delphine thanks! I set my alarm early to make sure I get up, and I try and send at least one application off a day, sooner or later something will come up. I handle rejection very badly too, always take things far too personally and give up so quickly. Gotta work on that, need thicker skin. A friend called me 'over-sensitive' the other day and I told him to 'f#*k off' which kind of proved his point. Hope everyone's well tonight, sounds like some of y'all are in real tough circumstances! You're in my thoughts everyone Stay strong
I can be ultrasensitive too. Im working on it. Part of that is my disposition, and has it's good points. I am less irritable from being off the alcohol roller coaster. Plus I hope the work I'm doing on my boundaries strengthens my inner resolve so that I can discriminate between constructive criticism and someone being hurtful.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Ladybug
Sorry you're so sick. I used to drink through colds and flus. I wouldn't use OTC meds because I didn't want to damage my liver. The insanity of that logic makes me giggle.
Lily
It takes a while for our moods to level out. Knowing that something better waits on the other side can help.
Sorry you're so sick. I used to drink through colds and flus. I wouldn't use OTC meds because I didn't want to damage my liver. The insanity of that logic makes me giggle.
Lily
It takes a while for our moods to level out. Knowing that something better waits on the other side can help.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Charlotte
Posts: 50
I am nearing the end of day 28 and just found out my dog may need surgery. Between $1500-2000. I am not working! I have postponed my own healthcare needs. Today's visit for him was over $300. So stressed out. I was already struggling today. This is one of those times I am glad I don't have anything here to drink.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Charlotte
Posts: 50
Glee- I have drank on all kinds of medications I was told not to drink on. I never noticed much difference. The few days I didn't drink in the last 12 months, I had a bad respiratory illness and for some reason alcohol didn't appeal to me. Maybe some of my bad symptoms later in the week of illness were withdrawal and I attributed them to the sickness.
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