Class of August 2013 - Part 10
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Eastern Shore of Maryland
Posts: 486
Originally Posted by Elseware 
Orn. I second everything Adv said. You are really amazing. You show not only a great body now, but also great strength of character! I can't find words to say how happy I am for you. I remember you when we first started. Scared and lonely. Look at you now. BUFF! What a difference hard work and 7 months makes. Hurray! You're so inspiring. Love, Elseware
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Hi all, sounds like good things are happening here. V, congrats on 7 months. Else, I think it is so very brave to take photographs of yourself in harsh light, very inspirational. You sound like you are doing great and I'm so glad to hear it!
This weekend was busy in a good way. I went to a housewarming party on Friday...it was a small group and very enjoyable. Yesterday I had coffee with a friend and we ended up talking for three hours and then going for a burger. I came home, watched a couple episodes of Game of Thrones, took a hot bath, and went to bed early. Today I finally did my taxes, went grocery shopping, and got ready for school tomorrow.
I was thinking yesterday that I see often on the newcomer's forum that after being sober for awhile, some start to think 'maybe I wasn't that bad...maybe I could moderate'. I'm finding that the longer I'm sober and the more active I am, the more I'm realizing just how bad it was really was. I don't think I had the full picture of just how much I was missing out on when I was drinking.
The talk of diet and exercise is inspirational. I think I've mentioned that I had lost 30 pounds in the first few months, but then got stuck. For the past four weeks, I've started taking the stairs to my office (3rd floor), something that I had gotten out of the habit of doing when I was hungover in the mornings. I go up and down about three times a day. Somehow a stubborn five more pounds have come off and I'm finally back in my favorite jeans. It has inspired me to do more, like make better dietary choices. I'm interested in the 'no-processed foods' concept, but need to do some research to understand everything that entails. I could be better about fruits and vegetables too. I tend to gravitate toward healthy eating, but get lazy about preparing stuff when I'm tired at the end of the day. I could probably be more proactive in planning meals so I don't head for the frozen pizza after a long day at work.
This weekend was busy in a good way. I went to a housewarming party on Friday...it was a small group and very enjoyable. Yesterday I had coffee with a friend and we ended up talking for three hours and then going for a burger. I came home, watched a couple episodes of Game of Thrones, took a hot bath, and went to bed early. Today I finally did my taxes, went grocery shopping, and got ready for school tomorrow.
I was thinking yesterday that I see often on the newcomer's forum that after being sober for awhile, some start to think 'maybe I wasn't that bad...maybe I could moderate'. I'm finding that the longer I'm sober and the more active I am, the more I'm realizing just how bad it was really was. I don't think I had the full picture of just how much I was missing out on when I was drinking.
The talk of diet and exercise is inspirational. I think I've mentioned that I had lost 30 pounds in the first few months, but then got stuck. For the past four weeks, I've started taking the stairs to my office (3rd floor), something that I had gotten out of the habit of doing when I was hungover in the mornings. I go up and down about three times a day. Somehow a stubborn five more pounds have come off and I'm finally back in my favorite jeans. It has inspired me to do more, like make better dietary choices. I'm interested in the 'no-processed foods' concept, but need to do some research to understand everything that entails. I could be better about fruits and vegetables too. I tend to gravitate toward healthy eating, but get lazy about preparing stuff when I'm tired at the end of the day. I could probably be more proactive in planning meals so I don't head for the frozen pizza after a long day at work.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I did the Paleo Plan: www.paleoplan.com
I am down about 23lbs. I am 20lbs off my ideal weight. I have gone from a size 40 to a size 36 pant. My goal is size 34.
Else and Advbike - my Avatar is my Jackson Hole jump.
I don't consume any baked goods. I only shop at Whole Foods and stay on the parameter if the store - nothing in the middle. I don't eat anything I cannot pronounce. It is my personal view that GMOs cannot be digested by my body. I do not focus on portions - my appetite has naturally decreased as the quality of food has improved. SO I do not eat anything breaded, no bread, no flour, no processed sugar - so no deserts. My only exception is a small amount of cranberry juice in my cranberry and soda (cranberry juice has some unnatural sugars). I eat tons of veggies and salads, as well as fish. I try to moderate my meat but the meat I do eat is only grass fed animals. I do have some cheese but no processed cheese.
I am down about 23lbs. I am 20lbs off my ideal weight. I have gone from a size 40 to a size 36 pant. My goal is size 34.
Else and Advbike - my Avatar is my Jackson Hole jump.
I don't consume any baked goods. I only shop at Whole Foods and stay on the parameter if the store - nothing in the middle. I don't eat anything I cannot pronounce. It is my personal view that GMOs cannot be digested by my body. I do not focus on portions - my appetite has naturally decreased as the quality of food has improved. SO I do not eat anything breaded, no bread, no flour, no processed sugar - so no deserts. My only exception is a small amount of cranberry juice in my cranberry and soda (cranberry juice has some unnatural sugars). I eat tons of veggies and salads, as well as fish. I try to moderate my meat but the meat I do eat is only grass fed animals. I do have some cheese but no processed cheese.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Sounds like our weekends are coming to a peaceful conclusion.
Kadi, thanks for sharing your thoughts about the newbies and "moderation." I know I have had similar moments in which I have realized how bad it was. Not a pleasant experience, but still a helpful one. And congratulations on being reunited with your favorite jeans!
Meal planning has never been my strong suit, either. For singles, it's not exactly the imperative it is for others. In the second half of my "year one," I'm very committed to building new habits as part of weight loss, specifically, and overall health in general. (I may need you folks to remind me about this if/when I ever whine about meal planning and preparation!)
JD, I've also decided to give up red meat.
In the interests of our wellness weekend theme, here's what I just had for dinner. It was delicious and I recommend highly.
1 chicken breast
1/2 t. olive oil
tarragon*
2 t. low-fat feta cheese
1 pear
* The recipe called for tarragon but I realized I was out. I substituted fennel and it was also very tasty.
Brush the chicken breast with the oil and sprinkle with tarragon/fennel.
Bake at 450 F. Turn the chicken after 10 minutes and bake for another 10. Sprinkle with the feta and top with some thinly sliced pear. I used a Bosc and it was yummy! The Mayo plan also lets you eat a fair amount of fruit, so I finished what I didn't use on the chicken.
De-lish.
Kadi, thanks for sharing your thoughts about the newbies and "moderation." I know I have had similar moments in which I have realized how bad it was. Not a pleasant experience, but still a helpful one. And congratulations on being reunited with your favorite jeans!
Meal planning has never been my strong suit, either. For singles, it's not exactly the imperative it is for others. In the second half of my "year one," I'm very committed to building new habits as part of weight loss, specifically, and overall health in general. (I may need you folks to remind me about this if/when I ever whine about meal planning and preparation!)
JD, I've also decided to give up red meat.
In the interests of our wellness weekend theme, here's what I just had for dinner. It was delicious and I recommend highly.
1 chicken breast
1/2 t. olive oil
tarragon*
2 t. low-fat feta cheese
1 pear
* The recipe called for tarragon but I realized I was out. I substituted fennel and it was also very tasty.
Brush the chicken breast with the oil and sprinkle with tarragon/fennel.
Bake at 450 F. Turn the chicken after 10 minutes and bake for another 10. Sprinkle with the feta and top with some thinly sliced pear. I used a Bosc and it was yummy! The Mayo plan also lets you eat a fair amount of fruit, so I finished what I didn't use on the chicken.
De-lish.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Well heck. You guys are so dang inspirational. All that healthy cooking and weight loss... I just had salmon kebabs at my favorite Med restaurant. However I did ride 20 miles in the mountains yesterday. But I've only lost 5 lbs overall. I suck, lol. Wishing everyone a great week 
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Venecia - using spices is one of the best ways to add healthy flavor to your dishes. You meals sounds delicious. Bobby Flay's books and recipes speak to me and he is a master at infusing spices in his Southwestern Cuisine. Also, I find the art and act of cooking cathartic and really helps remove the desire to drink when we are entertaining. Plus my quality of timing and recipes would go down after 3 vodka martinis - now I don't have that problem:-)
The first two weeks were tough and them boom a huge improvement in energy levels. My skin has also improved considerably too.
The first two weeks were tough and them boom a huge improvement in energy levels. My skin has also improved considerably too.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 728
Hi everyone! Finally got new wifi system in place...missed my daily encouragement so much. I have been here 2 1/2 weeks now and feeling
G much more at ease. First week was very difficult it I made it...can't believe the compliment s I am receiving on how I look....one lady said I don't know what is different about you but you look wonderful....guess my face is not blotted up and skin dried out.
My friend from Calf. Arrives today..I know she will be watching me like a hawk, not believing this is for real!
Enough about me! Else, so glad your feeling better. Your hair cut and color sound so cute.
Advbike, there are some bikers here at the resort this week. I touched the leather seat of one bike and found myself thinking of you! JD you sound in great shape!
Congrads to all of us nearing seven months!
G much more at ease. First week was very difficult it I made it...can't believe the compliment s I am receiving on how I look....one lady said I don't know what is different about you but you look wonderful....guess my face is not blotted up and skin dried out.
My friend from Calf. Arrives today..I know she will be watching me like a hawk, not believing this is for real!
Enough about me! Else, so glad your feeling better. Your hair cut and color sound so cute.
Advbike, there are some bikers here at the resort this week. I touched the leather seat of one bike and found myself thinking of you! JD you sound in great shape!
Congrads to all of us nearing seven months!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Oceanlady - I am sure you look amazing. Remember so much of our look is how we radiate. You are on a different wavelength than before. So not to get too spiritual but I believe your energy is so much cleaner and most people notice the difference but can't put their finger on what it is - I am sure you have this going on.
I am a work in progress. Trying to push myself to get better.
On a side note, I am battling with a bit of depression. I am seeing my Psychologist today and am thrilled. I am have been trying to move through this over the past few days and just feel like I have cement blocks on my feet. While I feel its a bit of defeat, I am going to look into taking an SSRI, as I do feel this weight of the clouds is affecting me.
I am a work in progress. Trying to push myself to get better.
On a side note, I am battling with a bit of depression. I am seeing my Psychologist today and am thrilled. I am have been trying to move through this over the past few days and just feel like I have cement blocks on my feet. While I feel its a bit of defeat, I am going to look into taking an SSRI, as I do feel this weight of the clouds is affecting me.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Way to go Oceanlady, sounds like things are going positively swimmingly down there. I agree with JD that you are probably radiating all sorts of calm, positive energy, and confidence
I for one am a lot less stressed than I used to be, and this gets reflected outward. Although I do still have my moments, lol. I generally sleep better as well. All of these things add up to more calm and serenity.
JD, sorry to hear about the depression. I don't know much about it, but I do know it's nothing to mess around with, especially if you are feeling chronically sad. I lost a relative last year to suicide and none of us could understand how he could have felt such a sense of hopelessness. He had a beautiful wife, 2 little girls, good career and lots of close, caring friends. He was a truly fine young man, yet he struggled with massive depression and felt he was a burden to others.
The closest I ever get to depression (that I am aware of) is a kind of low-level seasonal thing where I just want to hibernate. It comes from the gray skies here in the Pacific Northwest and is only apparent when the sun comes out and one's mood lifts dramatically. Nothing too serious and exercise helps me a lot.
The only caution I would throw out there before you start down the med path is to make sure first that you're not just returning to a more normal zone of less dramatic emotional responses - due to the healing from your addiction. Sometimes that can make us feel emotionally flat for awhile. Since you gave up a lot of carbs you may also be low on serotonin from that. In any case, I hope you can resolve it.
I for one am a lot less stressed than I used to be, and this gets reflected outward. Although I do still have my moments, lol. I generally sleep better as well. All of these things add up to more calm and serenity.
JD, sorry to hear about the depression. I don't know much about it, but I do know it's nothing to mess around with, especially if you are feeling chronically sad. I lost a relative last year to suicide and none of us could understand how he could have felt such a sense of hopelessness. He had a beautiful wife, 2 little girls, good career and lots of close, caring friends. He was a truly fine young man, yet he struggled with massive depression and felt he was a burden to others.
The closest I ever get to depression (that I am aware of) is a kind of low-level seasonal thing where I just want to hibernate. It comes from the gray skies here in the Pacific Northwest and is only apparent when the sun comes out and one's mood lifts dramatically. Nothing too serious and exercise helps me a lot.
The only caution I would throw out there before you start down the med path is to make sure first that you're not just returning to a more normal zone of less dramatic emotional responses - due to the healing from your addiction. Sometimes that can make us feel emotionally flat for awhile. Since you gave up a lot of carbs you may also be low on serotonin from that. In any case, I hope you can resolve it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
ADVbike - I just returned from my Psychologist. He kind of turned things around a bit and the conclusion we both came too is in fact the feeling that I am spinning my wheels might be normal. I am so type A, the metaphor of my feeling lost at see without oars may in fact just be the serenity of being out at see looking up. Growth comes in waves and this might be part of my own growth.
When I was drinking I was suicidal - I had fantasies daily of how I would end it. I don't have these its been lifted. I do feel extra tired sometimes and pulled in many directions and sometimes its overwhelming and I get paralysis...sort of how I felt this AM. But seeing my therapist, I am feeling much better.
Its interesting everything kind of reverts back to my childhood abuse. He gave me a sheet from a website about typical feelings guys have that were abused as kids - manifestations of the abuse and I see all of it in my life. I can also see the cycle reposting itself and it comes from a place of vulnerability.
So I am feeling much better - no meds but much work to do!
When I was drinking I was suicidal - I had fantasies daily of how I would end it. I don't have these its been lifted. I do feel extra tired sometimes and pulled in many directions and sometimes its overwhelming and I get paralysis...sort of how I felt this AM. But seeing my therapist, I am feeling much better.
Its interesting everything kind of reverts back to my childhood abuse. He gave me a sheet from a website about typical feelings guys have that were abused as kids - manifestations of the abuse and I see all of it in my life. I can also see the cycle reposting itself and it comes from a place of vulnerability.
So I am feeling much better - no meds but much work to do!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Good to hear JD. Funny, I just came from seeing my psychologist too. Always a nugget or two to ponder.
A lot of my issues stem from early losses and some separation from parents that caused attachment issues and correspondingly overactive emotions in relationships. Combine that with childhood overseas, parental problems such as secure base disorder (mom unavailable) and secure base disruption (dad never there) and you get a very smart, very insecure guy with an emotional hole the size of a large sailboat, lol. Hmmm, do I need one? Ha ha.
The only issue I have with my psychologist is he sees everything through the lens of AA - needing to surrender and work the steps. Not sure that's the only way but I do see value in it. Ultimately I'm grateful to be healthy and have the resources to pursue self awareness. Yeah, lots of work. I give you a lot of credit for that. Cheers.
A lot of my issues stem from early losses and some separation from parents that caused attachment issues and correspondingly overactive emotions in relationships. Combine that with childhood overseas, parental problems such as secure base disorder (mom unavailable) and secure base disruption (dad never there) and you get a very smart, very insecure guy with an emotional hole the size of a large sailboat, lol. Hmmm, do I need one? Ha ha.
The only issue I have with my psychologist is he sees everything through the lens of AA - needing to surrender and work the steps. Not sure that's the only way but I do see value in it. Ultimately I'm grateful to be healthy and have the resources to pursue self awareness. Yeah, lots of work. I give you a lot of credit for that. Cheers.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
While we have gotten there through different trauma, seems like our paths are quite similar. I used to be the quintessential wolf in sheeps clothing. Great bravado but inside insecure.
I became like my abusers by feeling completely powerless - six years old and getting abused does not provide a sense of power. So as I have grown its not surprising I rise to any occasion to get power over others. This in turn means I become like my own abusers and repeat the cycle over and over. Now I am trying to break this vicious cycle.
My powerless issues also make AA quite difficult for me and its no surprise getting step one was a doozy for me. Admitting I am powerless over something when perceived power was the one thing that saved my ass...its a paradox to say the least. That said, I am learning a growing immensely from this introspection and frankly the willingness to get help.
I say this alot here but my three pillars of recovery are Honesty. Openness, Willingness.
Honesty - I don't lie to myself or others anymore. No exaggeration or deception - this is big change for me
Openness - I deconstructed everything I believed in during the process of trying to find my "I" and "Me" I have realized I am not my thoughts, nor am I my actions. They come and go and don't define me.
Willingness - I am willing to do anything that does not involve the sacrifice of my kids to get better. This means making some very tough decisions and putting sobriety first.
My higher power is non traditional in the sense of Karma and energy. I also believe doing the right thing daily puts positive energy into the Universe and in return I am protected by doing so. I used to take shortcuts and was not a good human. I do feel and believe that I made my own bed based on some of the choices I made in the past that I am now making amends for.
I became like my abusers by feeling completely powerless - six years old and getting abused does not provide a sense of power. So as I have grown its not surprising I rise to any occasion to get power over others. This in turn means I become like my own abusers and repeat the cycle over and over. Now I am trying to break this vicious cycle.
My powerless issues also make AA quite difficult for me and its no surprise getting step one was a doozy for me. Admitting I am powerless over something when perceived power was the one thing that saved my ass...its a paradox to say the least. That said, I am learning a growing immensely from this introspection and frankly the willingness to get help.
I say this alot here but my three pillars of recovery are Honesty. Openness, Willingness.
Honesty - I don't lie to myself or others anymore. No exaggeration or deception - this is big change for me
Openness - I deconstructed everything I believed in during the process of trying to find my "I" and "Me" I have realized I am not my thoughts, nor am I my actions. They come and go and don't define me.
Willingness - I am willing to do anything that does not involve the sacrifice of my kids to get better. This means making some very tough decisions and putting sobriety first.
My higher power is non traditional in the sense of Karma and energy. I also believe doing the right thing daily puts positive energy into the Universe and in return I am protected by doing so. I used to take shortcuts and was not a good human. I do feel and believe that I made my own bed based on some of the choices I made in the past that I am now making amends for.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Being totally honest is a huge step. I have a difficult time being honest with others, especially in personal relationships. This stems from fear - fear of disclosing who I really am (or fear I am), fear of hurting others, fear of loss. It is a big part of my co-dependency issues. There has been so much loss in my life that it drives many of my behaviors. A lot gets filtered and I hate it. I suppose this is where the step work helps so much.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Not sure if it was step work but I basically said **** it and that willingness to do anything took the leap. I am totally honest now about myself. It leaves me vulnerable and this scares me sometimes but the liberation of honesty I feel outweighs the negative risks of rejection. I find the ones closest to me have the hardest time with the honesty bc we are like mirrors in this sense.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by jdooner
Not sure if it was step work but I basically said **** it and that willingness to do anything took the leap.
Originally Posted by jdooner
I am totally honest now about myself. It leaves me vulnerable and this scares me sometimes but the liberation of honesty I feel outweighs the negative risks of rejection.
Originally Posted by jdooner
I find the ones closest to me have the hardest time with the honesty bc we are like mirrors in this sense.
In any case, good job JD. Life will be so much better for you this way. I hope I can get there.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
A couple things Advbike - Jackson was important figuratively and literally. That is Corbets in my Avatar and me in the upper right. I am 40 years old 6'1" and weigh 220lbs. I was 4 months off my new knee. I have become spiritual. I needed to make sure that I was protected in that jump - there is a fair bit of talent and I don't advise anyone to huck a 40ft cliff onto a 55degree slope but the conditions were right, just as they were on that AirFrance flight on 8/26 when I knew it was time.
I have had more success than I could have imagined and I do believe its a function of doing the right thing, being honest and authentic. I don't wear a sign around my neck that says Addict/Alcoholic been raped and abused. That would be stupid. But when asked I won't lie anymore. I tried that - it just about killed me.
My parents have a problem adjusting but they are sick too. My wife has adjusted but I can sense when she is uneasy. My brother has a problem but he is a drug addict and an alcoholic like me just does not know it yet.
You will find your way - be a little scared but not paralyzed from the fear bc getting to the other side is amazing. I have my bad days, like earlier today I felt a bit grey but being real is liberating. I know bc I was fake most of my life.
You have to be authentic to grow and heal.
I have had more success than I could have imagined and I do believe its a function of doing the right thing, being honest and authentic. I don't wear a sign around my neck that says Addict/Alcoholic been raped and abused. That would be stupid. But when asked I won't lie anymore. I tried that - it just about killed me.
My parents have a problem adjusting but they are sick too. My wife has adjusted but I can sense when she is uneasy. My brother has a problem but he is a drug addict and an alcoholic like me just does not know it yet.
You will find your way - be a little scared but not paralyzed from the fear bc getting to the other side is amazing. I have my bad days, like earlier today I felt a bit grey but being real is liberating. I know bc I was fake most of my life.
You have to be authentic to grow and heal.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
My higher power is non traditional in the sense of Karma and energy. I also believe doing the right thing daily puts positive energy into the Universe and in return I am protected by doing so. I used to take shortcuts and was not a good human. I do feel and believe that I made my own bed based on some of the choices I made in the past that I am now making amends for.[/QUOTE]
JD , I think truer words were never spoken. Putting positive energy out there is one thing we do have power over. I have read your conversation with Adv with real interest because it surely pertains to me also. You probably know I became pathologically depressed starting just after Thanksgiving . Looking back I think I was truly in danger. My psychiatrist prescribed several drugs. A mood stabilizer, an SSRI and an drug used for bi-polar disorder. I have improved immensely. Except for some insomnia which can be a side effect of SSRI's. But it's not enough to make me stop taking them. These drugs sort of embarrass me to tell anyone about so I keep it to myself but I think maybe they saved my life. I was very bad there for about 2 months. Of course, I am having talk therapy, too. I feel like living again. I never wanted to die exactly, I just didn't know how I was going to keep living with the pain I was in. I think I was lucky I didn't have to go,to the hospital.
JD , I think truer words were never spoken. Putting positive energy out there is one thing we do have power over. I have read your conversation with Adv with real interest because it surely pertains to me also. You probably know I became pathologically depressed starting just after Thanksgiving . Looking back I think I was truly in danger. My psychiatrist prescribed several drugs. A mood stabilizer, an SSRI and an drug used for bi-polar disorder. I have improved immensely. Except for some insomnia which can be a side effect of SSRI's. But it's not enough to make me stop taking them. These drugs sort of embarrass me to tell anyone about so I keep it to myself but I think maybe they saved my life. I was very bad there for about 2 months. Of course, I am having talk therapy, too. I feel like living again. I never wanted to die exactly, I just didn't know how I was going to keep living with the pain I was in. I think I was lucky I didn't have to go,to the hospital.
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