Leshar

Thanks everyone, I do feel like I have turned a corner. I'm so much better than even just a month ago!

However, my sleep problem continues to plague me, and that is getting me down. 3 hours last night and I'm so tired i can't think clearly. Want to respond to others posts but so tired, will write more another time. I'm going to a girlfriends for dinner, she's invited another Irish friend too, to celebrate St Patricks day, and I'm disappointed that I'm not looking forward to it as much as I ought to, because I'm sleep deprived and terribly foggy headed.
Just want to sleep!

resolute50

Leshar,
Make sure you mention this to your doctor.

I've been busy fixing stuff around the house. Doing some research on a new heating system to replace my very old 1960s boiler.
I need to get this house more efficient so I can save some money next winter.
Hope everybody is doing well today.
I'll check back later.

NorCaliGal

Well Julyers here's the latest -

After I posted yesterday morning he came back home before I had left for work. When I asked him about it he said he decided to come home, that he didn't feel like working. Great. So he had all day to drink.

I let his SIL know, and the family is calling a meeting tonight to decide what everyone wants or is willing to do. They'd like it if I'm there, so I'm leaving work an hour early to be there.

He didn't go to work again today (he said he wasn't in the right frame of mind to work when I asked), but was up again at 2 am, and I think went out to the liquor store while I was in the shower getting ready for work. He thinks my setting up the bed in the spare room (or, as he puts it "moving me out of the bedroom") was drastic, and he's really shutting down. He completely will not own that HIS actions resulted in my decision. He is very much in victim mode.

Even though I am so so glad to be able to discuss things with his family, I sadly have realized that I don't think anything that they say/do is going to get through to him. As you've all said, and I agree with, he's just not ready to quit.

NCG

Dee74

I think you're right NCG.
best wishes tonight.

D

Ladybug2

Very sorry to hear, NCG. It's out of your hands now. Hugs to you.

NorCaliGal

Back from his brother and sister in laws....the family also decided that they would write letters. Their boundaries will also be they won't be around him if he's drinking and that they won't let the kids be around him. He really loves spending time with the kids so this will be huge for him. They also will ask the 13 year old if she wants to write a letter. If she does it may also have a big impact. She's very close with her uncle, but after Sunday told her parents she didn't want to be around him anymore. (Oh and the four year old asked why he smelled funny.) They also won't help him financially.

I guess in the past they've set boundaries but haven't held them.

I can't say I feel better after this, but I definitely don't feel like I'm dealing with this alone. And it's nice that they are supportive of my decisions.

Good night all!

NCG

Croissant

Yes NCG, I imagine it's so hard going through all this....I'm really glad you have support from his family. Hugs to you.

I was really hopeful for you after the other weekend. I still am, but glad you have support in standing up to him re boundaries.

Leshar

Hi NCG,

I think it can only be for the good if your boyfriend's family is on board with helping you towards addressing his alcohol issue. Especially if the children are involved. Nothing escapes children. I'm just sorry on your behalf that it has come to this. It sounds like it's sort of make or break time for him to make a decision and do something, and also for the survival of your relationship. I'd have to say, imo, after all this, that if things don't change, you might be better to cut your losses and ask him to move out, shoulder the bills on your own, because I can't imagine it will be healthy for you to stay in this environment, even till October. Whatever you decide, we are here to support you. Big hugs!

Lisa, nice to see your post. I'm sorry you felt that your friend didn't trust you wrt drinking, that must hurt. It sounds like she has her own issues in this regard.

I'm still averaging about 3-4 hours sleep, and it's very tiring. But I recognize that I cannot let myself worry about it when I'm awake and restless in the wee hours, because that will only compound the problem. A friend suggested reading poetry, and saying it out loud, as the rhythm can be soothing. I love poetry, so I might try that.

I had a basal cell carcinoma lesion removed from my left temple this morning. The doctor told me that because of how much he had to remove, he had to create a Z shaped flap, to minimize skin tension lines, so I will be left with a Z shaped scar, hey, maybe a bit like Harry Potter! I have lines aplenty, so I guess a scar won't be that bad, but I tend to make those ropey, keloid scars, so I've been given some cream to minimize this. Get the stitches out next week. Best to have it removed, there's a family history of skin cancer, in fact my older sister died 6 months after my husband, from malignant melanoma.

I heard from my old boyfriend by email yesterday. He said it was lovely to see me, and that he would like to get together again, if I would like. I emailed him back, suggesting that we might see a movie. I'm in a bit of a tizzy, as I don't know if he means like a "date", ya know? How to conduct myself, uncharted waters and all that. I like him, and enjoy his company, guess I shouldn't over analyze things, just meet up with him if that is what he would like, and relaaaax, eh?

I had a bit of a panicky feeling this am, when SR was down. I couldn't sleep so went to log on, and when I couldn't, I began to think of what I might do if SR had folded for good. I wondered if I might have difficulty keeping on the sober path without SR which has come to mean so much to me, has become a life-line. Dee, I saw your post about the back-up forum, so that is good to know.
I guess I wondered if I should have some other resources in place. I still see my addictions counsellor, but very infrequently now, about every 6 weeks or so.
I do feel solid ground under me at coming up to 9 months, so perhaps I would be ok, but I do hope SR will be around for a looong time to come!

How's everyone doing? Hi to all my July buddies!

NorCaliGal

Yes, it's definitely make or break time for the relationship. And his family supports that. They've all had him live with them at one point or another - and they refuse to let him live with them again if he moves out (whether I ask him to leave or if he leaves on his own.) Yesterday he mentioned moving out. I didn't comment one way or the other, but he is of course free to go and I will be fine financially. If things get horrible, I will ask him to leave. I don't think he'd argue, and I have several friends who have offered to move him out whenever I need it. Also his family would be supportive of me asking him to leave, which means a lot. I really do love his family.

But it's also make or break time with the family at this point. Once they give him their letters he's going to have to accept that they want no interaction with him if he's drinking. Apparently the big issue they've always had is what to do if he show up at their homes or a family event drunk. In the past they've always let him stay (because they didn't want to send him away driving drunk, where he could hurt or kill someone), and sleep it off, or ignored the fact that he was drunk. They decided last night to stop that - that they would call him on the fact that he was drunk, and someone would drive him home. If he resists they said they would even call the police. I think his brother and dad will have no problem with this boundary, but his sister might (she's always the one that smooths out family issues.)

Thanks to everyone for the support. I know these posts are more suited for the FAF forum, but I spend most of my time here with you Julyers.

NCG

resolute50

" I know these posts are more suited for the FAF forum".

I think they belong here,just like you belong here.
There's a lot of great advice in the FAF forums. And sometimes I'll read some post there.
But,some people on the forum carry a lot of resentment (baggage) that they need to leave behind.
Always wish the best for you NCG. I hope your BF can turn around and become the man that he needs to be. It's not easy as we all know,but the rewards are great.

I've been doing quite well this week.
Seems that the best way for me to deal with any cravings(few and far between) is to always stay busy. I actually plan projects and have several that will keep me going for quite some time.
For the first day of spring here it's a cold and dreary day.

Croissant

I agree with Bob NCG, you are our friend....and we understand both sides....as you do. Not taking sides...but you are ours! Xx

As hard as it is, there's also the mourning for the relationship that could have been - if this doesn't work out honey...no matter what I say! I totally get the sadness that you must be feeling watching this happen.....and since most of us have caused the pain or similar that your boyfriend is - and.... well....it's just damn sad.

Stay well Sweetie.xx

resolute50

"and since most of us have caused the pain or similar that your boyfriend is - and.... well....it's just damn sad."

Well, said Croissant.
We have been in you BF's shoes in the past,NCG.
Feeling like the world is all against us. And it's everybody else fault.

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
-- Theodore Roosevelt

NorCaliGal

LOVE this Bob! So true.

Thanks everyone for the support.

Today is the fourth day in a row he hasn't gone into work. I'm guessing that his job is in severe jeopardy at this point (if he hasn't already been fired), since this is his third multi-day absence due to binging (not to mention the one day absences and late appearances.) I believe going to IOP the last time saved his job.

I am thankful that I do not rely on him financially. I am thankful that I am sober. And I am thankful for my friends and family who are providing support to me - including my wonderful Julyers!

NCG

Leshar

Hi, NCG, sounds like your bf is melting down fast. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong and look after yourself.

I'm feeling better today because I slept 6 hours last night. It really makes a difference to my mood and functioning. I had an awesome yoga class this morning.

I'm going to meet my old friend on Sunday in the city, to see a movie and have lunch.
I'm feeling more relaxed about it atm, I'm just going to enjoy his company and the chance to see a movie I want to see: The Grand Budapest Hotel.

I have my first rehearsal tomorrow, followed by a Downton Abbey exhibit/lunch with my acting class ladies. Im looking forward to the day!

I'm becoming sort of more distant with a girlfriend I've mentioned before, the one with a big relationship problem and the one who doesn't like that I no longer drink. She brought it up on Monday again, when i declined to meet with her and her pals for a pub visit on Paddys day. I'm standing firm now and setting boundaries where I didn't before, because I was so lonely I didn't want to lose her friendship.
Well, I'm stronger now and if the friendship fades, I will accept this.

Happy first day of Spring, everyone!

NorCaliGal

Look at you Leshar! Yoga, plans for movies, lunches, exhibits - you go girl!!

The Grand Budapest Hotel looks great. It's on my list of "to see" movies.

Yep, your girl friend sounds like a friendship you can put in the past because you've moved on to a much better life!

NCG

Leshar

Hey, thanks, NCG, I'll let you know what I think of the movie!

resolute50

Hey everybody.
Figured I would check in and see if anybody else checked in.

Let us know how it goes, Leshar.

I just took the dog for a walk. All the stream and rivers are flowing strong as we got some rain last night. It was nice to just hear the running water and having the sun on my face.

Croissant

Bob, you are a gem. The above is so true....I have so much pain in my family to support at the moment...your words summed up what it is to be human and blessed to appreciate the simplest things.

Bless you.

NCG and Leshar, bless you both too....and everyone else, stay strong.xx

NorCaliGal

Oh boy Julyers....

So today was the day my BF's SIL brought him the letters from the family. But let me back up a little.

Last night when I got home he was in the spare room. I went in to check on him and asked him how he was. And I asked him about his job. And then he said "well it's Wednesday." And I said no, it's Thursday evening. Tomorrow is Friday. And he started to cry when he realized that he'd lost almost a week to this binge. He apologized for having me see him like that. I won't bore you all with the details but as the evening went on he was really having a hard time with the fact that he didn't know what day it was, that he may have lost a good job, etc. Together we checked his phone and there was a text from his boss from yesterday morning basically saying it's been two days since he's checked in, what's going on? I told him that he needed to call today to talk to his boss on the off chance he's able to save his job. Of course he didn't want to, so we had a talk about how he is going to have to do quite a few things that are hard, unpleasant or he doesn't want to do to get his life back on track. I reinforced that this is his last chance with me.

So this morning his SIL brought the letters down. At first he told her to leave him alone, but then she started to cry and he started to cry and she told him about the letters and he really got upset (I wasn't there for all of this btw, this is what she's told me. Actually she said "he lost his sh*t".) She told him the family would help him find a way to pay for rehab or treatment (in our family meeting we all agreed that we thought he needed in patient treatment at this point.) She told him his 13 year old niece wrote him a letter, which caused him to cry again. And then she left him with the letters, and called me to give me the update.

Then he called me to let me know he was okay. I told him that I knew his SIL visited, and I knew about the letters, and that it wasn't easy for his family to write them, that they put their heart into them, to make sure that he read them and that they meant what they said. I told him that we would talk about the letters when I got home. And I told him (again) to call his boss.)

So then he called his SIL again, after he'd read his nieces letter. It really had impact. He was crying and very upset. He really cares what his niece thinks of him.

It seems that his family hasn't ever seen him get this upset - I have seen him cry though, after the binge that led him to go to the IOP the last time. But they are taking this as a good sign that he might get some help, so I'm keeping my wait and see opinion to myself at this point.

So, that's the latest. I'm here at work and probably won't know more until I get home. It's going to be a long day.

NCG

resolute50

NCG,

I don't really know how these interventions work out. All I know is it must be really hard for everyone involved. One of the reasons I quit drinking is because I was standing next to that rabbit hole.
I had a decision to make at that time,fall into it,or step away.
If I would have fallen into it,I would be very much like your BF is now. Lose track of time and sleep my life away in a black out.
I'll bet a lot of the letters say that they all want the ole BF/uncle/BIL back.

Obviously,he's a nice guy and just made a bad choice like so many of us did.
I hope this doesn't drive him even deeper into his addiction. And he can see through the fog that life can be so much better if he just make the decision to stop.