Renarde

You should post more!

Renarde

Lommey you are really so, so tough. I just wanted to say that I remember what you were facing when we started in September. I remembered thinking about how much you had to cope with and I was worried for you. Little did I know you would just crush this sobriety thing! You really amaze me. Challenge after challenge and you are just constantly making the right choice to take care of your sobriety. It really inspires me. Xoxo

Br00ksie

Lommey, do you have phone numbers of other sober women? I've found talking to another sober person about whatever is bothering me helps me get out of my own head, as does sharing about whatever is plaguing me at meetings (if what is on my mind is not too personal).

I am more inclined to share about personal/relationship stuff at women's meetings, as I feel less judged in those settings.

Br00ksie

Hi all!
Renarde, glad you are feeling a bit better! Speaking of crushing sobriety.. You are doing the damn thang!

Grace, CONGRATS ON 4 MONTHS!

Rochele, I hope you get some rest soon and had a good visit with your brother! It sounds like you are worn out and that HALT is lurking at every turn right now!

LG, loved your last post! You sound like you're in a much better place in terms of your drinking. Your last "drunk" reminds me a lot of mine. I had been to only one AA meeting, then drank a half pint of wild turkey out of boredom a few days later and woke up with one of the worst hangovers in my life! That was the last time I drank, after which I started going to meetings regularly! I am so grateful for how miserable it made me feel. It doesn't mean I don't miss drinking sometimes, but the memory of how miserable and not worth it the last time was is still fresh in my mind!

My mother sent me an email about a job opportunity today. IN SAVANNAH. She just doesn't fu*king get it.

She will not accept that I am no longer under her thumb and is still trying to pull out all of the stops to keep me there and/or punish me for trying to stand on my own two feet and do what is best for me in my sobriety.

She also sent me a mean email yesterday chastising me for not working for her over the holidays, because all she can think about is herself and what she is going through. I'm positive that the motive for her job opportunity email was self-serving. She has no concept of what is best for me unless it benefits her as well. It has always been that way!

I have to put some distance between me and her for a while.

I had a busy day today. I went to a baby shower brunch for my passive-aggressive cousin and she pretty much talked to everyone about her pregnancy but me. She snapped at me on christmas when I asked her how she was feeling in her pregnancy, telling me- and I quote- "You've asked me how I felt about a hundred times today. Don't you have a bunch of other pregnant friends to talk to about pregnancy?!"

huh? I asked her once and she ignored me, then when we were sitting down asked her a second time because I thought she hadn't heard me. Yes, I have other pregnant friends (3 to be exact) but that doesn't take away from the fact that I care about her experience. We are very close and she was almost hostile. And most people f*king LOVE talking about their pregnancy!!!

Then that SAME NIGHT she told another cousin to touch her belly in front of my face and gushed to my aunts about feeling the baby kick.

It was like she was purposefully withholding her joy and excitement from me, because it gave her the upper hand in some way. She has always been my mentor and I have always looked up to her, but as I get older (and the longer I am sober), the more the maturity gap between us is closing, and it almost feels like she cannot handle us being on the same level, or that she feels threatened by that possibility for some reason… Whatever, maybe I'm looking too deep into it.

My sponsor told me that clearly her behavior is about her and not about me and that the "why" of her behavior is none of my business and that it is not a good idea to address it to her right now with me in my current (newly sober) state and her in her mid-pregnancy-hormonal state.

I REALLY did not want to go to her brunch but my absence would have been noticed (I live walking distance from the restaurant venue where it was held). So I ate good food and worked the room and then went home EXHAUSTED, long enough to take a 30 min nap before having to turn around and go back out.

On a better note, I met with my sponsor after the brunch and then went to a meeting and to dinner with a few women my age from the meeting and the rest of my day was good! I'm about to watch some walking dead and zone out for the rest of the evening!

Hugs to everyone!

LillianGish

True that!!

Lommey, when you read this in the Irish morning, I hope you've been able to sleep. Sending some warm thoughts and prayers your way.

Renarde

Brooksie, how irritating about your cousin. Hormones can make people nuts. Who knows what her problem is - sponsor is right - you have good intentions and the why isn't your concern. I love that. Just keep being your polite and loving self and I bet it will blow over. Sometimes things can come out wrong too. A good friend once asked me what my husband did, and I snapped at them, "I've told you that like a million times! Don't you remember?" It came out all wrong, I sounded like a huge b-tch, and honestly I still feel bad about it today and this was probably five years ago. Maybe it was just an instance like that, and then she felt awkward about it and so acted weird afterward. I'm sorry you had that interaction because it is stressful for you to be on the receiving end of it.

LillianGish

Thank you for this. I think I hit bottom too. I had no idea my tolerance would have reduced that much. I used to be a very high functioning drinker and most days, could beat a hangover with a lot of water, Advil and a hamburger.

I'm afraid now of all the things you mentioned. It may not be textbook recovery, but I'll take it! I'm a chicken. I admit it. I never want to feel like that again.

Brooksie, your story did sound like mine. Thank you for sharing it.

And the worse part, except for the violent vomiting, was the fact that I'm back to day three. I feel like a real . Four months of work....just pissed away.

See...this whole four months I thought I was different than the typical alcoholic. I never binged, I never got so out of control I ruined lives, all I drank was beer and wine...yada yada yada. I really thought I just got into a bad habit that started to take up more of my life than I wanted it to. I didn't like drinking around my kids either.

But hearing my thought process on Christmas...that was true blue alki.

I remember Dog Gone Carl here at SR, chided me during my first week here on SR that nail biting was a bad habit. Alcoholism is a disease and I needed to admit it. I thought he was wrong at the time. But dog gone it, Dog Gone Carl was right!

Anyway, I'll shut up about my epiphany. I've talked too much. I feel really different now though. I'm grateful. I think it was the last puzzle piece for me.

LillianGish

Wow Brooksie. That's horrible. I'm sorry. No one should treat a cousin and a guest at her baby shower that way.

Kane gave some advice to me recently, that I should feel sorry for my horrible co-worker. That how she acts, is a reflection of how she feels about herself. That made me feel a whole lot better recently. It is true.

If it's the cousin I think it is, well....Why would someone who has so much, be so threatened? Sad.

Sounds like you got some GOOD advice from your sponsor.

Renarde

You have not talked too much at all. Hearing your thoughts really helps me look at my thinking and actions too. And honestly, I bet what you went through feels really traumatic. I feel so bad for you that you went through that level of illness. I just want to give you a big hug. You sound very rattled. The best thing to do after this is process things and we are here to talk about them. (((LG)))

Renarde

And you know, my AV has been poking me lately too - just one, just one....I think the holidays can mess with everyone. People seem to have to celebrate with alcohol and it's a time of year that going a bit overboard is "normal." Makes it hard for us to argue with the AV when they entire world seems to be saying the hell with it, pour me another!

Since misery loves company, I will share a story of my own. My last bad drunk happened a bit over a year ago. I was in a good friend's wedding, travelled by myself for the first time in like ten years. At the event I was egged on by two other bridesmaids. We went out for drinks between wedding and reception and I had straight vodka (wtf) on an empty stomach (as my disease progressed I started drinking huge glasses of grey goose on the rocks - asking bartender to make them big - when I went out to ensure I could get buzzed enough and not Have to order too many more drinks than everyone else). At the reception I gave a lovely toast and enjoyed my dinner and drank wine. I then drank an entire bottle of champagne. Then at least two more glasses of wine, and after that, who knows (husband wasn't there to tell me I had had enough). I sobbed when an emotional song was played, I said pathetic things to a fat, unhappy, alcoholic/drug abusing groomsman about how I was so sad and unhappy and he was a catch and blah blah blah. Then the next day the groom wanted to take me and bride on a scenic drive along a winding river. Omfg. Keep in mind this is one of the longest rivers in the entire US. LOL served me right! I almost puked my liver into my lap on that drive. I said I was carsick (which I tend to get when I'm hungover) and kept begging to take the shorter route and he kept wanting to show me how pretty everything was. I wanted to DIE. We stopped at my incessant car sickness pleas and I ate a bunch of salty food. Then we had to drive all the way back. My stomach felt so hot and full and like it was trying to turn inside out. My head was still spinning from the night before. I got on the plane so hungover and dead. Add a few Xanax to the mix for (legitimate) fear of flying. I crawled up the aisles multiple times and made myself puke up the brunch and alcohol in the tiny, stinky, disgusting airplane bathroom, then crawled back to my seat, smelling of vomit on my hands and face and not having enough strength to give a damn as the makeup from the wedding the night before smeared around my watery pukey eyes. I shut my eyes and tried to take deep breaths. Horrible! Honestly writing this has actually made me nauseous. And yet it took me almost a YEAR to realize that I had a problem. To everyone else at the wedding I looked like a gal who had maybe had one too many and was having a great time celebrating the wedding of a best friend - but I had poisoned myself. I can't believe I spent so much time trying to keep it together so no one else would know. I was even lying successfully to myself.

I feel like one of the lucky ones to be here and to be free of this poison!!! Any time we have away from this awful stuff is a miracle. I am so abhorred by alcohol now. It's just horrible horrible stuff. Disgusting in every sense.

workoholic

Thanks for sharing Renarde. I have similar horror stories.
My friend from my university days got married a few years ago. His party was great, too great and I didn't remember the last part at all. (I like straight vodka, tastes like poison.. ) Woke up in my hotel room the next day-afternoon having missed my flight home. Called my sister in London to book me another one for the next day as I was too hung over to do anything myself. Last two times I visited my friend I got too drunk to remember and he had to see me to my hotel. A sign that I should give up my drinking career or what?

lommey

Thanks for your sharing and help last nigh
I slept well

phoebe64

Hmmm, well, sadly, my last drunk story is all too recent. But at least I have put to rest any lingering doubt's as to whether I am truly an alcoholic, if there were any. So there is that.

I did consciously choose to have a few during my time entertaining brother. His wife and oldest daughter were having wine and I decided to join them. I sometimes have not. Classic, if I had not had the first...

AV took over, into overdrive. I was immediately concerned there may not be enough, since all 3 of us were starting in on only 3 bottles in the house(they brought 2, hubby had bought only 1, which was deliberate, so we would not have too much). So, the first red went quickly, with 3 of us having it and then the white went at dinner, with 5 of us having some of that. So, not so bad. But I, yes I, decided to open the 3rd. And I do believe I was the only one who had any, but not all of it while they were here.

It was a weird bottle and I was actually, truly surprised when I later drained the last 1/2 glass from it. It was extremely heavy and I was sure it was half full, seriously. Did not feel terribly drunk, as we had eaten dinner and been picking at sweets and it was over 6 hours or more that i drank.

But I knew I was going ot pay for it right then. And at 2 am I was awake and miserable and have had stomach cramping and such since. I dozed off eventually and got up half an hour ago, and actually feel surprisingly well. Just tired and not all that hungry. But having coffee.

I am disappointed in myself, because it was so much and so bad for me. Clearly I have no control, once I start, even if I sometimes think I do. I also binged a bit of unhealthy food, as I do if I drink.

I feel solidly like it was my last hurrah. Just let down and embarrassed. embarrassed to have to face all of you here. Nobody in my real life cares. Husband still sleeping, and just getting up now, i think. I ma sure he had his fare share as well.

So, it *is* officially pajama day, and time to get on with healthy living. Holidays are done for me. There is a bottle of champagne there that hubby bought over a week ago, and I could care less. i want nothing to do with it. I hope I am really there now.

But, yeah, definitely an alcoholic.

Renarde

(((Rochele))) We all care very much!!

From one drunk to another - Welcome to your new healthy life...? Big hugs. Xoxo

Renarde

Workaholic, those sound like some rough episodes, especially the missed flight. Somehow sharing these stories and reading yours help me.

Renarde

Rochele, have you ever read Drinking: A Love Story? It is one of my favorite books. I think you might enjoy it.

kellbell123

Rochele - I think finally admitting is a great first step. I spent years questioning if I truly had a problem. I was in therapy and would have these conversations with my counselor. I would say 'nothing bad has happened. I haven't hit my bottom or anything'
Her response? 'Your bottom is when you stop digging' that was very insightful and has stuck with me all this time. The other thing she told me that I always remind myself of is that there are many stages of alcoholism but the one thing that you can count on is it is ALWAYS progressive. That is scary to me!!!

I can't tell you if you have a problem or not. It sounds like you think you do. I hope you will dig deep and fight this Rochele. Even if you haven't hit your bottom per say, ask yourself if you ever want to find out what your bottom could be? Or you could stop digging now and figure out how to be ok with being sober. It's not easy. But it's so worth it. Big hugs Rochele. I'm rooting for you!

kellbell123

Renarde - so glad to have you back healthy! You sound like yourself again

kellbell123

Lill - what an epiphany! I think you are well on your way girlfriend!

kellbell123

All of these hangover stories are making me queasy! I have so many horrible memories of hangovers not sure I could pick just one. It's really quite humiliating the ass I have made of myself. Let me ponder this awhile. It's a good exercise to process these a remember why we quit!