kadidee

Thanks, Elseware! I was writing while you were posting so just now seeing it. Yes, that's exactly it...the change in the familiar and feeling disordered. It's going to be okay. I never realized I had such a problem with change. Geesh.

Viperidae

JD, all that travel must make it tough because of the booze. My buddy is a CEO of pretty successful company. He flies all over the world and they meet him with booze in hand along with whatever other pleasures you can imagine. I have no clue how he does it. It's just not an issue and he's faithful to his wife. He lives in Barcelona and has an extra room for me and a lot of extra money, I think I would kill myself with wine in a month.

Viperidae

Yesterday after my success with the new clinic and after 2 hours of cleaning up with my brother, I was primed for some 'relaxation.'

I had to force myself into bed at 4pm and cover my head with blankets and just wait and wait. Later I went for Chinese with my friend and went to bed at 10.

I'm super eager to please the new therapist, but it's not her that matters. I'm always starving for approval. Another issue.

Elseware

Well, you have my approval, Johnny. I an see how hard you're working. I'm glad you're back here posting. I am loving this new therapist. When you get a good one it is a treasure. Keep smiling and look for the good!

Elseware

Jdooner, that does sound like a horrendous schedule and a lot on your plate. It must be difficult to find respite within that lifestyle. You must miss the stability of your family with all that travel. Stay strong and stay in touch now and again.

Elseware

Oh and I forgot! A new horse! The excitement must be running at an all time high at your house. Merry Christmas and all!

kadidee

Johnny, maybe wanting to please your new therapist is a good motivator to get started. Accountability can be a strong force. When I was hatching my fiendish plan to take a hiatus from SR to drink through the break, one variable that I considered was having to come clean to the group once my drunk fest was over. The accountability I feel toward SR is a motivating tool that has kept me on track when times get tough.

advbike

Hope you're doing ok Kadi. Mine has been after me lately too. I'm okay as long as I stay in the protected environment I've created for myself, but this time of year I always start thinking of getaways to warmer climates. Two nights ago I was thinking about a trip to SE Asia and came to the realization that I would not be able to do it without drinking beer on the beaches. So I gave that idea up for now, but last night I started thinking about a month in Mexico, or Costa Rica but I'm not even sure if I could handle that. He's being very devious right now. I suspect I can't go anywhere, except maybe riding the motorcycle down to Arizona for a week or two, lol.

advbike

Same here. I think half my motivation sometimes is to be able to tell my therapist that I haven't slipped. He's a recovered alcoholic and big AA guy and has been pushing me to get the 4th step inventory done but I get a certain ego-driven satisfaction of not having to use the program. However deep down I suspect I need to get it done and will see a psychic benefit (thanks to JD in another thread for that term).

advbike

Hey Johnny, your posts have been very helpful and I can relate. As far as relaxation, do you have a way to get some exercise or yoga? I have found the latter very calming lately.

jdooner

The travel is tough but it is okay. I used to use it as an excuse to drink or rationalize my drinking. I don't work for the money anymore - yeah its a way to keep score but I genuinely love what I do and I am helping so many with the technology.

My meetings are with CEOs of some of the World's largest companies GE, Siemens, Samsung. So my challenge is to keep my pride low and ego in check. The energy of being involved in a major rollout or signing of a huge deal is what often left me feeling worthy of celebrating. So now I have the tools and need to channel this energy.

Some tricks for traveling - I only stay in the best hotels with both a spa and swimming pool and state of the art gyms. I never like "the charm" of a hotel. Four Seasons, Ritz, Grand Hyatt, Westin then I don't have to worry about keeping up my routine - I know this may come across snobby but its less about what my room is like and more about the accouterments of the accommodations.

Russia will be different - I am sort of dreading this trip.

Clients that want to party and hit the strip clubs and brothels, I will just avoid - these are usually low level guys so they can not impact anything anyhow. Before it was me rationalizing all this.

Vegas should be quite boring in Jan - always fun to see CES overlap with the Porn convention. Seeing a porn star walking half dressed next to a SVP at Samsung is always funny in the Venetian annex.

Else - The horse is great - he is 16 and my wife is thrilled. She has all the tackle and went a bit crazy in the saddlery store but I am glad she can find a hobby that she is passionate about. Feels good to give back - before it was always about my hobbies.

swam 2200M today and a bit sore. It helps to see the definition coming back in my core and shoulders. Dropped from a size 40 to a loose size 38 waist - goal is 34 and sub 12% body fat.

ADVbike - as a prelude to your 4th step, I have chronicled a memoir and only up to age 20 currently. This has been helpful to see patterns in my life. I am also making notes of things I forget but later remember or memories that are out of place chronologically. I anticipate I will explore this further with my therapist, who is also a recovered alcoholic and proponent of AA.

For me it was simple in terms of using a program - I looked at guys I know that are sober and what people refer to as a dry drunk. For me if I am going to live in turmoil, I may as well drink. What I want is the spiritual relationship, the ease that people who have recovered have. Whether this comes through RR, AA or some other program I don't judge. Personally, I think it has to do with faith - not in religion but in some type of program. Having faith that you have a program that can help you do the right thing and remove the obsessive thinking in my mind is the psychic change I often refer to.

Sorry for the length of this response.

advbike

Good tips on travel JD, and I agree that the business travel and hotels don't present as much of an issue, at least for me. The tropical beaches and vacation travel in general are more of a problem. And, um, I drank like a fish in Moscow, well at least for me.

Great idea to do a memoir of sorts prior to attempting Step 4. It's funny, when I read AA literature and Big Book they make step 4 look so simple, but in reality it looks daunting if you want to get value out of it.

Lastly, I appreciate your point about living like a dry drunk and that one might as well be drinking. I suspect that's why I always went back to drinking - its no fun living as a dry drunk with all the obsessions going full force. Turmoil is indeed a good word for it.

Venecia

Hi, all --

Looks like everyone is facing their challenges head-on and heads held high. Really proud of you guys.

Interesting discussion about travel. Stay strong during the times ahead, Dooner. I hear you on Russia -- a challenging place for folks like us. When I traveled in the former Soviet Union, it felt like someone was putting vodka in front of me all the time, and I don't even like it. Advbike, I know what you mean about beaches. For me, there's an association between beaches and a cold beer(s). But in all honesty, it never really used to matter all that much where I traveled -- I'd hook up with wine or beer. When I vacationed in September, before I joined SR, I managed to go the entire time without succumbing so the good news is that it is doable!

Kadidee -- glad you got through these last couple of tough days. I hope you found a good Ruth Rendell/Barbara Vine book to enjoy over the holidays!

More later. BTW, I finally -- after all this time -- had a dream in which I drank one glass of wine. Three or four nights ago, either the night I posted about my fear or relapse or the following night. It was not a pleasant way to wake up because I remember thinking I liked it in the dream and that worried me. Oddly enough, it was also a sweet wine and I didn't like that "in the day."

Man, I hope that doesn't happen again.

Oh, and the rest of the dream? I was the personal assistant to Cher on a garlic-growing research farm. I honestly don't know where THAT came from.

kadidee

Lol! I don't know what's funnier, the Cher part or the garlic-growing research farm, haha.

Venecia

Well, I have to admit that ag research would make sense. It is connected to my job.

But garlic? Cher? Whacky stuff!

Sleep is better for me, though, these days so I guess one weird night shouldn't throw me off *too* much. It was more the content of the dream (the wine part) that was disconcerting.

I'm doing better at breaking old habits and eating some at night so I don't go to bed hungry and then wondering why I'm not sleeping. One other thing: I used to have nightmares, and that seems to have subsided greatly. Perhaps it has something to do with going to bed sober rather than falling into "sleep" after pouring depressants into my system beforehand.

Lots of "ah-ha" moments these days.

Dee74

I tired not to let the dreams worry me - I didn't think of them as subconscious desires to drink or anything.

Drinking was a huge part of my life - I think it's natural that a memory bubble or two might break the surface every so often.

D

Oceanlady

Visited Russia last August before stopping wine. Glad I didn't like vodka either..I too get some crazy dreams, but have not experienced Cher or garlic factory.

jdooner

Just signed up for Vinyasa Hot Yoga tomorrow am for the 6AM power hour. Kind of excited to get back in the studio…I am the big sweaty guy amongst all the petite women. Should be good for my tennis and swimming though to open up the joints and muscles - hips were feeling tight in the pool.

Elseware

JD! Where do you get all your energy? Are you still able to sleep well? Just curious. Also curious about your horse. Gelding or mare? What kind? What color? Is your wife going to jump or show? Ride trail? Barrel race? Herd cows? You don't have to answer, of course. I'm just excited for you and your family. Nothing like a horse. Nothing I love better than getting a new one, either. And talking about them. They are beautiful animals and all have their own personalities. My favorite little mare is a buckskin, Missouri Fox Trotter named Blizzard's Sandyrella. She's a beauty, if I do say so myself.

merchantsun

Hi everyone! Checking in at 4 months today :-) I hope all of you are doing well!! Happy Holidays :-)