Class of August 2013 - Part 8
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Back in the day, I worried I was getting addicted to SR...I eventually realised addiction takes away from your life and SR was adding to mine 
D
D
It's all good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
We're here for each other if those evil thoughts resurface.
I've sort of rejiggered my SR connections. When I first discovered SR, I practically camped out here! Everything I read resonated and helped build my strength.
Lately, I've found myself kind of tip-toeing around the forums. It feels like a lot of what's out there in the newcomers section is about relapse. Speaking only for me, it started to feel as though it was almost a self-fulfilling prophecy ... that it will happen to us sooner or later. And that's not helpful for me. It makes me feel as though the success I've experienced so far is just an illusion and that I'm going to implode like one of those hotels in Vegas that you see in news clips when they're demolished.
Yet, I know I couldn't have done this without SR. In the first half of the year, if you had told me that by mid-December I'd be starting my fifth month of sobriety, I would not have thought it possible.
So I'm trying to find the right balance between maintaining and gaining self-awareness -- and being very vigilant -- and not being bummed out by a lot of what I read. I come here a lot for the positives. I lurk occasionally on the "One Year and Under" forum, too, and that seems to be a source of strength.
Dee, I'd be interested in your insights here. Honestly, you are such a wise friend.
I've sort of rejiggered my SR connections. When I first discovered SR, I practically camped out here! Everything I read resonated and helped build my strength.
Lately, I've found myself kind of tip-toeing around the forums. It feels like a lot of what's out there in the newcomers section is about relapse. Speaking only for me, it started to feel as though it was almost a self-fulfilling prophecy ... that it will happen to us sooner or later. And that's not helpful for me. It makes me feel as though the success I've experienced so far is just an illusion and that I'm going to implode like one of those hotels in Vegas that you see in news clips when they're demolished.
Yet, I know I couldn't have done this without SR. In the first half of the year, if you had told me that by mid-December I'd be starting my fifth month of sobriety, I would not have thought it possible.
So I'm trying to find the right balance between maintaining and gaining self-awareness -- and being very vigilant -- and not being bummed out by a lot of what I read. I come here a lot for the positives. I lurk occasionally on the "One Year and Under" forum, too, and that seems to be a source of strength.
Dee, I'd be interested in your insights here. Honestly, you are such a wise friend.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
It was a long time ago, and a different Dee...but I can relate to being scared of relapse. I was terrified.
I gradually worked out tho, with the help of a few wise mentors, that I was responsible for my own success in recovery, not anything anyone said or did.
Once I really internalised that, really believed it, things got a lot easier for me here.
My main problem tho was feeling other peoples struggle too much - I really wanted to forcibly grab a few people to safety more than once.
Of course you can't do that.
I had to learn, the hard way, that all I have to offer is my experience.
I feel, if I'm offering more than that, I'm probably trying to walk someone elses journey for them...
and that's not good for either of us, cos walking the journey is the way we learn stuff...
Learning boundaries wasn't easy for me because I am empathetic and I am a bit of a 'fixer' by nature...but I'm glad I did. cos I think it makes me a better contributor here
not sure I answered the question tho
D
I gradually worked out tho, with the help of a few wise mentors, that I was responsible for my own success in recovery, not anything anyone said or did.
Once I really internalised that, really believed it, things got a lot easier for me here.
My main problem tho was feeling other peoples struggle too much - I really wanted to forcibly grab a few people to safety more than once.
Of course you can't do that.
I had to learn, the hard way, that all I have to offer is my experience.
I feel, if I'm offering more than that, I'm probably trying to walk someone elses journey for them...
and that's not good for either of us, cos walking the journey is the way we learn stuff...
Learning boundaries wasn't easy for me because I am empathetic and I am a bit of a 'fixer' by nature...but I'm glad I did. cos I think it makes me a better contributor here
not sure I answered the question tho
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Originally Posted by Dee74
Learning boundaries wasn't easy for me because I am empathetic and I am a bit of a 'fixer' by nature...
Yet another reason not to drink...an alcoholic can't drink and also expect to grow in healthy directions. Sobriety has to be the baseline before new healthy patterns can develop (I'm speaking in my adult voice here to my recalcitrant AV who thinks we should take a holiday from sober-land). Thursday is four months though! Begone you mofo.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by Venecia
Lately, I've found myself kind of tip-toeing around the forums. It feels like a lot of what's out there in the newcomers section is about relapse. Speaking only for me, it started to feel as though it was almost a self-fulfilling prophecy ... that it will happen to us sooner or later. And that's not helpful for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Sometimes I don't sleep at night. I go to sleep all right and then I wake up about 2:45 and sit up staring like an owl. Now is the time of the full moon and things are bright as they can be in the dark. I was awake until about 5:00. And then I drifted back to sleep. Sleeping was never my best thing but this is becoming a habit. I don't feel particularly anxious about anything but sometimes I must say I start my day at a very unGodly hour. Or I try with all my heart to GO BACK TO SLEEP. It doesn't work. But last night I just read my book for a while, petted my cat, and tried to stay calm about it instead of pacing around, drinking coffee and wringing my hands. It wasn't too bad. I don't have to be so anxious about everything I'm figuring out. I don't particularly feel over tired. So it's ok I guess. I'm learning. This is a hard time of year for me since my sister died. It was 12 years ago this week.
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the load in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the load in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
Last edited by Elseware; 12-18-2013 at 07:44 PM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Well the new therapist and clinic could not have worked out better. That woman is a task master! Sharp as a whip and ready to get to work. She cautioned me that this will take a while. This is no 3 month process. I need to start small. Keep a schedule, get up in at 9am, eat at regular times, start cleaning this place out 1 hour a day, etc. She said right now we will just focus on me showing up. Don't stress about anything for the future. Don't go crazy cleaning. Just establish a basic structure and get things going a little. And try my best not to drink.
She knows I am self sabotaging and holding myself back, that fear has got me, but we cannot even begin to discuss any of that until the schedule and basic needs are being met. I'm a little frustrated that I cannot rush things or make it faster because the course of action simply will fail if I do. For instance if I clean the hell out of this place for 2 weeks straight, it is a recipe for the total failure of the entire operation. That has been my M.O. for years and it obviously does not work.
She also got me into a substance abuse group every week. And my new MD will be next week.
The Psychologist was so spot on and quick with her questions. I have seen a lot of therapists and several very expensive ones, but never one so engaged or on task.
She knows I am self sabotaging and holding myself back, that fear has got me, but we cannot even begin to discuss any of that until the schedule and basic needs are being met. I'm a little frustrated that I cannot rush things or make it faster because the course of action simply will fail if I do. For instance if I clean the hell out of this place for 2 weeks straight, it is a recipe for the total failure of the entire operation. That has been my M.O. for years and it obviously does not work.
She also got me into a substance abuse group every week. And my new MD will be next week.
The Psychologist was so spot on and quick with her questions. I have seen a lot of therapists and several very expensive ones, but never one so engaged or on task.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
"I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the load in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware"
You, too, Elseware. And may I just say I LOVE it when you call us your "kiddies."
You, too, Elseware. And may I just say I LOVE it when you call us your "kiddies."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Elseware
Sometimes I don't sleep at night. I go to sleep all right and then I wake up about 2:45 and sit up staring like an owl. Now is the time of the full moon and things are bright as they can be in the dark. I was awake until about 5:00. And then I drifted back to sleep. Sleeping was never my best thing but this is becoming a habit. I don't feel particularly anxious about anything but sometimes I must say I start my day at a very unGodly hour. Or I try with all my heart to GO BACK TO SLEEP. It doesn't work. But last night I just read my book for a while, petted my cat, and tried to stay calm about it instead of pacing around, drinking coffee and wringing my hands. It wasn't too bad. I don't have to be so anxious about everything I'm figuring out. I don't particularly feel over tired. So it's ok I guess. I'm learning. This is a hard time of year for me since my sister died. It was 12 years ago this week.
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the load in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the load in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
My wife's horse arrive this AM around 2AM, so get to meet him today - newest addition to our family.
I have three more weeks before work kicks into high gear. MY trave schedule starts back up Jan 6th on the West Coast then Russia, London, Switzerland, Germany, Luxembourg then back then off to Asia for Feb. I am grateful I have built a program now, as I think it should pay dividends while on the road.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 728
Originally Posted by Elseware
Sometimes I don't sleep at night. I go to sleep all right and then I wake up about 2:45 and sit up staring like an owl. Now is the time of the full moon and things are bright as they can be in the dark. I was awake until about 5:00. And then I drifted back to sleep. Sleeping was never my best thing but this is becoming a habit. I don't feel particularly anxious about anything but sometimes I must say I start my day at a very unGodly hour. Or I try with all my heart to GO BACK TO SLEEP. It doesn't work. But last night I just read my book for a while, petted my cat, and tried to stay calm about it instead of pacing around, drinking coffee and wringing my hands. It wasn't too bad. I don't have to be so anxious about everything I'm figuring out. I don't particularly feel over tired. So it's ok I guess. I'm learning. This is a hard time of year for me since my sister died. It was 12 years ago this week.
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the loadthe in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
I hope you are all well, my Kiddies, in this most busy and sometimes stressful time of year. I think about you everyday as we are getting on with our lives. We've done well and deserve a good holiday but most of all we're really going to be up for a Happy NEW Year We've worked hard for it. We're new people and a new life is there for the taking even if we do have some baggage. Gradually we can lighten the loadthe in the coming year. The sun will begin coming back soon. I always count that as a new beginning more than January 1st. Love, Elseware
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Stay strong, Kadi. Sounds like the change in routine has snagged you a bit. We're all here for you. Keep being aware of what is going on in your brain. Keep telling that pesky AV NO, it will quiet down in a bit.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Kadidee, I missed your post about having difficulty with the end of the semester. I'm sorry I didn't catch that until this morning. Boy, that AV surely came out with the bag of tricks for you when your routine changed! I know how that is. It happens for me when I got back from a trip. Everything feels disordered and uncomfortable and the urge to use "just a little" is very, very strong. You will be all right. I know that you will. I think this might be a major challenge. Empty time always is for me. I don't tolerate boredom and "free" time very well. But I'm learning. Everyday it's a struggle to find something to be interested in. To put my mind on instead of going for something to cover me in that addicts haze. It's very hard especially when the anxiety kicks in, too. But we've seen here how strong you can be so try, just one block of time, at a time to get through this. It will be a major victory and when school starts again in the new year you'll have something to be very, very happy about. Post here often as you need . Ill be watching for you. I hope you're all right. Please post soon! I'm thinking of you.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Thanks, FG.
Today I did something different. It's a beautiful day today, warm and sunny. I generally have my blinds only half open, but today I opened the ones in the living and dining room all the way...lots of sunshine in my little rental house today. It's definitely a pick me up. Today I'm going to brave the shops and find some gifts. When I was drinking coffee this morning in the sunshine, I felt some peace, like 'I think I'm going to make it'. Last night before going to bed, I re-read some of my old posts. One was especially fortifying: I quit drinking on August 1, but drove in a hazy panic to the store for two bottles on August 15th because I felt like I couldn't cope with life sober. I made myself sick from drinking that night, and when I re-read my post, the feeling of darkness and gloom and physical grossness came back clearly. I do NOT want to do that again.
Elseware, I am so sorry about your sister. Holidays are always hard when it comes to lost loved ones. If we took your lack of sleeping problem and my oversleeping problem, we might come out somewhere in the middle. I thought that I would start to pop out of bed at 6 am rearing to go once I quit drinking, but nope. I think I'm sleeping too much and it makes me feel lazy. I'm glad you were able to stay calm though when you woke up in the middle of the night the last time.
Venecia, I'm going to look for that author when I go to the library tomorrow, hopefully to find an audio book for the drive home next week.
Happy sober Thursday, all!
Today I did something different. It's a beautiful day today, warm and sunny. I generally have my blinds only half open, but today I opened the ones in the living and dining room all the way...lots of sunshine in my little rental house today. It's definitely a pick me up. Today I'm going to brave the shops and find some gifts. When I was drinking coffee this morning in the sunshine, I felt some peace, like 'I think I'm going to make it'. Last night before going to bed, I re-read some of my old posts. One was especially fortifying: I quit drinking on August 1, but drove in a hazy panic to the store for two bottles on August 15th because I felt like I couldn't cope with life sober. I made myself sick from drinking that night, and when I re-read my post, the feeling of darkness and gloom and physical grossness came back clearly. I do NOT want to do that again.
Elseware, I am so sorry about your sister. Holidays are always hard when it comes to lost loved ones. If we took your lack of sleeping problem and my oversleeping problem, we might come out somewhere in the middle. I thought that I would start to pop out of bed at 6 am rearing to go once I quit drinking, but nope. I think I'm sleeping too much and it makes me feel lazy. I'm glad you were able to stay calm though when you woke up in the middle of the night the last time.
Venecia, I'm going to look for that author when I go to the library tomorrow, hopefully to find an audio book for the drive home next week.
Happy sober Thursday, all!
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