Class of August 2013 - Part 8
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Johnny, does this awful sister/woman have to be in your life at all?! Good grief, she sounds like a vicious nutball! I only say this because I had a sister (I actually loved her very much and she loved me) but I had a sister I had to cut out of my life because she was so bad for me. It hurt me to do it and she resented me all the more for not playing with her. But it was me or her. I chose me. Selfish? She sure as hell thought so. She is dead now (drugs) and I carry much survivors guilt to this very day. Her kids hate my guts. I don't know if this kind of action will work for you or if it's even possible with this "person" but you sure don't need that kind of negative energy in your life. Maybe next time you find yourself alone on a holiday you could volunteer somewhere or something. Sometimes it helps to be with people worse off than you. I'm sorry you had such a difficult holiday. I think of you often. You should post here more!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Yeah, I've learned the hard way to copy and paste *everything* I write. I had the exact same experience you did, Johnny. Conversely, sometimes when I'm shutting down my Mac, it looks like I've got about 10 versions of SR open. Oh well ... a small price to pay for the support you lovely people offer. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Originally Posted by advbike 
Catch a mild buzz, do some (fantasy) planning...
Looking back, it all seems predictable (that I wouldn't follow through on putting plans into action), but at the time I genuinely thought (under the influence) that "okay, THIS time will be different...I'll wake up tomorrow and tackle this list."
I was having major cravings this afternoon as I finished some of the last of the grading. Then I felt depressed that I "couldn't" drink. Then I thought about how FG always says "I choose not to drink today" (thanks, FG). Part of me is actually scared to drink. I'm scared that I wouldn't stop. I had so much momentum in the early days and not sure if I could muster that again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by kadidee
I did that too, the fantasy planning thing. I would come home from work tired, but after a glass or two of wine I started feeling energetic and creative. I made loads of lists of what I would do the next day, and made plans with friends during some of those wine calls. When the time came to get the list done though, I felt tired and apathetic. And I always regretted making whatever plans I did because it cut into my drinking time.
Looking back, it all seems predictable (that I wouldn't follow through on putting plans into action), but at the time I genuinely thought (under the influence) that "okay, THIS time will be different...I'll wake up tomorrow and tackle this list."
I was having major cravings this afternoon as I finished some of the last of the grading. Then I felt depressed that I "couldn't" drink. Then I thought about how FG always says "I choose not to drink today" (thanks, FG). Part of me is actually scared to drink. I'm scared that I wouldn't stop. I had so much momentum in the early days and not sure if I could muster that again.
Looking back, it all seems predictable (that I wouldn't follow through on putting plans into action), but at the time I genuinely thought (under the influence) that "okay, THIS time will be different...I'll wake up tomorrow and tackle this list."
I was having major cravings this afternoon as I finished some of the last of the grading. Then I felt depressed that I "couldn't" drink. Then I thought about how FG always says "I choose not to drink today" (thanks, FG). Part of me is actually scared to drink. I'm scared that I wouldn't stop. I had so much momentum in the early days and not sure if I could muster that again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
My 5 1/2 year old taught me something about gratitude today. She told my wife that she is hopeful Santa will get her this American Girl Doll and that she would really look forward to that. Then she said but if Santa decides to give me one of those rocks (coal) she would paint it and cherish it anyhow.
Made me smile.
Made me smile.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Hello folks. I've been hit with allergies pretty hard the last few days. They seem to have abated a bit this evening, perhaps the wind stopped blowing or changed direction. Yes, allergies in December, I'm one of the lucky few. I have flareups all year round.
Elseware - your triumph over the pill bottle was amazing. Don't be too mad at hubby. He is fortunate that he doesn't get it.
JD - You lead a much more public and social life than I, it is inspiring to hear how boldly you have met those challenges. I'm not sure I could handle it as gracefully or at all. I used to be 'that guy' too.
Sean - Bad experience in China, yes, but the 'don't rock the boat' atmosphere is present in varying doses everywhere. As a veteran boat-rocker, I've had to learn that sometimes those attitudes must be tolerated. It is only a job. I've learned you can't drink work problems away. Sometimes you just change to see what's next.
Sheknits - great stuff with the kids and the ice fishing.
Venecia - 'being' and remembering is good stuff
Rest of ya - thanks for sharing, reading what everyone writes here helps my perspective
Me - Seem to have turned a corner a bit. Went from months of 'choosing not to' to a few days of 'wanting to' and now I'm on the second day of 'not wanting to'. I don't remember this from before, but it feels peaceful. Hopefully it hangs around.
FG
Elseware - your triumph over the pill bottle was amazing. Don't be too mad at hubby. He is fortunate that he doesn't get it.
JD - You lead a much more public and social life than I, it is inspiring to hear how boldly you have met those challenges. I'm not sure I could handle it as gracefully or at all. I used to be 'that guy' too.
Sean - Bad experience in China, yes, but the 'don't rock the boat' atmosphere is present in varying doses everywhere. As a veteran boat-rocker, I've had to learn that sometimes those attitudes must be tolerated. It is only a job. I've learned you can't drink work problems away. Sometimes you just change to see what's next.
Sheknits - great stuff with the kids and the ice fishing.
Venecia - 'being' and remembering is good stuff
Rest of ya - thanks for sharing, reading what everyone writes here helps my perspective
Me - Seem to have turned a corner a bit. Went from months of 'choosing not to' to a few days of 'wanting to' and now I'm on the second day of 'not wanting to'. I don't remember this from before, but it feels peaceful. Hopefully it hangs around.
FG
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Elseware
Oh boy! I hope that little darling finds her dolly!
I am really enjoying noticing and being present. Before, I would listen and if was not about how great I am I would tune it out. My sister told me last night, I have become nicer and its noticeable.
I am really excited for Christmas this year.
FG - I am glad things are improving. I think you could handle my situations just fine...you are stronger than you think and I am glad we share the same sobriety date. I turn 40 on my 4th month this 27th.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I posted a similar version in another section, so I have cut and pasted the applicable section here.
I turn 40 years old next week and coincidentally (or perhaps it is not a coincidence) I will also mark my 4 months of sobriety on the same day. 6 months ago I had planned this major celebration; even have some of the contracts from the band, security people, laser systems and DJ gear people, body paint guy to paint the strippers/servers. This was to show everyone how important I am and how far I have come. In my mind I wanted to be the Pheonix rising from a humble beginning with all my wealth to show everyone how I have "arrived." This stems from the deep seeded insecurity that has fueled an insatiable ambition but also what almost killed me too. Instead of the fanfare, I will spend my birthday like Christmas with family - no DJs, no booze, high on the pure joy my children will experience.
Like a kid getting a new present, I feel my family and life are my new presents. I am the proverbial blind man that has had his vision returned. Clarity never enjoyed before in my life. I realize how misguided I was and how truly grateful I am to have what means the most to me back. All my money that I have accumulated and all the things I would buy houses, sports cars, exotic trips, all to feed my inner ghosts were never able to give me the peace I feel now. I am truly content and if God takes my life today, I would be blessed for this moment that I share with you. Perhaps this is my miracle?
I want to thank you. Your sharing of experiences has truly helped and inspired me.
I am not going anywhere but prob will try to reduce the amount of time I surf SR (Safari automaticly goes to this website on my computers and tablet ugh), instead I wanted to pay homage to all of you that have helped lift me up and get me to the place I enjoy at this moment. They say it takes a village and for the hopeless alcoholic/addict like myself it took the SR village and AA to help save my life – thank you.
JPD
I turn 40 years old next week and coincidentally (or perhaps it is not a coincidence) I will also mark my 4 months of sobriety on the same day. 6 months ago I had planned this major celebration; even have some of the contracts from the band, security people, laser systems and DJ gear people, body paint guy to paint the strippers/servers. This was to show everyone how important I am and how far I have come. In my mind I wanted to be the Pheonix rising from a humble beginning with all my wealth to show everyone how I have "arrived." This stems from the deep seeded insecurity that has fueled an insatiable ambition but also what almost killed me too. Instead of the fanfare, I will spend my birthday like Christmas with family - no DJs, no booze, high on the pure joy my children will experience.
Like a kid getting a new present, I feel my family and life are my new presents. I am the proverbial blind man that has had his vision returned. Clarity never enjoyed before in my life. I realize how misguided I was and how truly grateful I am to have what means the most to me back. All my money that I have accumulated and all the things I would buy houses, sports cars, exotic trips, all to feed my inner ghosts were never able to give me the peace I feel now. I am truly content and if God takes my life today, I would be blessed for this moment that I share with you. Perhaps this is my miracle?
I want to thank you. Your sharing of experiences has truly helped and inspired me.
I am not going anywhere but prob will try to reduce the amount of time I surf SR (Safari automaticly goes to this website on my computers and tablet ugh), instead I wanted to pay homage to all of you that have helped lift me up and get me to the place I enjoy at this moment. They say it takes a village and for the hopeless alcoholic/addict like myself it took the SR village and AA to help save my life – thank you.
JPD
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Great progression in thinking JD, your recovery seems to be going well. I found the story of your daughter's school experience to be particularly charming. I have learned a lot from your sharing of your experiences, and want to thank you for being so open with them, and honest about your thought process.
I also have been tapering back on SR but have to consciously remember not to let my guard down or thoughts of drinking can sneak back in. The great thing about posting here is it seems to pro-actively address (or short circuit) some of those thought processes and keeps them at bay. Both through accountability, and serving as a constant reminder.
Hopefully the need to constantly remind ourselves of the damaging past will go down as healthy roots take hold. I want to live as much in the present as I can.
I also have been tapering back on SR but have to consciously remember not to let my guard down or thoughts of drinking can sneak back in. The great thing about posting here is it seems to pro-actively address (or short circuit) some of those thought processes and keeps them at bay. Both through accountability, and serving as a constant reminder.
Hopefully the need to constantly remind ourselves of the damaging past will go down as healthy roots take hold. I want to live as much in the present as I can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by advbike
Great progression in thinking JD, your recovery seems to be going well. I found the story of your daughter's school experience to be particularly charming. I have learned a lot from your sharing of your experiences, and want to thank you for being so open with them, and honest about your thought process.
I also have been tapering back on SR but have to consciously remember not to let my guard down or thoughts of drinking can sneak back in. The great thing about posting here is it seems to pro-actively address (or short circuit) some of those thought processes and keeps them at bay. Both through accountability, and serving as a constant reminder.
Hopefully the need to constantly remind ourselves of the damaging past will go down as healthy roots take hold. I want to live as much in the present as I can.
I also have been tapering back on SR but have to consciously remember not to let my guard down or thoughts of drinking can sneak back in. The great thing about posting here is it seems to pro-actively address (or short circuit) some of those thought processes and keeps them at bay. Both through accountability, and serving as a constant reminder.
Hopefully the need to constantly remind ourselves of the damaging past will go down as healthy roots take hold. I want to live as much in the present as I can.
I am glad my posts help - I have learned much from you, including some great book suggestions, which have changed my view on things.
I really like our class here, so I am not going to disappear just might cut down how often I check during the day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Originally Posted by jdooner
I am not going anywhere but prob will try to reduce the amount of time I surf SR (Safari automaticly goes to this website on my computers and tablet ugh), instead I wanted to pay homage to all of you that have helped lift me up and get me to the place I enjoy at this moment. They say it takes a village and for the hopeless alcoholic/addict like myself it took the SR village and AA to help save my life – thank you.
JPD
JPD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
JD, that is quite a transformation and a realization. It sounds like you gained about 5,000 wisdom points recently. Maybe start a charity?
Of course nothing is stopping me from starting a non-profit with 1 dollar right now, except me.
Else- No the evil sister does not have to be in my life and will not be. I will miss her kids. They love me, and know she's nuts. One major factor is that I am not an independent person, and having family has helped me a great deal. Not that my sister ever gave me any money, but just to know you have a bed waiting for you instead of the gutter is a good feeling. And I wanted and tried for so long to have a loving relationship with her. But I need to be an independent person, even at 43 I need get there.
It is cold and snowy here. I always love snowstorms and rainstorms. The atmosphere is amazing here. It's like an Edgar Allan Poe scene. However, the dark and cold do not help the depression. I'm lucky to get 5 hours out of bed right now. Terrific for not drinking actually.
New Psychologist tomorrow, new MD next week. Teeth cleaned today. I didn't not realize they now blast the dirt off your teeth and from under your gums with a mega high powered sonic water gun. A much better experience all around.
And my brother will be the first family member to enter my house in years to try to coordinate how we are going to clean this place up, and get rid of things. I have huge collections of stuff. I'd like to be independent and doing my photography/writing thing for a small income in a warm climate sooner than later.
I have no intentions of getting rich, just living with very few possessions and having a happy little life. I'd like to downsize to a large backpack for now and get a room in New Mexico, Spain, Columbia...I know some people.
Is it too political to mention VT's new universal health care system? Unreal.
Of course nothing is stopping me from starting a non-profit with 1 dollar right now, except me.
Else- No the evil sister does not have to be in my life and will not be. I will miss her kids. They love me, and know she's nuts. One major factor is that I am not an independent person, and having family has helped me a great deal. Not that my sister ever gave me any money, but just to know you have a bed waiting for you instead of the gutter is a good feeling. And I wanted and tried for so long to have a loving relationship with her. But I need to be an independent person, even at 43 I need get there.
It is cold and snowy here. I always love snowstorms and rainstorms. The atmosphere is amazing here. It's like an Edgar Allan Poe scene. However, the dark and cold do not help the depression. I'm lucky to get 5 hours out of bed right now. Terrific for not drinking actually.
New Psychologist tomorrow, new MD next week. Teeth cleaned today. I didn't not realize they now blast the dirt off your teeth and from under your gums with a mega high powered sonic water gun. A much better experience all around.
And my brother will be the first family member to enter my house in years to try to coordinate how we are going to clean this place up, and get rid of things. I have huge collections of stuff. I'd like to be independent and doing my photography/writing thing for a small income in a warm climate sooner than later.
I have no intentions of getting rich, just living with very few possessions and having a happy little life. I'd like to downsize to a large backpack for now and get a room in New Mexico, Spain, Columbia...I know some people.
Is it too political to mention VT's new universal health care system? Unreal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
I had evil, evil thoughts today. I took a nap after submitting my grades and while laying in bed came up with a devious plan to go AWOL from SR so that I could drink over the break and come back in January to start over.
Stupid. Plan. Indeed.
I don't think I need to be weaning myself off of SR anytime soon with those types of thoughts so you guys are stuck with me. I realized shortly after I hatched the plan from hell that I'm always edgy at the end of the semester. The familiar is gone and I have to start a new routine. I just need to be aware that I always feel this way (edgy, lonely, tired) for a few days to a week in May and December and that it's just a feeling that will pass. Drinking will make it worse, not better, to state the obvious.
Stupid. Plan. Indeed.
I don't think I need to be weaning myself off of SR anytime soon with those types of thoughts so you guys are stuck with me. I realized shortly after I hatched the plan from hell that I'm always edgy at the end of the semester. The familiar is gone and I have to start a new routine. I just need to be aware that I always feel this way (edgy, lonely, tired) for a few days to a week in May and December and that it's just a feeling that will pass. Drinking will make it worse, not better, to state the obvious.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Thanks Johnny. I have some very particular expertise and it just so happens it has some crossover with addiction. I hesitate to say much more, as it kind of gives me away but I believe it is my purpose to cross my professional and personal interests. I have accepted a Scientific Advisory role with a World renowned University that is working on addiction and using my technology to reduce or cure the effects.
We are currently working with rats and mice.
We are currently working with rats and mice.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Kadi, I too have been guilty of a clever plan. Can't recall if I confessed to it here, but it became decidedly less clever the more I thought about it. After a day or so I was able to flick it away like a piece of lint.
Johnny, I'm actively trying to simplify my life, have been doing so for about a year, even while I was drinking. I find that the things I used to want so much now bring me no joy, they seem to own me. I'm greatly enjoying throwing things away or giving them to others. Try it, it's quite freeing.
Johnny, I'm actively trying to simplify my life, have been doing so for about a year, even while I was drinking. I find that the things I used to want so much now bring me no joy, they seem to own me. I'm greatly enjoying throwing things away or giving them to others. Try it, it's quite freeing.
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