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Class of October 2013 - Part 6

Old 11-25-2013, 02:56 PM
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Class of October 2013 - Part 6

last part here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-5-a-20.html

D
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Old 11-25-2013, 04:10 PM
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CD....I can sooooo relate...especially today. We just returned after SUCH a relaxing day at the beach. I drank water/iced tea during the beach day, and my husband drank beer. While we were sitting on the patio, sun going down, I said, "I really would like a glass of wine right now"....It just felt so "right" at the time....to be sipping a drink in the tropics, while the sun is setting...Romanticizing the drink....BUT...I was able to "talk the drink through" with my husband (who, as I have said before) married me when I was sober. Although, like DD...he loves me to death, and if I asked him to go get me some wine, I think he would. I know, for me, I definitely was "planning" my relapses...one time, I even had a therapist "call me out" on it. I didn't realize I was doing it...but again, I think that DEEP DOWN I want to be able to drink like a "normal" person. Just isn't in the cards for me....Chin up, CD....you can start your day over any time Glad you're back! Hugs!
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Old 11-25-2013, 04:35 PM
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CD, you said that you think goals and counting days was hurting you. I find goal setting helpful and what is helping me is just constantly moving the bar. I originally told myself (and my husband) that I was giving it one month. Then I noticed I liked sobriety so I wanted to make it to my new liver. Now I really want to make it to three months because a majority of people have said that is when sobriety starts being a good bit easier, plus that will get me past the holidays. Forever seems too daunting to manage right now, and one day at a time gets tedious and obsessive (although it helped me a lot the first few weeks), but I find that having some goals has been helpful for me.
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Old 11-25-2013, 05:12 PM
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DD, I never went into this with a plan to stop for x amount of days. I guess I was shooting for forever all along. Forever doesn't really scare me that much as I haven't had the cravings or desire to drink. Other than my grandfather, who may or may not have been an alcoholic, I don't have a big family history of problem drinkers. I guess this makes me the first real one, if that is anything to brag about.
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:05 PM
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I think deep down I want it to be forever too, Bilr, and I am definitely moving in that direction. The more sobriety seems more my norm (and certainly, no one can deny the benefits to sobriety), the more I think my mind gets used to the fact that I will never drink alcohol again and I am coming closer to really letting it sink in that not drinking alcohol really isn't a sacrifice. I wish I could be as steadfast as you seem to be, but I am honestly just not there yet.
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons View Post
I think deep down I want it to be forever too, Bilr, and I am definitely moving in that direction. The more sobriety seems more my norm (and certainly, no one can deny the benefits to sobriety), the more I think my mind gets used to the fact that I will never drink alcohol again and I am coming closer to really letting it sink in that not drinking alcohol really isn't a sacrifice. I wish I could be as steadfast as you seem to be, but I am honestly just not there yet.
It isn't always as easy as I make it seem. Some days are better than others. It's just that I'm realizing that being in different moods is normal. It is okay to be in a grumpy mood once in a while. I am also trying to disassociate negative things that happen, or being in a bad mood, with drinking.

I get that you don't think you're there yet. You did do a really good thing over the summer and only drank on weekends. I could never have committed to that even on a good week. I enjoyed the buzz of liquor way too much. The funny thing was that I drank the same amount every night, and didn't let myself go over that. I guess that's why I didn't justify that I was a full blown alcoholic, but I am/was/am? I never savored the taste of anything I drank like wine drinkers seem to, so that might be part of it.
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Old 11-25-2013, 07:01 PM
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I operated on a one day at a time basis for a while. Forever seemed too immense.
One day I just realised forever was no longer a big deal - I was doing it

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Old 11-25-2013, 07:06 PM
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I ultimately think alcohol sucks for anyone ~ just like McDonalds sucks for anyone. I have seen every drinking pattern possible on this forum, yet the common denominator is that we all want it out of our lives yet find it so dam= hard to quit it. In one way or another we are all addicted to it, whether we want to admit it or not. I think what I am coming to terms with is that me+alcohol=unpredictability. Many times I could control my intake. (didn't enjoy doing it, but I could. I am a pretty tenacious, stubborn person, too, so that helps) However, I also have a list in my sobriety journal of times that I didn't/couldn't control my alcohol intake, starting in my teen years and ending early this year. That list comprises of my deepest regrets and the most shameful moments in my life. So, unless I had a guarantee that I could always control my intake (and I do not have that), I really am taking a huge risk (at the very least with my self respect) the minute I commit to drinking one alcoholic beverage. I am trying very hard to accept this with my whole being.
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Old 11-25-2013, 10:19 PM
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DD, I like what you explain there. I was listening to an AA speaker online and he explained that for him when defining his alcoholism, the strong factor was that he knew that every time he drank, there was no for sure guarantee what was going to happen. That resonated with me, especially right now with under 30 days clean and my AV talking to me. Who cares about strict definitions- I know that when I drink I DO NOT know exactly how it will end... And that's becoming easier for me to accept.
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:18 AM
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BIL glad your dog is doing better, I worry about my 13 and 12 yr old dogs all the time.

CD It is awesome you came back and share your relapse with us, for what you went thru is what I would be afraid of going thru.

On a happy note on my side, my husband drinks heavy, yet he went to deer camp for 12 days, when he returned home this past Sunday he looked at me and said I need to slow down on my drinking or quit. I said good for you. Well last night when I got home he was drinking coffee, I asked him if he was serious. He said that he realizes how unhealthy he has gotten, and the fact he can't remember what we talk about the night before was getting to him. He said that he hopes in time when we go out with friends he could have a beer or two and be done. I told him that would be great, but I know for a fact that can't be me. For as soon as we got home I would be right back drinking full force. He said he might do the same. He is taking it day by day, but I am so grateful he has decided to quit as well. He is even going to start working out with me, along with eating right.
I know I don't post alot but I am always reading..
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:27 AM
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Hi guys...I failed at my meeting. I'm sober now but wasn't on the weekend. Feeling very defeated by this but im here. I guess in need of additional tools to beat my demons...
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:44 AM
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SM ... I'm sorry to hear of the stumble, but I'm thankful you returned here. You knew the meeting was going to be a temptation and you had some strategies in place. Have you reflected on what happened and how you could have avoided having a drink?
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:46 AM
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SM,

It is good to hear from you and that you are back here posting. I knew that this past weekend would be a daunting task for you, as you stated prior to going. Are these annual meetings or will you need to go again in the near future? You do probably need to make some changes but it looks like you are able to maintain sobriety when you are home. Peer pressure is very strong when you are early on in sobriety.
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:47 AM
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Welcome back SM--a meeting is a great temptation for anyone.
Just dust yourself off and see it as a quick blip on the radar.

HDrosebud always glad to see your post. I wish my husband would think
about quitting seriously, and take real action about health issues.
I know I can't "make" anybody do anything, but his lack of self-care
is very upsetting to me.

Selfishly, I also just don't like being around people who drink / are drunk anymore.
They talk too fast and loud for the most part and are on a "different" wave from me now--I find it really irritating but then I recall with a wince my years and years of that and wonder if this is my payback. Sigh.
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Old 11-26-2013, 04:59 AM
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Sober Marathon, you are a Tober. Luckily, the biggest trigger times for you (meetings and such) don't seem like they are a very regular occurrence in your life. You should check in with us the next time you go to one of those meetings. We'll talk you out of drinking. Whenever I am having really tempting cravings, I usually "tell on myself" here before it happens. This have been very effective for me. SR brings me back to reality.
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:05 AM
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I'm back here because it is my only viable option. When I start drinking, I don't stop for a couple days, it's terrible. Yesterday I was hungover, confused, irritable, and felt terrible. I drank two beers, with shaky hands, and then two more at the airport, followed by a glass of wine on the plane. I'm sure I wreaked of booze on the overseas flight as I battled withdrawal and insomnia. I had to use the bathroom so many times that at one point the flight attendants checked after me, probably to see if I was smoking or something. I was a mess. At home now and trying to pick up the pieces if my broken life. I have so far been lying to my wife who thinks I kept my sobriety in check this weekend. I don't want to burden her but she's suspicious I'm sure. I called my mom in tears from the airport yesterday. I didn't go into details but I feel like I want to tell her I'm an alcohol abuser and I can't completely kick it. I have been trying to get sober for almost 12 months now and I manage to quit but can't quit these binges when I'm out of town. I have to go to these meetings as often as once per month. I just have to learn to go and not drink or head out to the bar with the gang. It's funny, there was a guy at this meeting who recently gave up drinking and seems as though he's doing great. I should have asked him about it. I'm envious.

I gave in to alcohol on Thursday night. It was just me and one other co-worker, we were walking around the city, I was feeling very uncomfortable about my sobriety and essentially recommended grabbing a beer, almost forcing the issue. I brought it on myself...after all my efforts to get sober, this just doesn't make any sense. We had two beers that night in total and I had a hangover the entire next day, I guess since I'm not used to it anymore. Then Friday night, we went out and I had 5-6 beers and got tipsy. Saturday I started drinking at 3:30pm and then drank for 10-12hrs. Sunday, drank all day. Monday had five drinks total. Today, nothing. And that's the story, another binge...

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening and welcoming me back. And so the cycle begins again.
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Bilr44 View Post
SM, It is good to hear from you and that you are back here posting. I knew that this past weekend would be a daunting task for you, as you stated prior to going. Are these annual meetings or will you need to go again in the near future? You do probably need to make some changes but it looks like you are able to maintain sobriety when you are home. Peer pressure is very strong when you are early on in sobriety.
At home it's no problem now. When I'm on the road I always cave and relapse. I hate it. I gotta figure this out before it ruins my life. I almost grabbed a beer at the airport today after we landed. Glad I didn't but I'm an idiot for even thinking it. I guess this means I'm on day 1 again, crap. I had 50 days and before that 75. When am I going to learn to stop is madness????
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:16 AM
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I've been reflecting on yesterday's posts by CD, Trudging, and DD. Especially in light of this being my second attempt at long-term sobriety. My first attempt failed at 5+ months in June.

During that first attempt, I counted days initially and then switched to collecting milestones. Honestly, while working on sobriety was exciting at first it became less so towards the end. I suppose that is to be expected. It's pretty heady stuff early on collecting days and seeing the physical and mental changes that come so quickly. Eventually, however, this becomes the new normal. The status quo.

I think it was at that point that I began to seriously entertain the idea of becoming a moderate drinker. I was past the rush of new sobriety and was settling into my new normal. A lot had changed. Why couldn't I drink like everyone else now that I had broken the habit of heavy drinking? This has me worried because being at 5 weeks, I'm beginning to get used to not drinking.

Looking back, I can see that while I enjoyed my new life, I hadn't filled the void that was once filled by alcohol. I was doing the same stuff as before ... just without alcohol. I had not added anything ... either an activity or mindset ... that would be at risk if I started drinking again. I think that was a mistake.

The fact is as much damage as alcohol can do, it can be enjoyable. For me to want to claim that pleasure, as many do, was to be expected. This time around I do have a deeper sense of the physical damage alcohol had done to me. If for no other reason, I don't want to drink again as I view it as a threat to the rest of my life.

Long post just to say ... count days, collect milestones, do whatever you have to do to stay sober initially, but eventually you have to move on with your life. Don't view, as I did, life as being without alcohol. That's limiting. View, instead, life as being expansive, wonderful and possible because you don't drink.

Subtle maybe, but a significant difference for me.
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:24 AM
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Sorry for all the posting. I just need someone to talk to. I can't do this alone. My addiction to alcohol is too intense to be taken lightly. I'm going to try not to dwell but I'm also not going to let myself off that easy. What should I do differently? I realize there is no magic formula but what I'm doing now has gotten me sober at home which is a start. How am I going to eliminate the binges on the road, with co-workers? That's the question I need to address.
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:33 AM
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SM ... Do you binge on the road because you don't have the accountability you do at home (e.g., your wife)? I would always drink hard when my wife was out of town or even just away for an hour. It was like free drinking time to me. No one to hide it from ... my little secret.
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