trudgingagain

SM...glad you are back with us. In the past, I have learned to avoid "slippery" places in early sobriety. Since it seems that you cannot avoid these monthly meetings....maybe put an escape plan in place....or...take some "sobriety-related" literature....or get on SR...or ???? I found that when I relapsed, as I have said before, that apparently I had been already "planning" it. Then, I just ordered a drink....for no apparent reason....and I was off and running again. It might also help to confide in one of your co-workers (maybe the other guy who doesn't drink?). Accountability can be powerful. Whodey, I have found that I have sooooo much more time to do things, when I am not drinking...so my life seems to change by itself when I am sober. Doing gardening, cooking, researching, working on computers, and contemplating taking a Spanish class. When I used to drink, I would write stuff in my calendar book, but never knew if I would make it or not (either hungover or drunk)....ugh...the memories....

WhoDey

Very true. Accountability sometimes makes us do things we don't feel like doing.

SM ... As I'm sure you're aware, I often see advice to those wanting to run a first marathon that they tell people about their plan. By making the desire public, they are setting up accountability. Hard to skip those long runs when you've been telling everyone that you're going to run a marathon that quickly approaching.

Maybe that would work for you. Tell your Mom about your struggle. Tell your wife what happened on this trip. Peel away the layers and be vulnerable. I say that knowing full well how difficult it can be.

Bilr44

Yeah, with my wife always working a lot, it gave me free reign to drink. When she travelled overnight there was even more freedom for me. I don't want to do that anymore. I actually admired those that had the courage to just drink out in the open.

SM, I agree with WD, sounds like a non-accountability issue. Try as you might though, our wives are smarter than that and probably know what's going on. I know if I told my wife I was going on a guys weekend, she would assume that we would be drinking heavily. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet either, so I feel your pain.

WhoDey

It's funny. When drinking, I would get those funny looks from my wife (guys ... you know what I mean!) and I was fearful that it was because she wasn't happy with my drinking. Now, when I get those looks, I know it's only because I did something stupid. What a relief!

SoberMarathon

Yep...sounds like I need more accountability. I'm going to bring my mom in on this and tell the truth to my wife.

I will have several tests coming up later this week and next - might be a good thing and a chance to build some confidence.

I broke sobriety because the anxiety of not drinking or having to explain why I wasn't drinking got to me. I was very nervous about that trip and I basically just threw in the towel. I'm an idiot. I'm running out of chances here. Last time I relapsed I was very pissed with myself. This time, I'm just at a loss.

I'm very glad for this community. This past year has been my struggle for sobriety and I've relied a lot on this group, as well as previous months. I'm going to stay a tober, you guys know me well:-)

WhoDey

I know that peer pressure can be tough on men. I often feel "less than" when I don't drink with the other guys. I don't have an answer as of yet. Right now I white-knuckle through such situations, but that approach isn't sustainable.

Bilr44

I know that if I abstained from drinking with the guys it would be awkward and there would be subtle pressure to join in with them. It seems that drinking is almost a noble act when groups of guys get together. Like I've said, the guys I used to drink with are now 1,000 miles away and no immediate threat. I've always been my own worst enemy though. Actually I think all of us are when we let peer pressure dictate our lives.

SM, Good for you that you will be talking to your wife and mom. I know it seems painful but once you have done this a lot of weight will be off your shoulders. They probably know more than you think anyway. The houses we live in are not that big.

countingdays

SM, I relapsed too on Sunday night. I remember before you left that I commented that it seemed like you were setting your self up for relapse. If you go back and read your posts before you left, it almost seemed like you had resigned to the fact that you were going to fail at sobriety on your trip. I did the exact same thing to myself. My mood turned really sour in the week preceeding and the urges took on a life of their own and lasted pretty much from the moment I got home from work until bedtime. I know the one thing I should have done is come on here and say "I have a beer in my hand, remind me why I shouldn't drink it".

I remember an AA saying common among relapsers, "there is nothing worse than a belly full of beer and a head full of AA (substitute SR)". Alcoholic drinking really isn't fun anymore since I've admitted I'm an alcoholic. With every sip, the sober Angel is sitting on my shoulder guilting the crap out of me and my AV is nowhere to be found as her goal was the first sip.

countingdays

It sounds like you really need a support system to get you through those trips...perhaps reaching out to the guy you noticed doesn't drink anymore, checking in with SR and your wife, and finding local AA meetings in the city you are traveling (even if AA is not something you choose in your hometown for whatever reason....desperate times call for desperate measures?)

Business travel is really difficult for me too because often the trips seem more about forging business alliances through drunken debauchery rather than doing any actual work. The whole what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. Of course, parties gravitate to partiers and there are plenty of others who don't behave this way.

WhoDey

The thing for me, however, is that once I have that beer in my hand the last thing I want is for someone to remind me why I shouldn't drink. I can't get to that point. Like we've said, relapse is a process. I have to short-circuit the process early if I what to stay sober. Which is one reason I'm committed to frequently posting here!

I grew up in a conservative faith tradition where it was understood that we were not to drink alcohol. I didn't have my first drink until I was 22. I wonder if the same kind of dogmatic approach would work now. Make it a part of my "religion" (in the broadest sense) that alcohol is not permissable. No debate. It's a non-starter.

SM ... As a marathon runner, I know you have it within you to do the heavy-lifting necessary to beat this. I frequently draw on my long distance running past to motivate/inspire me to do what I know needs to be done. Not every workout is fun or easy, yet you do them because you have your eye on the prize.

countingdays

After my relapse I wasn't sure how I was going to feel regarding starting over. So far I do not feel I am back at square one. With my 42 sober days, I broke the habit of every night or every other night drinking and all my slip did was reinforce that I cannot drink responsibly. So, since Oct 3, I have 53 out of 55 days sober. Not perfect, but a drastic improvement from where I was. Now to just eliminate the "slips" all together. I agree with what someone else said....the mistake I made was not filling the void with something else positive so I let my AV convince me I was bored and missing out.

WhoDey

Great attitude, CD. No one wants to relapse, but we can put so much pressure on ourselves that a "slip" can become a reason to give up. You haven't given up! Even if we don't slip, this journey is a learning process. You are learning valuable lessons.

53 sober days out of 55 is huge IMO. I think my slip was necessary to set my mind straight. I just wish I had been like you and stopped the bleeding right away. Instead I let 4 months pass before I had the courage to give sobriety another attempt.

SoberMarathon

Lots of great posts and advice...thanks guys. Although I might seem like a total wimp with no will power, continuing to relapse time and time again, I'm not giving up yet. I really like being sober and I hate being drunk and hungover, simple as that. Not sure what my plan is but I will not drink, I can promise that. I need a more concrete plan at work outings, that is clear. I thought I had one before but apparently I didn't have an effective one.

I forced this relapse but why? Because I felt uneasy about not drinking so I forced the drinking. Must be some psychological explanation for that counterintuitive behavior.

Day 1 again. Please learn from my mistakes - relapsing certainly isn't worth the pain. This is at least my sixth relapse this past year. This has got to stop!

SoberMarathon

I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't think I slept at all last night on the plane. I hope I can sleep tonight. I have slight chills and a funny taste in my mouth. Yesterday I couldn't eat, I had one meal and the rest in beer. Also smoked like a fiend over the weekend. I am such a destructive drinker...why do I still choose to drink?!

fishoutawatta

SM Glad you're back! Beginning again is no shame, but a clear self-admission that the new state is better than the old!

I think all of us can identify with you!

Tobers: Onward!

Fishy

Bilr44

SM,

We all use/used alcohol as a crutch for something. Normal people wouldn't choose to drink every night and get drunk. Everyone needs to find out the root cause of their drinking, especially if we are having a difficult time quitting. Maybe it used to make us more comfortable in a crowd, maybe it helped us sleep, maybe it used to calm our nerves during a stressful day. Or maybe we just wanted to fit in with a crowd. I think we all started for one of those reasons, or something different, and grew addicted.

Don't be too hard on yourself, none of us are in the position to judge, and you are among peers. You are in a different situation than me as I have no social pressure to drink. Maybe reaching out to someone in your same situation will help. That's where meetings might help.

chaili05

I was thinking that same thing... if part of the difficulty of maintaining sobriety out of town is the fact that it's far away, almost like a "vacation" from reality...

SM, I would think just ONE night of sobriety on the road would help you see "Look I can do this!"- for example, you drank that first night on your own accord! It wasn't even to "fit in" as it was your idea. When you start feeling tempted, you could log on here on your phone or computer... or what if you even told your coworkers that you're not drinking- you don't have to go into detail at all about why or what's going on, but simply telling them that you're not drinking could help you feel accountable so that you'd feel "guilty" or like you "lied" or something if you picked up a drink.

Just some ideas off the top of my head
SM, glad you came back and shared!

SoberMarathon

Thks for all the ideas guys. I just have to be more open about this rather private problem. I am not going to make this mistake again. I really don't know exactly why I let this slip happen. It's confounding to say the least. What's done is done and I have the headache and other problems to vouch for it.

I can't go to pubs or bars ...way too dangerous. Thought I was stronger than that.

Hoping my brain starts functioning normally again tomorrow. I've been out of it for a few days. Thanks for listening today.

DoubleDragons

SM, so far, in social situations, making up excuses to not drink on the occasion (on antibiotics, expecting an important call, ulcer flaring up, have to drive my kids, etc.) has worked for me and has given me the strength to see that I am strong enough to stay sober in social times. Chaili is right, you need to see that you can do this and so what if the first time you do it isn't some grand announcement that you have quit drinking. Some people choose never to make that announcement to their acquaintances.

At this point it is only my sister and my husband and my parents who know that I have officially quit drinking and I am comfortable with that. It gives me enough accountability to the people I care about, but doesn't make me feel judged or like I am in a fishbowl with other people, who frankly have no business being concerned about my drinking habits.

chaili05

Great advice,DD! Right now I only have my mom, sisters and one friend who know that I'm working on sobriety and that's it... And all I need right now!