Class of March 2013 - Part 20
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 891
Hi guys,
What to say, other than a huuuugggeeee THANK YOU. I feel like have most def been cyber hugged! It's 2 am with me and I should most def be asleep. I think there's a mixture of sleeping half the day today added to the thought provoking experience I had tonight at my first official AA meeting that's keeping me awake.
Before I go any further, yes Marcher you are correct, sadness is a huge trigger, I try so hard not to play the victim card but no matter, I still do. I miss my Mum so much, she never did internet and I received an envelope from her the day I arrived back in Melb after her funeral. It had her little hand written letter and an insurance policy she had just taken out for funeral expences as she's never had life insurance. She'd also booked and paid for a plot to be buried in. So yes, six months down the line, sadness is most def a trigger.
But, and this is a huge BUT, everyone has a story. I can't use anymore excuses, anymore crutches, at one time or other i'm sure we've all be 'victims' in one stage or form.....comes with the territory of being a human!
Duff, Chuff, MeSo, Sass: each of you have proven you can do it, if anything i've most def been the least consistent, i've just so happened to hang around like a bad smell!!
We can most def do this......I love the thought of us doing it together, just thinking about my struggling but determined friends from various sides of the pond and of course us upside down people
This was intended to be a short post but I haven't even spoken about my meeting yet!
It's advertised as a 'beginners' meeting but there were people there who were sober 7 years plus. I drank two beers before I went, dutch courage! They had a list of about 70 questions and randomly chose the questions and the person to 'share' their interpretation. When it came to me (which I couldn't believe they expected me to speak, but actually overcame the nerves and quite enjoyed it). The question was dealing with overcoming denial!!! I shared a little of my story, but really I couldn't accurately answer the question other than forcing myself to walk through the doors was overcoming my denial and admitting my dependance. Next time I plan to do that minus the dutch courage.
Sorry to rabbit on. Thanks for reading/listening, and thanks for being my supportive cyber friends. LP x
What to say, other than a huuuugggeeee THANK YOU. I feel like have most def been cyber hugged! It's 2 am with me and I should most def be asleep. I think there's a mixture of sleeping half the day today added to the thought provoking experience I had tonight at my first official AA meeting that's keeping me awake.
Before I go any further, yes Marcher you are correct, sadness is a huge trigger, I try so hard not to play the victim card but no matter, I still do. I miss my Mum so much, she never did internet and I received an envelope from her the day I arrived back in Melb after her funeral. It had her little hand written letter and an insurance policy she had just taken out for funeral expences as she's never had life insurance. She'd also booked and paid for a plot to be buried in. So yes, six months down the line, sadness is most def a trigger.
But, and this is a huge BUT, everyone has a story. I can't use anymore excuses, anymore crutches, at one time or other i'm sure we've all be 'victims' in one stage or form.....comes with the territory of being a human!
Duff, Chuff, MeSo, Sass: each of you have proven you can do it, if anything i've most def been the least consistent, i've just so happened to hang around like a bad smell!!
We can most def do this......I love the thought of us doing it together, just thinking about my struggling but determined friends from various sides of the pond and of course us upside down people
This was intended to be a short post but I haven't even spoken about my meeting yet!
It's advertised as a 'beginners' meeting but there were people there who were sober 7 years plus. I drank two beers before I went, dutch courage! They had a list of about 70 questions and randomly chose the questions and the person to 'share' their interpretation. When it came to me (which I couldn't believe they expected me to speak, but actually overcame the nerves and quite enjoyed it). The question was dealing with overcoming denial!!! I shared a little of my story, but really I couldn't accurately answer the question other than forcing myself to walk through the doors was overcoming my denial and admitting my dependance. Next time I plan to do that minus the dutch courage.
Sorry to rabbit on. Thanks for reading/listening, and thanks for being my supportive cyber friends. LP x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rogersville, Tennessee
Posts: 2,659
Originally Posted by Marcher13 
ETA Maybe I'm thick but I'm starting to realise that stoping drinking is just the beginning, what this recovery is all about is learning to be ourselves and coping with life while being ourselves.
Life, Glad you came back, You can do it!
Went to session #11 today, was handed another sheet of what booze does to the brain, I had a mini snap and told him that there is not 1 thing that he has shown me that I couldn't have found on my own within 20 minutes of web searching.
Only one more session left!!!
Joy and Natty, haven't heard from you in a while, I hope all is well!
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rogersville, Tennessee
Posts: 2,659
Tonight is our last Bocce night of the season. We are playing the last place team and we are not much above them.
Our team captain is good friends with the opposing teams captain, so for fun tonight I talked with both captains and during our last game tonight I am going to rip my shirt off, showing that I have on the other teams shirt and start trying to make our team lose! This will be a heel turn worthy of the WWE!
Our team captain is good friends with the opposing teams captain, so for fun tonight I talked with both captains and during our last game tonight I am going to rip my shirt off, showing that I have on the other teams shirt and start trying to make our team lose! This will be a heel turn worthy of the WWE!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
I think there are any number of hurdles to overcome to stay sober. Right after I decided to do so (each and every time) I had the worst cravings and felt like I could never survive them without alcohol. After getting past that, there are all of the "firsts" - re-encountering situations that always resulted in drinking in the past. Then, like many of us, I'd go through a phase of thinking I wasn't really an alcoholic and could handle one glass. We all know just how well that one turns out. Then there is a longer term quiet version of the AV... The only solution I can see is total abstinence. Yes, it is hard but the rewards of staying sober are so much greater than getting sauced.
The things that help me include (but are not limited to): never drinking and driving (I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt someone), minimizing how much cash I carry with me (I won't charge alcohol on my credit cards), review my list of reasons to stay sober, get an image of a table with a white tablecloth and wine glasses, bottles, erc. And picture myself yanking the tablecloth and sweeping it all "off the table", exercise, doing things where I focus so intently that I don't feel any cravings (for me that is reading novels), etc!
For those just getting back to staying sober, I know you can do it! I suspect that probably even Dee might have given up on me I slipped so many times! But having made it past 6 months was really huge this time. It is so very worth it
The things that help me include (but are not limited to): never drinking and driving (I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt someone), minimizing how much cash I carry with me (I won't charge alcohol on my credit cards), review my list of reasons to stay sober, get an image of a table with a white tablecloth and wine glasses, bottles, erc. And picture myself yanking the tablecloth and sweeping it all "off the table", exercise, doing things where I focus so intently that I don't feel any cravings (for me that is reading novels), etc!
For those just getting back to staying sober, I know you can do it! I suspect that probably even Dee might have given up on me I slipped so many times! But having made it past 6 months was really huge this time. It is so very worth it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Bud, you are awesome!!! Wish I was at your bocce game! I'm pretty good, as is my birthright. 
Lifet, good for doing something different and going to aa. Good folks. And the meetings are even more fun sober. At least for me, it was nice to contribute and no longer be paranoid that they must know I too chugged a beer beforehand. We weren't the first and won't be the last, but you will like it sober! And the funny thing about drinking because we are
sad? It makes us even more sad. Which in turn totally sucks. Break the loop, you will see.
Lifet, good for doing something different and going to aa. Good folks. And the meetings are even more fun sober. At least for me, it was nice to contribute and no longer be paranoid that they must know I too chugged a beer beforehand. We weren't the first and won't be the last, but you will like it sober! And the funny thing about drinking because we are
sad? It makes us even more sad. Which in turn totally sucks. Break the loop, you will see.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Good morning Marchers It's a beautiful day outside, I have my rose pink shirt on, our forum is running fine and the members have nothing but sympathy and praise for this dill. What a change in me from 24 hours ago!
I think this is one of those times when we all need to pull hard together -- some of us have little challenges, others are putting the glass down again, none of us want to get complacent. Onwards with the Marchers' bus.
Have a good and sober day everyone.
It's a beautiful day outside, I have my rose pink shirt on, our forum is running fine and the members have nothing but sympathy and praise for this dill. What a change in me from 24 hours ago! I think this is one of those times when we all need to pull hard together -- some of us have little challenges, others are putting the glass down again, none of us want to get complacent. Onwards with the Marchers' bus.
Have a good and sober day everyone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hey Life and Meso!
Glad you are back. xoxo
Me and man friend are no more. No big reason other than it just wasn't enough for me. Hard to explain. Nothing he did wrong. He's a great guy and friend. Just had to move on. So I think part of my funk was confronting how I felt. Not feeling all that great but I'm not falling apart by any means. Just sad. I just said something doesn't feel right and I need time to find out why that is. That's all I know.
And when I left his house I had the thought to go drink it away. But then I thought about how lovely today would have been all hungover smelling like a winery at my new job. I get to start fresh there and I don't won't a repeat. So maybe a new job can a little motivator when you need it. I just stopped at girlfriends. Blabbed to her and then went home to bed.
I feel pretty good about doing what I needed to do and being true to me. But that's about all I feel good about. Feel like I'm losing a friend. And I am. Just don't see how guys and girls can just be friends when they have been more. I'm not too interested in hearing about his dating life. Don't know if I can or know how to do that.
Anyway. Yep. Life goes on sober or drunk. What do ya do but just plug on.
On a happy note the people at work are starting to tell me how nice and funny I am. That made me feel good. And one of the owners was talking to me and another woman and they started talking about their favorite drink. He asked me mine and I said I don't drink with a big smile. They both said really? I said ya, really. Then he said. Wow! You have a lot going for you! Smart, hard working, don't drink, easy on the eyes. Good for you! He was just being nice. He meant it as a compliment. So there you have it. Some people don't think its weird not to drink. They think its cool to just be who you are.
Hang in there everybody. I will if you will.
xoxo
Glad you are back. xoxo
Me and man friend are no more. No big reason other than it just wasn't enough for me. Hard to explain. Nothing he did wrong. He's a great guy and friend. Just had to move on. So I think part of my funk was confronting how I felt. Not feeling all that great but I'm not falling apart by any means. Just sad. I just said something doesn't feel right and I need time to find out why that is. That's all I know.
And when I left his house I had the thought to go drink it away. But then I thought about how lovely today would have been all hungover smelling like a winery at my new job. I get to start fresh there and I don't won't a repeat. So maybe a new job can a little motivator when you need it. I just stopped at girlfriends. Blabbed to her and then went home to bed.
I feel pretty good about doing what I needed to do and being true to me. But that's about all I feel good about. Feel like I'm losing a friend. And I am. Just don't see how guys and girls can just be friends when they have been more. I'm not too interested in hearing about his dating life. Don't know if I can or know how to do that.
Anyway. Yep. Life goes on sober or drunk. What do ya do but just plug on.
On a happy note the people at work are starting to tell me how nice and funny I am. That made me feel good. And one of the owners was talking to me and another woman and they started talking about their favorite drink. He asked me mine and I said I don't drink with a big smile. They both said really? I said ya, really. Then he said. Wow! You have a lot going for you! Smart, hard working, don't drink, easy on the eyes. Good for you! He was just being nice. He meant it as a compliment. So there you have it. Some people don't think its weird not to drink. They think its cool to just be who you are.
Hang in there everybody. I will if you will.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Oh and Life! I'm glad you are giving AA a try. How do you know what helps if you don't try?? Take the parts that work and put anything perplexing on the back burner for thinking about later. No matter what people think about anything that helps us, I think it's always a good thing to keep an open mind.
I like meetings. I like reading books about the steps. I like that no matter where I am or where I go I can quickly go meet up with a bunch of people like me if I need too. I don't have to understand everything or agree with everything. Me personally, I've never walked out feeling worse. Just me.
I like meetings. I like reading books about the steps. I like that no matter where I am or where I go I can quickly go meet up with a bunch of people like me if I need too. I don't have to understand everything or agree with everything. Me personally, I've never walked out feeling worse. Just me.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Shoes, good on you for doing the right thing rather than the way thing. One of the big differences between drunk and sober, immature and mature behavior. Of course it hurts, doing the right thing can often bring pain, but it also brings personal growth. And I feel you just took a big step forward in yours.
It sounds like you also have a few friends to be at work which is lovely. Look forward, never back. X
It sounds like you also have a few friends to be at work which is lovely. Look forward, never back. X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,733
((Shoes))
Breakups stink. No doubt about that. But you're doing what you know in your heart is right for you and how can you go wrong with that? Hmmmmm....I wonder what (or who) is around the next corner for you?? I bet someone as wonderful as you are who has everything you are looking for.
So glad to hear things are going well at the new job - and of course they're dazzled by you! xoxo
Breakups stink. No doubt about that. But you're doing what you know in your heart is right for you and how can you go wrong with that? Hmmmmm....I wonder what (or who) is around the next corner for you?? I bet someone as wonderful as you are who has everything you are looking for.
So glad to hear things are going well at the new job - and of course they're dazzled by you! xoxo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Oh dazzled is a stretch Duff. I just got a compliment when I needed it.
No matter how a relationship ends I always wished they begged me to not leave. Haha. It does always stink. Except one. I had one where I couldn't get out of there fast enough. He turned into a mean *ss control freak and I was out of there. MF was a good guy. I just always knew we where more friends than anything. We both deserve more.
Another one bites the dust.
No matter how a relationship ends I always wished they begged me to not leave. Haha. It does always stink. Except one. I had one where I couldn't get out of there fast enough. He turned into a mean *ss control freak and I was out of there. MF was a good guy. I just always knew we where more friends than anything. We both deserve more.
Another one bites the dust.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Good morning Marchers. Shoes I'm proud of you, it's as simple as that. Good to see you Babs, the Marcher bus is chugging along well. Ster quadruplets how are you all going?
I had an experience last night which was probably a natural release from tension with no booze involved. After I ate dinner I was enormously tired, we were all watching and enjoying Grand Designs on TV, I was knitting when a wave of sleepiness rolled over me. I could barely hold my eyelids up until 8.30pm, I was physically struggling to keep my eyes open. I decided to get ready for bed and that's the last thing I remember until 6.30 this morning. How well the body can repair itself when we listen to it and don't interfere. I feel great this morning. Eight months ago I would have had several drinks last night exacerbating the exhaustion I already felt.
Have a good and sober day Marchers.
I had an experience last night which was probably a natural release from tension with no booze involved. After I ate dinner I was enormously tired, we were all watching and enjoying Grand Designs on TV, I was knitting when a wave of sleepiness rolled over me. I could barely hold my eyelids up until 8.30pm, I was physically struggling to keep my eyes open. I decided to get ready for bed and that's the last thing I remember until 6.30 this morning. How well the body can repair itself when we listen to it and don't interfere. I feel great this morning. Eight months ago I would have had several drinks last night exacerbating the exhaustion I already felt.
Have a good and sober day Marchers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Hello all!
Shoes, Xs and Os back at you! I really admire your having the courage, as toots said, to do the hard thing when it would've been so easy to just hang around. That takes guts and I often wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it if it happened to me. Easy to think and contemplate, hard to DO. So feel good about that much!
BuddinK, eager to hear about the game. As for that oh-so-informative sheet on alcohol's effects on the brain -- it reminded me of a story. Years ago, my brother worked at my uncle's steel company. My uncle was a grade-A character with a considerable fortune and a certain devil-may-care way about him. Back in the '90s apparently one of the company's suppliers, I assume, faxed some back charges that he claimed my uncle was responsible for. So Uncle Andy takes one look at these back charges and announces that the guy could wipe his [backside] with them. He was genteel like that.
Marcher, there is really nothing like a great night's sleep, is there? And here's to making (or letting) it happen without alcohol! Keep up the good work!
Duffster, I say yes to no more lying! Except I might have to tell a couple to get another job. I would give an arm not to have to hide how I was dismissed from my two recent salaried career jobs. To have NOTHING to hide.
Lifetplant, no matter how many times you drink again, try to learn something each and every time that you can use to avoid it the next time. Something has to be different, I tell myself. And remember, too, that you only to succeed once. You'll never be judged or shamed by anyone here, especially me. I have way too many failings of my own for that nonsense.
Toots, if we all come to Scotland will you put us up? My significant other's (who I don't actually know IS my significant other in light of my latest drinking episode daughter is currently studying in Edinburgh and he'd told me several times about things she's seen and done over there. Sounds fantastic!
Chuff, how YOU doin'? So glad you rejoined in my absence. It wasn't the same without you!
Saskia, Babs, Wehav, and anyone I left out, God forbid, sending you love!
It has occurred to me before that most of the time when I come here I'm inclined to write about myself, which I guess is only human but I want to make a real effort to address and comment on others' posts while I'm here.
I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Barney's Version, which stars Paul Giamatti and Dustin Hoffman, among others, but I loved it. Giamatti (love him) plays a heavy-drinking television producer (Totally Unnecessary Productions) who -- well, I don't want to give away any significant plot twists but at one point during the movie he quotes Shakespeare, "Be great in act, as you have in thought," and I love the quote because I have sucked at that. Good at planning, great intentions, crappy execution. But I found the quote really inspiring and I think I'm gonna make it my new signature line. Time for a change and all like that.
I found out yesterday I'm gonna be unemployed. Uh-gain. I might've contributed to it but the owner told me weeks ago that business has really dropped off, and I don't think the government shutdown helped. Yesterday I felt like finding a nearby bridge or skyscraper, particularly still suffering as I was from my bender rebound. Today I feel better.
I may avoid panic because I have a benefactress, who is the mother of the woman I mentioned here over the summer who was diagnosed in June with glioblastoma multiforme at age 50. This weekend I texted the daughter that I was a no-show at her farm this weekend because I drank. I told her how disgusted I was with myself, etc.
Got an e-mail from her mom, who is about 70 and an absolute DELIGHT, as kind as the day is long and smart to boot. She wrote to me,
Thinking about you...worried and wanting to help in any way any time. Be of good cheer!! Luisa and I are right behind you...pushing you forward!! We wont let you fall or fail. Big hugs with much love, E
I'm crying just reading it again. They are such a blessing, as are you all.
Hugs and strength and health and happiness . . .
Shoes, Xs and Os back at you! I really admire your having the courage, as toots said, to do the hard thing when it would've been so easy to just hang around. That takes guts and I often wonder if I'd be strong enough to do it if it happened to me. Easy to think and contemplate, hard to DO. So feel good about that much!
BuddinK, eager to hear about the game. As for that oh-so-informative sheet on alcohol's effects on the brain -- it reminded me of a story. Years ago, my brother worked at my uncle's steel company. My uncle was a grade-A character with a considerable fortune and a certain devil-may-care way about him. Back in the '90s apparently one of the company's suppliers, I assume, faxed some back charges that he claimed my uncle was responsible for. So Uncle Andy takes one look at these back charges and announces that the guy could wipe his [backside] with them. He was genteel like that.
Marcher, there is really nothing like a great night's sleep, is there? And here's to making (or letting) it happen without alcohol! Keep up the good work!
Duffster, I say yes to no more lying! Except I might have to tell a couple to get another job. I would give an arm not to have to hide how I was dismissed from my two recent salaried career jobs. To have NOTHING to hide.
Lifetplant, no matter how many times you drink again, try to learn something each and every time that you can use to avoid it the next time. Something has to be different, I tell myself. And remember, too, that you only to succeed once. You'll never be judged or shamed by anyone here, especially me. I have way too many failings of my own for that nonsense.
Toots, if we all come to Scotland will you put us up? My significant other's (who I don't actually know IS my significant other in light of my latest drinking episode daughter is currently studying in Edinburgh and he'd told me several times about things she's seen and done over there. Sounds fantastic!
Chuff, how YOU doin'? So glad you rejoined in my absence. It wasn't the same without you!
Saskia, Babs, Wehav, and anyone I left out, God forbid, sending you love!
It has occurred to me before that most of the time when I come here I'm inclined to write about myself, which I guess is only human but I want to make a real effort to address and comment on others' posts while I'm here.
I don't know if any of you have seen the movie Barney's Version, which stars Paul Giamatti and Dustin Hoffman, among others, but I loved it. Giamatti (love him) plays a heavy-drinking television producer (Totally Unnecessary Productions) who -- well, I don't want to give away any significant plot twists but at one point during the movie he quotes Shakespeare, "Be great in act, as you have in thought," and I love the quote because I have sucked at that. Good at planning, great intentions, crappy execution. But I found the quote really inspiring and I think I'm gonna make it my new signature line. Time for a change and all like that.
I found out yesterday I'm gonna be unemployed. Uh-gain. I might've contributed to it but the owner told me weeks ago that business has really dropped off, and I don't think the government shutdown helped. Yesterday I felt like finding a nearby bridge or skyscraper, particularly still suffering as I was from my bender rebound. Today I feel better.
I may avoid panic because I have a benefactress, who is the mother of the woman I mentioned here over the summer who was diagnosed in June with glioblastoma multiforme at age 50. This weekend I texted the daughter that I was a no-show at her farm this weekend because I drank. I told her how disgusted I was with myself, etc.
Got an e-mail from her mom, who is about 70 and an absolute DELIGHT, as kind as the day is long and smart to boot. She wrote to me,
Thinking about you...worried and wanting to help in any way any time. Be of good cheer!! Luisa and I are right behind you...pushing you forward!! We wont let you fall or fail. Big hugs with much love, E
I'm crying just reading it again. They are such a blessing, as are you all.
Hugs and strength and health and happiness . . .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Jeez Meso....that made me cry just reading that. I think you and I might have the unemployment record. I've been downsized so many times I lost count. Throw in a few resignations too. Hey, if anything we know it will be okay. That's the good thing about being experienced in that department.
I got a lot of experience in the breakup department too. Note to self...break ups bring cravings or thoughts of drinking. Not all the time but more than I care for. Honestly, if it weren't for you all and my new job I'd probably be sh*t faced by now. I don't want to let you or my job or me down plus if I drink I'll just be drunk dialing and be right back up to my eyeballs in poop. I'm sticking to a very strict routine for now. Work home sleep visit girlfriend up the street for venting and support and sticking around here.
Eventually the thoughts of drinking and feeling crappy will fade again if I don't put myself in a tricky spot now.
Damn. I don't have a date for the company Christmas party now and thanksgiving is f'd up.
Double damn.
I got a lot of experience in the breakup department too. Note to self...break ups bring cravings or thoughts of drinking. Not all the time but more than I care for. Honestly, if it weren't for you all and my new job I'd probably be sh*t faced by now. I don't want to let you or my job or me down plus if I drink I'll just be drunk dialing and be right back up to my eyeballs in poop. I'm sticking to a very strict routine for now. Work home sleep visit girlfriend up the street for venting and support and sticking around here.
Eventually the thoughts of drinking and feeling crappy will fade again if I don't put myself in a tricky spot now.
Damn. I don't have a date for the company Christmas party now and thanksgiving is f'd up.
Double damn.
Marcher
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,235
Hey, Marchers. I should have stopped in sooner, but mom's computer was acting funky and not allowing me to access much. Plus, and I will be polite here, mother was being... psychotic. I think it's all the steroids she's on, plus the narcotics and whatever else. But she is not the mother who I know and love, who raised me. It was scary. And I finally had to leave. Ok, she told me to leave. She kicked me out of her house in 25 F weather, at night, with no car. Fortunately, I had a friend to call and pick me up and let me stay with her until I could get a ride home. I've never been in that situation before and it was... I don't know the word for it other than bizarre. Her reasoning? I stayed up too late at night. And I never had a curfew or bedtime as a teenager even! I'm 45, in case any of you forget.
So, if any of you understand how meds + illness + impending death + a devoted daughter = daughter on the street, let me know. I'm clueless, and very hurt, and sad as all get out. Plus, I had to come home to an unbearable situation that will not soon resolve, if ever. I am barely hanging on here, and that's the truth. I hate hate hate feeling so needy and vulnerable and unsure. I am doing my best to stay clean, I really have no choice. I'll try to stop in more often now that I'm home. Just in a really confused spot now. I'll figure it out though. No one said it was easy, that's for sure.
Hugs to everyone. I really miss ya'll! I wish I could post better stuff, but I can't.
ps-thanks for the pm's, you know who you are. Love you too.
So, if any of you understand how meds + illness + impending death + a devoted daughter = daughter on the street, let me know. I'm clueless, and very hurt, and sad as all get out. Plus, I had to come home to an unbearable situation that will not soon resolve, if ever. I am barely hanging on here, and that's the truth. I hate hate hate feeling so needy and vulnerable and unsure. I am doing my best to stay clean, I really have no choice. I'll try to stop in more often now that I'm home. Just in a really confused spot now. I'll figure it out though. No one said it was easy, that's for sure.
Hugs to everyone. I really miss ya'll! I wish I could post better stuff, but I can't.
ps-thanks for the pm's, you know who you are. Love you too.
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