Croissant

Hi NCG. Yes, not to sound negative about another area of the forum, but I do find it a bit overly negative in that area at times. I don't think any of us mind if you share here - most of us would have dealt with another alcoholic/addict in our lives at some point.

I don't know how you handle it to be honest, whilst trying to stay sober. I do know one VERY important thing. You are in the best frame of mind to make the right decisions sober.

Remember too, this is another way alcohol is still in your life. You can't control it and that must be frustrating. I'm hoping your boyfriend makes it through this time. Such a shame he changed his mind and is attempting to moderate. Glad it's not tricking you into drinking. Good girl!xx

Dee74

There's a reason why there are separate forums
Same problem - but vastly different, but equally valid, viewing points and perspectives.

I know if people hadn't detached from me and let me hit my bottom I wouldn't be here, and I would have dragged my loved ones into the ground with me into the bargain...

My advice, if you find the FF area confronting right now, is not to look at it.

D

Ladybug2

Hi everyone,

Sorry I have been MIA the last week. I am on Day 6 after not making it through hubby's holiday party last Sat. Open bar all night and I started sneaking drinks I was struggling to get back on track after my Thanksgiving slip and I just wasn't ready for that type of environment. Anyway, long story short, I was hungover and thoroughly disgusted with myself last Sunday. Good news is I have been sober and feeling strong ever since. Thanks, Croissant & Snoozy for asking and worrying about me. Have missed you all. Guess I just felt so ashamed and didn't want to post until I felt confident I was back on track. Nothing is better than sobriety - I know that now. I hate myself drunk and hungover

Snoozy, so sorry to hear about your MIL. Thoughts are with you and your family.

Hope everyone else is doing well. We are expecting a snowstorm here tomorrow so rushing around today trying to get errands done. Just wanted to post and let you all know I am ok. Missed our July class and glad to be back

Leshar

Hi, Ladybug, good to hear from you. I'm sorry to learn what happened.
Are you involved in anything outside of SR towards recovery?

I'm attending a local addiction services agency, and I see a counsellor every two weeks or so, and I'm attending a relapse prevention group. It's a 16 week program. I find it very helpful. I know I'll miss it, and the group dynamics when it's over. We get lots of handout materials. It's a lot to do with emotional regulation/work and homework on recognizing self destructive behaviours. A lot of good material.

I'm making a "recovery" notebook of material derived from SR and other sources.
I plan to bring it with me and refer to it if I happen to be in a situation where I'm at risk, although unlike you, I suppose I'm fortunate in a way, that I don't have to deal with these holiday stresses and temptations.

My mood is still all over the place, ok one day, moody and irritable/depressed the next, but what is consistent is that every morning I wake up, I'm glad i didn't drink the day before.
It's something to build on, gives me hope.

Croissant

Ladybug, so good to hear from you. That's exactly how I felt when I slipped. I didn't even know how to begin to talk about it. It's OK.

Even if you said you wanted to go on a raging binge, we still care about you.

Does your husband know you've been drinking? No need to share, but I hope everything on that front is OK.

Leshar, I didn't realise how much you have in place to get you through. That's good.

Dee74

welcome back ladybug

D

Petecrab

Welcome back LB. sorry to hear of your troubles. X

SnoozyQ

Welcome back Ladybug , I'm so happy to hear from you hun xx don't ever feel ashamed .
We are your friends . You will NEVER be judged by us .

Was just a quick checkin to see if you were here back later , hugs to all :-) xx

forabetterlife

Glad your back LB. I typically feel the same way, hesitant to post unless I’m feeling more confident and have a few days, even though we need the support most during those beginning days again probably. I totally get it. It is so true that the more time we have, the stronger we are. The secret I have learned is getting though those tough, tough cravings, and believing that whatever your AV is telling you at the time is just a lie and it will pass. I am like you with the hangovers…I almost feel like the drinking itself isn’t nearly as bad as the hangovers. Maybe it’s just our age, or the years we have spent drinking accumulated, but for me the next day is the absolute worst- mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Snoozy, I am sorry to hear about your MIL, I lost mine last month. They can be kind of like our second mothers. We were lucky to have them. Hugs to you…

I think I’m on day 5 now after another slip last weekend. I’m not dwelling on it, I feel great right now and I’m not going back there. I know when the triggers and cravings come, and I know what to do to beat them, it’s just a matter of doing it. Waking up clearheaded, rested and positive is such an amazing, daily, natural reward for not drinking. After this coming week, I have two weeks off and I plan on taking some time to try to find some individual counseling. I am sure my insurance will pay for at least a portion of it, and I am hoping that will give me an extra piece to this puzzle to fight this battle. And, I know I need to post more, and not always when I’m feeling great. That’s a big part of my problem too.

Love to all, glad to be going through this journey with you xxoo

forabetterlife

Just wanted to share:

My daughter and I went out to dinner after her game last night to a bar/restaurant (this isn't a dangerous environment for me- it was after 8pm and I was just with my daughter- not tempting for me at all). The woman at the table next to us was with her husband and two children and I was watching her falling asleep at the table. Her family didn't seem to even look at her but her eyes kept drooping and closing. Not sure what was happening but something told me she wasn't just tired. It made me sad and a good reminder of what I would never want for myself or my family. Even if it was something innocent enough (though I doubt it), it is an image I will hold onto for a while.

NorCaliGal

Hi all -

Ladybug and FABL, good to see you back. Thank you for sharing honestly about your slips. I empathize....so difficult around the holidays especially.

I hope I didn't sound like I was bashing another forum in my previous post. That wasn't my intention! I've gotten quite a bit from the Friends and Family forum also. I think I may have to target my browsing there a little more though and specifically look for threads on things that I'm struggling with right now such as detachment vs. maintaining open lines of communication, setting boundaries vs. giving ultimatums, etc. And I appreciate being able to share what's going on here, even if it may not be considered to be the most appropriate forum.

Yesterday was my last day of work for the year - don't go back until January 2nd! Looking forward to the extended time off. Was really hoping for good holidays, am a little anxious now though. Last year my boyfriend was too drunk to make it to his own family's big holiday celebration on Christmas Eve and I spent Christmas Eve and Day without him. Now that he's drinking again can't help projecting a little bit about this happening again. Also anxious about social situations where alcohol will be flowing - my family in particular are huge wine drinkers. Right now my plan if offered a drink is to fall back on my reason of not mixing my anti-inflammatory meds with alcohol. It's worked so far....don't know if I've ever mentioned this here but no one I know believes I had/have a drinking problem. Oh sure sometimes at a party I drink too much but who doesn't? With them, an excuse (legit in this case) works much better in declining a drink than telling them directly that I've stopped drinking, because they just don't believe I have a problem.

Last night had to work late finishing up a year end report before I left. Boyfriend was at his apartment "packing" since his lease ends this weekend. Which created another opportunity for him to drink. And he decided to spend the night there as well. Better than him driving, and coming home drunk. So I had some hot chocolate and tea, watched a recorded tv show and went to sleep.

Thanks class of July for your support! Great group here, truly don't know what I'd do without it.

NCG

EternalQ

Glad to hear from you Ladybug!

Ladybug2

Thank you for this, Snoozy And thank you to everyone else for your support and encouragement. On Day 7 and can't believe I am back here after having 100+ days. Guess I need to start somewhere, though, and it is better than continuing on my downwards spiral. All I know is I need this forum, class and all of you. I can't really talk to family because they just don't get it, as much as they try to. I feel so alone sometimes with this struggle so I am grateful I have you all to share with

Big snowstorm headed our way so we will probably be snowed in today/tonight and most of tomorrow. In the past, I would have made sure I was "stocked" up, but nothing in the house this time Hot chocolate, popcorn and Xmas cookies are sounding pretty good. Will check in later. Big hugs and thanks to all you!!

Ladybug2

Hi FABL, this is a great way to look at it. You are so right about waking up hangover-free being the best reward for not drinking! Let's get those days built back up together

Ladybug2

Hi Leshar, no, I am not doing anything outside of SR. I tried AA about a year and a half ago, but didn't feel like it was really for me. Guess I should be doing more, but it's hard enough finding time to get on SR with a 3 year old I like your idea of a "recovery" notebook so maybe I will try that along with keeping a dily journal? Glad you are doing better

SlightlyOff

Hey everyone -- haven't posted for a couple weeks. Just finished up organizing a huge event at my daughter's school. Now that was managing 40 plus volunteers and 80 kids -- now *that* is something I never could've done when I drank! In fact, it's something I didn't even do when I had 3 1/2 years sobriety. Finally, even though I slipped this summer, something "clicked" with me that I'd lived here long enough (3 years) to finally feel comfortable dealing with all the other parents and every unique personality, cliques, etc. By nature I'm an introvert so taking on a big social project is the hardest thing for me (other than staying sober).

But this weekend presented its own challenges -- it's been a crazy week anyway with the big event finishing, last minute crisises, a few broken things around the house (vacuum cleaner, toilet, our back gate that we need to work in order to get into our garage, and it froze during the storm so even after it melted it still doesn't work. So we have to park on street.) But to top it off I found out yesterday that my little dog, a schit'zu, has a bladder full of stones, the exact same thing she had in September of 2012, which necessitated major surgery on a poor little 14-pound dog. I had seen blood in her urine Thursday night so immediately I knew what it was. And yes I was right.

This time the vet wants to treat her with antibiotics and special food for 6 weeks, then if the stones aren't gone major surgery again (I don't know how her little body can handle it.) Anyway, I saw the xray and there was literally a little "bag" of 20-30 stones in her bladder.

Then my husband went out of town yesterday, leaving me with my daughter. Well, I can't drink around her, because she's 14 and she would know, and she gets so angry that she'd be calling my husband in a melt-down. But I have to say that driving home in the dark rain yesterday from the vet's office, all I could think about was a nice drink by my fire. That's what I used to do years ago when it was cold outside (well hell, I drank all year but that was probably my favorite.) This season I'd put on Christmas specials on tv, pour myself drinks, and just relax by the fire. Of course I got smashed, but I wasn't thinking of that yesterday, just the "relief" I was craving. Well, I made it through last night, made it through a very busy and trying day today, and tonight took my daughter to a place that doesn't have alcohol and then shopping. And now I'm sitting by the fire without any beverage. Tomorrow it's the gym, church, helping daughter with homework, household talks, etc. And my husband comes back. I am sooooo relieved I didn't drink. Ya'll have helped me so much because as soon as I started reading here today I felt so much better.

I confronted my AV head-on, thought the drink through, realized that I have 5 months of sobriety again, and that I would be setting off a whole string of slips if I drank this weekend.

Croissant

Yes Slightly Off, it really isn't about that one or two drinks. It's what happens once it's in our system. In fact that first time, getting drunk is the least of our worries, it's all the internal triggers that get set off in our metabolism that make it so dangerous.

When I slipped, the first drink was fine. It was a week or so later when I toppled into a full near week long binge that scared the hell out of me.

Croissant

I hope you are ok Ladybug. It took me a good few weeks til I felt like I'd scraped back some self-esteem after I slipped.

Congrats on 7 alcohol free days, alcohol be gone! But you have much more than 7 days experience, that's what you need to focus on.

It will pass. It's a hiccup. I hope you figure out what led to it Sweetie.

This beast makes us think crazy. Honestly, I'm totally fine. But just now, I was watching tv and they were eating antipasto and drinking red wine. It crossed my mind to go for a walk you-know-where. I have to look at it as a fantasy, let it go. It's not something that can be acted upon. But those thoughts still pop up for all of us.

forabetterlife

Good for you being able to coordinate that event Slightlyoff! I did something similar last year: took on a ridiculous number of responsibilities at work knowing that I would never be able to handle them if I drank, and it actually worked at the time. It sounds like sobriety has increased your confidence tremendously as well. -

But, like you and Croissant, yesterday was a little difficult for me for me. I had quite a few strong, strong cravings where literally my hand was almost on the bottle at a store. I tried desperately to get to the bottom of what it was that I was seeking in alcohol. I think when I have cravings after some time not drinking- days, weeks, or months even- (I say this because drinking when I am already on a roll drinking has no rhyme or reason, it's almost automatic) it is a lack of fulfillment. I have everything I could want or need, yet there is a void that my AV tells me alcohol will fill. Anyway, I recognized this so between that and reminding myself that I would also be giving up my beautiful sober sleep and clear headed morning, I stayed strong.

And I ended up getting so much accomplished! Cleaned the house, cleaned out closets, shopped, cooked a nice dinner and spent quality time with both of my girls. Waking up to a clean, organized house rather than a mess from my drunken laziness is a reward in and of itself.

Croissant, I love your idea of looking at it like a fantasy. There was a time in our lives where maybe drinking did give us something that we were looking for (relaxation, mood elevation, etc..). But those days are long gone and never to return. It's all different now and we know that. It will never be the same, so why keep chasing it?

Leshar

Fabl, thanks for your posts. I'm so happy for you that you stayed strong, in the face of a screaming AV! Yeah, sober sleep is good! For me, I'm happy not to wake up in the early hours, in a pool of sweat, yuk!
I do understand too, about that feeling of a void. I think I've dealt with this since my teens, when my depression began, and I later used alcohol to try and get away from that void, that empty feeling.

Nice to read your post, Slightly Off. Good for you too, battling those old habits. That sounds like a major accomplishment, the event you coordinated!
Your poor little dog! I love Schitzus, a friend has an adorable female one.
I hope the rx works and that she can avoid further surgery.

Yes, Croissant, I'm glad of the support of the addiction agency. I had really struggled contacting them, and kept putting it off because I used to refer former patients there (I'm an MD) and I was horribly embarrassed to contact them on my own behalf. I was terrified too of running into former pts but so far, that hasn't happened.
But I knew I needed their services. My group finishes soon, and I will miss it. I'm not sure how much longer i am able to see my counsellor there.

I talked to my sister on FT today. It went well, actually, I wasn't feeling the resentment towards her that I'd been feeling lately. I know she has her own struggles. I think drinking makes me into a selfish person, someone I don't like or respect.

Anyway, she said that she was tired and fed up, and that she was drinking every day, and that she couldn't go a day without it and that if something came up, she'd fret and worry about when she'd be able to sit down and have her wine. She and her husband are collectors of very expensive French red wine, and I think they split a bottle every night. So, she asked me if I was drinking and I said no, but didnt elaborate. I haven't told her about SR/the addiction services. She lives in England, so she doesn't need to know, and this is how I prefer things to be for now. I want to get my sobriety legs under me first. It's not likely I'll see her for another year or so. We talked about 2015, and all getting together for my brothers 60th. All of us sibs fell in love with alcohol at an early age. I really want to be able to be around my family and not drink, booze just flows at family gatherings. So I think my sister is worried about her alcohol use too, but I don't feel ready to talk about that issue with her yet.

NorCaliGal, good luck with things as your boyfriend gives up his lease and you're living together full time again. Keep calm and stay sober!
Same to us all, thanks, guys, you're the best!