LillianGish

Yes, it is. And Loralei, please change your mind honey. This is probably the one place that you can be honest and won't judge.

And I know this is going to sound a little edgy, but it my own mind, I'm fighting a war. I relate to the world in metaphors....sorry.

I'm sad for people who disappear or leave, because I think they are on a road going backwards, not forward. I'm sad for them. I really hope they change their mind and I'm so here for them if they do. It's sad that a disease has such power over people.

I'm not sad for me when they leave though. I'm not thinking this war is all futile, because someone leaves. All I'm thinking is I'm glad I'm not going there too. I'm getting on a helicopter to get out of this enemy-infested jungle...I'm not running back into the jungle. If you think the jungle is your only solace...good luck with that.

This place is my helicopter. And I really thank you all for taking me along to a better place. We are going over the rainbow.

And yes, it's hard. It's really really hard. But the best things are worth fighting for. So for everyone reading....don't dispair for you. Each of us makes decisions on this journey - keep moving forward.

Hooped

Lorelei oh my goodness.....

There is nothing shameful about a slip and you are not a failure.
We are alcoholics, and that's what we do...we drink.
It's unnatural for us to NOT drink.
Just the fact that you joined SR with the desire to quit in the first place makes you
a big time winner in my book.

Please come back when you're ready, we are here for you.

LillianGish

Hey look at you!!! That's great Rochele!!

Congratulations!!

Plenny

Nice Rochele! Ok I have to

SkyeSea

Well done

SkyeSea

Well said!!
Lorelei hurry up and come back - the mods will be sitting around twiddling their thumbs, without your extra posts to check Can't have bored mods now, can we

Bird615

Yay, Rochele, for one month!



I liked that analogy, LillianG!

workoholic

Congratulations Rochele
I hope Lorelei will be alright, hopefully she'll come back soon.

Uninvited

It does sort of feel like our team mascot just went missing. I'm glad you aren't drinking though and hope you rejoin us soon. We all have many hugs for you when you get back.

Uninvited

Congrats Rochele!!!!!!!!

Nightswimming

Please don't leave Lorelai. A slip up is just that and it can happen to anyone. It doesn't undo all the positives from the past few weeks and everything you've achieved. You welcomed me and you've welcomed countless other with positivity and support. Now let us return that kindness and support you through your difficult time.

LillianGish

I know it feels like that - but that is a large burden for Loralei to bear. She wouldn't want you to feel that way I bet. She didn't leave us - she's retreating after a bad weekend. It's not about us at all. I know she would want everyone here to keep moving ahead.

Remember John Belushi's speech in Animal House? I'm feeling like him right now.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

phoebe64

MAN! I almost could have ruined my run today. Just got back from the dentist, where I was thinking I was only having my stitches out after my gum graft. As you all know, it was a rough time and I had to leave the stitches in an extra week, go on antibiotics, etc... During that, I had cancelled a filling they were going to do the day the stitches were originally coming out. I made it crystal clear that I would do that after this nightmare was over. Rememeber I am a dental phobe, truly, not joking.

So, I get there and she gets my stitches out and starts talking about doing the filling. Ummmm, no. Later. When this thing is all better. Well, she talked me into it, but I thought it was manipualtive to schedule the time when I had said I did not want to do it. Or, maybe it was an error, and it just got rescheduled that way.

Anyway, an unplanned filling is cause for great anxiety for me, and there was an uncomfortable exchange as we discussed it. I was made to feel a bit like I was changing my mind and time had been scheduled when I had been very clear about not doing the filling at this time. I needed it wither way and it was quick, and I am fine. But I have a headache and am stressed out.

Phobic people need to mentally prepare for facing their fears. Ambush is not fun. Was so close to pulling into the wine shop on the way home! And I would not even drink it right away, but tonight. never drank in the afternoon. But I knew that would make me feel worse, ultimately.

So, I think I will lie down for a few minutes. I have a headache.

LillianGish

Rochele, I'm sorry - that sounds like an awful experience. You did it though. You got through it!!!

I've personally been thinking about this for myself.....take it in if it helps you. No worries if it doesn't.

I have a really hard time in my life telling people no, or getting into conflict. I am the poster child for conflict avoiders. And to some degree, to a large degree actually....alcohol helped me run away from facing hard stuff in life.

I practice saying "no" in the mirror now. Being a quiet introvert....usually equates to people not really listening to me. And I have a bad habit of not really standing up for myself because...well, low self esteem kicks in. I'm a mess sometimes!

As I was listening to your story....I was thinking this sounded like some of my interactions with people. I want to scream...."LISTEN TO ME, I SAID NO!"

...and sometimes, that's a really freeing experience.

GotGrace

Wow, that stinks, rochele! Good for you for not stopping for that wine. Have a good rest and go easy on yourself this afternoon. I guess the good news is, you no longer have to dread having that filling done, eh?

Bird615

Yes, as much as that may have sucked to get railroaded into something you weren't ready for, now you don't have to worry about it.

Like Grace said, it's done! A silver lining. (or is it mercury?)

Glad you bypassed that wine shop!

phoebe64

Thanks Lillian and Grace, and Madbird(I saw your post after I posted this). .

Lillian, I could have said no, and I did, but I knew I had to do it eventaully, and did not want to have it get larger, and I was already there. So, I got used to the idea. What was weird was the exchange. My dentist was thinking I was afraid and wanting to know why I did not want to do it. "Because I just got over an infection in my mouth and was simply not planning for a filling today. I thought the appointment was for removal of my stitches only." So, she said, no, she has rescheduled the whole appointment(but that was her error, as I was very clear when I was there).

Here is the weird part. She said, "I will still like you if you do not do it today." WTF???

I responded a bit snippily, "I don't care if you like me!" LOL. I then clarified, "I am glad we do like one another, but it is not my motivation for being here. I want you to be a good dentist." And then I did let her do the filling, simply because i was going to have to do it sooner or later and she said she could do it without putting this big contraption she usually uses into my mouth. I was sure my jaw is still too stiff after my gum surgery to do that. SO, we worked it out.

But that comment, "I will still like you." So strange! She does a lot of psychobabble with me, as she did get me over my phobia and able to do dental work. So, I think she wanted ot reassure me that we were cool if I walked out today without doing the filling. But I knew that. I knw she feels terrible that she encouraged me to do the gum surgery(she referred me to a surgeon, she did not do it), and it was much harder than she had "promised." I had a very atypical experience with the procedure. And the assistant assured me the surgeon is wonderful, "an artist." I just had bad luck and swelled up and had an infection.

Anyway, a little PTSD is still going on after all of that. So the whole thing was stressful today. But I think I was clear and asserted myself with her. I have let her know my feelings about the whole ordeal.

Scary thing is I need to do the gum graft on the other side too! Ugh. Not anytime soon.

So, back to drinking. I can do well, and stay sober, and have, for stretches of time. But then, I feel this pressure cooker kind of feeling building. and I just know I am going to drink. Not now, not tomorrow, necessarily. But I feel it. Hard to explain.

But I have that feeling right now. Today. Ugh. I know i do not have to repet past history, but just describing the feeling.

Bird615

I think I might know that feeling.

Like it's building up, and building up, and I gotta blow off some steam.
I know it's coming.

And then I'm okay again.

For a while.
Until the next time.

I still feel that, but it always passes eventually.
It's been bearable enough so far, anyway.

Uninvited

That is strange! Would have me wondering if I had somehow crossed some unintended boundary with this crazy dentist. I'm a total dental phobe too. I'm cringing just reading about your experience. Glad you made it through ok and not drinking.

Renarde

Wonderful Rochele!!!