SoberMarathon

Thanks SQ!!! What a positive thread to help me start what is just Day 3. I'm determined to get out of this depression I put myself back into. I'm still alive, somehow, and need to live life to the fullest. Yesterday Dee wrote something about not dwelling on things we can't change - meaning the past, what's done is done. I have to find a way to get back there mentally. At the moment, my instinct is to stay on SR and text my sponsors. Need to also get out for a run. I haven't exercised since I fell off the wagon over a week ago. I'm running a half marathon next Sunday which was destined to be a personal best. Now, I just need to find enough courage to get to the starting line. I even thought about canceling but it would be a big loss of money so my wife would hate that. Exercise, diet, SR, and sponsors will be my recipe to keep sober.

EternalQ

Yes post as much as needed. I posted and then answered my own posts back on my Feb 2012 quit thread when no one was around. Because I had to do whatever it took to stay sober.

forabetterlife

Just checking in. Made it through the.wedding which wasnt too hard because I didnt really know anyone besides my mom so the camraderie of drinking wasnt there. But it was a tough nite for me in other ways. I felt my age.. Seeing all the 20 and 30 somethings, I felt lonely and afraid I will never be in love again, and I felt frustrated that I have to.live in the state I live in. I love my job and my kids are happy but I hate the culture and area and tend to just isolate myself there.

BUT.. its over and today I plan going over to the beach to walk on the boardwalk alone and mentally prepare myself for NOT drinking when I am out with my friends tonite.

Like SM it took me years to admit to myself that I have a problem and even though my journey includes quite a few slips, my goal is total sobriety for good, which no longer scares me a much as it used to. It actually sounds peaceful and freeing.

Thank you for the bday wishes! It was a nice day, those feelings are just life and I have to just feel them and not drink because of them. When I get home I really plan to make SR more of my life, build connections here, and read more recovery books. I need MORE, this I know. Have a great sober day all:-)

SoberMarathon

Way to go FBL! Keep up the strength and make it through the weekend...you'll feel great afterwards!

SoberMarathon

I just checked and I've posted between 40-50 times during the past 3 days. I feel like my iPad is my bible, with books on recovery in iBooks, chrome for any info I feel like looking up (I.e. When is my withdrawal going to subside?), and the SR app for access to this amazing community of people in recovery. I am thankful for modern electronics! Makes recovery on the couch a whole lot more comfortable!

Ladybug2

Hi class,

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend and doing well. Day 65 and I am still frustrated with how much I think about drinking/not drinking. Thought I would be further along by now, but guess it is going to the more time for me? The cravings have definitely gotten better, but sometimes I get so exhausted with the battle. It is always on my mind - the fact that I can't drink. Like tonight, we were making Mexican food for dinner and my mind immediately went to thinking about how I can't gave a margarita or Corona. Everything is/was associated with alcohol and I hate it. Ok, rant over. Just wondering if anyone else has been feeling the same way?

SM, FABL - how are guys doing today?

Leshar - haven't heard from you in awhile Hope you are doing ok?

Thinking about you all - let's keep fighting the fight

Croissant

I think Leshar's a bit down and posted a couple of days ago. I can relate sometimes when I'm down, I don't feel like posting much because I feel like a downer.

Ladybug, I definitely get that little voice also. What do you tell yourself when you hear it? I went for a great walk yesterday and then passed a liquor store and I thought a glass of wine would be nice. I felt the feelings and it was hard, not because I wanted to buy wine or even felt like a glass, I realised I just felt really attached to the thought I should be able to grab a bottle of wine on the way home. For me it's the buzz of buying, looking forward to the ritual....the moment I imagine how I will feel after the first glass (ie, alcohol will take over and I'll want more, or the buzz won't last and eventually I will feel empty), it kills the idea a bit for me.

I also remembered, before I started drinking, it would never have crossed my mind to even go to a liquor store and have a glass of wine at home by myself. So I moved through it. It's annoying, for sure ad our culture is now soooo ingrained in drinking....much much more than it was when I didn't drink.

I went home and had a slice of pizza and that was my treat.

EternalQ

Ladybug , I hope this comforts you (rather then feel worse) but I had daily associations with drinking pretty much my whole first year.

But I reminded myself of a couple things...
one was: a drinking association was not the same thing as a craving.
Two was: I had so many and so frequent associations because I have a very strong sense memory about everything and drinking was no exception.
Three was: I drank everyday for any reason connected to everything. So of course I had a million associations! LOL
And four was: The constant associations would continue until I was sober for awhile, and had new sober experiences under my belt , creating new associations!

In other words the only way to lesson the associations was to make new sober memories. Ironic huh?

But I know what you mean. The constant associations made me mad because I didn't want to always be reminded about the fact that I was addicted to alcohol ....because sometimes you just want to not have to think about it for awhile.

Croissant

Thanks EQ. That's exactly it.

SoberMarathon

Hi All...day 4 here and starting to feel improvements. Slept well last night...thankfully. First good night in a week or so.
I hope all of you with 2-3 months under your belt can learn from my slip. Throwing away all that time is debilitating. I don't want to drink at all, it's just the morbid depression associated with starting over. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way and am being too hard on myself. Did I really lose all that sober time? I certainly got to know how much happier I am as a sober person. I also got used to life without alcohol, especially on weekends and vacation. I know I'll get back to where I was but I'm just going to have to put in the time and earn it.

Btw...here's my revised plan for staying sober.
1) Post on SR everyday without exception. This is my permanent reminder that I was a drunk and need to acknowledge it daily in order to remain sober.
2) Checkin with 3 people in 3 different countries everyday: a best friend from college, a former co-worker, and my wife. This will be especially important when I'm on the road which will be often. Was thinking of adding my mom to this list but I'm not sure I want to burden her with this...
3) Do some type of exercise every single day. Running, walking, stretching, swimming, anything. If people ask me for a drink, it's an easy excuse to say I have to workout later or first thing in the morning.

That's it for now:-)

Ladybug2

Thank you so much EQ. Your response really helped and made me feel better. Even though it may take a year, at least I know this is normal. You made a really good point - when you drink almost everyday for almost any reason you are going to have associations everywhere. Time to build new, sober associations

Thanks, again, for your response. It really helps to know other people get it and have been there. That's why I love SR

Ladybug2

Thank you for this SM. I have been struggling a little lately - thinking I can have just one more night of drinking. I know I felt the same as you last time I slipped after 48 days. Don't be too hard on yourself (I know, easier said than done). You didn't lose all of those days and they will build up again before you know it! Sounds like you have a good plan in place I found that once I really involved my husband and mom it became a little easier. I no longer felt so alone and it helped to make me more accountable.

EternalQ

Sober M: Sounds like a plan. Good for you!!

Once I stayed sober a week, I forced myself to tell several people what was up: my sister, my best girlfriend, my daughter, a cousin and a Doctor friend at my work. None of them even knew I had a serious problem though my sister was less surprised than others. I drank alone and kept it a secret. Anyway they were surprised.. but they all believed me, didn't judge me, and said that if I said it was beyond bad, then it was.

I chose who I told very carefully. And I had to refuse to engage with my shame which reared its head at every turn.

I relied on them daily through texting for reassurance and encouragement. And I stayed on SR 24/7. I know without those two parts of my plan I would not have succeeded.

I am happy to hear you have a concrete plan SoberM!

resolute50

75 days today.
Just checking in.
It's been a busy weekend. But, today it's raining.
About to take the dog for a walk. There seem to be a bit of a lull in the rain.
Hope everybody is having a nice sober weekend.

I like this picture and phrase:

SoberMarathon

Thanks ladybug2. Indeed it should get better but these first few days have been pretty brutal. Very determined not to let it happen again.

One thing that might have contributed to my relapse was thinking I didn't really need SR anymore - like I was 'cured' and therefore no need to keep dwelling on my past. I posted a lot during the beginning and then slowly posted less and less. I think it's important to keep 'doing my SR exercises' if you know what I mean. I always wondered why people would stay in AA for their whole life, even after being sober for 20-30 years. Now I know. If you want to stay 100% sober after getting this deep into alcoholism, you gotta keep doing the work. Hope I can remember this 3 months down the road, a year from now, and forever. I absolutely never want to drink again or worse, feel like this again. So, I'll be posting everyday.

SoberMarathon

Thanks EQ! I'm basically taking the same approach. Those who I'm communicating know my problem is approaching severe and they have agreed to be my lifelines. It's a relief to have people you can count on. The concrete plan is the only way to go...Dee has been telling me this from the beginning. When I started I had desire but no plan, then I had more desire and minimal plans, now I have extreme desire and 3 levels of plan. Hope that's the magic formula, after nearly one year of trying!

EternalQ

You want this badly SM.. in the end you will do whatever it takes to maintain sobriety .

I think sobriety is like a precious jewel we carry around with us for safekeeping. We don't set it down and come back to it. We don't put it away in storage and only bring it out sometimes. We carry it with us because its value is priceless.

SoberMarathon

Yep...whatever it takes. I guess the one thing I have taken for granted is that it does take work, for me at least. You have got to learn how to avoid dangerous situations, turn down nice champagne, walk past the beer garden without caving and having 'just one', be able to withstand peer pressure and the fear of being different. I want it and I will get it. I know how to get sober, now I just need to learn how to stay that way permanently. This will get better and this will get easier. Just need to put in the time and effort now!

LiveLikeGold6

Lol sober marathon "Recovery on the Couch" I like it And you can do this! Look at you putting your action plan together, learning from past mistakes, staying the course for that half marathon, signs of a winner I'd say!

Day 69 over here and my bday. I'm eating delicious chinese and completing homework and watching my favorite show. Have a good day all I'll be in and out.

Ladybug2

Happy BD LLG!!! Chinese foods sounds like a great way to celebrate! I keep forgetting we are only 3 days apart - I am on Day 66 Let's keep going!