Dee74

last part here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-7-a-20.html

D

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Dee

Hi everyone.Been absent this week as my mother is staying with us so been pretty busy. Having a lovely time without alcohol I hit my 200 days last week and never even realized till I read Fallow's thread who has the same sobriety date.It's amazing how I was once an avid day counter and now I don't really notice,it just seems normal.

Great post Gonzo.I also worried about not drinking but the worry and stress OF drinking far exceeds not doing.How are you doing?

How did you get on with your husband away Tazzle? I hope the AV calmed down.

How are you courage? how's the 4th step going? I hope your thoughts have eased

Marria-have a great,sober,safe holiday. We'll be thinking of you.

Hope you're enjoying the sunshine Fallow

Tam-hope your work is going according to plan.

Agree with everyone on the food issue. I've become addicted to Tunnocks Teacakes little biscuit base things with marshmallow on all covered in chocolate. I don't stop at 1 though but eat the whole box

Hope Alice,whiterussian are ok and thinking of Cat,TTBABP and all others who've not posted for a while.

Anyway,hope everyone stays well and has a sober,happy weekend.I won't be checking in too much as my mother is here till nextweekend.

Tamerua

Hey all!
Marria, have a nice vacation!
Ready, happy post 200 days hope you have a lovely time with your mother!
Courage, I don't have dreams like that with alcohol but I do with food. I wake up and I have to look at the trashcan to make sure there isn't a cake box. I laugh about it, but the panic is very real. Just know that you didn't do it!

Hi Tazzle, gonzo, fallow, napster and Dee!

I'm kind of not looking forward to work, it is a little crazy at the moment and I have an employee who is... Arrogant. And I've been gently coaching her through that but lately I've needed to be firmer because it is still happening. And she is now claiming it is because she is pregnant. I don't even know if there is an emoticon for that. Lol I'll get through it. Today, I have Zumba, we are taking the dog to the beach (she loves to hop in the water!) and I meet with my sponsor and then a women's meeting.

Everyone have a great day!

Tamerua

Morning! Not much to report here. Work and then Zumba later. Relapse seems to keep coming up in all of the topics of meetings lately, even if that wasn't the topic... So. I'm making sure I'm duct taping myself into my sobriety seat.

I know it is quiet, like Marria I hope it is because everyone is enjoying life.., and the heat. Have a good sober day!

tazzle

Just got devastating news SS and his wife lost their baby. No heart beat. Not sure what happens now. Just want to hold them both. Don't worry I won't run for a bottle. Things like this have never been a trigger for me , the opposite actually. Any way niters all catch you tomorrow

Dee74

Really sorry to hear that Taz, for your SS and for you too.


D

Tamerua

I am so sorry to hear that Taz.

courage2

I'm so sorry for you & your family, Taz.

ReadyAtLast

I'm very sorry to hear that Taz.My thoughts are with you and your family

Has anyone found the balance of their relationship has changed since getting sober? I'm having some disturbing thoughts and have no one to really talk to. I don't know if I've become boring since getting sober but feel slightly distant from Mr RAL. He has been very supportive of my sobriety and still is and says he prefers me sober and is proud of me.

The problem is that I keep feeling as though I can't talk open and honestly with him about how I feel (not about drinking,just generally) When drinking I'd say anything, now I'm more self conscious. I'm realizing he's not one to really talk about his feelings and is a very "pull yourself together" sort of chap.I'm more intense and emotional. Since moving we've made a new friend (male) who we both get on very well with. I find myself talking with him about loads of stuff with ease and it's got me thinking I should be talking to Mr RAL in that easy way,but I don't/can't.

Don't get me wrong there is no inappropriate behaviour or secrecy with the other man but it worries me that I feel so relaxed and at ease with a man that isn't Mr RAL when it should be him I have that sort of relationship with. I don't know why I'm even saying this it's just been troubling me. I don't even know if it's anything to do with stopping drinking.I just know that now I don't drink I can't just go and drink to forget these issues but I have to deal with them and I don't knowwhat to do,if thereis anything I can do. I love Mr RAL and don't want our marriage to end.I just wonder if he really loves me.Oh heck I don't know what I'm saying

Maybe writing it down will help.I'm not really after advice as I don't think there is any although if something jumps out at anyone please tell me

courage2

Hi everyone --
RAL I'm not even going to try to offer advice except to say that I sympathize & you're not alone.

My husband is still my closest friend, but sometimes I don't recognize the "me" in our relationship -- I've changed a lot lately and it scares me to wonder whether he'll like this person -- who's emotionally a needy adolescent but physically aged & the worse for wear LOL.

In AA they say no big decisions or changes for at least the first year. That makes sense -- the new sober you is still developing; who knows what the future will bring?

PS my husband also doesn't like to talk about feelings -- I actually appreciate that in him because it encourages me not to stay too much in my own head.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks courage, I feel guilty this morning for writing what I did,disloyal almost.

Tamerua

Hi ready. Don't feel guilty. Get it out. I'm not 100% sold into every concept of AA but the one that makes the most sense to me is that If we keep it in, we will drink over it. And you're not alone. At all! The dynamic is going to change in our relationships. Doesn't mean they can't get stronger!

Today, I'm eating vegetarian so I can get ready for my lovely colonoscopy prep tomorrow. No fireworks for me on the 4th!

At our meetings, we have had some newcomers come in and they've come in a few times. It is so exciting really. You see so many people once, maybe twice and then never again.

Taz, I hope you're doing ok. And your family. Thinking of you.

Courage, Dee, napster, Marria, 2inconsolable, fallow, soberhh, and anyone else I missed... Has anyone heard from TPAPB?

Have a good one!

Tamerua

Hurdle met!

AliceTW

Hello - I've been gone so long I missed the close of our last thread!

Hope everyone is well. I've hit my 6 months and am still plodding along I have challenged myself a bit until the end of July and am only drinking water - no soft drink (soda), no cordial (Kool-Aid?), no coffee, tea, juice etc. It's been 2 weeks and I feel really good. Took 10 days for the caffeine withdrawal headaches to leave, but my sleeping is so fantastic now. I think I will stay off the caffeine once July ends.

In other news, I passed both of my last courses - one by the skin of my teeth with the lowest grade I've ever gotten... but to be honest I'm not surprised and am even grateful. The course was awful haha!

It's funny how just going to this website has a physical effect on me, I feel calmer and more in control of myself.

All is fairly well elsewhere. I've noticed a lot of anger recently and a lot of thoughts of drinking - not sure if it's because I've hit a milestone with 6 months, or if it's because this is the longest I've ever been sober as an adult. Staying the course though.

courage2

Hey Alice! Congrats on 6 months! And on passing your courses!

Tam, congrats on 200 days and wishing you a great colonscopy (is that a possible thing?)

RAL -- don't feel guilty about posting what you think & feel. None of us are perfect in our selves or our relationships. This is a safe place and sometimes it helps just to release feelings & thoughts.

I'm flying to my hometown today for my mother's burial -- it's a very negative place in my mind, but I'm just there out of respect and for my brother & sisters. I think we're all just going through the motions, but sometimes that's what sober people do, maybe?
I don't want to drink over it -- although my AV does! Every day I take a few minutes to remember what it used to be like, and that helps me stay sober.

Howdy to Gonzo, Tazzle, Fallow, Marria, Inconsolable, Napster, TTBABP (may she come back one day -- I've PM'd her etc but no reply), and anyone I've missed!

AliceTW

This might be a bit of a long post - sorry in advance! I don't know if any of it is applicable.

I'll preface this by saying that my partner is a very good man. We got together when I was well into my drinking career, and I kept drinking heavily for the best part of our six year relationship, getting sober (as you know) in December last year. He's been with me through it all and is supportive and understanding (as much as someone can be without going through it themselves) of my sobriety. He does not drink and never has.

In spite of all these lovely things, I really struggled with my relationship (and still am in many ways). I am slowly figuring it out, but personally I think that at the base of it all is the fact that I resent him for knowing me when I was drunk. I do understand how unfair that is, but I have to be honest with myself in order to get past it. I feel embarrassed of the old me, the things he has seen me do. He's seen me at my very worst, and I felt resentment about that for a long time, and I still do feel some hang up about it, although I have finally understood it so I can stop being angry.

It took me a while to figure this out, but in a really basic way this is what I was doing:
He has seen me at my worst
I feel ashamed that he has seen me that way
If he hadn't seen me that way then I wouldn't be ashamed
therefore
He is the reason I am ashamed, and I do not like feeling ashamed and vulnerable
(And again, I know how completely unfair and skewed this way of thinking is, it's only now, with some distance, that I can label it properly)

So then I did one of two things:
1) Withdraw.
Following on from above...
I do not like feeling ashamed and vulnerable.
I feel that way because we are very close and his opinion means a lot to me
Therefore...
If he means less to me then I will not be as ashamed of myself

The result being that I distanced myself from him a lot. I didn't talk about anything that meant something 'real' to me as a way of keeping him distant - if he didn't mean anything to me then his disapproval wouldn't mean anything either.

I also I built up this version of him in my mind where he was super critical of me, to the point where I wouldn't speak to him because in my mind he would think what I said as boring, or silly, or wrong, or inconsequential etc. I felt that to talk to him might result in him judging me and I would rather not talk to him at all than add to that big pile of shame. (BTW he has never been nasty/spiteful/disapproving towards me, even at my worst - this fear that he would judge me is spawned from a feeling that "I deserve to be judged harshly" because of my past behaviour).

Or the other thing I did was
2) Attack
Again, following from above:
I do not like feeling ashamed and vulnerable
I feel weak when I am like this and need to protect myself
Attacking is a good defence
Therefore
I will be angry at him as that's a stronger emotion than shame

The result being that I got angry at him over silly little things like not calling, not shutting the bathroom door, eating the icecream I saved for me. I would get very angry at him, and not let him know I was angry, I would just silently seethe, and in that way I could build up a great big wall between us and I could feel anger instead of feeling shame.

This is a really simplified break down of what has been a complicated bunch of emotions and thoughts over the last 6 months. There's a lot of other stuff, legitimate stuff, in our relationship that we need to work on, but it's taken me a long time to sift out what is real and what is me being paranoid and unfair.

Another thing I felt right at the start which I know is awful and hypocritical, but I think it's all tied up to the shame thing, is that I felt a small amount of contempt at him for staying with me when I was drunk. It's an awful emotion to illustrate with a word, and I do think it was just my defence mechanism saying "protect yourself", but for a short while when I first quit I felt it strongly. It went away after a relatively short time and I think it had a lot to do with making me feel more 'worthy' to be with him, because I did bad things, but hey - he's not perfect either. (such twisted mentality).

Yeah, so that's how I've been going with the sober relationship. I still have difficulty getting past the walls, and I still haven't been able to fully accept 'the relationship' because I think I am still ashamed to have someone know me that completely after seeing the things he would have seen. If someone knows you completely then their judgment is 'real'. He has never spoken judgment me, but I project a lot of my insecurities onto him. I'm getting better though. I now accept that we need to talk through things, even (especially) the small things, as I don't want to keep piling up little things as excuses to stay distant.



Could it be, RAL, that you find it easier to be open in your relationship with this new person because it is 100% the "true" inner-RAL? This man has never seen the drunk RAL, only the one that you really are, so you feel better about that person and feel that his judgements will be positive and not tinged with the memory of drunk RAL?

Anyway, that's just my 2c.

Much love to all.

Alice zzz (Haha! That was meant to be xxx, but since it's late I think I'll leave the zzz)

AliceTW

Taz and courage - I'm sending positive thoughts to you and your families. I don't have the right words to express myself properly around grief. All I know how to do is send my love. I am glad to hear you are both able to find strength.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Tam and manycongrats on 200 days

ReadyAtLast

Thanks so much for your post Alice.I amgoing to digest your post and respond later

ReadyAtLast

Thanks again Alice for your post. I can relate so much to much of what you say. I've been with Mr RAL a similar period of time,drinking throughout it too.Apart from one incident very early on when I blacked out and made a total fool of myself mybehaviour hasn't been too bad.As my drinking career progressed I changed ffrom a binge drinker who went out and blacked out to a daily drinker who stayed at home and never quite felt drunk,just merry so I never really had the opportunity to be really bad.

He is a very good man and supportive of me quitting.
This sums up exactly how I feel.To see it written down helps so much andmakes me see that much of the problem is in my mind.

There may be an element of not knowing my past with the other man. Don't get me wrong there is no attraction or anything with the other man,it's just chatting but open,honest talk. Weve all become very good friends. He knows Idon't drink as have a problem.He says he admires me for stopping and staying stopped even when those around me are drinking.Does it sound bad that this makes me feel a bit smug/proud etc
You're right Alice,his comments are all positive.

You have no idea howmuchyour posthas helpedme

courage-you're right,this is a greatplace