Jeni26

Yeah, except this isn't one of them. I have spent time leaping about the forums wondering where best to get advice but I dunno.

Just when I think I'm getting somewhere I stumble again. It isn't a fall, I'm fine, but it's a definite stumble. And it's step 1 all over again but with something new.

Hey ho, such is life...

Where's INH? I hope he's not putting his new lady friend ahead of his fan club. Oh and I love how Hux refers to your guy as the boy...

Thanks Dee. Not sure what to do about this...bounce it about in my head for a bit probably. Pray. Talk to my sponsor. I will get there xx

Dee74

No worries Jeni - if you need an ear, you know there's always several around here

D

hypochondriac

What's the obsession Jeni? By balance I didn't mean I had become obsession free! My therapist says that my obsessive behaviour is a way of regaining control and distracting me from the things I find difficult. I reckon that's a valid coping strategy Better than booze right? x

hypochondriac

Sorry, I didn't see the last few posts... whatever it is Jeni you're aware which is half the battle xxx

Jeni26

Morning guys...I'm a bit brighter than I was. Had a long talk with my sponsor on Sunday night...I guess I'm still a little afraid of things (which is a whole lot better than being permanently anxious and scared like I was). I need to stop thinking that every time doubts enter my mind that it's the end of the world..it's like there's a nagging voice. I call it 'the dark'..it used to rule my life and wake me in the night. I thought it had gone, but it's still there apparently.

But anyway, I talked it all out, I prayed on it. I shared it ('the dark' likes secrecy).

Things are back on the way up. Starting again with a new addiction, well it's not the end of the world right?

Lots of love to you all x

InsertNameHere

Yea, I kinda was. I am sorry about not posting as I had thought of it from time to time but the normal times that I post anymore have been fairly occupied recently.

It sounds like this new addiction is really getting you down Jen, sorry to hear. Though this doesn't sound like a substance thing, rather a behavior? I'm just making sure. Whatever it is it sounds like you have the "tools" to handle it, all you need is a little time and help from those around you. None of us can do this thing called life alone, is something my sponsor likes to say. He's not talking about partners, but just people. It sounds like you sponsor is willing and able and you have become one determined lady, I for one am certain you'll come through this with flying colors.

Hypo how you been? Still down a little, or no? Hows "the boy" and you?

Its been a little while since I read through the recent posts but I think I remember what's going on.

As for me, I'm doing very well lately. Perhaps a little out of balance with the "lady friend" but its making me happy.

As for other things in my life. The school I am in is almost over with. We will graduate this month and I will be changing units but not bases so I don't have to move anywhere. I will be in charge of my shop at the new unit and am looking forward to it with only a little nervousness. I'm sure I'll be able to handle it, its just a little natural fear of the new.

I think I said before that my family visit went well, I didn't go see my sister but I am going to try to do that when I change units.

I may have gotten suckered into another service position, this time secretary of the meetings at a group level. Which basically means that I have to attend the meetings and take notes and such. No big deal really it just makes me wonder where everyone else is as far as service, I'm starting to think the answer is nonexistent.

My lack of step work is starting to bug me and I need to knuckle down at some point and put some work into my fourth step.

Oh yeah! I don't think I mentioned that I hit my year mark late last month! Hence the reason why my lack of step work bugs me lol. This Friday I attended my first birthday meeting and took a cake . Yea me!

The results on my throat surgery came back and its all good news. I had a papilloma on my vocal cords which the doctor removed. When tested it was non cancerous and not of the variety that typically turn into cancer so I'm good in that regard. Apparently it is something I will have to keep an eye on for a long while though as it may grow back.

On that note I am going back to the hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed as it is doing funky things and I'm pretty sure their going to want to cut it off.

Now for the subject that i will probably babble on about the longest: the lady friend is working out freaking awesome! I am probably way too excited about it, hence saying I may be a little out if balance. She lives about four hours drive away now so we have only been able to visit each other on the weekends but we have been doing so at each opportunity. She went with me to the birthday meeting as she was a little curious as to what meetings are like and figures that she should know at least a little bit about something that is such a major part of my life. I have been very honest about me and my situation and she has handled it very well, it doesn't seem to bother her. I met her family a week or so ago when I went to visit her, and that went well. She was a little worried that they would be a bit much for me but I handled it pretty well I think. Her family is about as opposite from mine as it can get but they seem like good people. I wasn't too worried though as one thing I know about myself is that as a rule friends (and the occasional girlfriends) parents, love me. This seems to have stayed true even after my life turnabout in recent years lol. The only concerns I have so far are; one, that we are cruising through a full blown infatuation phase (we are undoubtedly) and that could end badly, it might not though and to handle that I am trying to just stick with what I know now, and not live in the future at all. We both seem to be dancing cautiously around any topic involving the future as that it is waaaaayyy to early in this to be even entertaining thoughts like that. Like I said, I just try to stick with here and now as much as I can and it sounds like she is as well. Two that I'm going to get too attached and if it end badly get crushed emotionally. Which is all the more reason to get going on my steps, a little preventative medicine so to speak, also a little help in not worrying about crap like that until I'm in it, if that even happens.

For now however, she is a really cool woman, that I like and for some ungodly reason she seems to really like me so we are doing just swell

PS: I took your advice Jen and cleaned like a house wife on meth, I have to say regardless of what impression she got I much prefer living in a nice organized and fairly clean (it is by no means spotless) space as I do now. I think I am going to try to keep up with this a little.

PPS: Huxley I know you'll have something clever to say about all that, I am eagerly anticipating reading whatever you come up with.

hypochondriac

First off, massive congratulations on a year sober INH!!! Doesn't time fly? I'm so glad things are going well with your lady friend too, and that is so ace that she went to a meeting with you. It all sounds utterly perfect

Mine is all less perfect but nonetheless pretty good. I am just a tad hormonal recently as I am coming to the end of my contraceptive implant and I am up and down a lot. Mix that in with the new relationship and some work stress and taking on more responsibility with my volunteering and I am occasionally frantic. I have occasional rational moments though so I must hold on to that. I saw my therapist again this morning and that was really useful.

And I'll see your year and raise you another INH... Nearly 2 years and still on step 3!!! This is an area I really need to move forward with. My excuse is that I frequently can't log onto my email and therefore can't contact my sponsor... Lame right. I need to arrange to meet up with her.

Glad you're doing so well INH x

Jeni26

Congratulations on your year INH...I am beyond pleased for you. You have come so far. And your budding romance seems to be coming along beautifully...

Were your ears burning yesterday?? Me and the girls met up again (the INH fan club), and you were on the list of topics discussed. Lol. Such a lovely lunch..thankyou Huxley and Hypo..it feels as though I've known you both forever. I find it utterly amazing that I somehow stumbled on this website and uncovered the answers to all my issues. No way would I have given up drinking and smoking or tackled the underlying darkness that had me in its grip without the encouragement and friendship I found here. Sometimes I feel so utterly grateful and humbled.

Hypo, I've now seen a photo of 'the boy', and he looks pretty cool..ha ha...and you've got so much going on in your life, no wonder you feel a bit frantic!

I'm feeling a lot better now. I don't stay down for long. I get frustrated by the layers of obsessive and addictive behaviours I have and how they get me in their grip. I literally do nothing by halves and I don't want to live like that any more. But, I guess I'm better off just accepting that's the way I roll and learn to laugh at myself. I've made loads of progress and I need to remember that.

Have a good week everyone xxx

hypochondriac

Bumpity bump bump bump... where are y'all?

I am okay at the moment (read 'at the moment' literally, it may change suddenly). Still up and down but the rational moments are occasionally stringing themselves together into whole days. I have arranged to have my implant changed and some other medical necessities so hopefully I will even out after that.

All good otherwise. I feel like work is okay (just okay but better than usual). And I got 'signed off' by management for facilitating the relapse prevention group I have been volunteering at I got observed running my first group, and although I felt I was a bit waffly I got some good feedback. It helped that there were a couple of 'difficult' situations with one client and I am good with difficult people. It meant it wasn't just me talking though which made it easier. And it seems that they are keen on the women's group still so I am excited about that. More stuff to do though. I need to write a proposal which involves buying a printer and actually sitting down and throwing it together so I wonder how long I will procrastinate over that... Also currently procrastinating over step 4 so I need to prioritise somehow.

I had my boiler fixed today and have someone coming to do a few other much needed jobs, but it has been a bit overwhelming discussing all the other things I need doing. I need more money and have to figure out what order to do it in... This is why my house is still a mess. I may have to just go la la la for a bit longer til I have done step 4 and have this proposal done! I need someone to come manage my life for me!

All is good with the boy too. It is weird in a way as we seem to be quite similar in alot of ways, overcome similar difficulties with speech problems and booze (though his to a lesser extent, he still feels like he has an addictive personality), and the usual self esteem sort of stuff. It may seem daft but that sort of thing is important to me. My last relationship was with someone who suffered from no confidence issues and had no understanding of depression and it bugged me that he was so unempathetic. All in all this has been a really positive experience being newly sober and dating again and I am really grateful for that

How is everyone else? x

Dee74

I thought I congratulated you INH but apparently not. My apologies.
Congrats man

D

Jeni26

Hi all...I've been off work this week with some sort of virus...I'm feeling much better today but still not going back. This is really unlike me..I'm a total workaholic, and I'm a bit bemused at the fact I've just sent my boss a message saying I'm not well whilst lying in bed KNOWING that I most probably could have gone in and done a decent days work today.

Thing is, I should be feeling guilty, but I'm not. This is weird.

There are issues with my boss, who also happens to be a friend. A long history of an unhealthy codependent relationship really. She relies on me a lot...when I'm off ill I get a succession of e-mails and texts from her. When I've applied for other jobs before, she's had a complete emotional breakdown and I've stayed through guilt. I've started talking to my sponsor about her as I don't really know how best to approach this. I've moved on in so many ways..bit this is such an entanglement that used to make complete sense to me when I was drinking. I think I needed her as much as she needs me then.

I think I'm just taking a step away to reflect. Also, work doesn't rule my life as it once did. It still takes up an awful lot of my time and energy, but I've got it more in perspective now.

Even so..taking time at home when I'm well enough to work? Unheard of. And without feeling guilty either? Just very odd...

Hypo, it sounds like you and the boy are hitting it off really well. I have no experience whatsoever of dating whilst sober to impart. But I would have thought empathy for what the other person is feeling is a complete foundation in any relationship. By the way I've been chatting to Hux, and we are in agreement that you should move down South to be closer to us. Do you know it takes less than 2 and a half hours for me to drive to hers? Bring the boy with you. I will start looking for houses....

Well done on your recovery group, you have no idea how impressed I am about that. I'm still not doing the group thing...I go to my Sunday night big book study meeting and that's it. I don't share, I don't get involved in that whole fellowship thing...but I have done step 4 (twice)...not gonna nag about that, but it really shifted the focus for me. I'm now helping a sponsor through her step 4, and will be listening to her step 5 shortly. All good.

Nothing much else to say...I'm still struggling a bit with the whole cross addiction thing, mostly it infuriates me that I can't just stop bouncing from one thing to another. Otherwise I'm just hunky-dory.

How's Dee?

It would be good to hear from James and Mark too...x

Dee74

I think you might be finding that it's ok to take as good care of yourself as you do of others Jeni

I'm ok - bit busy but trying to keep a balance

D

hypochondriac

How you feeling now Jeni?

Y'know we are closer than you think, I bet you could drive to mine in under 2 and a half hours too... God, at least I don't live in Cumbria anymore, it took 4 hours from there on the train to London!

I had a drinking dream last night! That was weird. White wine. Nothing happened that I can remember, but I remember thinking 'it's just wine'... It hasn't phased me at all just thought it was odd and out of the blue.

I am currently procrastinating so much. Supposed to be sorting out paperwork etc but instead I have washed the dog and am dying my hair. In my defence both needed doing. Maybe I think the paper looks pretty all piled up on the table...

Hope everyone is well x

Jeni26

I'm well thanks Hypo, I've shaken off the virus just in time for half-term. Really pleased about that.

I'm having a complete Spring clean today...I'm really in the mood to clear out some junk. Me and H are having a wobble again over his obsessive collecting (his words) or hoarding (my words).

God this is hard to live with sometimes. We now have 3 rooms in our house which are beginning to be taken over by his DVD collection. I cannot get into bed even without tripping over the crap he's rammed under the bed, he has boxes stacked up in a corner of the bedroom and the loft is full. He gets so bloody angry when I bring it up..but he's doing that addict thing of secrecy, denial, anger. God, I get it, I really do! I'm an addict myself! I am practicing the tools I know work for me...I tell myself that what he does is none of my business. He works hard, he earns his own money, nothing to do with me what he spends it on. But it is seriously encroaching on my life now...and it is affecting our relationship. I have concerns whether his spending is getting out of control, he obviously has access to our joint account, and statements are disappearing. He is starting new 'collections' all the time. I am getting resentful and that isn't like me to get angry either.

I will have to say that it is affecting me to the extent that I want to leave home. There I said it. I have even started preparing the kids in a small way.

It is sad because together we make a pretty awesome set of parents and the last thing I want to do is upset my kids. Repairing the damage we did when we were drinking has been the biggest benefit to my/our sobriety. I just can't live with this obsessive, lying, angry person as he is now. He is still trying to fill the void that drinking left and I'm so not wanting to be judgemental about that because I really do understand. Ugh. It's a mess.

But whatever, I will be ok, I know it. We are going away for a few days at the weekend, although he's tried to cancel I've told him it will be good for us to talk without the kids being around.

Financially I worry because although I've got a good job and can support myself, our daughter is going to uni and it will cost us to support her. I think he may be getting himself/us into debt but he won't discuss it. Anyway, I'm off for the week and am making an appointment at the bank to discuss things. Big grown up facing stuff Jeni here.

Sorry...I think I just needed to have a little vent. I've chatted to my sponsor about it all and I'm clear now what is my stuff and what is his, and where I need to go with it.

Relationships eh? Think it was simpler when we were both drunk in some ways!

Have a good week guys. Love to you all xx

hypochondriac

I haven't got much time cos I am just off out but if he is unwilling to discuss it then you need to take steps to protect yourself Jeni. We don't have to go from overly large DVD collection to divorce in one fell swoop... Could you not request that as you are concerned you would like separate bank accounts. If it is the one you pay bills out off you can put the right amount in it but keep your own spending money. My friends mum had this awful situation where her husband kept using their money for failed business ideas and it didn't end well. If you can just force the issue on some smaller points maybe he will take it seriously. Also, I have a similar problem to your husband and I fix it by throwing out all the boxes and putting the DVDs in wallets. Takes up less space and effectively 'hides' your 'problem' x

Jeni26

I'm having a huge Spring clean today...bin bags full of stuff and I'm being really ruthless and chucking out a lot of unwanted clutter (mine, not his).

Think it's more than an overly big DVD collection Hypo...it's the secrecy, deceit, anger and denial sh*t that I'm unwilling to put up with at the moment. And maybe it's even more than that..but right now I've got music blaring so loud it's making the floorboards vibrate (luckily the neighbours are at work), and I'm on the verge of tears. And I'm clearing the clutter and thinking of what this will mean to our kids. And maybe this is all my doing...he was happy enough drinking...he gave it up for me. And now it seems to be unravelling without him picking up a single beer. And he's a good person, he treats me with kindness and care (apart from when he's angry, and even that isn't directed at me)...and I've really got to stop projecting I know. But I'm so angry. And that anger is based in fear, like it always is...and I've got to step up and do what you're suggesting with the bank accounts because otherwise we will end up defaulting on the mortgage. He's always been bad with money, we've been in this place before which is why I always keep some money of my own. I save enough to bail us out because I've done it before.. Being sober is bewildering for him. He doesn't know how to be an adult. But I love him still. But I don't know if I can live with it any more.

Now I will shut up, and get on with my cathartic cleaning and chucking out..

Love you Hypo xxx

hypochondriac

Well I am with your husband with not knowing how to be an adult... I am awful with money, and if you could see how I live... it isn't even 'not adult' it's like some sort of underground nesting creature. But my hovel doesn't effect anyone else really, except worry my mum. The way I see it though is I have a roof over my head, yeah so some of the tiles may be missing, but it's more than many people have. I am overly excited today because I had my guttering fixed so no more leaky kitchen roof

Jeni26

Well we've got a little B&B booked for a couple of nights and are leaving tomorrow. I realise that my emotions are mine and that in fact he is what he's always been, no more and no less. I have no rights to start to try and control the situation or make any demands.

I can be clear about money because that DOES affect me and threaten our financial security, but I'm certain there is no intent to cause any harm on his part whatsoever. He is just obsessive about things (as I am), and that need to try fill his life with what makes him feel good is overwhelming. It sort of helped me to hear that you've got the same obsessions actually Hypo, because I guess it highlighted that there are common themes for all of us. And I kinda like you a lot, so it must be ok really

And of course I'm a little nuts too..I get obsessed with my own stuff which hurts no-one but me. And I have a lot of empathy and I care...so that's good.

And he's already agreed to put some more of his clutter in the loft so that I can at least reach my wardrobe doors and put my clothes away...so a progress of sorts. Maybe I'm softening...

And I love this bloody idiot. Always have. We've had half our lifetime together and there isn't anyone I know that would have put up with my crazy ramblings, nocturnal wanderings and night terrors when I first got sober, my dark times when I could barely speak and needed time alone. He was there for me then, so maybe I just need to put the fantasies I have about living on my own in a little clutter free house on the back burner for a while.

And yeah, maybe I will just have to accept that finances and major decisions are left to me because he just can't deal with life on those terms. Not yet anyway. And maybe climbing over piles and piles of junk is infuriating, but is it something I can live with? Doesn't undo the other good good stuff I guess.

So we will go, and we will talk. And I will try not to get angry because that anger is based in fear. And I will try not to react to his anger, because that is based in fear too.

We will see.

Thanks Hypo xxx

How's things with you?

Spinach

Jen, hope you not only had some understanding between you but a great time away together.
Love John.

Jeni26

Thanks for checking in on me John. I'm ok my friend. I probably shared too much here...sometimes it helps to let my fury go by tapping on the keyboard rather than say words I might regret or could hurt others.

It was a lovely few days. I have more compassion for him now than ever. He is a good man, and I've got to let go of my own expectations I guess. We will be ok xx