Jeni26

Cool! I'm going to be finishing my step 4 and focusing solely on recovery today.

Do you think we are making harder work of this than we need to? I'm sure other people just get sober and skip off into the sunset and start living their new lives?!

I'm like analysing every bit of what caused me to become an alcoholic in the first place, and working so hard to challenge ingrained unhealthy thought patterns etc. I'm determined never to go back. Xx

Jeni26

Oh, and in reply to your earlier post about the teaching Hypo...it was brilliant. I loved every minute of it. Such fun. Xx

InsertNameHere

I will try to remain the emotional center pole here, but failing me I nominate Dee .

Good luck Jen, it sounds like you are pushing into and through this in a good mindset. Also I like what you said about approaching the steps this time with more faith that it will work, if I had to bet on anything making a difference between this time and the last time you did them I would bet on that. I would think that more faith that it will work will translate into more honest diligence on your part and more centered self reflection with less self deprecation. As far as taking time off work, proper self care can go a long way, and it sounds like this is way overdue for you enjoy it, don't feel guilty as much as possible.

No manager = happier Hypo, nice.

I'm doing alright ladies, sleep deprived and haven't been going to many meetings, but I am dealing with it well I think. I had a homework assignment that I thought would take me no more than a few hours to crank out so I procrastinated like crazy, that didn't turn out well. Three of the last four nights I have slept maybe three hours because I have been working on it or more often than that sitting there thinking about working on it without actually doing it. But I got a shoddy job done last night, its pretty bad but I am not sure how much I care about that.

I don't know if I told you all about the dude from my meetings that had a heart attack but there was one. He didn't have it in the meeting. Anyway, I went on Saturday to visit him and met his daughter who had come to help him out. I ended up texting with her over the week to help her handle her dad and deal with the military as her dad is a retired Marine. It turned out she kind of developed a bit of a crush on me which would be fine except she's married. I hands led it well, and we are on good terms still.

I should get my furniture in next week and I am excited. I should call and make sure. I'm also looking very forward to the weekend .

Talk to y'all later.

Jeni26

Glad you're being the emotionally stable one INH..that's what we expect from our kick ass Marine pal.

Finished step 4...I'm doing step 5 via Skype with my adopted sponsor next Thursday which will probably induce another emotional meltdown. I think I might ask my adopted sponsor to become my actual sponsor in the meantime. She is awesome. She talked me through steps 1-4 via text messaging and FB. I then asked if she would mind listening to my step 5 and she said she thought I'd never ask and how it would be an honour... You know I'd never felt I'd ever be actually able to sponsor someone else, but she is so inspirational I would love to be able to do that for someone else some day.

Felling less fraught tonight. Pleased I've got that out of the way.

Off to Birmingham Uni tomorrow with our daughter, that's quite near you isn't it Hypo? It's north of the M25 anyway....lol

Happy Friday evening guys. Am craving a cigarette tonight...weird. It's been 6 months now! Xx

hypochondriac

That is near me Jeni! Birmingham is an ace city, I used to spend a lot of time there. Please don't be put of by the horrendous German market there right now. The city turns into chaos over Xmas.

A massive well done on 6 months free of smoking Jeni!!! That is so ace and quite the achievement x

God INH, what is it with these married people hitting on us singletons!? Glad you handled it well x

Does anyone actually get sober and skip of into the sunset Jeni...? I am not sure I have actually ever seen evidence of that. I think that is what we all want to happen. I know I harboured some belief that I should be able to do this without support and should be able to just get on with life. I know my mum and sister have thought that too, that somehow 'working' on stuff is lingering on it and depressing somehow. My mum made some comment about me listening to recovery stuff at work and suggested I listened to something more 'fun', but that stuff keeps me sane. I think that it is seen as a weakness to work on things but in actual fact it is the opposite. You need to be strong to face things. I think we see more people living in denial and trying not to think about it then relapsing. I agree that trying to challenge those unhealthy thinking patterns is key, definitely...

I learnt about a really good way of dealing with anxiety today which I am excited about, especially considering my history of hypochondria. Actually my sis had mentioned it to me over a year ago but for whatever reason it didn't make sense to me then and seemed daft. Basically it involves focusing on how your anxiety feels in your body. It is based on the premise that the physical sensations are connected to your mental anguish and that dealing with one will help the other, but that by concentrating on what is going on in your head you risk just making the anxiety worse. But if you can control the physical sensations then you also inadvertently address the emotional cause. Worth a try anyway And considering I am hyper sensitive to physical changes in my body I should be pretty good at it. It may involve me actually meditating though which is next on my to do list...

Jeni26

The way you're describing dealing with anxiety is a method we learned about during one of our meditation sessions Hypo. It involves breathing and becoming aware of where the anxiety begins to be felt in the body. If we focus our attention and thoughts on that, we can learn to spot it and halt it in its tracks in time.

Just home from Birmingham. A long drive and I'm ready for an evening curled up on the sofa.


INH-sounds like the women are falling over themselves for you! And I'm sure your homework assignment will be fine, sometimes we are our own harshest critics.

Love to you both..and to Dee too. How are you now Dee? Xx

Jeni26

My adopted sponsor has just become my real sponsor. I'm so pleased!!

I don't know...feels like I'm on the verge of some huge spiritual breakthrough at the moment. Quite unsettling but I'm finally embracing some sort of acceptance for things that have happened in my past. Acceptance, forgiveness, love and tolerance... They are the things I need to find or at least make my peace with now. I'm fed up with living in the past.

Time to let go and move on. Cool xxx

hypochondriac

That's ace news Jeni, pleased for you xxx

InsertNameHere

Nice Jen! Glad to hear you are stoked!

Jeni26

Morning guys.

I've got a day visiting another school on a fact finding mission. I like this aspect of my job...I like driving actually. I can listen to music and lose myself in my thoughts. No-one bugs me or expects me to sort anything out. I think I would quite like to be a long distance lorry driver actually!!

I had a good weekend and I'm feeling pretty positive now. I went to a meeting last night, that's the first one I've been to for months and it was nice. I think I'm going to go to the Sunday night one regularly now. I spoke to my sponsor and thanked her for everything she had done to help me but that I was ready to move on now. I said it in a nice way but I was effectively firing her. I had a lot of resentment against her as I know she has gossiped about me and told people I had relapsed, so it felt nice to end things amicably and on a friendly note. She said she would like to meet up socially over Christmas and I think I might like that. We will see. I spoke to my new sponsor and we are skypeing on Thursday night to do my step 5.

So, it's all moving forward and I've got a stress free day today. Good start to the week!

How are you guys? And Dee, how are you?xx

hypochondriac

Way to be the bigger person Jeni! I can't believe she gossiped about you.

Just checking in even though I have nothing to report. It is cold and dark here and I am in winter lazy mode. Though not really cos I am pretty busy. Volunteering is going really well, I am loving everything about it so far, and I am spending more time with my recently single friend. It is all good.

How are you doing INH? x

Jeni26

So pleased the volunteering is going well. I must say you sound really chilled xx

Where the heck is INH??x

InsertNameHere

Here all the while, keeping up with reading but a little busy to be posting till this weekend.

I had a quite a bit going on this week/weekend. Though I am glad to hear you all are doing relatively well despite some difficulty. You especially Jen seem like you are dealing with a lot but dealing with it as best as one can.

As for whats been going on in my universe, lets see. Someone in the class I am in has been accused of cheating, of having the test questions and troubleshooting bugs. To explain that last part, for a while now in the course I am in we learn about the basics of a certain kind of communications equipment (the last few weeks have been satellite radios), then we learn how to operate them, and finally we are given a broken one and have to figure out what is wrong with it. They are saying that he knows what is wrong with it before hand. This would be an advantage as lately the only way we have been tested in our proficiency is though the method of timing us on discovering the defect.

Anyhow long story long, they are threatening to set the whole class back to the beginning as they re-wright the test questions and assign different bugs to the gear. Personally I don't give a rats a$$ what they do, I have not been cheating nor do I know that anyone else was. Also my orders after the school just ahve me staying here so it matters not to me where I am. Some of the others however are kind of put out as they have families and orders elsewhere so its a little more for them.

The icing on the cake is that they have no proof whatsoever that anyone is cheating, its all a he said she said game which makes it all the more ridiculous that things have even gone this far. That is just a little work drama though that I don't really have a lot to deal with besides telling a few people that I have no idea about anything.

I went to the Marine Corps Ball, which was kind of depressing to be honest. I used to only go to them as an excuse to get drunk with my fellow Marines and cut loose. Now I just kind of hang out drinking coffee and try to remain hospitable.

On a good note! I got my furniture yesterday!!! All my concerns were for not, its a good set, quality stuff. So now I just have to decide which shelve will store what and where to place each piece. I may buy more from the set depending on whether or not I have room. I did run into one hitch, I thought I had a queen size mattress and that is the bed size I bought, unfortunately I have a full so I need to get a new mattress. That's not a bad thing though, I could use a good mattress.

Once again after a break, I have started participating in the whole online dating thing. I am no where near getting my hopes up though, actually I am keeping them way, way, down.

Well that is about all from my world.
Have a good one you two.

hypochondriac

Yay, nice to see you INH. Sorry that there is so much drama around the cheating thing. I wouldn't worry about not enjoying the ball so much, it too me a long time to get to the point of not caring that I was in a drinking environment. I like how you say trying to remain hospitable... that is just what I felt like too. But in time I was able to enjoy myself. I am doing online dating too, though very little emphasis on the dating side of it at the mo. I signed up after all that frustration with that married guy. I have to say I don't think I should partake in relationships with people though... I seem to be incredibly simplistic in my emotional reactions. If someone is nice to me then I like them, and if someone doesn't respond the way I think they should then I back off. I can't just enjoy the process, I want a ready made perfect relationship with no awkwardness. I suppose it doesn't help that I have done this many times before, just not looking for a relationship so I have to re-program myself and not be so demanding about it. Oh and because I have had a few negative experiences in the past I am so bloody paranoid. It all makes me think that locking myself up at home with the dog is a much better alternative. Newly sober individual seeking interaction with other humans... it just can't end well x

Jeni26

Oh Hypo...I had to laugh...a ready made perfect relationship with no awkwardness??? Don't want a lot do you? Lol.

Have to be honest.. Umm..don't think that exists.

Me and H have been married for a 100 years or so...and it isn't anywhere near perfect. It's good a lot, it's frustrating sometimes, it's constantly evolving, and I love him and want to strangle him in equal measure....

INH..sorry to hear about the cheating thing. I'm sure it will resolve itself.

Good luck with the on-line dating the both of you xxx

InsertNameHere

Ha! That unfortunately rings all to true Hypo. I read all of the profiles saying things like "I'm adventurous, outdoorsy, ambitious, goal oriented", or seeking someone like that, and all I'm thinking is how much I am not those things. I just want to get through the day with as little stress as possible and maybe just maybe enjoy myself a little while I'm at it.

Thanks for the good luck wishes Jen, it sounds like we will both need it, I know I will .

I had quit doing the online dating thing as it wasn't a good experience before. I doubt that it will be much of good experience this time either but it could be so long as I learn from the last time and from whatever mistakes I make in the future. I'm still not sure what I plan to accomplish with this. I think its something similar to when I started, but I would have to go back and read my reasons from before. Which I'm not going to haha. Anyhow like I've said before, exploring options, seeing if this is even something that I want at all, and just seeing what's out there. Whenever I get into the conversation of why I'm single, inevitably I end up making the comment of "I'm not worried about it", which is nearly always followed by "that's when you'll find someone". Which I think is bull hockey. I sincerely doubt that I will find someone hanging out in my room playing computer games. The only other place I go is to meetings, and the pickings there are pretty slim, at least around here lol, plus that would be just morally wrong to do something like that, and risky for my sobriety. I need that safe haven just as much as anyone else.

So yeah, just exploring possibilities. Seeing what's out there and figuring out if I want anything to do with what's out there.

That made me laugh Jen!

I'm not sweating the cheating thing, whatever happens happens, its no sweat off my back as I am staying here anyhow, worse they can do is hold back the class and I have an opportunity to go somewhere else when class is done. I doubt that will happen though.

My furniture is awesome! All my worries were for not, its quality stuff. Bigger than I thought it would be but very nice.

I'm on barracks duty now so I've got a long day and tomorrow ahead of me. Oh well, I brought coffee its all good.

hypochondriac

Haha, not sure if you meant that to be hilariously funny INH but it made me giggle. I know what you mean with people's profiles, I made a point of saying that I don't go to the gym... it seems to be all people seem to do for fun! Can I ask what your expectations are around people who might be drinkers? I had decided that I wasn't really bothered if I met someone who drank as long as they didn't drink like I did.. but I am chatting to someone who says they don't drink at all so now I think I am getting my hopes up on that front...

I think what I really meant Jeni is that I attach to easily, and almost expect other people to do the same or what's the point... My friends I know who have dated have gone on many dates and carried on seeing a few people at the same time... not my style really. I think I invest too much in it too early on. Impulse control problem maybe..?

INH, I am totally jealous of your furniture. I just liked a DIY page on facebook so am hoping it will inspire me and then hopefully I can get to the point where I can buy furniture! I am saving money which to be honest is unheard of for me, so yay me

InsertNameHere

Well I did mean for it to be somewhat funny, but also true, so I am glad you got a chuckle Hypo.

I didn't really know what to say but I noticed that people hadn't been on here much, also we were on the second page. I can't remember which of you but I know one finds that unacceptable.

It was thanksgiving this Thursday here in the states so we had the day off work. My "boss" (meaning my class commander a rank above me) invited me to his girlfriends family's house for a home cooked meal. Normally I would stay as far away from that kind of thing as possible, as I don't like hanging out with people in charge of me or with a bunch of strangers at their house. I talked with my sponsor about it though and eventually decided to take him up on the offer as there wasn't really any good reason for me to refuse except for my own paranoia and poor self conception ( I know there is a better way to say that but I couldn't think of it right now). Well that and I don't like accepting things from anyone, it makes me feel awkward. But long story longer, I did go, and it wasn't a bad time. sure it was a little awkward in the beginning but eventually they broke out a couple of games and that made me way more comfortable. I did kind of kick their but at apples to apples three times in a row and showed them how Jenga and Connect Four are supposed to be played (brushing my shoulders off ). I have mentioned here how I like to play any kind of game right lol.

Anyhow that is how my weekend is going. I am supposed to be cleaning and organizing my bedroom today, we'll see how that goes or if I just end up playing games all day.

How are the rest of ya'll doing?

Jeni26

I'm good thanks INH....it's a big day for the March thread today...a meeting in person for the British girls!

Me, Hypo and Hux travelling from different parts of the country and giving each other a real life hug...amazing to think how close we have become over the past 20 months or so. My virtual and my real world are coming together. It seems strangely significant....you all know more about me than anyone I think!

You will be with us in spirit INH xxx

InsertNameHere

Oh, wow! You all are getting together in real life! Awesome, I am jealous.