I quite like white chocolate LOL SE I try not to buy it.... :lmao

I dunno Melissa - I think there were a whole lot of reasons why I started drinking and then a whole lot more reasons why I became an alcoholic. Hard to pinpoint just one or two.

Noone was key to me recovering in my case tho because I'd pushed everyone away or lost them by then.

Hope you feel better today Liss - you too Venus

D

White chocolate.... Where?

Yum. Vxx

LOL in my shopping cart after I posted that post....:lmao

Milky Bar :yumyum:

D

The milky bar kid only eats whats right,
That's' milky bar, it's clean and white :)

V xx

hi guys, just checking in before bed. i'll have time soon to read, I know I will soon!

big hugs to all who need them and smiles for those who need them too! wehav

Thanks for your interest my writing Mel & Serene! I don't have anything to show yet. :) I'm trying to write some fiction to work through some of my thoughts about all of this and about the suicide of my ex. I've never really given fiction a fair shake and it feels like something I need to do before I move on to what's next. But that also means that at the moment everything I've got is disjointed and awful! :willy It's ok though. It's more about the process than anything else. I've never really given myself fully to a creative writing project so now's the time!

Also Serene sounds like a great trip! Hopefully the nice weather will come back for you... up until today it's been gorgeous and sunny. Very unlike SF.

Mel, interesting thoughts about keys. I think a lot of mine has to do with putting off emotions, as well. My family situation was very difficult growing up, as I've posted before, and there was a lot of need for me to hold it together and keep emotions at bay.

It's interesting though... I started drinking to let emotions out and such! I used to drink and get wild and rebelious. It's only in recent years that I started drinking to control my emotions rather than amplify them.

So I dunno. In some ways I feel like at some point along the line I got into that mindset of "when you've only got a hammer, everything looks like a nail".

............. Just kept typing from there and this is where I got... following is a bit dark and rambly, excuse me!! Please skip if you'd like.

Quitting drinking has come with a great deal of new hope and positivity for me. But also in a certain way it's built off of a very fundamental loss of naivete. When I really dig down into why I've been able to stay quit this time rather than others, it's that somewhere at the heart of it I feel like I've started to accept that life is too big and and too messed up to be influenced by anything I do. I had a damaged family and damaged relationships and people that I loved have died and will die and drinking to feel better about that is as silly as a kid playing peek a boo.

I don't know how I got there from the subject of keys!! But yeah. I feel like in some ways the me that drank was a me that believed in things that the sober me doesn't believe in anymore, if that makes sense. Like part of me while I was drinking believed I was just numbing the hard stuff until everything sorted itself out? Until I found a partner and a great career and all that. And now I feel like I recognize that getting those things are not going to make my life easier.

I've been thinking a lot about the Buddhist teachings about impermanence and non-attachment. That was the stuff I hated about Buddhism when I was a kid. It sounded super bloodless and cold to go through life without attaching to things. But I feel like now I am starting to understand it better, now that I've lost some things. I think I'm starting to get the ideal there of both giving yourself fully to life but also not "attaching" which seems like a somewhat inadequate translation.

So... I guess maybe that's my key? Realizing that there is really no such thing as a comfortable life, so instead of trying to make myself comfortable, I should start trying to adjust to reality.

That's my ramble. :) I'm not actually depressed, even though it sounds that way! I'm feeling quite good actually. Thanks for the prompt Mel. An interesting thing to think over.

Arctic ~ thank you for sharing your post with us here.
I can see you on that swing, laughing, sober at the beer and cookout...
it's a lovely image. :)

Mel ~ the key to where my drinking began was all about grass.
I was addicted and smoked basically every day for many many years...
When I was 29, I had a boyfriend who called me out on it, and I was so
enamoured with him, that I decided to give it up.

Within hours of leaving it behind (sure), I replaced it with alcohol.
So from the very beginning of my drinking, the only purpose was to get blitzed.
The fun was keeping it a secret; drinking in the morning while my boyfriend
was in the shower, when he was anywhere out of sight for a minute really.
And then everything was fun, beyond belief.
For a while.

I was an alcoholic from virtually the minute I picked up a drink,
and it didn't take long before the blackouts began.
Years of trying to stop, swapping back and forth between
booze and grass...until all I wanted was to die. I was done.

I had a milestone birthday coming up, and as you know, my mum had died
very tragically and I was apart from my family.
Honestly, the only reasons I'm still here are Venus and my boyfriend.

So the key to me stopping was if I didn't, I was finished. No reason to go on.
And no way to look myself in the mirror after doing this for so many years.

Sorry if that was a bit long.

Love Venus xx

Fantail- have you ever read eckhartt tolles "a new earth" I think you would love it.

V- thanks for sharing that. I can't imagine this hard time your going through but I'm always here if you need to talk

Worked all night so time for bed, M.

Mel, Venus, Artic, Fantail - thanks for the great posts.

Exhausted, but feeling good in exhaustion.

Inability to deal with stress, self loathing, and anxiety all kept me drinking.
Not drinking? I knew it was now or never.

yum yum, Dee - white chocolate is awesome!

Exhausted, Exhausted, Exhausted. Work has been real demanding. I had a moment when I got home today when I thought I was deserving. Alone, I hit my knees in the living room and looked to the heavens through the sky light asking the good Lord to take the feeling away. A tear and a moment later I felt much better. Knowing I can never give in to Exhaustion. Good Night my friends - Stay Sober.

Glad you made the choice that you did Goose!
Sleep well!

I might add smooth, silky, deep, "Dark Chocolate." Up and Blessed to be working. Stay Sober amigos and amigas.

I think - I hope- I've been going through some PAWS the last couple of days. I binged on food at the weekend- I felt fantastic and I was a bit manic, then I was depressed, then yesterday, I was ready to give up, life seemed utterly pointless, I didn't want to do anything and I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep.

I don't feel nearly as bad today, I struggled to get out of bed, although I did have 10 hours sleep, maybe a lack of concentration. But it seems like the episode is ending and I'm returning to "normal". Bleh

ER

does that happen often ER or was this a one off?

D

Love and hugs Easy.

Venus xx

Its happened Maybe once a month, since I stopped drinking. It really seems to knock me back a few steps. I think I'll be fine in a couple of days. But yeah, I have no idea if its paws or some underlying mental issue.

Might be an idea to make a doctor's appt Easy.

Think it will help.

Love you lots,

V xx

I have no idea either, but I think it makes sense to get it checked out, ER :)

D

Mel -- I haven't read that! I'll pick it up. I've been looking for some spiritual reading. I never knew I was interested before. My religion before was drunken symbolism.

That's really beautiful, Goose. Great job getting through it.

Easy -- I've also been feeling down every few weeks. I've read that PAWS does seem to hit in "moon cycles" although haven't been able to find any statements on whether that's chemical or just something psychological related to day counts or something. Well and they say hormone cycles for women can trigger relapses, but that doesn't apply. :) If you've got access to healthcare, couldn't hurt to check in.