AllieB

Lol. Hi, DG and Babs. Speaking only for myself, I know that I had too much catch-up reading of other people's posts to do before I felt cleared to post.

But, durn it, I'll just post something. Day 19 here, and still doing ok. Glad and grateful not to be drinking, but the rest of my life (or, lack thereof, really) is still scaring the bejeebers out of me so I've been indulging in my alternative addictions to procrastination, avoidance, delay, and tv. So, the news is mixed, but much better than it would be if I added vino and/or vodka to the equation. I'm just relieved and so thankful that I have chosen not to drink away my awareness.

Fixing my life deserves more focus than my appearance, but I keep hoping to see the red blotches on and near my nose dissipate, and to see my waist shrink a little. Hasn't happened yet that I can see, but I'd be excited to read about it if anyone else found that after 3 weeks or so their appearance started to show the benefits of abstinence. When I quit smoking, I didn't really see an improvement in my skin, even after 5 months, but I'm nevertheless hoping that abstaining from alcohol will bring tangible, physical rewards. (And, to anyone thinking about quitting cigarettes, I'm still really glad to have quit even though my skin doesn't seem to be recovering the way I'd hoped. Quitting smoking is slow torture, and I still feel my knees go weak whenever I see or smell anyone smoking, but it's worth it for so many reasons.)

I'm going to catch up on my reading tonight, but hope everyone is feeling strong and being good to themselves!

DG0409

AllieB- if you can find a copy of the book 'The Easy Way to Quit Smoking' it's a great read. It helped my mindset a lot. I'd recommend it even though you're already quit because I think it will make those times around other smokers much easier for you.

Here's a link to another one that is free online: Never Take Another Puff. http://whyquit.com/joel/ntap.pdf

It was also very helpful to me and I'd highly recommend it to anybody looking to quit or who has quit recently.

DG0409

EVERYBODY is ALWAYS clear to post!!!!

And if anybody says different, we'll have the mods kick 'em out or something.

Allie, you're not the only person I've heard that sentiment from, but I don't want to hear it from anyone anymore.

If all you have is a minute, just saying 'hi' or bragging about how many days you have is just fine.

Goat

Yeah, I know when I'm being called out

This afternoon I go in for my second intake interview with the outpatient program I'm enrolling in. Dunno when the actual program will start, but I'll probably find out today.

AllieB

Thanks, DG! No-one has said anything, I just don't want to be a support vampire (showing up to share and ask for help without paying attention to others and supporting their journeys). But I appreciate the kick in the butt to post.

Goat - hope the intake meeting goes well!

Babs1234

I hear you Goat and agree with you all the way. I like to hear from everyone too. It's sooooo nice to know we are not alone in fighting this battle.

AllieB

And, DG, the system just ate my longer thanks for the smoking resources, but, thanks!

I'm actually at a place of peace with my weak knees. Yes, my whole body goes "ahhhhhhh...." when I walk through a cloud of smoke. But it also goes "ahhhhhhhh" when I smell bread baking or listen to Alan Rickman playing villains. Doesn't mean I'm going to move to Sherwood Forest or open a bakery. I can accept and enjoy that some sense sensations (smoke, fresh bread with butter, soothing, rumbling villains) will melt all the knots in my muscles, but I don't need to do anything beyond observe the reaction.

DG0409

Procrastination.

I don't know why I do that to myself. I just want to ramble for a moment because I hold myself back so much by just finding a million ways to procrastinate.

I finally returned a call I should have returned on Friday. It took like five minutes to fix the problem my customers were fixing. It was a total no-brainer. Now they're happy again and I feel good for getting it done. So why do I find it so hard to just START??

I make my life worse all the time by doing this stuff. I had an opportunity to help create a reputation of getting back to people in a timely manner for our company and I blew it. Sadly, getting back to them only a few days late is actually an improvement from normal.

At least I DID make myself follow my schedule and sit down and start working. I DO like the feeling of having things done and I really do like it when I send my customers on their way with their problems solved.

Anyway, back to work... I can't spend my time procrastinating with a rant about procrastination!

AllieB

As the queen of avoidance, I hear you.

I never used to be quite this bad about it...but it's like I've come untethered in the last two years, and it's all just so much to deal with that procrastinating and avoiding seems easier. (It's not.)

Good job making the call, though! At least it's done, and the dread of the call-to-be-placed can't drag you down any more.

Goat

Ditto here. I have too many mental barriers to starting stuff.

DG0409

Well, my bf invited a friend over for BBQ and beers. I kind of wish I could have one. I kind of wish that we could have something else going on.

I'll let them at it... I'm just kind of avoiding them and doing my own thing. It might not be the most social thing, but I don't feel like being social. I really have no desire to sit around while they're drinking and pretend like I'm having a good time.

I feel left out, but I don't want to join in.

I'm struggling with life feeling like a lot of over due responsibilities and not feeling like I can enjoy it. Ugg... This sucks tonight! I feel bothered by everything. I just got the kitchen clean this weekend and now my bf is making a mess of it again. He is better than he used to be about doing dishes and stuff... he tries, but it's never as clean around here as it would be if it were just me and I find it bothersome.

I would be mowing the lawn and getting caught up on yard chores, but they're out there drinking.

And here I am busy being upset about what somebody else is doing. I spend way too much of my time like that. I know I need to focus on me. I need to think of the things that I am thankful for and come up with some new thoughts to have about all of this. So, here goes:

• my bf did take care of some stuff for me today. He does try hard to make me happy and to contribute.
• I am glad that I'm not going to wake up hung-over tomorrow.
• It says a lot that I didn't think of drinking, I came to SR to post instead.
• It's ok for them to do what they want to. They're adults after all.
• It's OK for me to not join in and find something I enjoy doing.
• I have a nice cup of tea to drink.
• Once the friend leaves, I'll probably still be awake, not passed-out drunk, so I can go on a nice walk this evening.
• I have some time I could use to do something I enjoy MORE than drinking, like play my drums.

Anyway, I do feel better already.

Viperidae

Ditto! I've been wondering where everyone is yesterday and today. I'm ok here. I moved a jump forward with a ton of cleaning, but woke exhausted this morning. The last time I quit I was going all out by now (the 2 years made a huge difference). So I had to just take it easy today. I've been getting headaches and jaw tightness from the prozac. A drink would be great right now, until the nightmare tomorrow, so I have to keep going.

Day 20 is over, I'm going to crash and it's only 9. So 3 weeks tomorrow. YAY! I Rock.

Goat and DG, good to see you guys!!!!!! HEART!

That friendly spider slowly plodding along is me.
No clue we had all those emoticons to choose from.

ScoutBall

Hang in, DG.
You're doing the right thing, obviously.
Been a crap poster the last few days...gotta get better.
Hope all are well, and doing good.
I've been trying to get some more drawing done, and clean off my desk. Daunting...
I also find myself irritable at some pretty goofy crap lately. Frustrating, and unexplained I guess...lame.
Be well guys.
Sb

AnotherPaul

39 days sober. Still having some ups and downs, but today was pretty smooth at work and I had a nice productive evening alone including a chat meeting right here on SR. If you're not joining those, I highly recommend them.

Viperidae

I just caught up. Goat, good luck with Outpatient.

Procrastination. We use alcohol to procrastinate about everything. Someone here said it's like a pause button on your life. I also turn to TV, Netflix, browsing around shops, sitting outside coffee shops, food, or anything to avoid doing things. I normally would set myself up with a nice glass of wine, just to sweep my kitchen floor, or make a call to AT&T Customer Service.

I hear you on the smokes too. Luckily number of cigs I had just dropped by itself over the last few years. Then I was smoking so few that quitting was not a HUGE deal. Every time I smell them I get cravings though.

DG, you're doing a good job. You decided to just entertain yourself and think of the good things that will come from not drinking. You are a very smart person.

My best buddy Alexandra is in one of my old haunts tonight. I cannot go there for several reasons. 'The other Johnny' mouthed off too many times. That manager wants to murder me. Oh well.

Alexandra was in a terrible mood yesterday because I am starting to get a lot better. She said she is jealous and ticked off. I told her, 'I have no time for BS. Understand?' Of course she only wants the best for me and is a really good friend, but she has it pretty rough. I don't think most of us can comprehend how rough it's been for that poor girl. It's interesting when she's not here because I realize how very few friends I have in this town. I know 500 people on a first name basis in Hartford (literally), but real friends, I have about 2 or 3. All of my buddies got married, my best friend died 2 years ago. Makes it easier to get out.

Here's to me doing just that, or doing something!!

Welcome back AllieB. Goodnight all.

Goat

I'm glad we have this group that we can talk to on days like that.... but then again sometimes it would be nice if it was a local group so we could just call up our april buds and get together at the coffee shop or something.

Heh, or put together the April Band... DG on the drums, me on guitar and whoever else wants to join in. Someone could even play the empty jugs from our former... moonshine... or something... days :-D

MsHyde

Hello everyone,
the week-end has been busy and full of people and events so I didn't really have much time to come here.
I'm on day 26 today, so in 4 days I'm gonna have 30 days sober, yay!!
The week-end was nice, and the music / beer festival was pretty cool except some people were really loaded which was kind of annoying (I would have been one of them). At first it was really difficult to be there and not drink, but after a while it became OK. So I broke a new habit: sober festival
The music was cool, mainly sludge and some post-rock, everybody was smoking weed (except me and my friends) but it didn't bother me. There was a huge fire (the temperature was quite low). A very dear friend of mine was there and I hadn't seen him in a long time, so it was nice to talk with him. Once again, besides the fact that they drink too much, my friends don't get wasted, they are still very interesting and aware and able to have interesting discussions when drinking. I was a little afraid that I might despise them for being drunk, but I don't. I still love them a lot even if I'm aware of the fact that they do drink too much.

The beginning of the week was really weird, I had huge craving for drugs (not so much for alcohol). My AV was thinking that everything was so easy I could go recreational again with both drugs and alcohol but I shut him up (yeah, my AV is a guy). Now he seems to be gone.
I know that this will be the next move: since the detox hasn't been horrible I have the feeling that I'm not that bad, that maybe I can drink again at parties etc... I need to work on that.



Goat, I can sing in the Sober April Bandicoots used to sing in a goth/ coldwave band and in a medieval / folk band too.

AllieB

DG: It's always impressive to watch you walk yourself through your emotional state and choose the path best suited to your goal. Way to go!

Scoutball: Blurg. I'm familiar with phases in which one's temper is inexplicably and unpredictably out of control. It's no fun whatsoever. I'm sure you've found safety valves of your own, but, just for giggles, my absurd-but-effective approach is to stock up on salvation army pottery (or anything dirt cheap and breakable) to have something smashable on hand for temper emergencies. Going into "Hulk smash" mode is unbelievably therapeutic, and I usually found that after one or two plates, I had released enough energy that I could laugh at myself.

Nowadays, instead of pottery, I go outside and look for a big rock to throw at other rocks until something breaks (seriously). Usually, the ick-factor entailed in seeing the little pillbugs living on the bottom of the stone and the wimpiness of my girl-throw are enough to take me out of myself and help me smile at the puny, ineffectual rage that drove me outside to play Hulk.

*In the interest of minimizing the degree to which this makes me seem totally unhinged, I should say that the Hulk smash button is pushed only once in a great, great while.

Goat: an SR jug band is a great idea!

AnotherPaul: Congratulations on your time. And thanks for mentioning the online chat meetings...I didn't realize those were available.

Johnny: hope things between you and your friend sort themselves out with a little time and that you find new haunts for yourself.

Ms Hyde: Great job taking down your AV. The festivals you've talked about here and in earlier posts sound amazing, but I can see how they would be a mixed blessing with so many people drinking or otherwise "wreckreating."
Glad you made it through, and hope your next 4 days are easier!

Goat

Hehe, a sober coldwave jug band... now that's something you don't see every day :-D


.... and my brain is already writing songs for it, heh

... and I just busted out laughing when I mentally replaced the synthesized trumpet things in Siouxsie's Peek-A-Boo with jugs

DG0409

That would be awesome!!

It reminds me that I need to start making more non-drinking friends IRL.

It is hard to read/do/think anything without being reminded of the things I 'need' to start doing.