Dee74

continues from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-5-a-20.html

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fantail

50 days today for me and for Pamel!

Today was a mess for me, physically. I felt almost hung over and kept falling back to sleep. I've noticed that on certain days I'll dream especially vividly and feel less rested the next day... I've been trying to research it and it seems that alcohol interrupts REM sleep, so like everything else it goes a bit haywire while the CNS levels itself out.

Amongst other things, last night I dreamt that I secretly drank a beer and wasn't going to tell anyone about it, just act like it never happened. But then I had to have an important conversation with my roommates and the entire time I felt like I couldn't express myself properly because I was drunker than I wanted to be. High five subconscious, nice reminder.

venuscat

Fantail and Pamel ~ Congratulations to you both on 50 days!!! Woo Hoo!!!

We're doing well....was day 60 for me yesterday.

But no matter what day we're on, we are all still trying, still doing our best to make a sober life the life we choose every day.

Love Venus xx

Dee74

congratulations fantail and pamel

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melissa6381

Congrats to everyone's accomplishments! I guess I don't have anything else much to say right now and I think that's a good thing. We have come so far as a group in the last 2 months, Pretty cool you guys!

Mainza

Great to see you sober! I have been so busy with work and life right now. I apologize for not making more time to read and post on here. I know how quickly sobriety can turn into drunkenness and old habits and I will not let that happen. I can not moderate! It will not work no matter how hard I try. I am much better off just giving it up completely.

I am not sure on my day count but I quit sometime mid February so I think I am at 50 or 60 days.

I feel good and am very happy with my decision. I am running my first half marathon tomorrow! I will have a lot more free time when the summer comes and my hope is to be more active on here. It is very important to give back to this community and to give others support.



Mainza

Mvngon

Great job Fantail, Pamel, Venus and Mainza! Congratulations on your sobriety milestones!

Best to everyone else as well. Hope you all are having a happy and healthy Friday!

Odelle

Hi Mainza, good to hear from you and to know that you are doing well. It’s amazing how simple it seems once we accept the fact that drinking is off the table, isn’t it? I am also unable to moderate, despite many years of trying to control myself only to fail miserably. I am happy with my decision to be a non-drinker and I am relieved to be comfortably building sobriety time, as summer seems to present additional triggers for me.

Wishing everyone a safe and sober weekend! If anyone is going through cravings this weekend, please sign onto SR and post before you act on the urge! Since our class thread can be slow at times, for faster response the Newcomers to Sobriety forum should provide you with the support and recommendations to help you to ride out the craving. Let’s stay strong and support each other as we push forward to our one year anniversary!

venuscat

Odelle ~ What an awesome post. I listen to your words, and I am always inspired...Yes, drinking is off the table.

Nice and simple. The truth. And yes it is a relief to be building sober time, a direct contrast to the chaos I was creating every single day while I was drinking.

Adding to the wishes for a safe and sober weekend,

Love Venus xx

1stepup

Hi all, well done everyone you're all doing great!

Had an ok couple of days, went to a football game last night, which I was quite nervous about, but got into it after a bit and felt less self conscious with every minute that passed, found myself shouting and getting into the atmosphere. The football drinking culture is ingrained here, my AV in my head was trying to convince me to move nearer the football club- about 50 miles away and start again there, new job , new friends, new me? No. The drink would catch up with me wherever I am in this world- I miss the banter and laughs and friendships though. Felt a bit jealous and envious of some of the fans around me, they probably went to a pub before the game, had a few and then on to the match. Wanted to be 'one of the lads' and must admit felt lonely making my way back home.

When I was going to matches with mates in the past though, the drink became much more important than the game- I remember going to the bar at the ground during the game and downing as mush as I could- more often than not id miss a goal, but nothing else matters once its in our system the obsession for the next drink consumes me and it wrecks the whole event. Its good for me to keep remembering this and other things that went out of the window once alcohol was in the equation.

Went to USA holiday to New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Atlantic City and Las Vegas (all in 2 weeks), about six years ago and went with a mate, he'd set up loads of stuff for us to do sightseeing etc I put up with it in New York for a few days but I remember feeling angry at my mate for not wanting to go in the bars and meet the 'real' americans- people like me, drinkers. In the end we did our own thing- him seeing the tourist stuff, me seeing pub wallpaper! It was a real struggle to get to airports, bus stations etc feeling hungover, by the time I hit Vegas I hardly left the hotel I was in just drinking at the bar all day and night- alcohol once again consumed me. I convinced myself that it was my mates fault for booking too many places to visit in the time we had, so I drank and drank and drank. Cost me thousands to go and I wasted the chance of a lifetime.

Anyway had a better day today, had my two girls, so it was well worth staying sober at the football. Feel relieved and happy to be sober tonight- I know il have laughs and banter in the future just this time il be sober and remember them more.

Thank you all for being here- you all understand this 'thing' we've got to live with. But least we're all starting to really live now not just exist.

Goodnight friends.

Starbaby928

Hey Y'all!!! I am so incredibly sorry I've been off the radar for a while. I was busy, busy with work this week... Barely had time to make my meetings...

Nothing to report here. Still sober. I guess thats something, right? Feeling a little restless to be quite honest.

Nothing but meetings on the docket for the weekend. I guess that's enough for now but I want to live life again- you know? I suppose I need to realize this is temporary. Right?

Special shout outs to melissa, Goose, MV, my dear Venuscat, Pamel, PK!!!!, SereneEdition & 1StepUp... You all seem to be doing so well!

Howdy to Dee as well!

Soberemmie9

Hi All,

I'm struggling a bit. The anxiety and sleepless nights of the last couple of days is getting to me. I've always struggled with anxiety and hoped that not drinking would cure everything and magically make my life 1000% better. The reality is that it's all still there. The worrying about my job and angst about doing everything right and bigger and better than anyone else is just taking over. Also, today is the day that I talk to the counsellor about my period of abstinence and whether to go back to drinking. The battles in my head are exhausting.

Yesterday, there was a Friday work lunch. Every one of the top managers had a couple of drinks and cancelled the rest of their day. I don't drink at work because I have this weird thing about not being paid to drink at work (also I number crunch and it's virtually impossible after a drink at lunch..). I was looking at my mentors and thinking that's not who I want to be and was glad I wasn't drinking but on the other hand I was thinking about all the networking opportunities I've missed out on the last couple of months. My boss kept saying ' how long is this not-drinking thing going to last?' We've missed you
at after works drinks.' So I started getting all angsty about not being normal and why I can't just have one. This lead to the whole thought process of maybe I can have one at those times, because I have been able to in the past. Then, immediately I thought about all the stuff they didn't know. That, that one or two at the after work drinks sometimes led to a night of a binge drinking with strangers afterwards where I'd black out and end up shamed and confused for days...

So I dealt with this by working back late and telling myself I could have a drink tomorrow but definitely not today as I knew I hadn't slept well the last few nights, was anxious and hadn't eaten much (super bad combination for drinking when I thought back on it). I went home, had dinner and put myself to bed early. Today is here and I'm glad I did that but yet the thoughts of moderation are swirling around my head.

I've been reading lots of posts looking for my story and I can't find it exactly. When I came to the Feb thread this morning, I saw Mainza's post about running a half marathon and thought wow, I'd like to do that. I saw Odelle's inspiring post about posting before the urge to drink gets out of control (so I wrote this) and then I read 1stepup's story about football games and thought 'I was like that at footy matches - drinking before and during the game, missing the goals and not caring'. You're all doing this, maybe I can too. I know logically that my work is improving, my study getting better and my health is great so why would I want to ruin it all? It's not a physical craving as such, it's a bit like wanting to be 'normal', wanting a reprieve from the endless anxiety at the moment. I know that reprieve lasts 5 minutes at best, but still...

Apologies for rambling and thank you for listening. I'd love to know how you deal with it.
Em x

Starbaby928

Hey Em... I think you're doing great- 60+ days, right? So awesome!!!

When I get anxious, I slow down and do some breathing exercises. They actually help me a lot! And Odelle led me to research PAWs which has helped a lot too! All of these things are normal feelings for us... Anxiety and whatnot... But if we keep up our efforts, they won't be permanent.

Just remember what you thought over lunch- you DON'T want to be like you were... And continue to think that drink through to the consequences. For me, those consequences are never worth the drink.

I can relate... I'm getting a bit antsy but try my best to identify and deal with those feelings. For me, moderating isn't an option and probably never will be. I'm an alcoholic.

Best to you! I'll send you positive energy this weekend!

SB

Dee74

Why not speak to your counselor about the insomnia and anxiety - or if thats not appropriate, maybe find someone you can speak about everything to?

I think it's something we all deal with to varying degrees - but the solution lies ahead, not behind us.

The fact is I was able to have one or two at certain times too - but I was never able to be confident of my ability to stop at that, and in fact I lost it.

You've done so well for the last 60+ days because you've not been drinking, not because you've proved you can control it - if you can see the difference?

as for networking...I dunno what to tell you there, I was a historian and musician, so networking wasn't really a factor.

I can tell you that I drank so much by the end that noone would hire me.
You don't want to go there.

D

venuscat

Em ~ for me, I know I am an alcoholic, and I know that this disease is powerful and clever and mystifying....yep, the old phrase from the BB that rings so true for all of us "Cunning, Baffling, Powerful".

My disease would love me to pick up a drink, it would love me to believe that moderation could work, even though I know how alcohol has harmed me and damaged my life.

We came here because we didn't want that anymore. So why would we entertain thoughts of starting that horror all over again? And imagine the internal anxiety those thoughts are causing!!

For me, I am an alcoholic. Those thoughts may always pop up, I will always need to remain vigilant. But what I will not do, is blame myself for these thoughts or question them.

It is within my power to choose to ignore them. One day at a time. Every day that I do this, I win.

And Em ~ this freedom is the key to my anxiety dissipating. I am powerless over alcohol, and I always will be. As Odelle said, drinking is off the table. That knowledge makes me feel peaceful.

Love Venus xx

Soberemmie9

Thanks, Starbaby, that helps. I do forget to breathe. I felt instantly better when I removed myself from the situation and thought about the consequences to the end. Just so frustrated at the moment.

Thanks, Dee. I am thinking about getting some therapy particularly for the anxiety. You hit the nail on the head with sometimes you could have one or two but not being confident to control it. That's exactly how I feel. The idea of drinking causes me more anxiety than not having one because I still don't know where it'll end up. Maybe I'll take the reprieve from thinking about it and try for another 30 days. Then I don't have to think about it again til then.

Soberemmie9

Venus, thank you!

I don't know why I can't just give up and admit to that powerlessness. It's been 60+ days and I still don't want to admit that I can't control it. The idea of forever is just too huge. Control freak much? ;-)

Dee74

I think a lot of us can identify *cough*

I took it a day at a time...to me forever was a ridiculous (and frightening) notion...

as the days tracked up tho, I realised I was doing forever anyway

D

Soberemmie9

Dee, there you go, making sense again.

Dee74

I'm annoying like that, lol

D