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Class of April 2013 Part 3

Old 05-02-2013, 11:08 PM
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1 a.m. day nine. Better take my sleep aid. Wake up and be really happy I did it again. And I skipped the benzodiazepine for the first day, gotta take it tomorrow for sure. I'll try 1 every other day for a bit and see how that goes. It's long acting.

Everything is pretty good. I'm not all stressed like last night. A lot of my concerns were overblown. I think things will be fine with the testing and the psychiatrist, I had the wrong idea (as usual).
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Old 05-03-2013, 12:38 AM
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OMG I just learned that Jeff Hanneman from Slayer died, I'm so so sad. I'm grieving right now. So many memories.

It's gonna be hard not to drink (especially that the people I'm meeting with tonight are huge Slayer fans too) but I won't.

Day 14 has started and there is no way I'm ruining it.
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Old 05-03-2013, 06:15 AM
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Day 25 here.

I'm struggling with the stresses of home. My AV won't stop it's chatter the last few days. It keeps telling me that I'm not strong enough, that I'll never get anything done, that I'll be miserable, that I can't do it, that it is too much for me to handle.

Thoughts. I know my misery today comes from my thoughts. I woke-up and just thought that it was going to be a terrible day. And now, I'm convinced of it and feeling terrible. Why do I do that to myself??? I make myself miserable with the things I think all the time. Why do I wake up feeling ok some days and not others? Some days, the negative thoughts just seem to come and other times I wake up feeling positive.

But more importantly is what I'm going to do about it. I don't want to be swallowed by the waves of negative thoughts. I don't want my head to be a dark place I'm afraid of. I don't want to waste my day thinking stuff to make myself miserable. I guess that's a good starting place. I just have to act on it. And then 30 seconds later when I think something else bad, I have to act on it again.

I guess I need to really throw myself into recovery behaviors rather than allowing myself to sit around feeling bad anymore.

For now, I suppose I will find my planner and actually look at really scheduling some things in it. (Can't remember just now who suggested that, but I know I read it on here. Thanks.) Having a routine would probably really help me, especially since I pretty much work for myself and sometimes don't have much of a normal routine. It's easy to be busy doing things that I shouldn't be doing. Which turns my life into not what it should be. If I schedule some 'me' time in there, then when I'm stressed I'll know when I have to look forward to that I can unwind.

Day 1 I really couldn't have imagined making or sticking to a schedule. Or maybe the schedule just read: DON'T DRINK. But now, I actually do feel like I could start to PLAN stuff out and stick to it. So, that's something to be thankful for.
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Old 05-03-2013, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by MsHyde View Post
OMG I just learned that Jeff Hanneman from Slayer died, I'm so so sad. I'm grieving right now. So many memories.

It's gonna be hard not to drink (especially that the people I'm meeting with tonight are huge Slayer fans too) but I won't.

Day 14 has started and there is no way I'm ruining it.
You're not alone, I think Goat's a huge Slayer fan too.

You both should dedicate today as a sober day in honor Jeff Hanneman together.
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Old 05-03-2013, 06:49 AM
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Good morning! Another Day 8. Going to be a sunny and warm weekend here in PA. I have been sober the last 3 weekends so feeling pretty good, except for some anxiety about Sunday. My husbands brother is coming into town so his whole family (brother, mom, dad and 88yr old grandmother) are coming over for an all day visit/dinner. My husbands family is very religious so they don't touch alcohol (plus I think his dad had a problem with alcohol in the past?) The problem is my previous habit of getting through the day with the help of my vodka bottle buddy. Don't get me wrong, I love his family, but they can get on my nerves. Especially when they are all here the entire day/night. I used to hide a bottle of vodka upstairs and sneak up to take sips to make the day more "fun". Now what? Do I actually have to get through the day sober? What if I am a cranky b*^!*? Ugh. I know what I have to do - just not go to the liquor store. I can't have anything in the house. I will post here before I do anything I will regret, though, I promise

Bettagirl, you mentioned pins and needles in your hands? I have been meaning to ask about that because during and right after my last bad binge (way over a month ago) I started having that in my left hand! Really scared me because I had never felt that before (except when my hand fell asleep). I googled it and saw that enough alcohol, over time, can damage our nerves? I have been wondering if anyone else has experienced that or knows anything about it?

NotSoIvory - I really hope you are able to enjoy your BD sober. I agree with NewLeaf, maybe your husband was trying to make it less eventful for you so it would be easier for you? Can you tell him how you are feeling and maybe ask him why he chose to work over your BD weekend? I agree, plant something special or make one of your favorite meals or desserts and just pamper yourself, with the help of alcohol. You will be so proud of yourself the next day and bet you will really remember this BD?!

Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. Keep trying!
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Old 05-03-2013, 06:53 AM
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SO SORRY, NotSoIvory, I just reread my last post and I obviously meant to say "pamper yourself WITHOUT the help of alcohol"!!! Lol, sorry!
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Old 05-03-2013, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
Why do I wake up feeling ok some days and not others? Some days, the negative thoughts just seem to come and other times I wake up feeling positive?
I couldn't have said it better, DG. I have been having the same problem. Some days I wake up feeling so good and full of energy and then others I wake up tired, cranky and unmotivated (like I did when I was hungover!) I am hoping this is just part our bodies and minds healing? However, some days I feel so "blah" that my AV tries to convince me that I might as well just drink. I know this is not the answer, though Congrats on 25 days, that is really great!!
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:36 AM
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Bug: That is exactly what it means. Your body and mind are healing and it takes a tremendous amount of energy. You are going through a tidal wave of chemical changes and your body is trying to compensate for it all. The great days will become more frequent and the bad ones less frequent.

Tingling in the hands? Nerves most likely. They will adjust. They are in panic mode right now. If this came as a byproduct of quitting booze, it is probably temporary. The pinched nerve in my back is flaring up, and I'm sure it would be 'cured right up' with a glass of wine, but that isn't going to happen.

SSLLAAYYEERR!! Part of my heritage. I saw them in about 1992. Sorry guys. Motorhead, also awesome.

AnotherPaul is the one who mentioned the schedule. It is an excellent idea. And I would suggest to DG that you just add one positive thing to it. Like yesterday I got to a wonderful park, at my UNhappy hour time. And if the only thing on your schedule is 'Don't Drink!,' that is a pretty darn good schedule. Filling the drinking void with cooking good food, going to the outdoors, exercise, helps big time. Try to add one thing.

Testing: Thanks for all the responses on that urine testing issue. I talked to the Doc and he is totally cool. I can show up once a week when I want to. If I'm not here, it's ok. The test won't show if I binged days earlier, but that doesn't matter. For all the psychiatrist knows, I could be getting loaded every night and he needs to know that. It's a good faith thing. Cheating the system is cheating myself out of a life.

More later. Good luck!! Day 8 looks like I'll be tired, but I'm positive and not craving. And sorry about my typo issues. I always edit text over and over. I need a word processing program to avoid that stuff. I'm a writer, but spelling and typos are something I will never get over.
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Old 05-03-2013, 10:29 AM
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Thanks for you response, Johnny555. The tingling in my hand started while drinking on my last binge and was especially bad the day after. Probably just a warning sign that I had better quit or far worse health consequences were just around the corner. I found this site shortly thereafter Good to hear you are feeling better. I am on Day 8 as well. I agree, getting outside in this beautiful weather, especially at tis time of the year is very therapeutic. I love to cook, but that is a bit hard right now because I always cooked with my glass of wine right there with me. Used to be my favorite part of the day. Oh well, on to making new routines/memories and saying good-bye to old ones, right?
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Old 05-03-2013, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by MsHyde View Post
OMG I just learned that Jeff Hanneman from Slayer died, I'm so so sad. I'm grieving right now. So many memories.
What? I mean, I knew he was in bad shape, but I didn't think there was any chance of him dying!

Wow! Ok, I should qualify why that is important to me and why I should be posting about it here...

Long about 1986/87 I discovered Slayer. The discovery of Slayer was when I suddenly realized who I was and what I was all about. They have played such a basic role in my creation as a person. And... I'm talking about my SOBER person here. I had no time for Slayer (or musical at all, for that matter) as a drunk.

Man... gonna take me some time to get my head around this!
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:05 AM
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Ladybug - You asked about the pins and needles. Here is a brief article that explains alcoholic neuropathy. I've had some mild symptoms of it myself, including the pins and needles.

Alcoholic neuropathy: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia

Thank you to NewLeaf, bettagirl, and Ladybug. To explain the situation a little more clearly, he knew it was my bday weekend, as we've been talking about it for the last 2 weeks. He lives kind of far away so he can't just come over any day he wants to because of work. I might be lucky if I see him 4 days a month (2 weekends) as it is. I told him that I wanted to go kayaking and he agreed to that enthusiastically originally. Then, his work offered him to work on that Saturday and Sunday. Knowing he had made these plans, he told me he was going to agree to work anyway. I told him last night after my original post about how my feelings were hurt. I explained to him that it wouldn't be as big of a deal had it not been my birthday. I explained to him how I felt I was always being pushed aside for his work or whatever else he had to do that was important. Got a little teary over it, this has been a huge trigger for me for a long time now. I spoke to him very gently and calmly but it didn't matter. He started yelling at me telling me that he was SURVIVING and he some how came up with the idea that I was putting him down even though I didn't say anything that could have possibly been misconstrued that way?? The thing is, too, (I didn't say this) he makes more money than me and his rent/bills are less than mine, but he's very impulsive with his money, eats out all the time, etc... I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here.

Originally Posted by NewLeaf View Post
Just remind yourself that you're NOT really small and unimportant.
Thank you, because I think I needed to hear that.

I love the idea of planting something as well!! Then watch it grow with me in my recovery to see how far we've come That's such a lovely idea! ...but, I live in a condo that is under the rule of an association. If I did, it would have to go in a pot, and I can't say I've had the best luck with that in the past.

Ladybug - Lol!! Thanks for clarifying.

Goat - Glad to see you are doing well! Been noticing you haven't been posting as much as you used to.

Been missing a few people in fact. I do hope everyone is doing well and hanging tough.

MLC - Thanks for the very sound insights about the family situation, have been giving it some thought, and trying to think of ways to implement.

Also, congrats to those who have surpassed their 30 days! I know I am a bit behind in my posting as well. But major kudos to you! I am aspiring to be right behind you. Seems like a major feat during difficult times, but truly love the inspiration from you! Keep up the amazing work!

Feeling very depressed today. Having some bad memories surface now and along with that comes anger. Have been through some horribly painful stuff in my young adult life that I don't think I ever dealt with properly and have turned my pain into anger/rage and have pushed a lot of stuff out of my mind to intentionally forget as a faulty coping mechanism. This is going to be a really rough weekend, and to spend it at home with my brother here drinking is going to make it even more rough.

Thanks again, everyone, for your steadfast support and encouragement. Be well.
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:31 AM
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Thanks for the article, NotSoIvory. Pretty scary! Had no idea such a thing could happen? Was always just worried about my liver.

Hope you feel better and are able to enjoy some of your BD weekend. Just remember that YOU are important and you are doing a really good thing for yourself by not drinking. Is your BD Sat or Sun?
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:48 AM
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Morning guys.
Dropped buddy off at the airport just a little bit ago.
Blue Dog and I have the house to ourselves! Weeeeeeee!
Tired, sore, (so much surfing!) and vastly relieved. I proved to myself that even with a pal that drinks (like a normal human being) I can do it. That was cool. Two whole weeks of it!
Going to draw today, and maybe read in the hammock. Mom is in a few meetings today, as she can't just take a vacation. Always on the go.
I've got to get busy on some projects for June, and really need to organize my portfolio. Always trying to tweak it as to not pigeon hole myself, or remain too singularly stylized.

Keep lugging guys. NotSo: I'm sorry to hear about the row wi the BF. I hope you get to indulge yourself for your BDay, and treat yourself to something you wouldn't normally.

Johnny: great job. I like the idea of unhappy hour. It's ironic, and funny. I am more understanding of your VT retreat. I was imagining you sequestered away from EVERYONE. Glad that you would have some non drinking buds to hang with.

Bug: sorry to hear the pins and needles...that's never a nice feeling, and disconcerting to be sure. I dealt with anxiety based muscle/nerve stuff myself, and I'm glad to say that once drinking was no longer a factor, it's subsided a lot. Not gone away, but is definitely less.

DG: I'm still in the life raft. Some days are awesome, others aren't. I have found that exercise...even a short jaunt with Blue Dog can help lift my spirits a bit. Being trapped with my thoughts isn't always very cool. The days I'm exhausted are usually pretty gross, and I can tell in my work, and how much I want to interact with people. I hope you are able to weather the storm till the tide turns. I had someone say to me once: Make it a good day. It stuck with me, because we can. Empowering oneself is tricky, but eye opening when it works...

High fives and hugs to all. Keep at it guys. Our Monsters may be out there lurking...but with our flashlights and blanket forts we can keep them at bay.

Best!
Scoutie

Last edited by ScoutBall; 05-03-2013 at 11:54 AM. Reason: Autocorrect Madness
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Old 05-03-2013, 01:22 PM
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Hey all, hope you're doing well! Sober since my slip last Saturday. Feeling a little low and without energy, so have been a bit out of touch with SR this week. Just to let you know I am thinking about all of you and hope you'll have a nice weekend. Big hug
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Old 05-03-2013, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by NotSoIvory View Post
Goat - Glad to see you are doing well! Been noticing you haven't been posting as much as you used to.
You're right, I haven't... I was posting a lot for a while because I allowed myself a little break from work. But this past week I've been working my touchas off to get ready for my presentations in Boston next week. After that I'll probably return to a norm of somewhere in the middle.

There's also not a whole lot of daily drama in my life to report. It's just the same stuff every day... working 80 hour weeks, coaching baseball, playing music with the band...

My counselor says he thinks this is part of my problem -- that I never allow myself an escape and I should make it a point to take vacations. Hehe, for me a vacation is taking the family somewhere so I can work and they can play
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:43 PM
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I feel better. So naturally I feel like drinking. I also have that pang right in the solar plexes I get. That's the craving feeling, but I guess I just have to shut it down every half hour until the night is done. I was thinking of a movie. Life of Pi is playing on a second run at a cheaper theater. Good because ill have to pay for my friends ticket. She's broke. I would really like to see Ironman iii. I need some Guy Movie stuff!! Explosions. Opening night! Popcorn....
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:48 PM
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Before you think it's finished, just remember Monsters were little once too...

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Old 05-03-2013, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
I guess I need to really throw myself into recovery behaviors rather than allowing myself to sit around feeling bad anymore.


This is exactly what they were trying to get at during the AA meeting I went to yesterday. Don't think about it to death, just make a choice, yes or no. It's really that easy. And then do it.

Since I'm usually this little emoticon , that just seems ridiculous to me. But maybe it really is that simple.

You know as Mark Twain says: “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”

Just make your list of the things you're going to get done today. Keep it simple, only put the "you must do this or you will die" type things on the list plus one or two more minor things that will challenge your toward a goal you're trying to achieve, and do the hardest thing first. It really does work, I made tremendous progress with this a year or so ago.

If your goal is sobriety, pick a few small things that will help you with that goal, and bang them out first thing. Makes sense to me!
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug2 View Post
Now what? Do I actually have to get through the day sober? What if I am a cranky b*^!*? Ugh. I know what I have to do - just not go to the liquor store. I can't have anything in the house. I will post here before I do anything I will regret, though, I promise
Don't worry Ladybug. It's not even Sunday yet. You are projecting way into the weekend here. Just don't drink today. Then you can wake up tomorrow, and not drink tomorrow. Then you can wake up on Sunday and if you want to worry about that day then, you can. Or you can just get through the first hour of Sunday.

Worry about Sunday today isn't going to help, it's just going to make today and Saturday harder. Maybe they won't even come? Maybe they'll have some sort of emergency or whatever that makes them not show up?
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:24 PM
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just popping in to say hi...on the mend now, I think. Vicious infection.

Hope to catch up with you guys over the next few days - just wanted to wish you all well
for now

D
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