Hi everyone, on day 28 and been feeling a little perculiar for want of a better word. I guess Mustlovecoffee (my old april-ite! bandicoot) i relate to a lot of what you said. Wondering about the future, what all this means. why I do the things I do, etc etc. I had a real wake up call yesterday afternoon. I had an appointment with the pain mangement doctor / top anaethestist for our area. My hubby pulled some strings and got me the appointment as he is genuinely concerned that now i'm off all my pain meds, and back at work, at some point my back is going to give up the ghost again. I thought it would be an incredible waste of time but it was actually incredibly helpful and insightful. We discussed the possibility of steroid injections into my spine should my back go, which was a relief, i know i can never go back on painkillers because I cant take them sensibly so I was worrying what I would do if my back went again. I also discussed my drinking, and that I had a problem with drinking most of my 20's and how i am terrified of starting to replace pain pills with alcohol. The long and short of it is he has referred me to a top Consultant Psychiatrist. I was a little alarmed initially, these guys are kind of "God" like in the UK and most people on the NHS see one of their underlings, a psychologist or Psychiatric registrar, I said 'do you really think im that messed up I need the Consultant himself!?' Apparently not, he said because i was my husbands wife he wasnt going to send me to any tom dick or harry! He then pointed out that was I not aware that the Doctor who handled my outpatient detox was the top guy for the area, the detox meds i had were the most expensive available (not available on the NHS), that he himself normally commanded a fee of £350 for a half hour appointment and that the psych guy only see's special referrals. All these people have been treating me free as a favour to my husband. I think I just sat with my mouth open like a goldfish. I can only imagine what it must have done to my husbands pride (as we are in dire financial strife) to have called all these colleagues; basically tell them his wife is a bl**dy junkie and then ask them to see me for a favour as we cant afford to pay. I went home got on my knees and thanked God for giving me the most amazing, loving husband in the world. I will never work out what he sees in me and why he loves me so so much. It left me with this overwheling sense of having to stay well, and not to fail at 28 days not just for myself but for him, my children and all these people who have given their time for free to help me. I know I mustnt start drinking again, i musnt risk replacing pills with alcohol. I had been thinking that i could maybe have the odd drink, moderate how id learned to in my late 20's, but i realise i mustnt risk that, its a slippery slope. So as I approach a month, i am infinitely grateful to my family friends and my husbands colleagues. I am grateful to God for giving me this new found strength and I am grateful to this site and all the amazing inspirational people here which have been a lifeline. Moving forward I am going to text the NA meeting girl back and get myself to that first meeting. Sending everyone lots of love & hugs as we approach May and a new sober month. xx

I've got a secret:

For some odd reason...I pulled out Ye Olde Sketchbook, and DREW FOR FUN. And drew something I'm rather proud of. Good God, I can draw, create diabolical toons...SOBER?!?

Woooooooohooooo!

(Being trapped inside my own mind this month has been harrowing...drawing is letting the crazies out and on to the page... I am pretty much skipping and a whistling in my mind.)

Creativity may be back...and for that I am infinitely grateful.
Be well! Do something zany, and smile. Folk will wonder what you're up to!
SB

Day 9. Struggled a bit, but won't give in.

day 5 check in
 

Good morning on my day 5. Boy , the day I found this site was a godsend. It is a struggle, but with your help , I'll do it. Recognizing the beast and his many tricks every day. The advice I get here is so valuable. I have a new addiction , SR. Prayers to you, Dainbramaged and all struggling , still. God Bless

Day 9 for me, too. Looking forward to celebrating double digits tomorrow!

It's the morning of Day 22 for me.

As predicted, the yoga people were all rather nice. I'm glad I went. I think the place will be a good enough fit, and they don't care if you just come and pay for one session at a time, which is good for me since I travel a lot and don't know when I will be around.

The other nice thing, is that at least last night, everybody was female. Not that I don't like men, just that I think a little 'girl time' is probably good for me and I don't tend to get any. Sometimes, I have trouble with men wanting to be more than friends, and that isn't what I need right now. But I DO need people to interact with and to have a social life. I need to start looking for the people I want to be friends with. So often, I've just let my social group kind of happen (or more lately it's been NOT happening)or I'd hang around with the people who would/wanted to hang with me. At this point, I don't want to do that. I want to have good people in my life and that means choosing the ones I want around. At some point, I need to take some initiative here. If I'm not willing to pretty much walk up to somebody I want to be friends with and say 'hey, let's be friends', they aren't going to do it either. But sometimes, there are people that I wish would do that, so maybe some people wouldn't mind if I did? (Not that I would start with 'hey, let's be friends' exactly, that might be a little weird, I'd start with 'hi' or something and a conversation).

I know this isn't directly about drinking or quitting, but in many ways it is to me. I wouldn't be working through any of this stuff if I was drunk still. All of this is new to me because I spent so long drinking.

I am really trying to be engaged in my recovery and DO things for it. To me, this is a whole lot more than about just not drinking. So, I am planning on continuing with the yoga. It's a nice thing to go do in the evening during that time that was DEFINITELY 'start getting trashed time'. It's actually nice to have my evening back and be able to drive and function though.

Scoutball -- I'd love to see some of those sketches!

It's really amazing how quickly emotions can change.

Told my bf I was going to another yoga class tonight and his response was 'When are you going to go out and do this other thing with me?'

I suppose I over-reacted, maybe, but I lost it a little. I kind of knew it would bother him I was going again. I even explained that they offer a few and I just wanted to check them all out to see which was best, meaning that I probably won't continue going to all of them long term.

I've been distant. The alcohol has been an issue. And now, recovering from that, I don't feel like I'm at full operating capacity yet. I get stressed easily. I know our relationship needs work, which makes me feel more stressed and makes me want to withdraw from it.

I am doing my best to work through all the problems. I quit drinking. The yoga is to help me relax and not get so upset (my bf says I get upset at everything) and to help me not drink. The hope is that by not drinking it will help with the anger and getting upset (but today I wasn't any less angry or upset so that's frustrating, too. I guess it's just PAWS at play there... and maybe partly a matter of pent-up stuff.)

I'm behind at work. I'm trying to regain some sort of sanity. Every time I turn around my bf is asking me when we're going to do X or Y or Z or CBF or LD or N or M or... it seems like he has a zillion things he wants to do and it's all so overwhelming I don't want to do anything but rather go crawl in a dark whole and hide. So none of it gets done and in the mean time, he comes up with something else we need to do.

So, I got too emotional and then he explained how it's a problem how I get too upset. I'm trying so hard to just communicate at all and I don't do it right and then he gets upset and tells me all calm how I'm working myself up and I just get embarrassed and go quiet. If I tell him in a calm, quiet voice, I feel like he thinks I'm not that upset about it though and it's not a big deal and he doesn't listen.

I was just trying to have a calm, quiet discussion about my/our plans for the night. Yoga, and then dinner together. Why couldn't he just support me going out? This will only be the second night I've really gone out by myself to do something (with the exception of work trips) in the last 4 months. I'll only be gone 2 hours. I know he hasn't gotten the time with me he wants, but it was such a terrible time to bring it up with me, again.

I cried. I over-reacted. I'm writing about it. I think it really bites. I'm not drinking over it and I'm not going to drink over it.

It's 8:20 in the morning. I remember days when I'd be drinking by now. Not often, but once in a while. It doesn't seem like time to drink, now, though.

Anyway, that is it for now... I just needed to calm down somehow.

I see the Psychiatrist tomorrow, and I'll feel better about everything because he's awesome. Feeling way better today.

Morning!
A nice nights sleep, and now checking surf reports. Clear blue skies its looking like. Weee!

DG: I am seeing some me in your post. I am experiencing some pretty raw emotions myself, that isn't always rational. I've never been a "flip a switch" angry person, but lately I feel like I am. I think part of it is everything: good, bad, and ugly is a lot clearer to me now that I'm not dulled/incapacitated by alcohol.

In a moment of lucidity, I explained to my wife what I was experiencing. She's been real lenient with letting me surf, game, and basically do what I need to do to get through this.
I hope your BF can see that some yoga/girl time is a good and needed thing for you.

Sorry it went sour, but you are awesome for posting about it. Each little step we take teaches us how to be people that don't need alcohol to deal with anything. Even if stuff sucks...I find it empowering that I can now DO something about it...rather than turn tail and hide in bottles. Even if I'm still learning what to do.
Best,
SB

Hi everyone! Day two here.

Crazy, crazy morning here but it's been dealt with and now am relaxing before I go to work. About to go make some chamomile tea and take a few deep breaths, and get on with my day.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday, stay sober and safe!

roosta

Last day of the April class, didn't make it through the entire month so I am jumping in now, and will join the May class too. Congrats to all who found and maintained their sobriety this month, that is a wonderful accomplishment.

DG- I agree with Scoutball. The good ones will be supportive and will let you do anything within reason to grow as a person and to maintain sobriety. It sounds like he is attempting to control you. Don't accept that if that is the case.

Hi everyone, another Day 5 here. Congrats to HappyFeet & MustLoveCoffee on 1 month and... Scoutball - isn't today (Tuesday here) 1 month for you as well?? I hope to get there soon. Been on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster since Sunday, I guess. Scoutball, I like your "flip a switch" analogy. Feel like one minute I am happy, strong & hopeful and then the next minute I am slamming doors, snapping at my poor husband and in tears. Something happened this morning (argument/miscommunication) with my husband and I stormed out and wanted to drink after dropping my daughter off at school. But, instead I went to the gym for an hour, came home and was able to have a calm and rational discussion with him. Basically, we have just been "butting heads" lately over stupid stuff. He is stressed with work and in need of a vacation and I am going through my struggle to stay sober. We have to give ourselves a break. It isn't easy on any relationship when one person is battling addiction. I am lucky he has been so supportive and forgives me for all of the sneaking around and lying. It really does give meaning to "for better or worse ...." I am realizing that it is so important to keep the lines of communication open between our spouses, significant others, etc. They don't understand what we are going through unless we tell them. I feel like I am talking in circles here, but am hoping I made some sense?Bottom line is I feel like with every new day of sobriety I am learning something, whether it be about myself, my husband, our marriage, or just how to handle emotions. It's not all a bed of roses, but at least I am not poisoning myself anymore and AV can take a hike :)

Day 10. Well, the day is much better now than it was this morning, I had a bad evening/night with panic attacks, even waking up several times with them. I didn't feel like drinking, in fact it was clear to me that most of my thoughts were connected with bad memories from drinking.

Went out with a friend and picked up something I'd wanted for a while. And an artichoke. Ha Ha I've never cooked or eaten an artichoke, it was 1.29 I said what the heck........ this will be my excitement later in the week.

Hang in friends tomorrow is the beginning of a new month!

Hi evrrrybody!

I went to the intake interview for my outpatient treatment today. I think I lucked out on counselors. He's a former addict, and he had my number pretty much immediately. Gave me some spot-on advice.

Looking forward to the outpatient class now :)

Congratulations on reaching a new month and new forum guys - I'm still pretty ill, but feel more human this afternoon, so we'll see...

will catch up when my head stops spinning... :)

D

OK, well in case anyone was following my drama yesterday, MY BEST FRIEND HAS BEEN RELEASED. It was a bad place.

I am going on day 7, in a couple of hours. I made it through Monday which was my drink day. Something different is happening right now. I feel lousy, but I seem to make it every day. Today I went back to the school I went to in Hartford. It is an amazingly beautiful place. 150 year old stone buildings surrounded by lush grass and flowering trees. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. One of my buddies was over there, and I hung out with him for a couple of hours(he's still trying to finish his degree). The chapel there is unreal. I went to an altar and just got down on my knees. I'm not religious, but that chapel is a sacred space. Total silence. Then I noticed a 'prayer box,' with little slips of paper and a pen. I wrote something on it and put it in the box(please help me get a better life).

I was sitting on a bench and a robin landed 5 feet away on the grass and just looked at me. It was staring at me. I felt like it meant something.

I actually did some walking around which is more exercise than I ever get. I got the call that my friend was released from that terrible place. I was so relieved that I broke down crying. I just cried right in front of my buddy. He sympathized. I don't usually cry, but lately I've started to. I think it is really good.

This is what I saw today,
Campus Shots - a set on Flickr

congratulations class of APRIL 2013
 

we did it! no matter what day we are on - mine is day 3 - we can do it -thanks for all of your support and hoping we all stick with it!!



:bday8:bday8:bday8

Hi DG

Its possible he's scared, he may be aware of the big gap that will be left now you've stopped drinking and he wants to be front and centre to fill that gap. He could be worried that after a few weeks of sobriety when your fog clears you'll look at him and think "why am I with you?". Did you meet while you were drinking? It could be the case that his self esteem is pretty low to have been willing to enter a three way relationship with yourself and booze in the first place and it may well have taken a further knock during drunken arguments?

My guess is he recons it's highly likely that he'll be the baby thrown out with the bath water and that him being clingy winds you up so much because you know that your relationship with him is something you're going to have to tackle once your head is clear?