Ladybug2

Good morning friends!

Napster, I, too, got a good laugh this morning from the last part of your post, thank you. So much I can relate to. I remember, during all of the sneaking and scheming, thinking I am so clever at hiding this, my husband has no clue. Great accomplishment, huh? Sure I will be very proud of myself if my liver test come back abnormal....

Fruity, glad you feel better after a good day of pampering! A week ago I would also be sitting on the sofa, nursing a hangover, while my little one entertained herself with toys and Disney Jr channel. No way to live, huh?

Starting Day 5 here and feeling a little annoyed at the hubby. He has been a bit cranky this week due to allergies acting up and some bad days at work (I get that). But, after disclosing everything to him this past weekend, he has not once asked me how I am doing?? I would welcome that if I had been drinking, but I have had 4 days of complete sobriety, albeit have been a bit moody, but still?? I guess he doesn't get it and I don't expect him to, given he is not an alcoholic, but I still would have thought he'd have asked me how I was doing by now. So guess I am feeling a little pouty and needy at the moment.

I have to say that it is so nice coming on here and reading all of your posts. So comforting to know I am not the only one going through this. I think that, before I found this site, I was so overwhelmed with shame and self- loathing thinking that I was the only wife and mom struggling, sneaking around and lying to everyone I love. Thank you to all!

Hope everyone has a great and sober Thursday. For those who are struggling, just keep fast forwarding to the morning after - that is what gets me to the next sober day, for now

NapsteR1

therein lies the irony hey - you're so good at hiding it that the extent of the problem isn't fully known and even if you disclose, the person you disclose to can't be expected to grasp what 4 days sober means.

plus there is the issue that you're asking for him to emotionally invest in your recovery so if he offers congratulations now and you slip next week / month then he'll wonder why he bothered congratulating you as because you've slipped his support meant nothing right? So he may be keeping a distance until the times when you both get to do something in an evening that your drinking would normally have stopped you both from being able to do, like a sponanious evening out, it's only after a few of these that he'll get it and start thinking "this person's way more fun to be around now!"

gwenny

Morning all---I haven't been posting here much but I have been lurking plenty, and am so glad to have this little group in my "cohort!" It's day 4 for me. Feeling MUCH better in general (this is my first attempt to quit FOR GOOD, not just for a month or 3 months or whatever) and I am taking pretty good care of myself, eating fairly well, trying to wean myself off coffee, etc. I am staying with a friend after getting kicked out of my apartment (for non-boozing related drama with my lunatic roommate) and in general I am feeling calm but totally useless to the world. I'm unemployed at the moment and this place is near a bustling center of productive participation in the world and every time I do go out to get groceries or whatever people are buzzing all around doing good things and contributing to society, whereas I feel successful if I get out of bed before 9.

I know, I know---it's not a fair comparison and I need to be gentle with myself during this first week or three of recovery, but it's still hard for me to feel so totally *useless*. Not sure how and when this will change but taking it, as they say, one day at a time...and I am sober today and plan to stay that way, and that is my #1 priority right now.

Ladybug2

Thanks, Napster, that's probably true, never thought of it that way. In the past, when I have tried to quit on my own, and have told him about it, I always slipped up so he may be giving it time. Would totally understand if he doesn't believe me or trust me yet. This weekend will be the first "true " test for me. We have plans to go to dinner on Sat night (just the 2 of us) to celebrate my husbands BD. In the past I would have a few drinks at home before leaving for dinner and proceed to hide those little "airplane" sized bottles of vodka in my purse. Then at the restaurant I would order a club soda & cranberry and sip on that while taking trips to the restroom (to fix my contacts, etc) to down the little bottles. Very clever, huh? Just realized I haven't yet disclosed that to my hubby ....hmmm....not sure I will? However, this time I am determined to stay strong. I am looking forward to having a lovely and sober evening out and it will be so nice to actually be able to taste and enjoy the food! I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little anxious about it, though. It is 2 days from now and I just hope I still feel as strong as I do now.

Thanks, again, Napster for the advice

I really do hope, with time, I can earn my husbands trust and respect back. Thankfully, my daughter is too young to remember her mommy going through this hxxx.

NapsteR1

no problem Lady, me and Mrs N have been talking alot about this recently - she "dared to hope" during the Dec to Feb sober session and was understandably upset about The Big Slip but my being totally open about the mechanics of how I used to operate has really built some trust up and also made it harder for me to slip again.

I would suggest that once some trust has been built up then you do tell him about nipping off to the loo with the vodkas because by not telling him your AV will see this an opportunity to drink secretly and will rationalise you into repeating the behaviour at some point. If you know that he knows this old trick of yours its going to be much harder for your AV to exploit it. (just a thought, it's working for me :o)

HopeSho

Hi everyone! Day 11. I can't believe how much better my mornings are...seriously how did I stand waking up feeling that shame/sickness so often? I still have cravings, but I just play that tape to the end every time and it never ends up going well for me. Excited about the future for the first time in a long time.

Hope everyone else is doing well!

NewHouse2012

Fell off last night. Feel bad about it. Dusting myself off and will begin again.
Feeling like crap and note to folks who have cravings: Don't drink, its not worth it.

raamblingokie

Good morning all, busy day for me, and looks like a busy day here. will take a while to read. before things get too crazy on my end here is a coffee toast to of you wishing everyone a great day.

purplelily

Hi Bandicoots! Day 4 is underway...last night went okay, after my initial twinges. Focused on cooking dinner and cleaning up. On a drunk day, the meal might burn, or I would have forgotten an ingredient. Then, I might wake up the next morning and see that I didn't put anything leftovers away or cleaned up anything. I wouldn't have remembered until I saw it. Sometimes my hubby would do it for me...I think to test me. Other nights, he would just leave it for me to find.

Ladybug, my hubby hasn't said anything about my sobriety either, I'm sure because he is scared he will jinx it!

ScoutBall

Pick yourself up--and back at it NewHouse. You can do this, we're not going anywhere--so at the very least ya gotta answer to us Bandicoots of April. Keep posting!

BIIIIIIIG test this weekend. But, I'm feeling really good about it. Wife off for 5 days. Just about to drop her off at the airport. We had a nice talk last night before bed, she asked me how it was going and what not--and honesty: Well. I've told her about this forum, and how it helps me keep on the straight and narrow.

I have much, much junk food to procure. I'm going to pretty much go crazy eating crap, getting hopped up on Coca-Cola, and playing video games until my fingers bleed.

Then, I plan on surfing, drawing, surfing, drawing some more, and playing TennisBallRampage™ with the Blue Dog.

My wardrobe is all picked out: I have a nice ensemble for the home. Some silky smooth athletic shorts, and an old ratty t-shirt. For town, and the beach I am going to be showing off this Spring's latest beach wear with some nice boardshorts with a pelican on them, and an old ratty t-shirt.

I may shower on Sunday.

I will probably order pizza at least 3 times.

I am excited beyond words to have my living room back. (I can turn the surround sound ALL the way up).

Everyone: Be well. Be kind to yourselves. This is hard! But we can do it, and we're getting better, and stronger everyday as a group. Chins up. No feeling sorry for ourselves. WE are here, and WE are empowered to beat this. Let's do it!
Best!
-Scoutie

MustLoveCoffee

NewLeaf - Thanks for the encouragement. A great thing I heard from a motivational speaker/life coach was whenever someone asks you to do something, respond with: "Thank you so much for thinking of me. Let me check my schedule and get back to you." I think as people pleasers, we think we need to give that instantaneous "Yes," but that's not always the best thing for us. This statement gives you the distance to not say "No" instantly (especially in a face to face situation where that may make you feel extremely uncomfortable) and gives you some time to see if that's really something that you want to do. You can then get back to that person at a later date, and say yes or no. It really does seem to work!

Johnny555 - Thanks for coming back. I'm sorry you're finding staying sober hard in your current living arangement. I understand you not wanting to put yourself in harms way, but there has to be a way to still live life without drinking. Do you have anyone that you can talk about this with in your life right now?

Beavis - Welcome to the group. Only you can answer whether you are an alcoholic or not. I keep reminding myself that I HONESTLY believe that 1 drink isn't worth it, I've slid too far down the slide at this point for that to even bring my shoulders down a bit, if you know what I mean. I also KNOW that 2+ drinks is too many (I think it's been proven that 1 drink per day (for women) is the maximum limit for being healthy). So that doesn't really leave me anything, does it? Stinks, but it's true. Whether I'm an alcoholic or not, booze doesn't hold anything for me anymore. I can either drink at what I know to be unhealthy levels, or forget about it all together. Seems like an obvious choice when I'm thinking rationally. Now I just have to work on my irrational thoughts...."The Beast" as some call it. But I am careful not to disassociate from myself. I understand that some of my thoughts are good, and some of my thoughts are not good, but they are all in my brain. Ultimately, I have to live with all of the thoughts in my head and still make good choices.

carter91 - I'm glad you're feeling less stressed. Congrats on getting through your first week! Enjoy the weather!

fruitymarzipan - Glad you are enjoying your madeover look. Have fun at the playzone!

napster - interesting on the concealable vodka. If I wasn't into a box of wine, I was also doing vodka and near zero calorie mixers. I'm glad you came clean to Mrs. N.

ladybug - I went a week without anything to drink before my hubby and I discussed that I had quit. I told him I was upset that he hadn't noticed/said anything. He said that he had noticed, but he was afraid as to how to bring up the topic and of my possible reaction. I think our spouses are probably used to us occasionally flying off the handle and are avoiding questioning our sobriety for fear of the response they may get. My hubby will listen to me babble incessently, though, if I need to vent. We have some damage control to do, and that will take time. As far as the nips in the bathroom at dinner, I would suggest coming clean sooner rather than later. Lying causes stress, stress causes weakness...he already knows you have a problem. If you wait to tell him, then you'll probably feel more awkward about it later.

HopeSho - congrats on 11 days! Glad your mornings are getting better!

gwenny - glad your feeling better today! Congrats on being sober one day at a time!

NewHouse - Glad you're back at it today. You only need to be sober today.

purplelily - keep at it!

Scoutball - You crack me up! Good luck with your junk food binge!

Thought for today: Pause buttons. I was thinking today about how everything we have in life these days has a pause button or can be shut off if you need it to. Your tv, your ipod, your car, you can excuse yourself from a conversation, etc. etc. And I've really gotten used to that. I asked my hubby the other day while he was in the middle of a conversation, "Can you pause for a second, I really need to ____." I can't remember what I needed to do, but you get the idea. Sometimes you just need to stop and take a break. I was thinking about how alcohol had become the "Pause" button to my emotions. I would be feeling something I didn't want to feel - upset, bored, frustrated, etc. and I would pick up. For the minor things in life, this actually was a "Stop" button. Because the super trivial things in life would be resolved in my mind the next morning (or forgotten), but for everything else, it just put the situation on "Pause." I was thinking that for the things that the drink turned into a "Stop," a good night's sleep would have done the same. For the things that it only "Paused," at best case it just delayed the inevitable (unless I somehow managed to make the situation that much worse when I drank). But I think we've gotten used to being able to "Pause" everything else, why not pause our emotions? I will need to find a new way to "Pause" life. Sometimes emotions are too overwhelming, but drinking and possibly making the situation worse does NOT help.

So my back was killing me again last night. So as I went to bed I did take ONE muscle relaxant pill as my head hit the pillow around quarter of 11. I slept until noon today. What a glorious thing sleep is. I do feel slightly drugged still, which I hate, and am fearing that it's prolonging any PAWS type symptoms, but I really honestly didn't know what else to do. I am not worried about becoming addicted to these pills, but I felt the need to mention to you all that I took one. I still consider this Day 14, as I've never had a problem with pills and I only took it to get some sleep which thankfully I did. i hope this doesn't make my brain split in too. I woke up with an awful headache that I assume was caffeine withdrawal from sleeping through my first 2 cups of coffee because as soon as I drank the coffee and had something to eat it went away. I chose to sleep through my AA meeting today. I have mixed feelings on that. I did NOT find yesterday's meeting that helpful, and today we would have been reading Step 3, and I'm still working on Step 1, but I do like the beginner step meetings. I just honestly thought that sleeping (given I haven't in a week) was a better call for me. So ends my streak of 10 consecutive days of going to meetings. But AA wasn't supposed to be another obsession, so maybe that's good? I don't know. I think it's just best to think it is what it is and not try to come up with the proper emotion to attach to it.

Dee74

Just bumping this - it's rare for this thread to be on page 2....Is everyone ok?

D

Elly40

Good Morning All

No work for me today YAY, so going to have a day to catch up on a few things that I have let go with the drinking and we move house in a few weeks so I have plenty of packing to get on with.

Had a drinking dream, was relieved when I woke up and realised it was only a dream, the last dream I had like that was when I gave up for six months, so I'm taking that as a good omen.

Still feeling quite a bit of anxiety, and feeling a little on edge. Not sure why really, stupid feelings of not being good enough, Do others have anxiety this early on?, I'm hoping it's all part of withdrawal.

On the upside I weighed my self this morning and have lost 1kg since I gave up drinking, so I'm rapt about that. Sleeping has become much better too, in the past I'd wake up about 3am and not get back to sleep till about an hour before I had to get up for work, was a vicious cycle.

Mustlovecoffee, yes, the alcohol really is like a pause button, a button to pause life, quite sad really when I think about it that way, what a waste. I've had mine paused for years.
I'm glad you had a good sleep, sleep really is the best medicine.

Have a great day guys.

janiebluebird

14 days sober here today. I've been MIA a few days after a sudden death in the family, but still on board. I hope everyone is doing well.

How was everyone's day? Its almost the weekend again, what is everyone planning on doing?

Elly40

Good to see you back Janie

Not much planned for my weekend, foolish me put my hand up and offered to do some work in the weekend for the company I work for,(I don't normally work weekends) only should take a few hours so not all bad, plus the extra $$ will be good lol.

HopeSho

So sorry to hear about the death in your family janiebluebird. Congrats on two weeks!

I plan on taking my daughter to a fresh market and loading up on healthy treats. I was also thinking about doing some kind of outdoor exercise like Frisbee golf seeing as it should be pretty nice out.

Viperidae

Thanks for asking Coffee. I must go back to my therapist, Ill leave a message tonight. And my brother or father are fine to talk to, although the family doesn't get it. Maybe rehab is the answer. I am in a bad state tonight. Feeling really down. But tomorrow will be better.

I guess I was under the mistake or willful mistake that if you only drink every 4 days rehab is not necessary. I may not be able to do this myself. I think I need to get out of this apartment of 15 years, but am scared. I definitely can just avoid the back patio and the bar and not drink. BUT-I am profoundly lonely. I love to socialize . I don't see the program as the answer to my lonelyness.

janiebluebird

Elly - making extra cash in free time can't hurt

Hope, fresh treats are always a nice reward. When I go to those Trader Joe type places I get so excited and want to buy everything, all the organic deliciousness.

I am planning on trying out some new classes at the gym, going to a meeting and try to introduce myself to a few people, and I am going to get my bike in gear for the nice weather.

Viperidae

Coffee and all keeping up with me, I will keep trying though. I'm on my way to the Market for ice cream sandwich, and cheese snacks. Then I'll do netflix for a while. Talk tomorrow. And good for all of you with your time and the gym and everything!!

Elly40

Good idea to make an appointment with your therapist Johnny, we need to take all help we can get. What I have been doing when I'm really struggling is I read the posts of the people with long term sobriety, I think when we are this early on, at times it can seem really hope less, but reading their messages gives me so much hope knowing if i stick it out I will be where they are now one day, their lives seem so full fulled without alcohol, such a foreign concept to me right now but one day It will be my normal - it's giving me so much encouragement, they really are so inspiring....Take care Johnny