Class Of September 2012 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central Kansas
Posts: 175
6 years ago when I started my drinking (rampage), I didn't realize that I was going to turn into a "full blown alcoholic". It all started innocently enough. I was going through my "second childhood", midlife crisis.
Ever Since I was a teenager, I have always been very responsible. I helped raise my two younger brothers, then, at age 17 I became pregnant and got married. (Same man today, 36 years this month). I became a mother at 18 and then again at 21. My son's became my #1 priority. I grew up quickly and missed out on alot of my own childhood.
No resentments there...they were and are my life...along with the 3 granddaughters they have given me/us.
To make a long story short...I began drinking for fun...I worked at a bar as a server and bartender and had a BLAST! Little did I know where it would evetually lead me. Of course then came the drinking at night to help me relax and sleep. Before I knew it I was drinking on every emotional ocaission that popped up. (The good, the bad, and the ugly).
2 years ago, I started experiencing anxiety, fear & paranoia. It freaked me out. I went to an AA meeting after one extruciating bender, sobered up for 12 days, thought I was okay, could do it on my own. WRONG! Embarrassment and shame kept me from going back to AA. Plus I had, not admitted yet I was powerless over alcohol. So for the next year I tried to find anything and everything to get this under control by myself
The FEAR and Anxiety just kept increasing...I finally realized that it was actually coming from drinking. Drinking kept my mind on a viscious roller coaster ride. I felt insane, thought I was insane.
My eldest son and wife intervened 19 days ago and I thank God they did. It was the wake up call I needed. I am 2 weeks into IOP Rehab (good stuff), attend AA Meetings and like I said previously, I read alot. I guess I finally reached rock bottom and here I am today.
Thank you my newfound family...you are a huge part of my recovery as well.
I have a long way to go, but for now I'm working it "One day at a time".
Ever Since I was a teenager, I have always been very responsible. I helped raise my two younger brothers, then, at age 17 I became pregnant and got married. (Same man today, 36 years this month). I became a mother at 18 and then again at 21. My son's became my #1 priority. I grew up quickly and missed out on alot of my own childhood.
No resentments there...they were and are my life...along with the 3 granddaughters they have given me/us.
To make a long story short...I began drinking for fun...I worked at a bar as a server and bartender and had a BLAST! Little did I know where it would evetually lead me. Of course then came the drinking at night to help me relax and sleep. Before I knew it I was drinking on every emotional ocaission that popped up. (The good, the bad, and the ugly).
2 years ago, I started experiencing anxiety, fear & paranoia. It freaked me out. I went to an AA meeting after one extruciating bender, sobered up for 12 days, thought I was okay, could do it on my own. WRONG! Embarrassment and shame kept me from going back to AA. Plus I had, not admitted yet I was powerless over alcohol. So for the next year I tried to find anything and everything to get this under control by myself
The FEAR and Anxiety just kept increasing...I finally realized that it was actually coming from drinking. Drinking kept my mind on a viscious roller coaster ride. I felt insane, thought I was insane.
My eldest son and wife intervened 19 days ago and I thank God they did. It was the wake up call I needed. I am 2 weeks into IOP Rehab (good stuff), attend AA Meetings and like I said previously, I read alot. I guess I finally reached rock bottom and here I am today.
Thank you my newfound family...you are a huge part of my recovery as well.
I have a long way to go, but for now I'm working it "One day at a time".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 754
Originally Posted by lefthook 
I'm done walking around thinking the world is out to get me. Being self absorbed and abusive and manipulative. I'm trying to truely give myself to god for the first time. I got down and prayed today for the first time I meant it. Not just the kind of praying where you are just hoping maybe possibly something is listening, I prayed hard and gave everything up. All I hold on to. I am defeated. I said take this please and help me because I cant. I cried. I begged. I just all around surrendered. I humbled. I'm a broken man. Then all of the sudden I had two ants crawling on me. I don't have insects in my house. I felt like it was locusts in the bible. Like I was either about to be punished or perhaps god was about to go to war with the evil inside me. I could live with either. I'm hoping I have more answers tomorrow. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Good morning all!! Another sober day...and another busy day at work. My mind is clearing every day and physically each day is better. Sugar cravings are subsiding and I'm making an effort to eliminate lattes ... we shall see how that goes!
Wishing those of you who are struggling today peace and strength...and I suppose the same for all who are stringing together sober days.
I'm so grateful for day 17! Catch y'all after work
Wishing those of you who are struggling today peace and strength...and I suppose the same for all who are stringing together sober days.
I'm so grateful for day 17! Catch y'all after work
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London UK
Posts: 12
Hi all. Good to hear all your thoughts - jumbled and unjumbled - they all help me. Had a great Zumba class yesterday which inspired me to do more exercise and today I have to sort out that jungle which is supposed to be my garden. But best of all ....I didnt drink, I didnt drink, I didnt drink....at 6pm.
I am tuning into what Dee keeps saying about the need for change within and without. I know I have a pattern of being wildly and passionately optimist and take on far too much to begin with and then the inevitable happens and I give up, do a runner, hide, get fed-up and guess what my consolation is? No prizes...
This time, I am going to make a light plan, change my routine gently, and take one day at a time. I am not even going to suggest a deadline to myself - although I'd like to be perfect by Christmas (joke)..
Hey keep inspiring me, please.
I am tuning into what Dee keeps saying about the need for change within and without. I know I have a pattern of being wildly and passionately optimist and take on far too much to begin with and then the inevitable happens and I give up, do a runner, hide, get fed-up and guess what my consolation is? No prizes...
This time, I am going to make a light plan, change my routine gently, and take one day at a time. I am not even going to suggest a deadline to myself - although I'd like to be perfect by Christmas (joke)..
Hey keep inspiring me, please.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by walkingwithgod
Day 2, and had the urge when I got out of work. But, I drove past all the liquor stores. I am proud of myself. I wish my wife was as proud. She still thinks I can drink if I limit myself. I cannot do that.
Are you seeing your therapist today?
I'm wondering if you should talk about educating your wife as you go through recovery and perhaps even have her join in a session in the near future.
You have mentioned on more that one occasion that your wife thinks you can moderate your drinking. Based on what you've told us so far, I don't believe that you are one who can go back to moderation after an extended period of total abstinence. I am of the opinion that it is important for your wife to understand that you need to get a long stretch of sobriety under your belt.
Just as you have had difficulty accepting certain parts of your alcoholism, your wife may be struggling with this as well. Her support and understanding will help the both of you. I've tried to find some outside sources which might be helpful, but I'm coming up with blanks. If anyone knows of some, please chime in.
WWG, one thing that you have posted on several recent occasions is the prospect of another child. Please put your sobriety ahead of this for the moment; you owe it to yourself and your family. Given that you recognize you have a drinking problem and know how it affects your relationship with your toddler, it is very difficult for me to understand how you can justify having another child before you are sober. Please read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nts-drink.html
All is said with well meaning concern for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 289
Ok...I have to be honest with my SR family. I have not had a sober day in almost a week (I'm so mad at myself I want to scream!). I had already said how the weekend was a bust for me with the company that we had. The biggest mistake I made (other than caving), was I didn't dump the booze that's in the house from the weekend. Why I thought I could handle it, I don't know. I just don't have that kind of will power. If it's here, I'm going to drink it. Everyday, I had no intention of drinking, but couldn't stick with it. Don't know if anybody noticed, but I have not been able to post a 'day 2' in awhile. Been living in my day 1 world. I didn't want to be absent from my SR friends, need to hear all about your successes & be here for your struggles. I even posted that I had a 'clear head', only because I wasn't hungover...but couldn't claim that I stayed completely sober. 
Yesterday was not a good day for me. We had lost power early in the day, didn't get it back until early this morning. I was able to light my stovetop, keeping busy I made a great meal for my family. Didn't have a drop of wine. Then after we ate & cleaned up the kitchen, my husband put the radio on, we sat in our lantern lit living room, he had a scotch in hand & we start to talk...about anything and everything. This is the norm for us when we lose power (we're in Northern Mich...middle of nowhere, it happens often). It's usually something I really enjoy. Within 5 minutes, the clinking of the cubes in his glass was enough to drive me insane!! I got up and got a glass of wine, then another (with or without the cube clinking, I would've gotten something anyways, so I can't completely blame it on that). Then I got mad...although it was really at myself, I took it out on him. I was giving him crap over anything I could possibly think of...not yelling & screaming or anything like that...just being a *itch (and please believe me when I say that is NOT me)! He didn't deserve it...& I feel like s**t because of it. I did relax & calm down, I did apologize, and I think he knew why I was upset.
What is wrong with me?!! I need to get my head straight again...and dump out the damn wine. I know others have said it before & I do get it...I wish I could just be 'normal'. I hate this.
I am on day 1...still. Dumping the friggin' wine. No intentions of drinking today.
After reading so many of your successes, I have to apologize for being the 'needy child' of the family right now.
Yesterday was not a good day for me. We had lost power early in the day, didn't get it back until early this morning. I was able to light my stovetop, keeping busy I made a great meal for my family. Didn't have a drop of wine. Then after we ate & cleaned up the kitchen, my husband put the radio on, we sat in our lantern lit living room, he had a scotch in hand & we start to talk...about anything and everything. This is the norm for us when we lose power (we're in Northern Mich...middle of nowhere, it happens often). It's usually something I really enjoy. Within 5 minutes, the clinking of the cubes in his glass was enough to drive me insane!! I got up and got a glass of wine, then another (with or without the cube clinking, I would've gotten something anyways, so I can't completely blame it on that). Then I got mad...although it was really at myself, I took it out on him. I was giving him crap over anything I could possibly think of...not yelling & screaming or anything like that...just being a *itch (and please believe me when I say that is NOT me)! He didn't deserve it...& I feel like s**t because of it. I did relax & calm down, I did apologize, and I think he knew why I was upset.
What is wrong with me?!! I need to get my head straight again...and dump out the damn wine. I know others have said it before & I do get it...I wish I could just be 'normal'. I hate this.
I am on day 1...still. Dumping the friggin' wine. No intentions of drinking today.
After reading so many of your successes, I have to apologize for being the 'needy child' of the family right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Coastal Massachusetts
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by SlimSlim
WWG:
Are you seeing your therapist today?
I'm wondering if you should talk about educating your wife as you go through recovery and perhaps even have her join in a session in the near future.
You have mentioned on more that one occasion that your wife thinks you can moderate your drinking. Based on what you've told us so far, I don't believe that you are one who can go back to moderation after an extended period of total abstinence. I am of the opinion that it is important for your wife to understand that you need to get a long stretch of sobriety under your belt.
Just as you have had difficulty accepting certain parts of your alcoholism, your wife may be struggling with this as well. Her support and understanding will help the both of you. I've tried to find some outside sources which might be helpful, but I'm coming up with blanks. If anyone knows of some, please chime in.
WWG, one thing that you have posted on several recent occasions is the prospect of another child. Please put your sobriety ahead of this for the moment; you owe it to yourself and your family. Given that you recognize you have a drinking problem and know how it affects your relationship with your toddler, it is very difficult for me to understand how you can justify having another child before you are sober. Please read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nts-drink.html
All is said with well meaning concern for you and your family.
Are you seeing your therapist today?
I'm wondering if you should talk about educating your wife as you go through recovery and perhaps even have her join in a session in the near future.
You have mentioned on more that one occasion that your wife thinks you can moderate your drinking. Based on what you've told us so far, I don't believe that you are one who can go back to moderation after an extended period of total abstinence. I am of the opinion that it is important for your wife to understand that you need to get a long stretch of sobriety under your belt.
Just as you have had difficulty accepting certain parts of your alcoholism, your wife may be struggling with this as well. Her support and understanding will help the both of you. I've tried to find some outside sources which might be helpful, but I'm coming up with blanks. If anyone knows of some, please chime in.
WWG, one thing that you have posted on several recent occasions is the prospect of another child. Please put your sobriety ahead of this for the moment; you owe it to yourself and your family. Given that you recognize you have a drinking problem and know how it affects your relationship with your toddler, it is very difficult for me to understand how you can justify having another child before you are sober. Please read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nts-drink.html
All is said with well meaning concern for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by lifewithoutbooz
Thank you to my wonderful (SR) family.
For being there when no one else was.
For shedding light on things I couldn’t see.
For putting things into perspective that I could see.
For supporting, consoling, laughing, crying or just listening.
For giving me that nudge (or kick in the pants) when I needed it.
For just being.
To a kind, compassionate and caring bunch of people – I will always be thankful that I met you and will always consider you my friends.
Have a sober evening and an even better tomorrow!!
For being there when no one else was.
For shedding light on things I couldn’t see.
For putting things into perspective that I could see.
For supporting, consoling, laughing, crying or just listening.
For giving me that nudge (or kick in the pants) when I needed it.
For just being.
To a kind, compassionate and caring bunch of people – I will always be thankful that I met you and will always consider you my friends.
Have a sober evening and an even better tomorrow!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Jaz...pulling for you. Dump the crap out...I want to be normal too, however am realizing (slowly) that I am not normal when it comes to drinking. It never seems to work out well.. Overall I think it is part of the process of dealing with this..Realizing we are not normal when drinking. Hard to accept but necessary.
Just wondering...I know it is our responsibility to deal with our drinking. We cannot put it on anyone else. Recipe for failure. I do notice in your post you talk about your husband having a drink of scotch. How do you think the evening would have turned out if your husband didn't have a drink of scotch.?
Don't worry about the being needy part. Thats what we are all here for support!
Jim
Just wondering...I know it is our responsibility to deal with our drinking. We cannot put it on anyone else. Recipe for failure. I do notice in your post you talk about your husband having a drink of scotch. How do you think the evening would have turned out if your husband didn't have a drink of scotch.?
Don't worry about the being needy part. Thats what we are all here for support!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,204
I wanna cut. God it kills. My teeth hurt. I m phoic of the dentist. Mortally so. I am scared. I want to hurt myself. I am afraid this fear won't pass. Fear, dentist... Horrid terror. Nothing could be worse for the girl whose life is her dog. And that dog is 15 years old and can't live forever. Another terror. I. Will die when he dies. He is my world. Oh, god, help me, please.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 26
Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and new to recovery. I did try this time last year by going to AA meetings but I still convinced myself I was ok to drink on a weekend. Now things are the same, suffering from depression and I have come to realise I need to STOP for good. Don't have that many close people I can count on so I am so happy I have found this site. 3 days sober today......Hope it gets easier soon and my cravings go away, the afternoons are terrible!
I am new to this site and new to recovery. I did try this time last year by going to AA meetings but I still convinced myself I was ok to drink on a weekend. Now things are the same, suffering from depression and I have come to realise I need to STOP for good. Don't have that many close people I can count on so I am so happy I have found this site. 3 days sober today......Hope it gets easier soon and my cravings go away, the afternoons are terrible!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: The Great State of Texas
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by walkingwithgod
I have therapy every 2 weeks. I understand your concern for my family and I. My wife knows that I am better when I do not drink. I am trying to be a better father and husband. Reading your post just made me feel worse about myself, and that what if we have already created a kid and we don't know it yet.
If your wife is already pregnant, so be it. Keep working on your sobriety and do the BEST you can.
If your wife is not pregnant, guess what? Keep working on your sobriety and do the BEST you can.
I agree with Slim: those of us with drinking problems must put a high priority on getting and staying sober. However, my personal opinion is that sobriety is a pathway to living the life you want, not a substitute. There is no rule that a recovering addict can not have (more) children. Like many things in life, it involves competing priorities. Only you, your wife and your counselor can judge whether you have things in proper balance.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 259
Hi all,
Just getting back from some time in the city and some errands. Feeling wonderful today, day 6!
Panacea: Glad you are feeling better. Busy is good, keeps us occupied and functioning!
Kellbell: Wishing you strength this Wednesday...Make it the first of a lifetime of sober ones. You can do this!
Jimuk: You are on a roll, my friend! I am so jealous of your canoeing adventure with your son! These quality times you two are sharing just keep getting better and better! I am proud of you and I am sure your son is just glowing spending time like this with you. Keep it up!
Mr. Blonde, welcome! Seems you are having a good streak going...stay strong!
Voyager, sorry you are blah...Find something, anything, to make you smile (not booze related obviously
and force yourself out of your funk!
Chardonnay: I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents, but even more of a reason to stay present and sober and enjoy time with them/support them. Tell me, is your counting system #days sober/1st day you decided to quit? I really like that format as it *does* focus on the positive. I find if people "slip up" and have to start over again at "day 1" it is soul crushing and may even be detrimental to their motivation. I think your way avoids this.
Soberjim: glad you are feeling fantastic! YAY for sober living!
WWG: I agree, so nice to remember things...one of the things that is keeping me going. I don't want to blackout any more of my life...I want to KNOW every detail of my days!
SunnyF: 18 days, yowsa! AWESOME! Clarity is present in my mind too and I know it will just keep increasing. Feels amazing.
Benice, Iwill, Figgy, BFree, Dee, and EVERYONE else...(please don't take it personally if I miss you...I try, but there are a lot of us!)...KEEP STRONG. It really does get easier and my God the benefits are so worth the struggle. Keep reading, posting, searching within yourself for the reasons you want to be sober, and reach out when in need!
Lefthook: Thinking of you...you can do this, you have before, and you can again with even better, long-lasting success!
As for me, I'm feeling more empowered than ever. Last Thursday I caved...the circumstances that led me to it are the same today. However, today was different...I feel NO desire to drink...no desire to numb myself...no desire to put that poison in my body. I feel reborn! I know the cravings will still come...in fact, they are there every day at some point, BUT...the intensity and duration less and I just know that I can do this.
I treated myself to a new meditation cd and some bath goodies today. I'm going to scrub my bathroom and then, instead of drinking the entire time while doing it and then "rewarding" myself with another bottle in the tub; I am going to clean while having some cold iced tea...and then dive into my bath listening to my new CD and drinking a soothing cup of tea. I will emerge relaxed, pampered, and SOBER.
Today on the bus this old man sat down next to me. He was your quintessential adorable old-timer. He said to me, "Darlin' I chose to sit next to you because when I got on, your smile was lighting up this bus! You are glowing sunshine and have brightened everyone's day with your presence!"...He then touched my hand, his wrinkled, wise fingers on top of mine, and said, "May God bless you always" *sob*
My glow is back. People always comment on my smile and typically, when healthy in mind and body, I'm smiling constantly...like that person in the market picking out her vegetables beaming with a smile, whereas most just have a stoic look on their face. I get comments about it often, but it's been a loooong time since a) I've been shining from the inside out and b) had this presence about me. How joyous I am to know I'm back!
Bless you all...I'll be back later and please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers!
Just getting back from some time in the city and some errands. Feeling wonderful today, day 6!
Panacea: Glad you are feeling better. Busy is good, keeps us occupied and functioning!
Kellbell: Wishing you strength this Wednesday...Make it the first of a lifetime of sober ones. You can do this!
Jimuk: You are on a roll, my friend! I am so jealous of your canoeing adventure with your son! These quality times you two are sharing just keep getting better and better! I am proud of you and I am sure your son is just glowing spending time like this with you. Keep it up!
Mr. Blonde, welcome! Seems you are having a good streak going...stay strong!
Voyager, sorry you are blah...Find something, anything, to make you smile (not booze related obviously
and force yourself out of your funk!Chardonnay: I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents, but even more of a reason to stay present and sober and enjoy time with them/support them. Tell me, is your counting system #days sober/1st day you decided to quit? I really like that format as it *does* focus on the positive. I find if people "slip up" and have to start over again at "day 1" it is soul crushing and may even be detrimental to their motivation. I think your way avoids this.
Soberjim: glad you are feeling fantastic! YAY for sober living!
WWG: I agree, so nice to remember things...one of the things that is keeping me going. I don't want to blackout any more of my life...I want to KNOW every detail of my days!
SunnyF: 18 days, yowsa! AWESOME! Clarity is present in my mind too and I know it will just keep increasing. Feels amazing.
Benice, Iwill, Figgy, BFree, Dee, and EVERYONE else...(please don't take it personally if I miss you...I try, but there are a lot of us!)...KEEP STRONG. It really does get easier and my God the benefits are so worth the struggle. Keep reading, posting, searching within yourself for the reasons you want to be sober, and reach out when in need!
Lefthook: Thinking of you...you can do this, you have before, and you can again with even better, long-lasting success!
As for me, I'm feeling more empowered than ever. Last Thursday I caved...the circumstances that led me to it are the same today. However, today was different...I feel NO desire to drink...no desire to numb myself...no desire to put that poison in my body. I feel reborn! I know the cravings will still come...in fact, they are there every day at some point, BUT...the intensity and duration less and I just know that I can do this.
I treated myself to a new meditation cd and some bath goodies today. I'm going to scrub my bathroom and then, instead of drinking the entire time while doing it and then "rewarding" myself with another bottle in the tub; I am going to clean while having some cold iced tea...and then dive into my bath listening to my new CD and drinking a soothing cup of tea. I will emerge relaxed, pampered, and SOBER.
Today on the bus this old man sat down next to me. He was your quintessential adorable old-timer. He said to me, "Darlin' I chose to sit next to you because when I got on, your smile was lighting up this bus! You are glowing sunshine and have brightened everyone's day with your presence!"...He then touched my hand, his wrinkled, wise fingers on top of mine, and said, "May God bless you always" *sob*
My glow is back. People always comment on my smile and typically, when healthy in mind and body, I'm smiling constantly...like that person in the market picking out her vegetables beaming with a smile, whereas most just have a stoic look on their face. I get comments about it often, but it's been a loooong time since a) I've been shining from the inside out and b) had this presence about me. How joyous I am to know I'm back!
Bless you all...I'll be back later and please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers!
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